What would you do in this situation?

If you are really against her having the Money you could always have her
work arround the house and earn the money then give it back to the parents.
The only thing is do you really expect a young teen to think of others first
all the time? Even I dont do that and I am big on getting stuff for others
even with my christmas gift card that I get from my mom every year.

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Xavier 10/27/04

I take it this family is rather well off? If not, I would
be suspicious of something (not sure what, but something wouldn't
be adding up). If they are, then it was a tactless thing to do
but I probably wouldn't do anything about it other than perhaps
to make a comment like, "That was awfully generous of you, hope
there's not a new bar set for sleepovers for the rest of us!"
Honestly, I would chalk it up to poor decision making by people
who clearly have more money than sense. I don't think the
appropriate thing to do in that case is to go dress them down
for it, and even opening up a friendlier discussion isn't
likely to help much. I'd treat it much the same way as I'd
treat someone who had my kids for a sleepover and allowed them
to do anything else that wasn't dangerous or immoral but was
just, well, stupid. I'd talk to my kids about what was
appropriate behavior and I'd exercise caution next time that
family extended an invitation for something.
I do think explaining to your DD that this was
inappropriate is a good thing. She may or may not get it,
as I know a lot of adults who don't get the concept of not
accepting inapproprite gifts, so having a simple rule like
not accepting any significant amount of money without
talking to you first is probably a good idea.
I don't think I'd wig out too much about her spending
all the money on herself. She'd never been in that situation
before and was likely a bit shocked and overwhelmed! Plus,
she was likely in a pack of kids who were all spending that
money on themselves as well and got caught up in the spree.
I'd chalk it up to her being unprepared for such an
unexpected situation and being somewhat overwhelmed by it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article ,
"animzmirot" wrote:

I want to talk to the parents. Should I? What would you do?

My reactions to this are all over the place!

Let's see --

1 -- Find out if they every throw sleepovers for grownups. No, wait,
catch my breath . . .

2 -- Make sure your daughter writes a VERY nice thank you card --
quickly.

3 -- Talk to your daughter about why *you* think a gift this generous is
inappropriate -- acknowledging that, since this family obviously has a
different standard of what it is to be well off, they obviously didn't
see it that way. However, you expect her to live by YOUR standards.

4 -- Congratulate her on intelligent shopping; that's actually quite an
impressive mall-haul for only $100!

5 -- Invite the other girl over for a sleepover, to model what YOU
consider appropriate for a sleepover; maybe take the girls to a movie
or bowling the next day, but without handing out cash.

6 -- Next time she's invited to these folk's house -- or next time it
seems comfortable if you meet them in person -- talk to them about what
is planned, and tell them that, while you appreciate their generosity,
you are not comfortable with ANYONE handing your daughter that kind of
money, and that you want your daughter to get YOUR permission before
accepting cash gifts of more than (fill in the blank).
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


snip incredible story

My goodness. I would be livid.
I'd march back to the mall and return everything she bought, and give the
other parents back the $100.00, explaining that that is just not what we do
in our family. But then, I'm a hardass. That is absolutely what I would do.
We are very frugal and watch every penny and that is the same message I want
my kids to take forward with them.
I could not care less about how my kids want to keep up with the other
half.
$100.00 is a goodly amount of money here, and to waste it like that is
shameful. You shouldn't just swallow your gut feelings and let your daughter
think you are OK with it. If you let this go by, what's next?

"tracert" wrote in message
...

"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


snip incredible story

My goodness. I would be livid.
I'd march back to the mall and return everything she bought, and give the
other parents back the $100.00, explaining that that is just not what we
do
in our family. But then, I'm a hardass. That is absolutely what I would
do.
We are very frugal and watch every penny and that is the same message I
want
my kids to take forward with them.
I could not care less about how my kids want to keep up with the other
half.
$100.00 is a goodly amount of money here, and to waste it like that is
shameful. You shouldn't just swallow your gut feelings and let your
daughter
think you are OK with it. If you let this go by, what's next?

Just wondering. Would the above solution help children grow up to be
frugal?
This type of thing didn't work for me or my three siblings, but then my
mother didn't cause quite the scene described here. Perhaps if she ensured
we were outcasts we would be much more frugal?

Of COURSE you should talk to the parents. I can't understand why you
would hesitate for a nanosecond.

My oldest son (13) has a friend whose parents are very well to do - and
its one thing for them to invite my son along on expensive outings
(like basket ball games or concerts - they appear to have subscription
tickets and we always offer to pay and they won't ever take it) but
I've NEVER heard of parents handing out cash like that for a wild and
unsupervised shopping spree. It just doesn't sound right at all to me.
If that is the true story, its also really inappropriate.

Call them up and find out what the story is as a bare minimum and then
take your cues to next steps from there. Sounds way fishy to me. Also,
I wouldn't be letting my kid go over there again for an overnight - its
a bit out of control for my liking. The kind of situation where things
could get out of hand easily (i.e. unsupervised preteens and teens
getting into things that should give you pause....especially if its
fuelled by parents with more money than brains).

Mary

In article , Cathy Kearns
says...


"tracert" wrote in message
...

"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


snip incredible story

My goodness. I would be livid.
I'd march back to the mall and return everything she bought, and give the
other parents back the $100.00, explaining that that is just not what we
do
in our family. But then, I'm a hardass. That is absolutely what I would
do.
We are very frugal and watch every penny and that is the same message I
want
my kids to take forward with them.
I could not care less about how my kids want to keep up with the other
half.
$100.00 is a goodly amount of money here, and to waste it like that is
shameful. You shouldn't just swallow your gut feelings and let your
daughter
think you are OK with it. If you let this go by, what's next?

Just wondering. Would the above solution help children grow up to be
frugal?
This type of thing didn't work for me or my three siblings, but then my
mother didn't cause quite the scene described here. Perhaps if she ensured
we were outcasts we would be much more frugal?




Yeah - I had the same reaction.

Maybe if frugality is some kind of religious-ethical thing to a person. But I
thought that, although frugality has some ethical component (but not the sort
where one would be damned by one 'transgression'), but it was an overwhelmingly
practical thing.

So, if someone DOES get a $100 windfall, frugality would teach, for example, to
use it to get a really good, classic, wool suit. Or something like that. (I
really admired one particular subject of What Not To Wear who used her $5000.00
pretty exclusively to stock up on some very, very good, basic, coats and suits,
and just enough accessories to make Stacey and Clinton happy on the
post-shopping presentation. The other stuff she can fill in later!) So, if I
were particularly frugal, I would go over with my daughter what a good spending
of $100.00 would be.

Actually having a kid painfully return a windfall only teaches - what? - maybe
Money Is Bad. Or is it Rich People Corrupt? Or what, really??

Banty

In article ,
Banty wrote:

Actually having a kid painfully return a windfall only teaches - what? - maybe
Money Is Bad. Or is it Rich People Corrupt? Or what, really??

That's my reaction to some of the posts, as well.

While the act of giving a bunch of kids $100 to spend at the mall
strikes me as inappropriate -- it isn't THAT far over the top if the
family is wealthy beyond my imagination (and a 23 room house indicates
that it IS beyond my imagination!) -- so it is just a bit of a fling.

I've been stunned at the expense and generosity of some birthday parties
my kids have attended, or at the $$ involved when they've been invited
to eat out with another family at a place we don't even have the money
for when it's just DH and I -- but I wouldn't dream of telling the kids
they couldn't accept, just because it is something *I* wouldn't spend
money on, or is more extravagent than I think is remotely necessary.

Yes, cash IS different; however, it is done. I don't think it ever
would have occurred to me to tell my kids not to accept cash from other
people -- it never came up -- so I imagine that if something like this
HAD come up, they'd have done about the same thing as the OP's daughter.
THEN I'd have talked to them about it -- but what's done is done, and I
can't see anything to be gained by either returning the stuff OR finding
a way to pay the other family $100. (Though if you are REALLY
uncomfortable with the whole thing, I suppose giving the $100 back to
the other family might be an option. However, I doubt that they'd be
comfortable accepting it.)

Heck, she broke a "rule" she didn't even know existed! Making her
return stuff would certainly FEEL like punishment. And to what end? It
would seem to send the message that mom and dad just don't WANT her to
have nice things.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote:

I've been stunned at the expense and generosity of some birthday parties
my kids have attended, or at the $$ involved when they've been invited
to eat out with another family at a place we don't even have the money
for when it's just DH and I -- but I wouldn't dream of telling the kids
they couldn't accept, just because it is something *I* wouldn't spend
money on, or is more extravagent than I think is remotely necessary.

Yes, cash IS different; however, it is done.

Yes, the cash is different. The issue with all these things
is reciprocity. If someone hosts you at an elaborate party or an
expensive restaurant, you can still return the hospitality by
inviting them to your own party or inviting them to dinner. Yours
need not be as expensive or elaborate to satisfy the obligation
to return hospitality. It's the act of hosting that counts, however
elaborate or humble, and no polite person would or should be counting
pennies to see if the scores are somehow even.
With cash, it's difficult, or maybe impossible, to return the
favor. Hence, the giving of such a gift is inappropriate as it puts
the recipient in one's debt (even if one doesn't expect the money to
be repaid). There are certainly times when close friends have very
different economic circumstances, and in those situations sometimes
an accommodation is reached over time that allows the more well off
friend to tactfully give more expensive gifts, but it is *very*
tricky to navigate that situation and few end up doing it well
so that both parties in the relationship maintain a certain degree
of parity and respect and dignity.
I think it's really important to teach people not to
accept gifts that are inappropriate. However, that's a pretty
tricky lesson. Adults often have trouble with it. I think that
makes it worth using this event as a teachable moment to discuss
all those issues (what if your rich friend gives you money? what
if a boy gives you his class ring? what if a man gives you expensive
jewelry?), but I sure as heck wouldn't be punitive about it, and
I see no value in forcing the return of all those items.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Mon, 6 Dec 2004 11:27:29 -0600, "Nikki"
scribbled:

I'd call the parents. I'm not exactly sure how I'd handle it but I'd
definitely call. Maybe to say that I was shocked at such an unexpected gift
and to say thank you (I'd have dd write a thank you note as well). I'd
mostly want to know what they were thinking and try and find out without
being so forward. I'd want a better grasp of what their limits are. It
seems so wildly inappropriate to me that I question the rest of their
boundaries but maybe $100 isn't that wildly inappropriate at their income?

I agree that it seems inappropriate, but I can't place my finger on
why I feel that way. It's not because I'd insist on frugality, or
that I'd fear having to reciprocate. I've certainly spent money on my
ds' friends over the years without a backwards blink. But it
certainly wasn't $100 in one shot, either.
I think that's what bugs me. The amount is just OTT to pass off to a
bunch of teens.
$100 might not cause that family to bat an eye, but it's just too much
money.

While I'd be a bit uncomfortable about the situation, I wouldn't
insist that everything be returned. I'd choose AFTER the fact to
teach a lesson in frugality, if that was important to me. But I'm
positive I would let the parents know that I'd prefer they consult me
first, before doing that in the future.

Nan