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#1
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts? I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk. We didn't have major issues (no bleeding nipples, no latch problems) learning to BF, but it *was* hard work at first, esp with DD's oral aversion initially (tho bottle feeding was equally as hard). It took a lot of effort and commitment, as well as regular pumping from day one while DD was in NICU. Yeah, it would have been far easier for me to just supplement from the start so I didn't have to pump all the time, but I chose not to. I didn't want to risk a dip in supply due to supplementing. I realize not everyone experiences that, but I can't tell you *how* often I've heard/read this - supplement because their milk 'didn't come in at first', supplement more because they have low supply, go to formula FT because their 'milk dried up.' But apparently I had it easy.... I don't care what others choose to do, if it works for them, great. But why try to dismiss MY efforts? Ok, just needed to get that off my chest. Honestly I try not to say much because if I do, I become the Breastfeeding Nazi. |
#2
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
cjra wrote: so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least dismiss my efforts? . At the risk of sounding like a breastfeeding Nazi, it bugs the hell out of me when women say, oh I *couldn't* breastfeed. There are not very many reasons why you *can't*. But almost everyone in my small town seems to not be able to. One lady told me that her milk always dried up by the time the baby was 4 days old. I pointed out to her that your milk usually doesn't come *in* until the 3rd or 4th day, and if you nurse consistently, it wouldn't dry up. Another lady says she was on too much medication, and doctors were surprised that she tried. Now that, I could see. It seems around here like women expect breastfeeding their babies will be just as easy as giving a bottle, no hassle, no worry, all natural and sweet, and when it isn't, they don't persevere. They just say they can't. I just want to say, come on! Just try it for a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh* Stasya |
#3
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
cjra wrote: so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least dismiss my efforts? I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk. You worked very hard to get breastfeeding going well. It makes sense that this would bug you. I think that the reason other mothers say things like this is not to bother you, but becasuse they feel bad about their own breastfeeding difficulties and that they did not manage to persevere. If they believe that they gave up in the same situation where others continued, they feel worse about themselves. They have a strong emotional need to believe that their breastfeeding situation was a more difficult than that of women who continued to breastfeed. Once I began to think about it this way, it became easier for me to listen to these comments and sympathize with the mothers making them. --Betsy |
#4
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
betsy wrote: cjra wrote: so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least dismiss my efforts? I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk. You worked very hard to get breastfeeding going well. It makes sense that this would bug you. I think that the reason other mothers say things like this is not to bother you, but becasuse they feel bad about their own breastfeeding difficulties and that they did not manage to persevere. If they believe that they gave up in the same situation where others continued, they feel worse about themselves. They have a strong emotional need to believe that their breastfeeding situation was a more difficult than that of women who continued to breastfeed. You're right. I'm sure that's the case. I have respect for someone who chooses not to BF, for whatever reason - it's their reason and that's fine, or who just decides after trying it's too hard, and can just state that. Once I began to think about it this way, it became easier for me to listen to these comments and sympathize with the mothers making them. Thanks for putting it that way. It'll help me respond was less annoyance. --Betsy |
#5
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
stasya wrote: cjra wrote: so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least dismiss my efforts? . At the risk of sounding like a breastfeeding Nazi, it bugs the hell out of me when women say, oh I *couldn't* breastfeed. There are not very many reasons why you *can't*. But almost everyone in my small town seems to not be able to. One lady told me that her milk always dried up by the time the baby was 4 days old. I pointed out to her that your milk usually doesn't come *in* until the 3rd or 4th day, and if you nurse consistently, it wouldn't dry up. Another lady says she was on too much medication, and doctors were surprised that she tried. Now that, I could see. It seems around here like women expect breastfeeding their babies will be just as easy as giving a bottle, no hassle, no worry, all natural and sweet, and when it isn't, they don't persevere. They just say they can't. I just want to say, come on! Just try it for a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh* This is why it's hard not to say something, but I'm pretty careful about it. If it's someone who isn' thaving any more kids (eg, one of my sisters, who had a surprise pg at 40, she tried and struggled and gave up and I fully support that decision, though my other sister harrassed her about it), there's no point in saying more, really. But if it's someone who has expressed what seems to be a genuine desire to BF, but says they tried and couldn't, and is likely to have another child, I am tempted to offer some suggestions because I hate to see them convince themselves they can't and not bother trying again. I know how 'helpful advice' is taken, though, and I can imagine that any suggestions would feel like a judgement on their choice or make them feel bad, so I don't bother 99% of the time unless asked. These sorts of comments I described, though, are a little harder, because i feel like I need to say something.... |
#6
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
cjra wrote: I know how 'helpful advice' is taken, though, and I can imagine that any suggestions would feel like a judgement on their choice or make them feel bad, so I don't bother 99% of the time unless asked. These sorts of comments I described, though, are a little harder, because i feel like I need to say something.... I would probably say, It wasn't as easy as you think, trust me! I read somewhere that there are so many books that deal with pregnancy and giving birth, and how hard it is, and how to manage it, but when it comes to those first weeks of breastfeeding, they leave you hanging. And don't mention how difficult it can be. I nursed through cracked nipples with all 3 kids, and had mastitis with all 3. It's kind of like, you *have* to deal with the discomforts of pregnancy and childbirth. You really have no choice, one way or another there will be times when you toss up your hands and say, I wish I weren't pregnant, or I'll be happy when this baby's out. But when you have the discomforts of breastfeeding, it's so easy for mothers to say, I choose not to have this discomfort. I don't like it, I don't *have* to deal with it. I think that if people choose to throw it in your face that you 'had it easy', you may feel free to disillusion them. No, as a matter of fact, it wasn't easy. I had (fill in the blanks here, mastitis, latching problems, etc), but hey, at least I didn't have to (make bottles, or whatever...) And good for you for breastfeeding! I was proud of myself for nursing my last baby for 10 and a half months. (The first one was until 8 and a half, and the second was 6 months) Stasya |
#7
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
On Jan 23, 2:11 pm, "stasya" wrote: a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh* I had trouble, right at first. There were times that I came close to quitting. I had cracked nipples, and it was VERY paintful. Things started to get better when my milk came in, and better satisfied my daughter's hunger, and I could go a little longer between feeds, and that gave my nipples time to heal. Plus, my daughter and I just couldn't seem to get the latch right - and it would take us try after try with both of us getting frustrated. Those first two weeks were really tough, but after that it started getting better. By about six weeks, we'd gotten the hang of it such that it was actually easy. All this, and I am an unabashed breastfeeding Nazi. If there had been a bottle and/or formula in the house, I likely would have used it! Cathy Weeks |
#8
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
But if it's
someone who has expressed what seems to be a genuine desire to BF, but says they tried and couldn't, and is likely to have another child, I am tempted to offer some suggestions because I hate to see them convince themselves they can't and not bother trying again. absolutely, you'd almost being doing the hypothetical future baby by not saying something, but there are ways of saying something, you could ask something like "did you see a lactation consultant" (or call la leche league, or whatever you feel best). Mostly the response will be no, if it's then combined with something about either their pediatrician or obsetrician, you could say something about them not having as much training in this area, then for everyone, tell them how helpful a lactation consultant can be and if possible recommend one. If possible grab a bunch of their cards and then look up the local la leche league helpline number and write it on the back (in the UK there is a national number on the front page of the website, here you seem to have to dig through to the info for your state to get a helpline number). Cheers Anne |
#9
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
On Jan 23, 5:06 pm, "Cathy Weeks" wrote: On Jan 23, 2:11 pm, "stasya" wrote: a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*I had trouble, right at first. There were times that I came close to quitting. I had cracked nipples, and it was VERY paintful. Things started to get better when my milk came in, and better satisfied my daughter's hunger, and I could go a little longer between feeds, and that gave my nipples time to heal. Plus, my daughter and I just couldn't seem to get the latch right - and it would take us try after try with both of us getting frustrated. Those first two weeks were really tough, but after that it started getting better. By about six weeks, we'd gotten the hang of it such that it was actually easy. All this, and I am an unabashed breastfeeding Nazi. If there had been a bottle and/or formula in the house, I likely would have used it! We had formula on hand - tons of free samples between the hospital and just getting them in the mail, I wanted to give them away but DH insisted we keep them 'just in case.' We didn't initially have bottles, but when we brought DD home from the hospital we brought some hospital bottles with us, because she still wasn't feeding well. That first night home (she was 17 days old) I gave her a bit of EBM via bottle because I was feeling desperate, but for some reason I never thought to bother with formula. I suppose I may have if I hadn't already had plenty of EBM in the freezer. I totally forgot about the formula. |
#10
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I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....
In article .com,
"cjra" wrote: so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least dismiss my efforts? I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk. How about saying, "Well, I DID have problems, as a matter of fact, including blah blah blah. But I had good advice from whoever you recommend." -- Chookie -- Sydney, Australia (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply) "Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled." Kerry Cue |
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