Adjustment Problems...please help

Madison has been having a difficult time with me going back to work and I don't
know how to help her to deal with it better. She has tantrums constantly over
every little thing. If I tell her to get dressed she falls on the floor and has
a tantrum. Trying to get her to clean up her toys is a total nightmare. She's
always been prone to tantrums, but had gotten much better before I started
work. Ever since then it's been a total nightmare with the tantrums.

I try to spend as much time with the girls when I'm not working, but I am away
from them for around 9 hours each day, due to work. When I am home, a good
chunk of the time before they go to bed is spent doing things that have to be
done, such as getting them ready for bed, fixing dinner, cleaning up, etc. I
keep trying to reassure her that she is very loved and that I miss her when I'm
at work. Tonight she told me "I know that already."

I would love suggestions on how to help her. I feel so helpless because I know
she's having a hard time right now, but I don't know what to do for her. Their
school starts tomorrow and I'm hoping she will have more fun at school than
she's been having going to day care all day. I hope it will be a positive
change for them. The girls visited their new school with dh today and seemed to
like it. I've gotten permission from my boss to go into work a little late
tomorrow so that I can take them on their first day. I'm much more nervous
about it than they are.

TIA,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
4 yrs. old

"Andrea" wrote in message
...
Madison has been having a difficult time with me going back to work and I
don't
know how to help her to deal with it better. She has tantrums constantly
over
every little thing. If I tell her to get dressed she falls on the floor
and has
a tantrum. Trying to get her to clean up her toys is a total nightmare.
She's
always been prone to tantrums, but had gotten much better before I started
work. Ever since then it's been a total nightmare with the tantrums.

Shirley mentioned this already, but 4 is a very trying age. :-O If you
can, check out "Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful" by Ames and Ilg.
Knowing that what my kids were going through was normal made getting past
the stage easier for me!

My 3 older kids had tough times at age 4, while my youngest was an angel
until she turned 5 1/2, and then she has had a number of months since (she's
now 6) when she resorts to tantrums again...this from a kid who had never
had a tantrum before. There seems to be an age at which all kids want to
feel their oats, IYKWIM.

The Ames and Ilg books cover the concept of equilibrium and disequilibrium
in children's behavior, and I've certainly found that my children go up and
down within each year of age in how they react to the world. Months go by
where they seem very settled and content, and then suddenly it's as if they
feel a need to act out and test their boundaries.

I would love suggestions on how to help her. I feel so helpless because I
know
she's having a hard time right now, but I don't know what to do for her.

IMO, there's not much you can do for her other than be there, continue
keeping her boundaries clear, and teach her how to verbalize her
emotions--and let her know that feeling negative emotions is normal and
healthy, but there are appropriate ways to express those emotions.
Sometimes it helps if you just tell them, "I know you're feeling very
frustrated, and I wish I could do something to help you. If you need some
time alone, or if you want me to hold you, just let me know."

Different kids respond to different things, of course...one of my kids
wanted to be held when she had a tantrum. Another wanted to be alone.
Another wanted to stomp off, fume in private, and walk back down with his
head held high. The youngest needs to be told to settle down and stop
making a fuss. :-)

Their school starts tomorrow and I'm hoping she will have more fun at
school than
she's been having going to day care all day.

How likely is it that the girls are stressing out about starting school?
DD6 is so worried about first grade, even though she's been at the school
for a year already.

Jennifer

I just love the Ames books! Even at 9 almost 10 she has been right on
track. It has really helped both of us understand what they are
experiencing at a particular age. Nine has been a really trying time but I
understand 10 is like a 5 year old and I just loved 5. Anyhow, good luck.

Shirley

"Jennifer in Maryland" wrote in message
...
"Andrea" wrote in message
...
Madison has been having a difficult time with me going back to work and
I
don't
know how to help her to deal with it better. She has tantrums constantly
over
every little thing. If I tell her to get dressed she falls on the floor
and has
a tantrum. Trying to get her to clean up her toys is a total nightmare.
She's
always been prone to tantrums, but had gotten much better before I
started
work. Ever since then it's been a total nightmare with the tantrums.

Shirley mentioned this already, but 4 is a very trying age. :-O If you
can, check out "Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful" by Ames and Ilg.
Knowing that what my kids were going through was normal made getting past
the stage easier for me!

My 3 older kids had tough times at age 4, while my youngest was an angel
until she turned 5 1/2, and then she has had a number of months since
(she's
now 6) when she resorts to tantrums again...this from a kid who had never
had a tantrum before. There seems to be an age at which all kids want to
feel their oats, IYKWIM.

The Ames and Ilg books cover the concept of equilibrium and disequilibrium
in children's behavior, and I've certainly found that my children go up
and
down within each year of age in how they react to the world. Months go by
where they seem very settled and content, and then suddenly it's as if
they
feel a need to act out and test their boundaries.

I would love suggestions on how to help her. I feel so helpless because
I
know
she's having a hard time right now, but I don't know what to do for her.

IMO, there's not much you can do for her other than be there, continue
keeping her boundaries clear, and teach her how to verbalize her
emotions--and let her know that feeling negative emotions is normal and
healthy, but there are appropriate ways to express those emotions.
Sometimes it helps if you just tell them, "I know you're feeling very
frustrated, and I wish I could do something to help you. If you need some
time alone, or if you want me to hold you, just let me know."

Different kids respond to different things, of course...one of my kids
wanted to be held when she had a tantrum. Another wanted to be alone.
Another wanted to stomp off, fume in private, and walk back down with his
head held high. The youngest needs to be told to settle down and stop
making a fuss. :-)

Their school starts tomorrow and I'm hoping she will have more fun at
school than
she's been having going to day care all day.

How likely is it that the girls are stressing out about starting school?
DD6 is so worried about first grade, even though she's been at the school
for a year already.

Jennifer

"m.ackerman" wrote in message
news:e79Yc.77951$Fg5.15470@attbi_s53...
I just love the Ames books! Even at 9 almost 10 she has been right on
track. It has really helped both of us understand what they are
experiencing at a particular age. Nine has been a really trying time but
I
understand 10 is like a 5 year old and I just loved 5. Anyhow, good luck.

I love those books too! :-) I long ago stopped reading most parenting
books (except for sheer entertainment value, lol), but the Ames/Ilg books
are so clear-cut and sensible. Each age has its own challenges, and I like
seeing how other 8-year-olds, 9-year-olds, etc. are perceived and are
expected to perform.

Yes, nine was very trying with us for our oldest. I remember resorting to
rereading Ames over and over during that time, lol! Nine wasn't so bad with
our twins, but ten has been delightful so far! :-D Their independence is
such a relief.

On that note, DH drove our oldest to college last week and we are now a
household of five! Talk about independence! I'm keeping a parental leash
on her as best I can with IM and phone calls. ;-)

Jennifer

Thanks for the update. If I live through the end of 9 with my DD I shall be
canonized a saint when I die! She is so erratic in her moods (I know it's
PMS but it drives my DH and I crazy). She's also prone to be a "drama
queen" and does very well in the arts at school which gives her a positive
outlet, but it carries over to the home! Life is 1/2 empty not 1/2 full and
that too makes me nuts. I'm sure I shall survive and am looking forward to
10 (maybe). On the other hand she's so fun to be around and has a great
sense of humor - one that can rival any of my friends.

Shirley
Chris and Kathleen 1/95

"Jennifer in Maryland" wrote in message
...
"m.ackerman" wrote in message
news:e79Yc.77951$Fg5.15470@attbi_s53...
I just love the Ames books! Even at 9 almost 10 she has been right on
track. It has really helped both of us understand what they are
experiencing at a particular age. Nine has been a really trying time
but
I
understand 10 is like a 5 year old and I just loved 5. Anyhow, good
luck.

I love those books too! :-) I long ago stopped reading most parenting
books (except for sheer entertainment value, lol), but the Ames/Ilg books
are so clear-cut and sensible. Each age has its own challenges, and I
like
seeing how other 8-year-olds, 9-year-olds, etc. are perceived and are
expected to perform.

Yes, nine was very trying with us for our oldest. I remember resorting to
rereading Ames over and over during that time, lol! Nine wasn't so bad
with
our twins, but ten has been delightful so far! :-D Their independence is
such a relief.

On that note, DH drove our oldest to college last week and we are now a
household of five! Talk about independence! I'm keeping a parental leash
on her as best I can with IM and phone calls. ;-)

Jennifer

"m.ackerman" wrote in message
news:mbuYc.255706$eM2.156532@attbi_s51...
Thanks for the update. If I live through the end of 9 with my DD I shall
be
canonized a saint when I die! She is so erratic in her moods (I know it's
PMS but it drives my DH and I crazy). She's also prone to be a "drama
queen" and does very well in the arts at school which gives her a positive
outlet, but it carries over to the home! Life is 1/2 empty not 1/2 full
and
that too makes me nuts. I'm sure I shall survive and am looking forward
to
10 (maybe). On the other hand she's so fun to be around and has a great
sense of humor - one that can rival any of my friends.

When DD10 gets into a mood, I keep reminding myself...this too shall pass,
this too shall pass...and invariably DD gets up the next day perfectly happy
& sunny. My son is so much more constant in his moods, but I suppose this
is a typical boy/girl dichotomy, right? You *will* live through the end of
9, Saint Shirley. ;-)

Jennifer

I just wanted to add an update. It seems that our day care situation was the
factor that was stressing Madison out more than me going back to work. The
girls started a new school last Tuesday (in large part so that we could have
them go to a different day care) and Madison's been a different child ever
since. The tantrums have almost disappeared. They LOVE their new school, and
Madison was so happy at day care today that she didn't want to leave when I
came to pick them up. I'm relieved, to say the least.

Thank you for the advice on the book. I've written the name down and plan to
get a copy.

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
4 yrs. old

Madison has been having a difficult time with me going back to work and I
don't
know how to help her to deal with it better. She has tantrums constantly over
every little thing. If I tell her to get dressed she falls on the floor and
has
a tantrum. Trying to get her to clean up her toys is a total nightmare. She's
always been prone to tantrums, but had gotten much better before I started
work. Ever since then it's been a total nightmare with the tantrums.

I try to spend as much time with the girls when I'm not working, but I am
away
from them for around 9 hours each day, due to work. When I am home, a good
chunk of the time before they go to bed is spent doing things that have to be
done, such as getting them ready for bed, fixing dinner, cleaning up, etc. I
keep trying to reassure her that she is very loved and that I miss her when
I'm
at work. Tonight she told me "I know that already."

I would love suggestions on how to help her. I feel so helpless because I
know
she's having a hard time right now, but I don't know what to do for her.
Their
school starts tomorrow and I'm hoping she will have more fun at school than
she's been having going to day care all day. I hope it will be a positive
change for them. The girls visited their new school with dh today and seemed
to
like it. I've gotten permission from my boss to go into work a little late
tomorrow so that I can take them on their first day. I'm much more nervous
about it than they are.

TIA,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
4 yrs. old