Disagreement about third child

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another. She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try, but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you and take care.

ST

Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases. I think you have to have both
parents on board to choose to have a child, but it's really
tough to want a child desperately and have to give up that
dream because your partner doesn't want to have another.
Our third was conceived when our first two were about the
same ages yours are now, and it was great for us--but both
of us were on board with having a third.
I don't know that there's anything else for you
to do but talk to each other and try to understand where
each of you is coming from and look for some course of
action you can both live with. Unfortunately, there
isn't much available in the way of compromise--you'll
either have another child or you won't--so you just have
to work things out with as much love and respect as you
can, and hope it's enough.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about this.

In article .com, lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time. The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what 'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like this.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article .com,
lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old
daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting
another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the
ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I
worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about
this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this
issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple
communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning
behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very
often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time.
The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to
justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what
'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and
dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is
considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two
kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two
partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams
regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with
not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the
problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like
this.

Banty

That all makes a lot of sense. I was reacting to the 'marriage
breaker' comment and made a blunt assessment without any assumptions
about the way they communicate or other marriage dynamics. Obviously,
the issue has to be worked through.
If a marriage fails over the issue of 2 children vs. 3 then there was
something wrong to start with.

lenny fackler wrote:

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.


When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.

Of course, because it's not ethical to force the other
parent into parenting another child. However, there are
certainly women (and men) who have felt such a strong desire
for another child that they were unable to continue in a
marriage where that could not happen. One hopes such decisions
are made only after a best faith effort on both sides, and
counseling, and so forth, but if after all that, the bottom
line is that the desire for another child is paramount, it's
likely to spell the end of the marriage.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
lenny fackler wrote:

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.


When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another
child
clearly has the upper hand.

Of course, because it's not ethical to force the other
parent into parenting another child. However, there are
certainly women (and men) who have felt such a strong desire
for another child that they were unable to continue in a
marriage where that could not happen. One hopes such decisions
are made only after a best faith effort on both sides, and
counseling, and so forth, but if after all that, the bottom
line is that the desire for another child is paramount, it's
likely to spell the end of the marriage.


Maybe so, but if one person wants an additional child so badly that
they would cause, or accept, or simply allow the destruction of their
family, it would almost seem to me indicative of a mental illness or at
least some serious underlying issues that having more kids isn't going
to solve.

lenny fackler wrote:

Maybe so, but if one person wants an additional child so badly that
they would cause, or accept, or simply allow the destruction of their
family, it would almost seem to me indicative of a mental illness or at
least some serious underlying issues that having more kids isn't going
to solve.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Your statement
is predicated upon certain values assumptions which not everyone
might share. Also, the decision about having more kids tends to
involve more than just the presence or absence of a child. It's
also about family values and lifestyle and so forth. The person
who very much wants another child likely has different ideas about
those other things all wrapped up in the decision as well.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"lenny fackler" wrote in message
ups.com...
Maybe so, but if one person wants an additional child so badly that
they would cause, or accept, or simply allow the destruction of their
family, it would almost seem to me indicative of a mental illness or at
least some serious underlying issues that having more kids isn't going
to solve.

Would you say the same if the couple were childless and one wanted one or
more children while the other didn't? The desire to have more children than
one currently has isn't more or less valid because one either does or does
not have a particular number of them at present.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

lenny fackler wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

lenny fackler wrote:


Ericka Kammerer wrote:

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.


When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another

child

clearly has the upper hand.

Of course, because it's not ethical to force the other
parent into parenting another child. However, there are
certainly women (and men) who have felt such a strong desire
for another child that they were unable to continue in a
marriage where that could not happen. One hopes such decisions
are made only after a best faith effort on both sides, and
counseling, and so forth, but if after all that, the bottom
line is that the desire for another child is paramount, it's
likely to spell the end of the marriage.



Maybe so, but if one person wants an additional child so badly that
they would cause, or accept, or simply allow the destruction of their
family, it would almost seem to me indicative of a mental illness or at
least some serious underlying issues that having more kids isn't going
to solve.


You're saying that if someone accepts that they will not have another
child they have some serious underlying issues? I think acceptance (not
resignation) is a good thing.

Mary Ann