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#21
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
Stephanie J wrote in message ... "Welches" wrote in message ... Stephanie J wrote in message ... Can't you see where this chap's coming from? Yes I do understand - You can have a planned c-section and still be in charge of your birth, you can plan to have an epidural and tons of internals and be in charge. You can have a midwife at home or hospital and plan for bo drugs and be in charge. I really don't care how other people choose to have their babies or feed their babies or diaper their babies or school their babies - as long as they have chosen the best route for them after doing the research. Thanks, Stephanie, you've put a balanced view on the issue. Debbie |
#22
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
On Mon, 10 May 2004 20:08:28 +0100, Welches
wrote: Yes, I wasn't commenting on home births at all. Just unassisted births. Very different (to me!) And me! I was basically agreeing with you, but coming from a different angle. I don't think unassisted is necessarily a good idea, particularly with a first, but I was trying to point out that doesn't mean a hospital birth with uncle Tom cobbley and all present. Homebirth gives you more control and you can have midwives in the house but not in the room for much of it, if you wish. Megan |
#23
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote: "Nan" wrote in message .. . On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1 wrote: No-one is looking at you. Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes were scrunched up in agony. Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor ;-) Nan Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized. Who said anything about being victimized??? And yes, people are looking at you. Big time. Must be a YMMV thing, then because nobody ever bothered me, let alone took the time to look at me, save for two internal exams to check dilation. Nan |
#24
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
On Mon, 10 May 2004 16:15:49 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote: "Nan" wrote in message .. . On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny" wrote: "Nan" wrote in message .. . On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1 wrote: No-one is looking at you. Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes were scrunched up in agony. Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor ;-) Nan Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized. Who said anything about being victimized??? Nobody, I was just venting my experience. Sorry for the out of context rant. No problem, it just took me by surprise, attached to my post. Nan |
#25
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
"Nan" wrote in message ... On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny" wrote: "Nan" wrote in message .. . On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1 wrote: No-one is looking at you. Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes were scrunched up in agony. Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor ;-) Nan Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized. Who said anything about being victimized??? Nobody, I was just venting my experience. Sorry for the out of context rant. And yes, people are looking at you. Big time. Must be a YMMV thing, then because nobody ever bothered me, let alone took the time to look at me, save for two internal exams to check dilation. Yes, I guess. |
#26
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
Hey Jay;
First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much, you can always go to the hospital. As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't, besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. Also, it seems that the problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk logic with her. She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The health of the baby or her comfort? I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the opposite of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will have my husband run me to the hospital as soon as we are allowed & I will have a fully medicated (if such a thing exists) birth ) I am not half as brave as your wife. Mona due 07-31-04 Jay wrote: Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time! Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading... with NO help!!! We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home birth, but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we went to the hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth with a mid-wife present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake of safety everyone I know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister, friends) has suggested that we MUST go to the hospital. This is her/our first child. She hates the idea of everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be at the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or her mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good situation. We can't help if there are complications. The only thing we could do is call an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we can't force her to get there ourselves), where my wife doesn't want to go in the first place! Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she insists she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to make. But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she is being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being one bit. Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me because I'm the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is the only major thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is wonderful and I love her VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she won't listen to, it's her mother and ANYONE else who doesn't agree with her! Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do it all herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a mid-wife, I wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I think it would make my wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over a month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of our child . I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she won't ask anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an unsafe environment (not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she hasn't done anything to provide for it). Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post them to this group! Jay |
#27
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
zolw wrote:
Whoa, this is an awfully accusatory message! First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into Why? I didn't have an unassisted childbirth, but I've been through three births in which my midwives were, at my request, very hands off. It didn't seem to bother me any. How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much, you can always go to the hospital. Did you perhaps mean to say *if* things get too much? As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't, besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. This is not necessarily true. Study after study after study shows that the people present at a birth and their relationship with the mother *do*, in fact, affect the progress (and the safety) of labor and delivery. It can certainly matter a great deal, especially to some women. I don't think it's appropriate or polite to dismiss her concerns like that. Also, it seems that the problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk logic with her. The relationship with a homebirth midwife tends to be far more intimate. It's a far cry from birthing in front of L&D nurses (or maybe even on call doctors/midwives) whom one has never even met. She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The health of the baby or her comfort? Ooooh, this argument always makes me see red. How would you feel if I said, "What's more important to you? Your comfort or your baby's health?" with respect to whether or not you choose an epidural? Epidurals do, after all, have risks. Would you not, quite rightly, tell me precisely where I could stuff that question? Unassisted childbirth isn't for everyone, and there are certainly cases in which it is unacceptably risky. However, for some people in some situations it can be a reasonable choice--just as for some women in some situations it is reasonable to choose an epidural even though epidurals present increased risks. Best wishes, Ericka |
#28
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
"zolw" wrote Hey Jay; First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into Brave? Any woman having a baby is brave. The labor and birth are the easiest part of the whole parenthood thing. that part only lastsa day or 3 anyway. Parenthood lasts a lifetime. Literally. As far as the pain thing, well... I guess if you feel all births are painful, that would make a difference. Most of mine have been painful to a point but one was so easy it wasn't even funny. Personally I'm more terrified of a needle in my spine than I am of childbirth.. I don't mind needles in general, mind you... How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much, you can always go to the hospital. I stand by my position that every birthing woman/couple should educate themselves about unassisted childbirth no matter what their plans are. Between your body, the baby, the weather, road construction, traffic... there is no guarantee that what you plan is what will happen. Not all births are hard, just to make that clear. As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't, besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. Also, it seems that the problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk logic with her. I don't like people seeing my stuff unless there's a good reason for it. Childbirth is not generally a medical condition. My husband, sure... my mom even, during a birth,sure. A doctor? Only if there's medical need. And yes, doctors and nurses will be looking and some of them will comment about what they see. I've heard it while waiting for appointments. Professional, no.. but utterly human. I do think I'd want them to be looking at that area while they were attaching the scalp monitor, for instance... From what I've heard about the good midwives - they are much like a best friend/mother/sister figure and just happen to have lots of training and/or experience in birth situations. I would have willingly had one for my births if there had been one available in my area. She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The health of the baby or her comfort? That is, well... I'll leave you to read Ericka's response. Baby has a better chance of not getting nasty germs at home than in the hospital environment. Less chance of interventions unless they are truly indicated when you stay home also. I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the opposite of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will have my husband run me to the hospital as soon as we are allowed & I will have a fully medicated (if such a thing exists) birth ) I am not half as brave as your wife. You might want to prepare yourself for an unmedicated and/or unassisted birth yourself... I've heard more than one story of either not getting to the hospital on time or the medications not working...The best laid plans and all, you know Stephanie - fairly modest, even during childbirth, thank you very much. Maybe if I got really drunk first I wouldn't notice that there were strangers around? 17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months Mona due 07-31-04 |
#29
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
zolw wrote:
First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into I don't think *you* have any way of knowing what sort of pain Jay's wife is going to get into, either. I'm not a particularly brave person but I've managed two unmedicated births and never felt, either time, that the pain was beyond my ability to cope. To my mind, fear of pain is not a good reason to avoid an unassisted birth. There are plenty of OTHER reasons (not least of which is that, if things aren't going right, a first-time mother doesn't necessarily have the training or experience to recognize the problem developing), butpain is, IMO, a total non-issue. How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). You probably wouldn't want her to see the video of my third birth, then. My MIL, SIL, BIL, and niece-in-law dropped by the hospital while I was in labor with him. I was so serene during the contractions I was having during their stay, they thought it would be *hours* until the baby was born. 20 minutes after they left, after a five minute pushing stage, he slipped into the world. Of course, a third birth is generally easier than a first, but I certainly wouldn't characterize birth as something that is *always* hard. If she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much, you can always go to the hospital. And if they don't get too be too much? As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't, besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I admit, when I was in labor, I didn't mind having people around. But I don't fool myself into believing that *everyone* would want their husband, mother, nephew, best friend, two children, a midwife, and two nurses present when she was giving birth (that was the full complement when my third was born). Also, it seems that the problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk logic with her. Pregnant women are not especially known for being logical, however g. She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The health of the baby or her comfort? I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the opposite of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will have my husband run me to the hospital as soon as we are allowed & I will have a fully medicated (if such a thing exists) birth ) And here is where *you* are being illogical. You're accusing the OP's wife of being more concerned about her comfort than the baby's health while clearly putting your *own* comfort above *your* baby's health by demanding a "fully medicated" birth. All pain relief medications delivered during labor have risks for your baby. These risks are small and mostly minor, to be sure, but they are real. So, come on, do you care more about your baby's health or your own comfort? I am not half as brave as your wife. I don't think you're not brave--I think you've been indoctrinated with the fear of childbirth that permeates our culture. I think it's a shame, really, because it *is* possible for unmedicated childbirth to be an envigorating, empowering, deeply profound experience. -- Be well, Barbara Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 4), and the Rising Son (Julian, 6) Aurora (in the bathroom with her dad)--"It looks like an elephant, Daddy." Me (later)--"You should feel flattered." All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful. Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman |
#30
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Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!
As long as she's consulting with a good midwife for prenatal care (my
perinatologist actually prefers for most of his high-risk patients to have regular care with a midwife because of the closer relationship) who is going to be able recognize signs of problems, I don't see this as a problem. While I cannot consider a home birth (this one will be a C-section, and has a pretty high chance of being another complicated pregnancy), many women don't need the level of care provided by a hospital. A good midwife is less of a medical professional than a friend who has been through this before, and tends to stay out of the way. It really sounds like fear talking, not logic here. |
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