Confused and mad

Confused_Dad wrote:
SpiderHam77,
Again I don't think I quite worded the Adoption part well. My
daughters name was legally changed to her stepfathers but he did not
adopt her (they like using me as a bank). To me this is just an
alternative way of adopting her without giving up the child support. I
did fight it, Cost me a bundle too, but the courts sided with her
mother and her name got changed.

Okay this is still confusing me a little bit... I would be curious as
to the reason as to why the judge allowed for the name change.
Especially if you were contesting it. If she has Soul Custody and
Gaurdianship then maybe I could see the judge siding with her on the
basis that she is making a choice to unify her new family.

But still, I know up here in Canada, a few friends of mine had
similar situations. They're ex getting re-married and wanted to change
the name of the child to match the new marriage.

One of my friends took this to court and argued that this created
more confusion in the child, and would start to dissilution who his
real father was. As the child was only 4, he offered up the choice
that when the child reaches the age of 10, if the boy decided he wanted
to hold the same name as his Step-Father he would not contest...

The boy is now 8... and living with him because the mom died a car
accident a couple of years later. But I remember the argument, and
like it because it puts the childs needs upfront and formost, and the
parents wants in the back seat.

The main issue I am encountering with the visitation is that I live in
North Carolina and she lives in South Dakota (over 1500 miles away).
This means I maybe get to see my daughter twice in a year (three days
over Christmas) and some time in the summer. The summer issues is what
is getting to me right now. My daughter doesn't want to spend as much
time down here as she had the past two years (1 month). I can see this
visitation dwindling more every year until she won't want to come at
all. I could go on about my side of this but the sum total of it is
that she is now so much like her mother that I am inevitably doomed.
I do thank you for your post though.
regards,
Confused and simmered but still Mad Dad.

See now if I were in your situation, I would try a new approach.
Instead of forcing her to come out to you.. Why not you go there. Get
a hotel for a few days.. fly into town... Maybe even offer up a trip
somewhere..

Like decide you want to take her to Orlando for a couple of days, buy
her a ticket there from where she is.. you do the same.. and meet
there. Might be a good way to kinda meet in the middle. Somewhere she
maybe wants to go instead feeling obligated to go to South Dakota. not
say it's not a nice place... Just think about it from a Teens point of
view...

SpiderHam77

"SpiderHam77" wrote
.....................................

Okay this is still confusing me a little bit... I would be curious as
to the reason as to why the judge allowed for the name change.
Especially if you were contesting it.
===
In the US, anyone can change their name to anything they wish as long as
there is not
bad intent (to cover a criminal act, theft by deception, etc). There was no
way he was
going to win that one. I'd like to know who advised him to fight it.
===
If she has Soul Custody and
===
"Soul custody"--that's interesting. How does that work? If a parent has
custody of a child's
soul do they have to give it back when they turn 18?
===
===

SpiderHam77 wrote:

Confused_Dad wrote:

SpiderHam77,
Again I don't think I quite worded the Adoption part well. My
daughters name was legally changed to her stepfathers but he did not
adopt her (they like using me as a bank). To me this is just an
alternative way of adopting her without giving up the child support. I
did fight it, Cost me a bundle too, but the courts sided with her
mother and her name got changed.


Okay this is still confusing me a little bit... I would be curious as
to the reason as to why the judge allowed for the name change.
Especially if you were contesting it. If she has Soul Custody

Ye Gods, they award that now? As if mothers didn't have ENOUGH handed
to them by the "family" courts...

- Ron ^*^

On Fri, 10 Feb 2006 18:43:57 GMT, "Gini" wrote:


"SpiderHam77" wrote
....................................

Okay this is still confusing me a little bit... I would be curious as
to the reason as to why the judge allowed for the name change.
Especially if you were contesting it.
===
In the US, anyone can change their name to anything they wish as long as
there is not
bad intent (to cover a criminal act, theft by deception, etc). There was no
way he was
going to win that one. I'd like to know who advised him to fight it.

I changed my eldest son's last name from my maiden name to my married
name when I was pregnant with my next child. The reason, I felt, was
to ensure my eldest did not feel like an outsider with a different
last name than the rest of the family. Despite the fact that he did
not have his father's name, the probate court had a requirement that
the biological father consent to the name change (or consent by way of
not disputing, which was the case). I'm not sure what would have
happened if his biological father disputed the change, but then, I
couldn't see why he would force my son to keep my maiden name. For
the record, I never asked the biological father for anything as he
preferred I get an abortion. I'm sure he was confused when his
consent was sought.

At any rate, the judge felt that my reasons were in the best interest
of my son and, even when the non-custodial parent's name is the
child's last name, sometimes it is difficult to know what is in the
best interests of a child when it comes to their last name. Should
they hang on to heritage at the risk of being a slightly different
colored sheep in their (main) home environment? I don't have the
answer to this. My sons, both those with their father's last name and
the eldest with my ex's last name don't seem to care that my and my
current husband's name is different. But then, we didn't have any
more children.

===
If she has Soul Custody and
===
"Soul custody"--that's interesting. How does that work? If a parent has
custody of a child's
soul do they have to give it back when they turn 18?
===
===


Beverly

Beverly wrote:

I changed my eldest son's last name from my maiden name to my married
name when I was pregnant with my next child. The reason, I felt, was
to ensure my eldest did not feel like an outsider with a different
last name than the rest of the family. Despite the fact that he did
not have his father's name, the probate court had a requirement that
the biological father consent to the name change (or consent by way of
not disputing, which was the case). I'm not sure what would have
happened if his biological father disputed the change, but then, I
couldn't see why he would force my son to keep my maiden name. For
the record, I never asked the biological father for anything as he
preferred I get an abortion. I'm sure he was confused when his
consent was sought.

Well I'm glad to hear there wasn't any issue on the name change from
the EX... or the fact he wasn't consulted. But how old was your Son
when you did it... I mean if your Son had has your Ex's last name, and
was 6-7, and involved with is child... and you decided you were getting
re-married.. should the child still be expected to change his last name
to...

To me the largest factor in such an act has to be the the age,
relationship with the NCP, most of the time father. I mean I'm a
Single Father, if my son is 6, if he were to go live with my Ex again,
and she decided to remarry and change her name. I would be all over
not changing my Son's last name..

In someways, there is alot in a name. And the problem is most
children will believe what you tell them. If you tell them that it's
better that they change they're name... because you are Mommy, they
will go along with it. Most children don't posess the understanding
that there are other reasons like Family Unity, or your trying to
forget the past... just that you think it's best.

And as a result they start to think as this new man as Daddy, because
they have the same name now... and would become confused why old daddy
has a different last name then them.

Now if the child is like 2 years of age.. they wouldn't understand it
anyways... And if the Bio-Dad has no quams, then sure , why not... It
would help create a stable environment for the child...

But I think as adults we look to far at our own interests, and trying
to harmonize things in our lives, that we don't really take into acount
the feelings of the child. Kinda like the idea that if you start to
bad mouth your ex all the time because of things they did to you...
They start to form an opinion of the person based on that.

The man maybe an excellent father. Just because you don't like them
anymore.. or they may of cheated on you.. or whatever the reasons for
your dislikes, that truely should never be expressed to the child.

As a father one of the things that I personally feels bonds me to my
Son is the fact that he carries my last name. May sound dumb. But for
the fathers of the world I think it instils a little more pride in
being a dad. Maybe as a woman you don't think of it as much. But to
me, one of my crowning acheivements in my life is my Son...

Again if someone were to tell me, oh ya by the way, you have a great
relationship with your son, but I'm going to remarry someone, and start
a new family, therefore he needs to have his name changed to fit in
with any potential children.... I would have a fit.

Personally I'm glad the courts required you to seek the ok from the
Bio-Dad. You may not want anything to do with him.. but he is still
the father wether you like it or not...

SpiderHam77

"SpiderHam77" wrote in message
ups.com...

Beverly wrote:

I changed my eldest son's last name from my maiden name to my married
name when I was pregnant with my next child. The reason, I felt, was
to ensure my eldest did not feel like an outsider with a different
last name than the rest of the family. Despite the fact that he did
not have his father's name, the probate court had a requirement that
the biological father consent to the name change (or consent by way of
not disputing, which was the case). I'm not sure what would have
happened if his biological father disputed the change, but then, I
couldn't see why he would force my son to keep my maiden name. For
the record, I never asked the biological father for anything as he
preferred I get an abortion. I'm sure he was confused when his
consent was sought.

Well I'm glad to hear there wasn't any issue on the name change from
the EX... or the fact he wasn't consulted. But how old was your Son
when you did it... I mean if your Son had has your Ex's last name, and
was 6-7, and involved with is child... and you decided you were getting
re-married.. should the child still be expected to change his last name
to...

To me the largest factor in such an act has to be the the age,
relationship with the NCP, most of the time father. I mean I'm a
Single Father, if my son is 6, if he were to go live with my Ex again,
and she decided to remarry and change her name. I would be all over
not changing my Son's last name..

In someways, there is alot in a name. And the problem is most
children will believe what you tell them. If you tell them that it's
better that they change they're name... because you are Mommy, they
will go along with it. Most children don't posess the understanding
that there are other reasons like Family Unity, or your trying to
forget the past... just that you think it's best.

And as a result they start to think as this new man as Daddy, because
they have the same name now... and would become confused why old daddy
has a different last name then them.

Now if the child is like 2 years of age.. they wouldn't understand it
anyways... And if the Bio-Dad has no quams, then sure , why not... It
would help create a stable environment for the child...

But I think as adults we look to far at our own interests, and trying
to harmonize things in our lives, that we don't really take into acount
the feelings of the child. Kinda like the idea that if you start to
bad mouth your ex all the time because of things they did to you...
They start to form an opinion of the person based on that.

The man maybe an excellent father. Just because you don't like them
anymore.. or they may of cheated on you.. or whatever the reasons for
your dislikes, that truely should never be expressed to the child.

As a father one of the things that I personally feels bonds me to my
Son is the fact that he carries my last name. May sound dumb. But for
the fathers of the world I think it instils a little more pride in
being a dad. Maybe as a woman you don't think of it as much. But to
me, one of my crowning acheivements in my life is my Son...

Again if someone were to tell me, oh ya by the way, you have a great
relationship with your son, but I'm going to remarry someone, and start
a new family, therefore he needs to have his name changed to fit in
with any potential children.... I would have a fit.

Personally I'm glad the courts required you to seek the ok from the
Bio-Dad. You may not want anything to do with him.. but he is still
the father wether you like it or not...

Come on Spidey. Pay attention! The child did not have his bio dad's last
name--he had his *mom's maiden name*. The bio dad was in no way involved in
the child's life! Do you think the bio dad should have been given the right
to decide that the child should keep *mom's maiden name*?

Ok guys, this issue depends on your state entirely. Unmarried fathers
are usually screwed on this and fathers who were married to the mother
when the child was born usually have to give their consent.