Another thought on the SAHM

I'm not bashing mom's for staying at home - it was pointed out that I did
and yes we too planned - how could one not after 24 years of marriage?
Anyhow, working for such a long time I knew and saw many people who worked
from the get go of having their babies (even multiples), and I knew I wanted
to be home for the infants. Now that they are in school there really isn't
any reason for me to be home - IMO. I'm not a social butterfly, have all of
3 girlfriends, all 3 are stay at home mom's who babysit during the day, or
one is the PTO president and girl scout leader for our troop. I haven't had
a party (other than the children) for about 20 years. I am only gone when
the twins are at school which works well. Having a MIL at home, who loves
housework, some of the small stuff gets done (at 88 it's hard to do heavy
duty stuff). My DH does a lot here too. My MIL worked only after my FIL
died (30 years ago) for 17 years. Even though she was working and had a
social life she never "worked" and loved it. It was a duty to her. She is
so incredibly involved in her "kids" that the "kids" can't do anything
without her being involved - she in other words has no life. She never has
and proudly says she stayed home to bake cookies etc. The problem is she
never built anything in her mind that she was important at and even at 88
(she was 57 when dad died), she never expanded. She could have traveled (no
the kids might want...). The kids by the way are now 54 and 57!!! Neither
need her to worry whether we are going to be late for work (she does), or
that the library books are do (they were but renewed online), etc., etc. It
gets very involved and we feel sorry for her. She might have been one of
the mom's who needed a "career" in her life other than her kids. I know
plenty of SAH mom's who's children are in college or married now and have
gone on with living and not worrying about every thing their adult family
does. I did have an acquaintance who said he didn't have "kids" anymore,
but siblings that were adults. Just another thought.

Shirley
mom to Chris and Kathleen 1/95

WOW! You covered a lot of ground with your post. I am not commenting
about your MIL, but on your decision to work outside the home. If had
been the first time this had been brought up here, you would have
opened a can of worms. However, you may not see a lot of replies just
because it's been discussed before.

FWIW, I have found that those who criticize the other side are really
criticising the extremists. Most reasonable people do not think along
the lines of what Hillary said 11 years ago. Most reasonable people
know that generally speaking, kids are better off if they can spend
time with Mom during the early years, but if mom has to work outside
the home, they can still have a great upbringing if both parents spend
plenty of time with them during evenings and weekends. The ones who
are not reasonable are, unfortunately, the loudest.

WOW! You covered a lot of ground with your post. I am not commenting
about your MIL, but on your decision to work outside the home. If had
been the first time this had been brought up here, you would have
opened a can of worms. However, you may not see a lot of replies just
because it's been discussed before.

FWIW, I have found that those who criticize the other side are really
criticising the extremists. Most reasonable people do not think along
the lines of what Hillary said 11 years ago. Most reasonable people
know that generally speaking, kids are better off if they can spend
time with Mom during the early years, but if mom has to work outside
the home, they can still have a great upbringing if both parents spend
plenty of time with them during evenings and weekends. The ones who
are not reasonable are, unfortunately, the loudest.

I would say your MIL's job is homemaker, the matriarch of the family, etc. etc.
I'm really surprised that someone her age hasn't reached out beyond the family
though. I've been observing the older generation for a few years, just
casually, and am amazed at how much they do!! And especially how much they do
for others, even what I would consider beyond their means.

My mom is a very staunch stay at homer, even after the kids are in school, even
after they are out of college! (I keep telling her that she needs to get a job
now that dad is retired... but now I think she needs to be home to make sure he
doesn't have any more amnesia spells) But she definitely had her fingers in
many pots. She taught adults to read, she did some hospital volunteer work,
mission trips, etc. Her thought is that if you have a job, you have an
obligation to the employer. So you aren't as available. And I guess having a
sickly child like me drove home the point for her.

Just some musings... Your post sure did cover a lot!!

Stephanie
Jake and Ryan 9/3/99

I would say your MIL's job is homemaker, the matriarch of the family, etc. etc.
I'm really surprised that someone her age hasn't reached out beyond the family
though. I've been observing the older generation for a few years, just
casually, and am amazed at how much they do!! And especially how much they do
for others, even what I would consider beyond their means.

My mom is a very staunch stay at homer, even after the kids are in school, even
after they are out of college! (I keep telling her that she needs to get a job
now that dad is retired... but now I think she needs to be home to make sure he
doesn't have any more amnesia spells) But she definitely had her fingers in
many pots. She taught adults to read, she did some hospital volunteer work,
mission trips, etc. Her thought is that if you have a job, you have an
obligation to the employer. So you aren't as available. And I guess having a
sickly child like me drove home the point for her.

Just some musings... Your post sure did cover a lot!!

Stephanie
Jake and Ryan 9/3/99

Subject: Another thought on the SAHM
From: "shirley"
Date: Wed, Sep 17, 2003 4:46 AM
Message-id:

I'm not bashing mom's for staying at home - it was pointed out that I did
and yes we too planned - how could one not after 24 years of marriage?
Anyhow, working for such a long time I knew and saw many people who worked
from the get go of having their babies (even multiples), and I knew I wanted
to be home for the infants. Now that they are in school there really isn't
any reason for me to be home - IMO.

I always planned to go back to work once the kids were in school. But I am
starting to wonder how practical that will be. What do you do during
vacations? The thought of them having to go to day care during the summer every
day just doesn't seem fair to them. I don't want them robbed of their
childhood summers. They deserve to sleep in and go to the beach and all those
summer things.

So what kinds of jobs would offer some degree of flexiblility so I could be
home during that time. Working in the school would make the most sense. But
getting in is easier said than done. I also thought of some sort of temp work
where you only say you're available during the school year. I still have a few
years before I need to worry about this. But I want to at least start giving
it some thought.

Lori

Subject: Another thought on the SAHM
From: "shirley"
Date: Wed, Sep 17, 2003 4:46 AM
Message-id:

I'm not bashing mom's for staying at home - it was pointed out that I did
and yes we too planned - how could one not after 24 years of marriage?
Anyhow, working for such a long time I knew and saw many people who worked
from the get go of having their babies (even multiples), and I knew I wanted
to be home for the infants. Now that they are in school there really isn't
any reason for me to be home - IMO.

I always planned to go back to work once the kids were in school. But I am
starting to wonder how practical that will be. What do you do during
vacations? The thought of them having to go to day care during the summer every
day just doesn't seem fair to them. I don't want them robbed of their
childhood summers. They deserve to sleep in and go to the beach and all those
summer things.

So what kinds of jobs would offer some degree of flexiblility so I could be
home during that time. Working in the school would make the most sense. But
getting in is easier said than done. I also thought of some sort of temp work
where you only say you're available during the school year. I still have a few
years before I need to worry about this. But I want to at least start giving
it some thought.

Lori

I have nothing against working mothers, but I *do* work FT also. I am
not only a mother, I am also a wife, housekeeper and cook. Even when my
kids go back to school, I will still have the same jobs. Cooking,
cleaning, shopping, etc. And I will only have 6 hrs. to do it all before
the kids come home and I have homework, showers, etc. to deal with.

I am not against the idea of gong back to work when the kids are much
older, and can take care of things themselves. I did floral design
before I was a Mom and it is very easy to jump into at any time.

I am lucky enough that I don't *have* to work. My husband is a very good
provider.

Ah, this is just another "no-win" situation, where everyone has their
own opinions. I just had to give my $.02, so you all know I am still
here!

Megan
Mommy to miracle twins...
Aidan & Alexis
Born 9-28-02

I have nothing against working mothers, but I *do* work FT also. I am
not only a mother, I am also a wife, housekeeper and cook. Even when my
kids go back to school, I will still have the same jobs. Cooking,
cleaning, shopping, etc. And I will only have 6 hrs. to do it all before
the kids come home and I have homework, showers, etc. to deal with.

I am not against the idea of gong back to work when the kids are much
older, and can take care of things themselves. I did floral design
before I was a Mom and it is very easy to jump into at any time.

I am lucky enough that I don't *have* to work. My husband is a very good
provider.

Ah, this is just another "no-win" situation, where everyone has their
own opinions. I just had to give my $.02, so you all know I am still
here!

Megan
Mommy to miracle twins...
Aidan & Alexis
Born 9-28-02

So what kinds of jobs would offer some degree of flexiblility so I could
be
home during that time. Working in the school would make the most sense.
But
getting in is easier said than done. I also thought of some sort of temp
work
where you only say you're available during the school year. I still have
a few
years before I need to worry about this. But I want to at least start
giving
it some thought.

Yes, that is a problem, but unfortunately it's even more complex than that.
What about when they are sick? I had a kid home at least one day a week
*every* week last year from about Feb. 10 until the middle of April. A
couple of weeks, it was two different kids, totalling three days .......
What kind of employee would that have made me? I'd love to go back to work
PT school hours only when Holly is older but it just won't fly for me. I
have no family whatsoever close by who can be called on in a pinch and with
dh out of town or working 14 hours a day, it is most unfortunate that I also
don't have the much-desired handy neighbor or friend who will take on a
puking kid at 5 minutes notice with a nod and a smile :-)

Of course, I do have 4, so the odds of problems and sickness are greater.
But basically, for myself, I have given up on the idea of working til at
least the older ones are old enough to stay home alone if moderately(!)
sick. I don't really know yet when that would be. Perhaps around 10 or 11?
And I still haven't worked out what to do about summers.

PS To give you a couple thoughts on your question of *what* you could do,
the preschooler mothers I know who worked and didn't want to use childcare
had to alternate work shifts with their husbands (the wife worked say 5 - 9
after dh came home, and then, say, all day Saturday). And almost all those
mothers worked in retail. Loads of flexible PT hours available there (at
least there were a couple years ago), including late night inventory (til
midnight + sometimes).

Another friend was an accountant for a neighbor's business, so she worked
from his house (just down the street) on some evenings and Sat. a.m.
Another was a fertility nurse so she did the weekend shifts for the IVF
patients (7 - 1 or something like that, both days). Another still is a NICU
nurse but only does night shifts, so FT work is "only" 3 nights a week (she
does Fri Sat Sun most weeks). Nurses can also "float" (or whatever it's
called), where they work just for a few weeks or months and then move on to
another hospital.

My SIL had a job where she had to call clients of one of the big accounting
firms, whose projects had just been finished, and fill in a customer
satisfaction survey. That was all over the world, so sometimes she was on
the phone at 11pm or 4am, but it certainly fitted round taking the kids to
school! Other than working at home like that (typing?), tupperware etc., or
weekend work (restaurants etc), that's about all that comes to me off the
top of my head. If you wanted to do office work and you worked in a small
office you might also have some flexibility to leave early and take
assignments home to finish by next morning.

phew Had no idea I knew so many PT / temp workers!!

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)