Help to stop my child from crying

Hi Group,

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about this news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I should do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing, running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game, like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears at the
end for any reason. I mean for any kinds of games, he involves and cries at
the end (again for any reason.) We usually gather with friends who have
kids - and in any events, my son will be the first one who cried. I tried
to talk to him and tried to tell him that for any reason, you use your words
and talk to people, like if they are not playing nice with you.. just tell
them.. Don't cry.. he seems to understand at that point, but look like he
can't control his crying.. when anything comes, he'll cry. He didn't cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything is
fine, then he is back to normal. Now seems like most of our friends know his
behavior and they hesitate to play with him, which really bothers me. What
should I do in this situation? How can I teach my son to be stronger and
not cry for any reason. Is there any book that I should read? (I notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2) Most of the time, when he cried, he came
to me and I asked what happened.. then he talked to me and he stopped crying
as soon as I reassured him that everything was fine. But I don't think it's
a good method. Please give me some advice here.

your son sounds sensative. If he is just crying for attention then maybe
asking him where the pain is and asking how you can make it better would
stop the crying faster. I know my friends kids always stop crying due to
minor bumps when offered a treat.. even if it is something healthy like a
piece of cheese.. Maybe he should bring some down time toys for when things
start to get too rough.. I dont imagine he will cry over everything in
highschool though.
Is your point of this post to insite a flame war over "making your son a
man?" The only thing you can do is talk to your son to change his
behaviors.. maybe you could have him deminstate on you how hard something
happened.. it could be that he is over feeling it.. yes I know that is not
really what I mean to say but it seems the best way to say it.

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Xavier 10/27/04
"MOX" wrote in message
...
Hi Group,

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about this
news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I should
do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing, running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game, like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but
only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any
reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears at the
end for any reason. I mean for any kinds of games, he involves and cries
at
the end (again for any reason.) We usually gather with friends who have
kids - and in any events, my son will be the first one who cried. I tried
to talk to him and tried to tell him that for any reason, you use your
words
and talk to people, like if they are not playing nice with you.. just tell
them.. Don't cry.. he seems to understand at that point, but look like he
can't control his crying.. when anything comes, he'll cry. He didn't cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything is
fine, then he is back to normal. Now seems like most of our friends know
his
behavior and they hesitate to play with him, which really bothers me.
What
should I do in this situation? How can I teach my son to be stronger and
not cry for any reason. Is there any book that I should read? (I notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2) Most of the time, when he cried, he
came
to me and I asked what happened.. then he talked to me and he stopped
crying
as soon as I reassured him that everything was fine. But I don't think
it's
a good method. Please give me some advice here.

Hi --

It sounds as though your son cries to release stress when he gets
overexcited. He'll probably grow out of it, but you may want to chat
with him (at a quiet time, when you're alone) about how much fun it is
to play with other kids, but it's okay to stop playing if you feel too
excited, and about other ways to calm down.

When he DOES cry from excitement, your reaction sounds fine. Reassure
him that everything is okay and then send him back to play when he's
ready.

Think about other situations when he gets over-excited, or when he cries
for no apparent reason. ARE there other such situations? If there are,
see if you can find a pattern.

Keep an eye on this behavior, since you want to see it taper down, not
continue or get worse. Continuing too long or getting worse might be a
sign of an underlying problem that you want to address.

I know I'm in over my head here, so I"ll be eager to hear what others
have to say,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

On Tue, 14 Dec 2004, MOX wrote:

Hi Group,

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about this news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I should do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing, running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game, like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any reason.
....

Does he cry when he's playing and not around you? How much time does he
spend away from you v. supervised by you? Are you always talking to other
adults when it happens? Is he getting at least 12 hours of sleep? 10? Do
you have other times when you sit down and talk about feelings or opinions
where you act sympathetic or supportive? How about his other parent and/or
any other family members?

MOX wrote:
Hi Group,

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about
this news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I
should do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He
will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is
around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play
with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing,
running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game,
like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight
but only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any
reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then
he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears
at the
end for any reason. I mean for any kinds of games, he involves and
cries at
the end (again for any reason.) We usually gather with friends who
have
kids - and in any events, my son will be the first one who cried. I
tried
to talk to him and tried to tell him that for any reason, you use
your words
and talk to people, like if they are not playing nice with you.. just
tell
them.. Don't cry.. he seems to understand at that point, but look
like he
can't control his crying.. when anything comes, he'll cry. He didn't
cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything
is
fine, then he is back to normal. Now seems like most of our friends
know his
behavior and they hesitate to play with him, which really bothers me.
What
should I do in this situation? How can I teach my son to be stronger
and
not cry for any reason. Is there any book that I should read? (I
notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2) Most of the time, when he cried,
he came
to me and I asked what happened.. then he talked to me and he stopped
crying
as soon as I reassured him that everything was fine. But I don't
think it's
a good method. Please give me some advice here.

Hi MOX,

Crying is, assuming no physical cause, an expression of inner
discomfort...not news to anyone I'm sure, but just laying some
foundation for what follows.

When it appears that that crying is disconnected from a cause, it just
means the cause is as yet unknown.

Now whether the cause is known or not helping the child connect to the
cause by another validating it WITH another is what eleviates the inner
sense of tension and discomfort. Sort of what you feel when you poor
your heart out, and your troubles, to a friend who listens and doesn't
criticize or attempt to humor or minimize the things you are feeling
and thinking.

Tom Gordon's book Parent Effectiveness Training has a wonder chapter on
how to listen in a way that makes this happen much more powerfully than
our usual, sometimes sloppy listen skills create.

Look for the concept of "Active Listening." With it there is a
feedback loop that results in a feeling of validation of one's
innerstate as being "okay."

Your boy, I suspect, is crying for the very reason that "crying" itself
is upsetting him and he hasn't learned how to handle IT, not the
problems that cause the original feeling.

Actively Listening creates a model he can learn to do for others and
himself. Validate his own and other's inner state of being. Sound
touchy feely, but in fact it's just basic human communication dynamics.
We all do these things even when we aren't aware we do.

He's 4, also. If he's on track, then he is right smack in the middle of
the developmental task of learning social skills. It's always a
struggle, because the normal selfishness of the 3 year and younger
child, "MINE!" is inconflict with the natural drive to be cooperative
and sharing.

Some kids go through this more easily than others, and I doubt you are
doing anything wrong at all. Sounds, with your short description, like
things are on track. Just needs that validation of his confusing and
conflicting inner feelings. Actively listen, be patient, and enjoy the
heck out of the loving, compassionate, giving, five year old.

That's when they fall in love with their parents big time (a social
skill, after all) and you will get a lot of bouquets of crumpled weeds,
given with big soft adoring eyes.

Enjoy. Laugh a lot. Hug him at his worst behavior, and kick the
behaviorists
in the shins, and tell them to leave you and your child alone.

It's ALL about quality of relationships.

There is only one thing I saw that caught my eye in your post that
should be considered. And you didn't do anything other than what all of
us parents have done from the dawn of history. We reassured our
children that "everything was fine."

It wasn't. He can't tell you that, like a friend would if you said that
to them when their life is NOT fine at the moment. But we expect our
kids to accept our reassurance...after all we are powerful gods, right?


Fact is the inner state for your child, (some will buy the "fine"
statement and some wont'..your's won't and didn't...that's actually a
GOOD THING to my way of thinking) was still disrupted and he likely,
after time stopped responding to your reassurance.

Here's the skinny. Go ahead and tell him "eveything is lousy for you
right now." Fill in the words that describe what happened and how his
is feeling for "lousy." Then, if you'll excuse me, SHUT UP and listen,
and encourage without denying, minimizing, humoring, sympathizing, or
anything but unjudgemental listening, MORE talk by HIM about what he
did, and experienced. At four he is more than ready to sort through all
this with a coach, not an "instructor."

Wanna see what self esteem really is? Do this and you'll see it. You
may feel a little bit superfluous at that point but we all do when our
children show independence at various stages...and with it we feel
reassured and proud.

A lot of shutting up is required when you open the door for the child
and let HIM explore HIS own inner state of feeling and thought. And
genius comes from such parenting. Einstein's parents were very much
like this in their parenting. It's a common theme in families where
children excell. Parents listen to their children, and don't spend all
their time correcting, or reassuring, or instructing. They expect the
child to seek the answers, and thus, learn.

And yes, I have been studying this for a very long time. Coming up on
forty five years now. And with mentally ill children too, as well as
normal kids. And unless your kid's wiring is messed up badly, it will
work. (It's not. I've seen this same thing in normal kids forever.)

Read the book. Get someone to practice with you, another Mother Of "n"
would be perfect.

Geez, is that really Ten kids? You probably could teach me a thing or
two.

Kane

On Tue, 14 Dec 2004 14:05:35 -0500, "MOX" wrote:

He really likes to play with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing, running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game, like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears at the
end for any reason.

Hi, I was just going to say that this sounds like his way of blowing
off steam after wild play. I guess maybe some kids pull hair and some
cry ;-).

He didn't cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything is
fine, then he is back to normal.

That sounds kinda ok to me, maybe he gets a bit overwhelmed by his own
intense emotions. Possibly if you help him identify what he is
feeling as part of your reassurance that could help in the long run?
Like try saying "You were so excited when Sam chased you, you were
smiling like this, and your legs were pumping like this when you were
running!", instead of just saying "it's ok", it might give him a bit
more of a road map of his own emotions.

Is there any book that I should read?

I love "Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey which
isn't really about stopping kids from crying but is all about getting
kids and adults in touch with their own emotions, so that they (and
we) can act more appropriately.

I notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2)

That sounds perfectly normal to me, at 1 1/2- in fact stopping crying
as soon as you reassure him at that age seems quite advanced!
SOmetimes kids just need to build up a library of reactions and
talkingf to them about how you acted when you felt a certain way could
help.


Also, may I recommend Brain Gym (unrelated to discipl;ine) as a
possibly useful tool in integrating sensory input.


dm

Crying is, assuming no physical cause, an expression of inner
discomfort...not news to anyone I'm sure, but just laying some
foundation for what follows.

When it appears that that crying is disconnected from a cause, it just
means the cause is as yet unknown.

Now whether the cause is known or not helping the child connect to the
cause by another validating it WITH another is what eleviates the inner
sense of tension and discomfort. Sort of what you feel when you poor
your heart out, and your troubles, to a friend who listens and doesn't
criticize or attempt to humor or minimize the things you are feeling
and thinking.

Tom Gordon's book Parent Effectiveness Training has a wonder chapter on
how to listen in a way that makes this happen much more powerfully than
our usual, sometimes sloppy listen skills create.

Look for the concept of "Active Listening." With it there is a
feedback loop that results in a feeling of validation of one's
innerstate as being "okay."

Your boy, I suspect, is crying for the very reason that "crying" itself
is upsetting him and he hasn't learned how to handle IT, not the
problems that cause the original feeling.

Actively Listening creates a model he can learn to do for others and
himself. Validate his own and other's inner state of being. Sound
touchy feely, but in fact it's just basic human communication dynamics.
We all do these things even when we aren't aware we do.

He's 4, also. If he's on track, then he is right smack in the middle of
the developmental task of learning social skills. It's always a
struggle, because the normal selfishness of the 3 year and younger
child, "MINE!" is inconflict with the natural drive to be cooperative
and sharing.

Some kids go through this more easily than others, and I doubt you are
doing anything wrong at all. Sounds, with your short description, like
things are on track. Just needs that validation of his confusing and
conflicting inner feelings. Actively listen, be patient, and enjoy the
heck out of the loving, compassionate, giving, five year old.

That's when they fall in love with their parents big time (a social
skill, after all) and you will get a lot of bouquets of crumpled weeds,
given with big soft adoring eyes.

Enjoy. Laugh a lot. Hug him at his worst behavior, and kick the
behaviorists
in the shins, and tell them to leave you and your child alone.
It's ALL about quality of relationships.

Kane

My son is in preschool. I've talked to his teachers about how he would
behave in his classroom and got very positive responses from both teachers.
He didn't cry at all at school while playing with other kids. I guess he's
kinda know i'm not around and that is why he didn't cry. He usually sleeps
at least 10 hours. Most of the time he's playing with other kids, I always
supervise him. I know my son is crying to get my attention. However, when
he cries, it's so loud as if something really serious happened that scares
other kids and adults like they did something really bad to him, but I know
they didnt - because I was there, I know. I don't want my son gets my
attention like that, and I always talk to him whenever I have a chance. I
told him that if you're not happy or something, just say it. Use your
words. For example, if someone doesn't play nice with you, you can say
something like this "It's not nice, I don't like it." He seems to
understand and nodge his head as if he know. But when he is in this
situation again, he will forget what he is supposed to say and then just
cry. BTW, my son is slow in speech, he didn't talk much until he is almost
3 and even now I'm still having a hard time understand him. Is this one of
the reason my son crying?

Thanks,
MOX

"T Flynn" wrote in message
...
Does he cry when he's playing and not around you? How much time does he
spend away from you v. supervised by you? Are you always talking to other
adults when it happens? Is he getting at least 12 hours of sleep? 10? Do
you have other times when you sit down and talk about feelings or opinions
where you act sympathetic or supportive? How about his other parent and/or
any other family members?

In article , "MOX"
wrote:

Hi Group,

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about this news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I should do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing, running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game, like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears at the
end for any reason. I mean for any kinds of games, he involves and cries at
the end (again for any reason.) We usually gather with friends who have
kids - and in any events, my son will be the first one who cried. I tried
to talk to him and tried to tell him that for any reason, you use your words
and talk to people, like if they are not playing nice with you.. just tell
them.. Don't cry.. he seems to understand at that point, but look like he
can't control his crying.. when anything comes, he'll cry. He didn't cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything is
fine, then he is back to normal. Now seems like most of our friends know his
behavior and they hesitate to play with him, which really bothers me. What
should I do in this situation? How can I teach my son to be stronger and
not cry for any reason. Is there any book that I should read? (I notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2) Most of the time, when he cried, he came
to me and I asked what happened.. then he talked to me and he stopped crying
as soon as I reassured him that everything was fine. But I don't think it's
a good method. Please give me some advice here.



It sounds like your son lives close to his tears. I know I do, as does
one of my kids. This isn't a Bad Thing, though many people treat it
like it is. I can tell you from MY experience that all the admonitions
to not cry only made it harder for me to not cry -- because the crying
itself became upsetting. Plus, my parents telling me "big girls don't
cry" or giving me any other "don't cry" message just made me feel more
inadequate.

He may always be a person who lives closer to his tears than most. It
doesn't mean he isn't strong -- and I can't imagine trying to teach a
child to "not cry for any reason"! There are some darned GOOD reasons
to cry, for anyone. He's able to stop quickly, so it isn't like
uncontrolled crying jags. I wouldn't get overly upset when he cries, or
more upset than when a child comes to you moderately upset or unhappy.
Ignore the tears, and respond to the emotion.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

This is the first time I posted a message here. I found out about
this news
group from my friend, who regularly reads this news group. I have a
problem - actually my son does - that I need your advice on what I
should do
to help him improve his behavior. My son is almost 4 years old. He will
turn to 4 in Feb 2005. What I am concerned his behavior when he is
around
others, either strangers, or friends of us. He really likes to play
with
other children, and sometimes play very tough - He likes chasing,
running
around, laughing really hard. Most of the time, he starts the game,
like
initiating people involve in chasing, running, pretending to fight but
only
for a short time, then when he gets too excited, he will cry for any
reason.
Like some kids unintended run into him (I know just by accident) then
he
will cry. If he is playing with an adult, he will end up in tears at
the
end for any reason. I mean for any kinds of games, he involves and
cries at
the end (again for any reason.) We usually gather with friends who
have
kids - and in any events, my son will be the first one who cried. I
tried
to talk to him and tried to tell him that for any reason, you use your
words
and talk to people, like if they are not playing nice with you.. just
tell
them.. Don't cry.. he seems to understand at that point, but look like
he
can't control his crying.. when anything comes, he'll cry. He didn't
cry
for long, just a shortime, and as soon as I reassure that everything is
fine, then he is back to normal. Now seems like most of our friends
know his
behavior and they hesitate to play with him, which really bothers me.
What
should I do in this situation? How can I teach my son to be stronger
and
not cry for any reason. Is there any book that I should read? (I notice
his behavior when he was 1 and 1/2) Most of the time, when he cried, he
came
to me and I asked what happened.. then he talked to me and he stopped
crying
as soon as I reassured him that everything was fine. But I don't think
it's
a good method. Please give me some advice here.

This doesn't sound abnormal at all. My son (4) doesn't cry that often,
but when he does sometimes it's for the smallest reason. It can be a
slight injury, or his brother stealing a toy, or someone changing a tv
station he's watching. It's different from a tantrum in that he
doesn't act mad or defiant, just cries tears of sadness. It's apparent
that he can't control it. He resists being comforted and trying to
talk him out of stopping doesn't work at all. A couple of times lately
he's gone to his room, completely of his own volition, and laid on his
bed for a few minutes until he gets it out of his system. When he
emerges from his room he's red eyed and runny nosed, but with a smile
on his face.