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#1
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custody battle - need help
I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the situation but can give more details if needed. My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother. The mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state, where they used to live when the child was born. She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months. She works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is gone. She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the sitters. Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he would not live there with her. She had been out of this for a year and a half and had returned to school. I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were together. Her brother is also here. I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've paid $2,400.00. He seems to think I have a good chance of getting custody but I wanted to hear some other opions. I have filed to legitimate my daughter and for full legal and physical custody. I love my daughter and want her with me. If her mother and I were married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and cannot trust at all and she admits this. I was always faithfull to her and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her. She seems to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough. Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she got bored with the `normal` life. I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my girlfriend refuses. I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things. I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil). In an effort to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us. The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on paxil without therapy. I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town (parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she has no roots here and is ready to leave. I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year. She wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old, what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15? I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working. She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test? She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home. Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did not take everything but she calls this abandonment. I was at the hotel for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at $70-80 a night. Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be broke. The next weekend she went back again. I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and paying her rent so I'm stopping it today. I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my daughter? Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old? I don't think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and can really not do anything about it. What should I do? How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired. I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer at the hotel with no spell checker. |
#2
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You cannot get custody of her 12 year old, you are not a parent to that
child. You have an attorney and you should go by the advice of that person and do what your attorney advises. The one question you need to think about answering is this one.....when you met your GF, she was a stripper, correct? You chose to have a relationship with her despite that fact....why is it you are complaining about it now? Think of a good answer to that one because that will be the hardest one. Be very careful in slinging stuff at her....remember, you CHOSE her, so if she was horrible then you shouldn't have become involved with her. That is not to say you will not get custody because I can't advise you on that...only your attorney can. You just need to get ready for the stuff that is going to come your way too. Good luck. Denise |
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I would allege the drug use and try to get a court order to make her
test. Ask your lawyer to find out if your state law will allow you to force her to take a drug test. Agree to take one yourself, this will look better. You will not get custody of the 12 year-old. Grandparents could try but would most likely not be successful. You need to establish a home for your daughter. Rent a two-bedroom apartment. You might want to hire a PI to investigate her behavior while she is stripping. There might be something there, this would be a true fishing trip. Ask your lawyer if that type of evidence would be allowed. Try to see your daughter at every turn. Record all correspondance on the phone and save all letters. Ask your lawyer if you have to tell her she is being recorded to have the tapes be admissable, this varies by state. Good luck. |
#4
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Thanks for the quick reponse. That is a good question and I have
thought about it a lot. I know I should have seen this coming but I didn't. When I met her she was a stripper and I knew nothing about that life. She said it was more of a lifestyle than a job and I didn't really understand that. As I got to know her I found out how awful it really was. She hated it and told me most of the others hated it to. Then I fell in love with her. I can't help that that happened and those feeling have not gone away. My impression was that she was stuck in some awful job with no way get out, but that she really wanted out. Well, she got out and in my opinion didn't like what she found so she went back. When she was out she could not replace the excitment and all the tax-free money had advantages. During this time I learned how bad a job it really was and what really goes on there. Now she is back there by choice. I can't see how anyone would think her lifestyle is the better one to raise a child in. Do you see any advantages? I have made a lot of mistakes like getting involved with a stripper and having a baby without being married. Even others if you go back to my teenage years. All I can do is try to do better as I go forward. I don't hold her past agianst her and the fact that she used to be a stripper is irrelevant. The fact that she is now a stripper is very relevant. Am I wrong? |
#5
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Thanks,
She sends 20 - 50 text messages to my cell-phone every day. Most are very mean and very rude and accuse me of things I have never done. This is how she told me that some guy was putting her up in an apartment. My phone usually gets full after 60 messages so I delete them. Would it help to save them? I could keep some of the worse or take picures before i delete them. I'm sure I'll get more. I'll ask my attorney about this. The attorney seems very confident but has not asked a lot of specifics. Not sure if this means anything, he could be concentrating on filling the paperwork and getting her served first. He seems to think that since she returned to being a stripper and is ready to take the baby out of town that it should go in my favor easily. I'm not so confident but I have no experience in this area. A law firm I really respect and worked with in the past could not take the case because they had worked with her in the past (I sent her there for troubles with her ex). They refered me to mu current attorney and I don't know much about him, but I don't know any others either. I'm having trouble getting a second opion after I tell the attorney I already have representation. They say I should listen to his advice. I don't mind running my credit cards to the limit and cashing out my retirement to get my daughter. I just don't want to squander the money and I have no good way of evaulating what I'm told. |
#6
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I am not saying you are wrong.....you just need to be able to explain
how YOU made such a poor choice. If you want to say you were naive okay. If you want to say that you were roped in by her lies, then okay. But you need to figure out the answer to the question....it will be asked. I am not criticizing you, just saying that you need to say how you made such a poor choice, and you need to admit it was a poor choice. Do I think her lifestyle is better? No. Do I think there are advantages? No. But, what you do have to deal with is that you have a VERY young child, a child of tender years as they call it. There is such a strong emotional presumption that those young children belong with their mother that it is difficult to overcome that. Also, she has a sibling in that household. I don't know what your chances are....you have an attorney and you need to do whatever that attorney advises. That attorney knows the law in your jurisdiction and knows how the courts typically view these things...that is the person you need to listen to and rely upon. Denise |
#7
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Kent Wills wrote: On 6 Sep 2005 19:12:34 -0700, wrote: I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the situation but can give more details if needed. I've never been involved in one directly, but I know a bit about them. I'll give you my opinions, but I'm not a lawyer, and these are only my *opinions.* Additionally, my opinions are based on what I know of the laws in the state of Iowa. Your state's laws may be different. My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother. The mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support Jerk! Other four-letter words have entered my mind, but I'll be kind. and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state, where they used to live when the child was born. She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months. She works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is gone. She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the sitters. Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he would not live there with her. She had been out of this for a year and a half and had returned to school. I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were together. Her brother is also here. I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've paid $2,400.00. He seems to think I have a good chance of getting custody but I wanted to hear some other opions. Listen to what your attorney tells you and follow his advice. He'll be better able to prepare you for what is about to happen than most anyone else on these groups. I have filed to legitimate my daughter and for full legal and physical custody. I love my daughter and want her with me. If her mother and I were married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and cannot trust at all and she admits this. I was always faithfull to her and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her. A logical presumption. Other comments you've made makes it clear that she still seeks attention from men. I find that of interest. She seems to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough. Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she got bored with the `normal` life. I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my girlfriend refuses. I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things. She's in the materialistic stage. There isn't anything you can do regarding the 12 year-old. She is not your child, and you will have no say in her upbringing. You can not expect to get custody of her either. I understand this, just thought I would ask. It was my girlfriend's father's idea and I told him I could not do it. I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil). In an effort to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us. The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on paxil without therapy. I'm a bit confused now. Is it the girlfriend, or the ex-girlfriend, or the ex-girlfriend's mother who is on paxil? I'm a bit surprised that one would be prescribed paxil if they scream and swear. It's fairly common for depression and anxiety, but not for violent verbal outbursts. The mother of my child is on paxil. She is my ex-girlfriend but I may have called her my girlfriend at some point. I see the word mother there and it makes no sense. Sorry for the confusion. She tells me she has very bad anxiety and that is what the paxil is for. But i have noticed her mood swings are not had bad when she is on paxil. She tells me it also makes her more calm which means we don't fight so there is no reason to scream and swear. I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town (parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she has no roots here and is ready to leave. There isn't anything you can do to stop her from leaving. I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year. She wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old, what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15? No one knows. She may get a degree herself and be making a six figure income within the next 10 to 15 years. I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working. She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test? You can not. The court can, if the judge has reason to believe she may be using. Past usage, even if admitted by the person in question, probably isn't going to be enough to get a judge to order a drug screening. She used to use crank but I'm not even sure what that is. It was years ago but she is probably smoking pot again. She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home. If so, it's only a matter of time until she gets caught. She did it for 5 years 2 to 3 times a week without getting caught. She has been pulled over before but she says they usually escort her to an exit and let her sleep it off in the car. She has more speeding tickets than I can count but I doubt that is serious enough to matter. Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did not take everything but she calls this abandonment. Did you take ALL of your clothing? That might help prove that you didn't intend to return, but I think she would have a hard time proving abandonment. Simply leaving after an argument so that both parties can cool off, even if you did take all your clothing, isn't likely to fit any legal definition of abandonment. My motorcycle is still at her place. Also my helments and some mountian bike stuff were in her closet. I left a cable modem and router but I had moved my computer earlier because she was so upset everytime I used it. It was the trust issue and she always thought I was chatting with women. I was usually working or reading the news - never chatting with anyone. I also left some clothes and jackets. The jackets are still there but I got the clothes and bike stuff the first weekened that she went back to the club. I still had a key and stayed there keeping the baby. I was headed to work on a Friday morning when she told me she was going back to the club. Told me to take the baby to a scheduled doctors appointment and then to the sitters and she left. I did the doctor appointment but the sitter was sick that day so I had to take off work and watch the baby on a moments notice so she could rush back to the strip club. Maybe she did the abandoning but I doubt either of use did from a legal standpoint. So that night I stayed in her apartment with our daughter and packed the rest of my stuff. The next night my daughter and I stayed at a hotel. I was at the hotel for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at $70-80 a night. Few could. Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be broke. The next weekend she went back again. Presuming what you write is true, and I have no reason to doubt it right now, then it's clear she isn't stripping for the money. I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and paying her rent so I'm stopping it today. I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my daughter? Not too bad, but it's not a sure thing yet. Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old? Your chances are roughly zero. She is not your daughter. Unless you adopted her, you have no legal right to seek custody. The best you might hope for is getting the actual Dad to seek custody or have the child declared a ward of the court. I don't know how great either option is. The sperm donor dad clearly doesn't care much about the child. He's not likely to want to seek custody. And while being a ward of the court would remove the child from a *possible* bad home life, it's fairly rough on the child. I don't think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and can really not do anything about it. Worrying about grand-children is a bit premature. The child is only 12. Yes, some 12 year-olds can get pregnant, but if that happens, I don't expect that either of you will need to worry about the grand-child's upbringing. There will be other issues to address. The father of my girlfriend (mother of my baby) is worried about his 12 year old granddaughter being in that environment, not about the 12 year old having a baby. sorry for the confusion What should I do? Listen to your attorney's advice above all else. How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired. Get a restraining order. One that specifies that she can not contact you in any way directly or via a third party. This alone may not stop her, but if she violates it, she's looking at some trouble. I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer at the hotel with no spell checker. Some parts were confusing, but I think I understood the gist of what you meant. Again, what I've written are just my opinions based on what I know of Iowa's custody laws. You ultimately should listen to your attorney above anything anyone writes. -- Kent When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. |
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#10
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shinypenny wrote:
wrote: I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the situation but can give more details if needed. I am not a lawyer, so take my advice for what it's worth. LOL. It's probably worth a lot more. (I mean, on a Higher Level) |
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