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#1
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My son's friend
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. -- Shelley mom to 2 boys (6 and 3) |
#2
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My son's friend
"Shelley" wrote in message ... Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. -- Shelley mom to 2 boys (6 and 3) Your son is going to spend his entire life having to associate with people he doesn't much care for. He may as well learn his lessons about civility and respect now. Whether he likes the boy or not, he will have to associate with him on one level or another. He doesn't have to play with the boy or invite him home, but he does have to show him respect and cooperation. You should talk with your son, hope he absorbs what you tell him and handles himself in a responsible manner at school. Good luck and best wishes. |
#3
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My son's friend
Shelley wrote:
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. -- Shelley mom to 2 boys (6 and 3) Personally I'd try talking to C's parents first. Ask them about their son, tell them about your sons issues regarding getting into trouble,... If he has Aspergers it's very likely that the parents will have some suggestions on how do deal with problems. You could also set up playdates where one parent of each child is present (visit the playground together,...) so you can both watch your kids interact and maybe that way get a better feel for what's not working? My son has some issues and there's one child in his class who frequently complains about Sam at home. Sam likes this boy so I'm quite sure he's not torturing the kid at school or anything. It's just that this other boy is very sensitive and doesn't like playing in the same way as my son does. I mean boys will be boys, they will run and yell and have playfights where they don't _hurt_ each other but do get physical to some extent. I was very happy when Sam wanted to invite this boy for his birthday and very sad when the boy called our house two days before the party telling me he would not come because "Sam was being mean to him at school all the time. And you don't treat a honored guest this way." the speech he delivered sounded very much like it was practiced with mom and I don't care for that kind of involvement of parents. I don't think many do. Well, I talked to their teacher the next day asking about those fights and the harassment that my son was subjecting this kid to and there was nothing. The teacher has not seen anything of the kind happen, neither have the people watching the kids play at recess. So, I have no clue about that's really going on. I've considered talking to the mom but since she seems more interested in talking about than in talking with me I guess I won't bother. So my advice is: don't talk about, talk with and try to work something out. They don't have to become best friends, but setting up playdates might make it easier for both kids to realize that they don't play well together and that there might be better friends out there with whom they do play together well. cu nicole |
#4
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My son's friend
"Shelley" wrote in message ... I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. I don't think your DS should have to play with the child all the time if he doesn't want to, but it would be nice if he spent just a little time if the child wasn't really being mean or anything. DD had a friend at school who she started hitting and pinching because he was following her around and she didn't want to play with him. I told her she could just tell him she'll play with him later and then follow up with a tiny bit of playtime later. She came home the next day and told me the kid liked it when she told him that and it worked out. This is actually what they teach the kids in preschool, except the teachers were telling DD to tell the child she didn't want to play right now, which didn't come across as well as "I'll play with you later." |
#5
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My son's friend
"NL" wrote in message
... Shelley wrote: Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. -- Shelley mom to 2 boys (6 and 3) Personally I'd try talking to C's parents first. Ask them about their son, tell them about your sons issues regarding getting into trouble,... If he has Aspergers it's very likely that the parents will have some suggestions on how do deal with problems. You could also set up playdates where one parent of each child is present (visit the playground together,...) so you can both watch your kids interact and maybe that way get a better feel for what's not working? My son has some issues and there's one child in his class who frequently complains about Sam at home. Sam likes this boy so I'm quite sure he's not torturing the kid at school or anything. It's just that this other boy is very sensitive and doesn't like playing in the same way as my son does. I mean boys will be boys, they will run and yell and have playfights where they don't _hurt_ each other but do get physical to some extent. I was very happy when Sam wanted to invite this boy for his birthday and very sad when the boy called our house two days before the party telling me he would not come because "Sam was being mean to him at school all the time. And you don't treat a honored guest this way." the speech he delivered sounded very much like it was practiced with mom and I don't care for that kind of involvement of parents. I don't think many do. Well, I talked to their teacher the next day asking about those fights and the harassment that my son was subjecting this kid to and there was nothing. The teacher has not seen anything of the kind happen, neither have the people watching the kids play at recess. So, I have no clue about that's really going on. I've considered talking to the mom but since she seems more interested in talking about than in talking with me I guess I won't bother. So my advice is: don't talk about, talk with and try to work something out. They don't have to become best friends, but setting up playdates might make it easier for both kids to realize that they don't play well together and that there might be better friends out there with whom they do play together well. The feeling I'm getting from my son J is that he doesn't hate C and wouldn't mind playing with him some of the time but sometimes would like to do his own thing with his other friends too. I'm not sure about talking with C's mother either as she seems to have some of her own issues (father is not in the picture and they live with the grandpartents) They have had some playdates as they live right down the road from my mother (J's after school caregiver). I think they get along OK but are not best buddies. Thanks for your thoughts. Shelley cu nicole |
#6
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My son's friend
"Shelley" wrote in message ... Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own friendships, or non-friendships. The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in charge of the classroom. |
#7
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My son's friend
"dejablues" wrote in message ... Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own friendships, or non-friendships. The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in charge of the classroom. I think you're being harsh. Kids need to figure things out, but they could use guidance. Teachers should send notes home when things get out of hand. Otherwise, how would the parent know when things are not good? |
#8
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My son's friend
Shelley wrote:
[...] My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. Although I don't think there's any very easy answer to this, I do think it might well be worth having a gentle word with the teacher to see whether s/he can help C with his social issues and maybe steer him towards some other friends, or at least help reinforce the message that you don't spend all your time hanging around someone who would prefer not to have you there. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#9
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My son's friend
dejablues wrote:
"Shelley" wrote in message ... Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could get some opinions. My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class. My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I believe. I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with their teacher. Thanks for listening. Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own friendships, or non-friendships. The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in charge of the classroom. I think that's a bit much when you're talking about a 7yo dealing with a kid with Asperger's (if that's in fact the case). It is challenging for many adults to deal with this situation, and it's not surprising if a 7yo needs some help. In an ideal world, the teacher would be on top of everything all the time, but teachers are not all-seeing and all-knowing and the teacher may be challenged to deal with this situation as well, and may not have all the information (e.g., might be seeing the trouble in the aftermath, but missing the precipitating event). I don't think it's at all unreasonable to talk to the teacher to help get some strategies in place to deal with this situation effectively and kindly. I would expect a 7yo to be able to tell someone he didn't want to play with him right now, but clearly that is not working. Figuring out how to get through to someone with a social challenge like Asperger's that you don't want to play with him right now without being cruel or precipitating an event is more than I would expect out of the average 7yo boy. Best wishes, Ericka |
#10
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My son's friend
On Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:35:24 -0300, "Shelley"
wrote: The feeling I'm getting from my son J is that he doesn't hate C and wouldn't mind playing with him some of the time but sometimes would like to do his own thing with his other friends too. I'm not sure about talking with C's mother either as she seems to have some of her own issues (father is not in the picture and they live with the grandpartents) If the boy has asperger's, he is not *getting* the social cues and does not really understand what he is doing wrong. It might be productive to get this book for you son. Talk with his parents first though because he may not have a dx. http://www.amazon.com/My-Friend-Auti.../dp/1885477899 They have had some playdates as they live right down the road from my mother (J's after school caregiver). I think they get along OK but are not best buddies. Thanks for your thoughts. Shelley -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits |
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