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2nd child concerns
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would put the babies 16 to 17 months apart. Thanks for your input. |
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"ChitaShines" wrote in message
. com... Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. I don't have a second child yet, but thought I'd put in my 2 cents. First of all, I think these are all normal worries and concerns. Everyone goes through something similar. Only you can decide if the time is right for you to expand your family. 36 is not ancient -- you may not have all the time in the world, but you could certainly wait a year or more before trying. I don't think the risk factors from 36 to 37 or even to 38 are that greatly different. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? That's up to you. It's a decision that you'll make, not something that anyone else can predict. How you treat your child is entirely up to you. Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? If you are a stay-at-home mom, it's more likely that you'll see those milestones than if you are a working mom. But just having another one to care for won't make you miss a milestone. Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? You will love them each differently, because they are different people. You may compare them, you may not. But comparing them isn't bad, it's what you do or say to them about those comparisons that could be unhealthy. For example, to say, "John is good at art, and Mary is good in math" is a comparison. To say "Why don't you do better in school like Mary" is also a comparison, but not a healthy one. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. You might. Especially when you have a newborn in the house and no one is getting much sleep. That's what the other parent is for. But I think that's pretty normal. We all have our limits, and patience comes and goes. But no one can tell you how you will feel, or how you will react to those feelings. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? She may be older than the baby, but she'll still just be 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever. As long as you allow her to be whatever age that she is, you should be fine. Just a leap here -- but were you the oldest child in your family? Did your parents do that to you? If they did, you get to break the cycle and make the decision to parent differently than they did. Again, no one can tell you how *you* are going to react to having a second child in the house. Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? You will still be as in love with #1 as you are now. You will still relish being with her. But it will all be different. I don't have #2 yet, but my #1 is almost 2 years old. She's getting into the terrible twos, and there are times when I lose my patience, or get annoyed, or expect her to know better, and I don't even have a newborn around. But that's just a normal part of parenting. And at the exact same time, she is more fun and entertaining than she's ever been. She can communicate better, she can laugh and giggle, she can "play" with us in various ways, and it seems like she learns 1000 new things every day. She's amazing, and I fall deeper in love with her every day, especially as I watch and learn more and more about her personality, and what makes her unique. I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would put the babies 16 to 17 months apart. I know you feel old and feel like you don't have any time to waste, but you probably have more time than you realize. As I said above, I don't know how drastic the change is for your risk factors from 36 to 38, but you may well be able to wait a full year or even 18 months before ttc again. If you get pregnant right away, that would make the age difference closer to 2-2.5 years, which might be a bit easier for everyone involved. Whatever you do, you will not love your first darling any less. You will just love this incredible new creature as well. Love grows and multiplies, it does not divide. -- Jamie & Taylor Earth Angel, 1/3/03 Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password: Guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password Check out our Adoption Page at http://www.geocities.com/clarkadopt2004/ |
#3
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ChitaShines wrote:
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. Your fears are exactly what I felt, to such an extent that I seriously considered only having one child. But then I got pregnant, so that wasn't to be (thankfully, in reality). A friend has 18 months between her boys, and she reassured me that you will love no. 2 just as much as no. 1. We will have about 23 months between our 2. My perspective is that DD is my first, so I will always love her for that, but this child is likely our last, so that will make it extra special too. I am worried about the patience thing - I don't handle lack of sleep well, and DD knows how to do things to irritate me. Good luck. Cathy DD 8 Jan 03 EDD 8 Dec 04 |
#4
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ChitaShines wrote:
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? If you make an effort to do so. You will *feel* as much love and affection for #1, but you will have to make time to *show* it (both parents) or sometimes #1 can get overlooked. Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? That's up to you. Probably not. Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? Being able to love both enough is rarely a problem. Some people compare and others don't. Actually, everyone compares to *some* degree (it's hard not to notice that one kid has brown eyes and the other blue). The question is whether you burden *them* with any comparisons. Whether you do or not is a choice. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. Again, that's a choice. Some people land like a ton of bricks on the older child, others baby them too much, and some manage to land in that happy middle ground. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Well, you *should* expect more from an older child. The question is whether your expectations will be reasonable. It's up to you to ensure that they *are* reasonable. Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? Sure, why not? I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would put the babies 16 to 17 months apart. In my experience, that age gap *can* work for people, but it can be a really, really tough age gap for people who are overwrought with the sorts of concerns you've expressed here. If you are looking at everything from a perspective where you fundamentally believe that you are short-changing your children and yourself by having them close together, you are at much higher risk for beating yourself up over every little thing and always feeling inadequate to the task. Some people are able to change their perspective, and others seem stuck in it. Honestly, 36 isn't *that* old. I turned 37 just after I had my third. *Personally*, in your shoes I'd wait longer. Every single *month* at that stage makes a huge difference in development. Given that you are concerned about this issue rather than leaping into it gung ho, I think you'd be better served to wait just a bit longer. A few months (or even as much as a year!) from your planned schedule isn't likely to make *that* much difference in terms of childbearing, but it could make a huge difference in terms of your experience of parenthood (which, of course, affects your parenting). Mind you, I'm not saying that close spacings are impossible or bad for kids or parents *per se*. I'm suggesting that the fact you have these concerns and would ideally wait longer suggests that in your *particular* situation, it might be worth it to consider waiting a bit longer because *for you* or your family it could be less than ideal. Best wishes, Ericka |
#5
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ChitaShines wrote:
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). Well you not a fossil yet ;-) Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? This is tricky. #1 gets as much love for sure. Mine got attention but honestly, not as much and not on demand. Sometimes he had to wait and I suddenly had another baby to feed etc. so he no longer got me at every moment. Of course, his relationship with his daddy really blossomed and it was *wonderful*. Had the baby not come that would have been delayed. I made a point of doing things with just #1. Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? This was not my experience. Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? I think comparisons are natural and OK as long as you don't burden them with the comparisons or compare in a negative way. I compare mine but more in the spirit of relishing their uniqueness and I don't do it *to* them. I love mine differently because they are different people but I love each equally and I don't love #1 any less just because I had #2. If anything there is a new dimension of love when I see them together as brothers. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. I didn't but this is a choice you can make. Be aware of it. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Sure. Just make sure your expectations are age appropriate. She is a kid too. Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? Of course! I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. All those feelings are really quite normal but why not wait 6-12 months before ttc.? You aren't under that big of a time crunch and 6-12 months can really make a big difference at this age. Mine are 24 months apart btw. -- Nikki |
#6
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"ChitaShines" wrote in message . com... Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. You're definitly not the only one.. all your concerns are very valid, but anything you think you might feel will go out the window once #2 is around anyway.. YMMV, but here's my experience for you.. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? Heck yeah! And #1 will be old enough to initiate affection and stuff. She won't let you forget about her. Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? Nope. You can't just "forget" you have another kid, kwim? Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? You'll never love any two people the same way. The same amount, yes. The same way, no. Will you have undying, unconditional love for both of them? Yep, and that's all that matters. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. I dunno about this. I wasn't blessed with mass amounts of patience to begin with. I think I have more, now that I have 4 kids than I did when I just had 1 or 2 kids. I know I have a ton more patience for my stepdaughter than I did when I had no children.. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Yes you will. And then she'll do something totally age appropriate and you'll forget that you were expecting so much out of her to begin with. (or I'm a freak of nature and this doesn't happen to everyone) Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? OMG, yes. I *love* being with #1. Especially when its just her and I. I love one on one time with all of my kids, the same amount. I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. I've had all 4 of my children very close in age. I've loved each and every one of them. I don't feel cheated out of spending time with them or anything just because I had other kids to tend to. If anything, having more kids has made me more grateful for the one on one time I have with each kid. Good luck, whichever way you decide. Denise |
#7
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ChitaShines wrote in message . com... Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? Yes! Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? Only as much as you miss out on #2's milestones because you're busy with #1. Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? No you'll love them in different ways because they're different. I love #1 for her phrases, her desire to help and the way she looks after #2 as well as many other ways. I love #2 for her activeness, the way she grins when she's e10mp1tied the wipes 0packet...etc (and adds numbers when I'm typing) I do compare, like #1 was just crawling now, whereas #2 has just taken her first step. #1 slept through the night at 8 weeks, #2.. well never mind!!! #2 has bigger feet...#1 had darker hair... doesn't mean I love one more. It's just interesting seeing how different they are. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. Well, I do find that I'm more tired which gives me less patience. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Well she will do. With age she'll get benefits (more pocket money, later bedtime...etc.) but with the benefits she gets responsibilites. If #2 screams because she's cross, doesn't mean that #1 should scream because she can tell me what she wants. Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? Yes. You will have less time for her, but it's good for them to discover that they have to share. One of the things I love is seeing them sharing a toy, or a game. It's helped her with her other friendships too. She does get time on her own most days. I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. As she gets older she may want to sit on your lap less but play more. It was the pregnancy that I found hard to keep my attention on her. Once #2 was born she could be "mummy's helper" and she likes to tell people that she's a big sister. I wouldn't not try for #2 on th basis of #1. they may relish having a baby around, and my personal opinion is that they miss out if they don't have any siblings. Also looking a long way in the future, if you only have one child that leaves all the responsibility for looking after you in your old age on one child. I know from my parents that that time was hard, but made easier by having people to share decisions with. Debbie |
#8
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Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?
That's up to you. If you make the effort you can. Babies nap an awful lot, that's when #1 can get a lot of attention. Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? See the answer above. Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? You will love them both, but they *are* differrent people, each with things you like and dislike about them. I think you will compare them cos it's only natural. Whether you make it negative, is up to you. Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. Depends on you. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? I don't. #1 is only 16 months older than #2. She's not much older, not old enough to know better or be responsible for #2 (or #3 or #4 for that matter IMO). Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? #2 is not replacing #1, you're adding to what you've already got. I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would put the babies 16 to 17 months apart. Thanks for your input. It'll be hard, I won't lie. But to see the 2 of them interact and love each other is the best. I don't understand why people are so worried about having a 2nd. Why wouldn't you love it like you love #1? I think this goes under "thinking way too hard". Good luck. -- Sophie mom of 4 |
#9
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I have a daughter who is 18 weeks old and I am 9 weeks pregnant with number
2 (a very much wanted accident!!) we were going to have them close because of my age (Im 38) but perhaps not this close, it is a scary thought having two so close in age, But the way I look at it is my daughter will certainly get attention as she will be more capable of making her needs known, and I know that I will certainly love the new baby just as much as my gorgeous little girl, comparisons are a natural thing to do but they don't have to be unfavourable. A babys needs are relatively simple feed, change sleep and cuddles, which will I hope leave me plenty of time to play with my daughter. One thing I have found so far, when expecting my daughter I could tell everyone exactly how many weeks I was, how big it was when it was due etc, I was totally obsessed with the pregnancy and it seemed to go on for ever, this time I had to look in my diary to see exactly how many weeks I was because I have Madeline to think about. I don't know if its my imagination but I don't feel so sick or tired this time again maybe because I have to think of someone else's needs not just myself. good luck in what ever you decide, in the meantime enjoy your little one I am :-) Helen "ChitaShines" wrote in message . com... Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this way. Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here? Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2? Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them? Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers. Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to "know better" because she's older? Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in love" with her after #2 as I am now? I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a new baby. If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would put the babies 16 to 17 months apart. Thanks for your input. |
#10
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In my experience, that age gap *can* work for people, but it can be a really, really tough age gap for people who are overwrought with the sorts of concerns you've expressed here. If you are looking at everything from a perspective where you fundamentally believe that you are short-changing your children and yourself by having them close together, you are at much higher risk for beating yourself up over every little thing and always feeling inadequate to the task. Some people are able to change their perspective, and others seem stuck in it. Honestly, 36 isn't *that* old. I turned 37 just after I had my third. *Personally*, in your shoes I'd wait longer. Every single *month* at that stage makes a huge difference in development. Given that you are concerned about this issue rather than leaping into it gung ho, I think you'd be better served to wait just a bit longer. A few months (or even as much as a year!) from your planned schedule isn't likely to make *that* much difference in terms of childbearing, but it could make a huge difference in terms of your experience of parenthood (which, of course, affects your parenting). Mind you, I'm not saying that close spacings are impossible or bad for kids or parents *per se*. I'm suggesting that the fact you have these concerns and would ideally wait longer suggests that in your *particular* situation, it might be worth it to consider waiting a bit longer because *for you* or your family it could be less than ideal. wow, I would really like to hear you say that out loud, I'm curious as to how you would emphasize the starred words, regarding what you say, I'd have to say to the original poster that I totally agree, I know as I parent I am totally different to how I was when ds was 5 months, and to be honest I'd hate to be heavily pregnant right now, ds is 15 months, so similar to what you are hoping for |
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