Answer the phone ?

On 10 Jan 2005 01:32:04 GMT,
(Bebelestrnge0721) wrote:



Sooooo ....................... who, what, where, when, and why, are
all the
single parents missing ? I better get a job or sumthin' !
Helooooo ? Bev

Hi Bev
I'm working, hoping time goes by fast 'til Paul gets here in March for
a final visit before the move, and getting ready for a major audit at
school at the beginning of next month.

Hi Cele, Sorry I haven't responded for so long......My Step daughter
had had a surgery just after christmas so as to protect herself from
the cancer that took her mom, and she did too much and began to
hemmorage.........So I have had my 2 yr. old grandson (terrible two!!!)
My terrorist Daughter and her 1 yr old keeping me busy.
It is the waiting that is the hardest part , when you love someone
March is coming ! Sounds like your work is keeping you busy .
Take care !
Bev

"Bev" wrote:

Hello V . Good to see you ! Yeah I was almost tempted to "see my
boobs"
but managed to restrain myself You have Lupus and FM ? I am
sorry
you deal with that....my deceased partner had Lupus, I witnessed the
suffering of her flareups for many years. I am also looking for a
new
job ..........I haven't made up my mind yet .......I have worked as
an
institutional cook for about 18 years now and to be honest my health
has me questioning if I should keep at that. You do work 8 hours a
day
on your feet , I still need to do something active though for the
arthritis and DDD and thank somebody the heel spurs have relented
finally after having needles in them a couple times and spending
300.00
bucks on orthotics! So right now the local grocery store is looking
good



Good luck with your job search, Bev.

thanks ! I feel lucky I hope it means something good


I always found it was hard to separate the teen from the mental
health
issues from the general stress stuff.

Oh please ! I just can't take it anymore......I have struggled for way
too long trying to figure this kid out...I am still at a loss of
knowing what is what ?


M and I almost called it
quits there for a while, the stress has been a very crippling factor
,
I figure if we get through getting S grounded and coping better
herself
maybe this relationship will last to its third year in March.



Good luck with it. I can't imagine having tried to maintain a
relationship when we were going through the thick of things. I hope
it
works out for you all.

I do not know how this relationship gets through this all....I asked M
one night why? She stays her response was "I am crazy" and she laughed.
She says she loves us She maintained an 11 year relationship with
someone who suffers manic depressive/bi-polar , schizaphrenic
borderline personality disorder. This she says is not that bad . People
make ya wonder sometimes We are committed and If we can make it to
July we will have a 10 day vacation from it all!!!!!



I am beggining to let
myself accept that my daughter just may not be able to take care of
J
and that it be best for the fathers family to have her and I have
visitation on a grandparent level. I wanted so much for my daughter
not
to suffer this loss and truly think I did the right thing in
supporting
her having the baby. As much as I have come use to having J here ,
the
best interests of both my daughter and her daughter may be that this
change. It stinks cause the father of this baby is no more involved
even less than my daughter, who has done so well except for the
explosive argumentative drama she puts us through. Which is the
reason
I am not sure she can do this on her own.


Yeah....it's a hard thing to come to terms with no matter what the
age
of your child, that there's a disability that's going to impact life
so significantly. My heart goes out to you. But I think it's very
sensible to try your best to separate what you want from what is best
for J and for S. Possibly, the father having custody is a good thing
for you and M, as well. I wish for you that whatever decisions are
made are best for all concerned, and especially for J.

Thank you so much for understanding Cele....many people just don't know
the pain and difficulty parents have coming to terms with such things.
This has been a long hard 4 years for us . What is best for the baby
will be the final outcome and I can not let this go on any longer.

At 17 she still thinks I owe her a living ?



That part, at least, is not uncommon to healthy 17 year olds. I found
with T that as she began to recover from the damage done to her, she
had to re-learn to be her own age. She had needed such extreme
support
so desperately for so long, that when her healing made it possible to
begin to let her stand on her own, she had a very hard time letting
go, even gradually, of the support. She is now very close to 'normal'
(whatever that may be) and holds a job and is graduating this year,
but she definitely had to be weaned from the support provided. It was
a challenge for me to know when she was ready for that gentle push,
and when she still really needed me. The healthier she got, the
clearer it got, but it's always been an adventure. Thankfully, we're
well on our way to a healthy adulthood now. I wish the same for you.

I am in this stage with my daughter ...I had to seperate my fears from
the reality and truths that I now see clearer what I must do......I
have let my daughter know what she needs to do and that I am not
pulling total support but that she needs to step up or changes must be
made in the best interest of the baby and herself as well.I am somewhat
still confused about how much of this is "illness" and how much is just
habit.....we will see.I have felt like a prisoner in my own home with
her , I let her terrorize me, It has to end, I now see the damage I
caused by trying to keep the peace. What a mistake !

I have told her she needs to get a job at least part
time ( not sure she can hold one yet ?) It is less but it is still
there.



If you're not sure she can hold one, maybe it'd be better to ease her
in, via some kind of agency? Here, we have mental health agencies
that
do supported work environments to give people the skills they need to
get back to work. I don't know if you have anything like that there?

Yes I am familiar with these programs ...In the Elderly Care proffesion
I have been involved in there have been many workers that have come
into the foodservice and housekeeping deptartments on these programs.


I have resorted to prayer, just don't know who I am praying to?

I don't think anybody does, really. I go with the Cosmos, myself. :-)

I know some will tell me this is all my fault.........I know. I have
been fixing it for a long time now, I hope it gets better. Bev


Who cares whose fault it is? The future is more important and it's
what you can control. Belabouring the past only takes energy from
improving the future, IMO.

It is the future that I am trying to save, I need for this to feel
better one day..I need to see my daughter in a better place for herself
more than anything.
Good luck.

Cele

Thanks for your experience and wisdom .
Bev

"Bev" wrote in message
oups.com...

V wrote:
"Bev" wrote in message
ups.com...

snip:
I haven't made up my mind yet .......I have worked as an
institutional cook for about 18 years now and to be honest my
health
has me questioning if I should keep at that. You do work 8 hours a
day
on your feet , I still need to do something active though for the
arthritis and DDD and thank somebody the heel spurs have relented
finally after having needles in them a couple times and spending
300.00
bucks on orthotics! So right now the local grocery store is looking
good

Snip.....hey , sometimes we gotta do what we "gotta" do. eh?


Whoo hoo! put in an application at the Mr.Z's Grocery store on Saturday
, got a call before I could finish unpacking the weeks groceries ! I
have an interview This Tues. morn. ! I hope I get this....just 10
minutes up the road. So tired of the commute I was doing before, 45
minutes to Bethlehem from here, I don't regret quitting that part !
Bev


Good luck Bev!
V

--
Dysfunctional people are prepared for anything. Hey, once you've driven your
drunk father to Mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Subject: Answer the phone ?
From: "V"
Date: 1/17/2005 8:10 P.M. Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:


Whoo hoo! put in an application at the Mr.Z's Grocery store on Saturday
, got a call before I could finish unpacking the weeks groceries ! I
have an interview This Tues. morn. ! I hope I get this....just 10
minutes up the road. So tired of the commute I was doing before, 45
minutes to Bethlehem from here, I don't regret quitting that part !
Bev


Good luck Bev!
V

Thanks V !
Bev


Dysfunctional people are prepared for anything. Hey, once you've driven your
drunk father to Mom's parole hearing, what else is there?



makes ya think ..........

On 16 Jan 2005 07:52:44 -0800, "Bev" wrote:

[...]

Good luck with it. I can't imagine having tried to maintain a
relationship when we were going through the thick of things. I hope
it
works out for you all.

I do not know how this relationship gets through this all....I asked M
one night why? She stays her response was "I am crazy" and she laughed.
She says she loves us She maintained an 11 year relationship with
someone who suffers manic depressive/bi-polar , schizaphrenic
borderline personality disorder. This she says is not that bad . People
make ya wonder sometimes We are committed and If we can make it to
July we will have a 10 day vacation from it all!!!!!

Hey, that's great! Where will you go?

July sounds good to me, too. Especially the end bit. Good things will
happen. Paul will come. My eldest will turn 20 and I will no longer be
the parent of two teens! :-)

I am beggining to let
myself accept that my daughter just may not be able to take care of
J
and that it be best for the fathers family to have her and I have
visitation on a grandparent level. I wanted so much for my daughter
not
to suffer this loss and truly think I did the right thing in
supporting
her having the baby. As much as I have come use to having J here ,
the
best interests of both my daughter and her daughter may be that this
change. It stinks cause the father of this baby is no more involved
even less than my daughter, who has done so well except for the
explosive argumentative drama she puts us through. Which is the
reason
I am not sure she can do this on her own.


Yeah....it's a hard thing to come to terms with no matter what the
age
of your child, that there's a disability that's going to impact life
so significantly. My heart goes out to you. But I think it's very
sensible to try your best to separate what you want from what is best
for J and for S. Possibly, the father having custody is a good thing
for you and M, as well. I wish for you that whatever decisions are
made are best for all concerned, and especially for J.

Thank you so much for understanding Cele....many people just don't know
the pain and difficulty parents have coming to terms with such things.
This has been a long hard 4 years for us . What is best for the baby
will be the final outcome and I can not let this go on any longer.

You're right. What is best for the baby is the way to go. As for
understanding, well, honestly, I'm not sure I'd wish the kind of
understanding through experience one gets from having a child with
mental health issues, on anyone. Sometimes, truth be told, it'd be
easier to not need to understand, wouldn't it? :-/

Mine's doing very well right now, all things considered. The
anniversary of the abduction approaches, and as always, at this time
of year, she's been crossing the teachers at school and generally
distressed. However, every year it's a little better, and last night,
she came into some huge insight. We talked for a bit, because she
seemed to want to, and about 'that day', which she rarely mentions.
She said, "I was only trying to help. I was trying to be nice. I feel
like I was punished for being nice." (He asked her for directions and
she approached the car because she couldn't hear him, to try to give
him directions. She's a kid from a small, isolated, tourist town,
where absolutely everyone would've done the same.) Anyway. I said,
"Oh, honey, you're not being punished. You were nice for years before
that day, and nobody raped you. I'm nice, and people haven't raped me.
What happened to you happened because someone made a choice and a
decision to do evil, and did it. It was never about you. You weren't a
person to him, you were a thing to be used, and he used you. It wasn't
because you were nice." She said, "I feel like it's dangerous to be
nice. I feel like I'll be punished if I'm nice." We talked about not
giving him her niceness...not giving herself away...we talked about
how it makes us feel more powerful if we can blame ourselves, 'cause
then we can think if we do thus and so differently it won't happen
again; we won't be hurt again. We talked about the randomness of
danger and hurt in the world. And I think some significant growth
happened. I knew she felt that way, but until *she* could identify it,
there was nowhere to go with it. But now, there is. So that's a good
thing.

[...]

I am in this stage with my daughter ...I had to seperate my fears from
the reality and truths that I now see clearer what I must do......I
have let my daughter know what she needs to do and that I am not
pulling total support but that she needs to step up or changes must be
made in the best interest of the baby and herself as well.I am somewhat
still confused about how much of this is "illness" and how much is just
habit.....we will see.I have felt like a prisoner in my own home with
her , I let her terrorize me, It has to end, I now see the damage I
caused by trying to keep the peace. What a mistake !

Well, Bev, I don't know about you, but I know that the revelations
about what to do next come when they come, and as long as you try to
pay attention to them and act on them as best you can, there's not
much else to be done. Looking back, I don't know when I've got it
right and when not so right along the way, but the one thing I know
for sure is that I've always done the best I possibly could. And I'm
not sure what else we can do.

Good for you for clarifying the boundaries. That can only be a
positive step. As to what's illness and what's health - I do know how
confusing *that* can be, and frankly, I said to my own a few months
back, when she was in the eating disorders treatnment (she spent the
summer in hospital), "You know what? I love you to bits, and what has
happened to you was a terrible thing, but darlin', if you want to be
'normal' [her word], then the only thing for it, is to start *being*
*normal*. I can love you to bits, but I can't make you 'normal'. Being
'normal' is all about deciding what you want to be, and doing it. And
only you can do that." That might sound awfully harsh, but I must've
had lucky timing, because within a couple of weeks she got herself
kicked out of the program (I had refused to have her discharged) and
came home and got her act together and stopped a whole whack of
destructive behaviours that she'd gotten into while in hospital.
Completely went cold turkey on the ED stuff, and
started...well....acting a whole lot closer to 'normal'. I don't think
for a minute it was any brilliant intervention on my part. I think
that in the hospital she had a long, hard, close up look at massive
dysfunction, and realized at some level that she was walking a
dangerous path. She must've made a choice, 'cause she hasn't gone
anywhere near her hospital behaviour since. Instead, she went out and
got herself a job, which she still has, and is getting ready to
graduate this year.

So I don't know. I think mental illness is very confusing. I know that
my sister, for example, appeared to be completely and entirely unable
to extricate herself from what was clearly a miserable state.
Miserable enough that she killed herself. I don't think she chose to
be that way. On the other hand, once you've become 'unstable' people
lower their expectations for you, don't they? So it's maybe harder to
know what's 'normal'. It's maybe harder to find your way there.

My approach has been to push *in the direction of* health; to nudge
her always a little closer to what she could become. Not to expect
health, but always to try for a closer approximation. And in time, she
has gotten, step by step, to where she's now awfully darned close, if
not within, normal range. Hell, she's still got 'issues' - but not so
many more than lots, and a fair sight fewer than many who've been
where she's been.

It's a constant guessing game, I know. FWIW, you have my heartfelt
best wishes for strength and courage and luck.

I have told her she needs to get a job at least part
time ( not sure she can hold one yet ?) It is less but it is still
there.



If you're not sure she can hold one, maybe it'd be better to ease her
in, via some kind of agency? Here, we have mental health agencies
that
do supported work environments to give people the skills they need to
get back to work. I don't know if you have anything like that there?

Yes I am familiar with these programs ...In the Elderly Care proffesion
I have been involved in there have been many workers that have come
into the foodservice and housekeeping deptartments on these programs.

Right....sometimes here the Mental Health units have programmes
designed specifically for the young adult population, for whom there
is often quite a lot of hope.

I have resorted to prayer, just don't know who I am praying to?

I don't think anybody does, really. I go with the Cosmos, myself. :-)

I know some will tell me this is all my fault.........I know. I have
been fixing it for a long time now, I hope it gets better. Bev


Who cares whose fault it is? The future is more important and it's
what you can control. Belabouring the past only takes energy from
improving the future, IMO.

It is the future that I am trying to save, I need for this to feel
better one day..I need to see my daughter in a better place for herself
more than anything.

I know you do. Sometimes, you know, you have to see 'better' in the
small things. If I had set my sights on 'normal' too often in those
early days, I'd've been overwhelmed by the difference between that
standard and what I saw. I always saw 'normal' as the long term goal,
but mostly I just looked at tomorrow. In the beginning, she was having
fifteen, twenty, twenty five flashbacks a day. She would slide down
onto the floor if she saw a native guy or a darkish caucasian man. And
we lived in a *town* of guys with that colouring. She couldn't sleep
for more than an hour or two at a time. So I didn't think 'normal'. I
thought 'let her sleep three hours tonight,' or, 'let's see if we can
make it through a trip to the video store without sliding onto the
ground,' or, 'if I put myself between her and any men we see, maybe
she can stay focused on the shopping goal.' And when those things came
to pass, I felt like major goals had been achieved, and they had been.
If I had tried to picture normal as the goal, I'd've never been able
to get through that time. The difference between hope and reality
would've been far too overwhelming - and terrifying.

Now, of course, she's working and graduating and all that, and now I
can dare to think she might have an essentially 'normal' life. But
don't measure 'better' by that yardstick. Measure it by what she can
do today that she couldn't do yesterday, even if it's as supposedly
simple as staying on her meds, staying away from the razor blades,
sleeping through the night. And remember, too, to think in terms of
the gaps - you know, the gaps between when she 'loses it'. For us, the
first sign we were really getting somewhere was when the gaps were
measured in weeks instead of days. Then, after a long while, it became
months. Now, well, I was thinking just the other day, that it's
really been over a year...about, lessee....fifteen months, since the
last major 'losing it'.

Look at progress in small steps and it'll be easier to find.

The other thing...the hardest thing of all...but the most
important...is to learn to let go. At least, that's the hardest and
most important I've found.

Letting go means knowing what you control and what you don't. What you
can do and what you can't. Looking at your worst case scenario and
knowing that you *can* survive it and you *will* survive it because
that's what you have to do. And knowing that in the end, none of us
controls anyone, even if it's someone we love; even if it's our child;
even if they're doing themselves terrible harm.

Once you can let go, you can see a whole lot more clearly, because
once you know what you can't do, you also know what you can. And it's
so, so much easier to put responsibility where it belongs, whether
with you, your child, or someone else. But when it's not something you
control, you have to be able to hand it off...and let go of it. Even
if they mess it up.

That's the hardest thing. And it's the thing that gives the very most
clarity in figuring out what to do next. At least, that's how it was
for me.

Good luck.

Cele

Thanks for your experience and wisdom .
Bev

Hey, no problem. Anything useful I can offer, I surely am happy to.
YMMV :-) Hang in there. Eventually, you know, they know you've gone
to the floor for them.One way or another, they do eventually know.

Be well.

Cele

On 16 Jan 2005 07:11:43 -0800, "Bev" wrote:

Hi Cele, Sorry I haven't responded for so long......My Step daughter
had had a surgery just after christmas so as to protect herself from
the cancer that took her mom, and she did too much and began to
hemmorage.........So I have had my 2 yr. old grandson (terrible two!!!)
My terrorist Daughter and her 1 yr old keeping me busy.

Holy cow, you've got plenty going on!

Me, I'm busy as hell at work but I'm just putting one foot in front of
the other while the time goes by. Trying not to focus on what's not
available at the moment, and be happy with what is. Which is better
than what has been in the past, in so many ways! :-)

It is the waiting that is the hardest part , when you love someone

Yup. It's just as well I'm so busy at work, or I'd probably do
something really crazy, like, I dunno, get some exercise or something.
LOL Well, maybe another day. :-)

March is coming ! Sounds like your work is keeping you busy .
Take care !
Bev

You too. :-)

Cele

Cele wrote:
On 16 Jan 2005 07:52:44 -0800, "Bev"
wrote:

[...]

July we will have a 10 day vacation from it all!!!!!

Hey, that's great! Where will you go?

July sounds good to me, too. Especially the end bit. Good things will
happen. Paul will come. My eldest will turn 20 and I will no longer
be
the parent of two teens! :-)


Well, Our Vacation will be a road trip to Cape Cod, based around a
"grief group" reunion. Just about 4 years ago after G died I found some
relief through an internet group of people, The webmaster Steve (who
lost his wife) is actually going to be married at this reunion to a
sweet lady he met in the group!( she lost her husband) Sadly she is
fighting Cancer herself right now . She owns a beautiful big house on
the Cape and opens her home to the group every year for us to gather .
Last year we took my daughter S and her friend A along with us . It is
so peaceful and serene, and we had a wonderful time. What is great is
we go on day trips to different areas while we are there. This year M
and I are goin it by ourselves ( A well deserved break for sure!)So we
will leave early morning July 16th and return July 25th !! I hope to
leave it all behind me for a while and relax That is great Paul will
come



Thank you so much for understanding Cele....many people just don't
know
the pain and difficulty parents have coming to terms with such
things.
This has been a long hard 4 years for us . What is best for the baby
will be the final outcome and I can not let this go on any longer.

You're right. What is best for the baby is the way to go. As for
understanding, well, honestly, I'm not sure I'd wish the kind of
understanding through experience one gets from having a child with
mental health issues, on anyone. Sometimes, truth be told, it'd be
easier to not need to understand, wouldn't it? :-/

I have had such a difficult time finding this understanding with some
friends, some family and most definately my employers.Myself I have
just started to understand and accept. Being a mom or Dad trying to
survive financially and yet also cope with the sometimes very
devastating incidents that come with having a child with "Issues" is so
draining emotionally physically and oh so spiritually as well.

Mine's doing very well right now, all things considered. The
anniversary of the abduction approaches, and as always, at this time
of year, she's been crossing the teachers at school and generally
distressed. However, every year it's a little better, and last night,
she came into some huge insight. We talked for a bit, because she
seemed to want to, and about 'that day', which she rarely mentions.
She said, "I was only trying to help. I was trying to be nice. I feel
like I was punished for being nice." (He asked her for directions and
she approached the car because she couldn't hear him, to try to give
him directions. She's a kid from a small, isolated, tourist town,
where absolutely everyone would've done the same.) Anyway. I said,
"Oh, honey, you're not being punished. You were nice for years before
that day, and nobody raped you. I'm nice, and people haven't raped
me.
What happened to you happened because someone made a choice and a
decision to do evil, and did it. It was never about you. You weren't
a
person to him, you were a thing to be used, and he used you. It
wasn't
because you were nice." She said, "I feel like it's dangerous to be
nice. I feel like I'll be punished if I'm nice." We talked about not
giving him her niceness...not giving herself away...we talked about
how it makes us feel more powerful if we can blame ourselves, 'cause
then we can think if we do thus and so differently it won't happen
again; we won't be hurt again. We talked about the randomness of
danger and hurt in the world. And I think some significant growth
happened. I knew she felt that way, but until *she* could identify
it,
there was nowhere to go with it. But now, there is. So that's a good
thing.


(((Cele))) I admire the Mom you are. I am so glad your Daughter has
begun to come out the other side of this terrible awful nightmare.


I am in this stage with my daughter ...I had to seperate my fears
from
the reality and truths that I now see clearer what I must do......I
have let my daughter know what she needs to do and that I am not
pulling total support but that she needs to step up or changes must
be
made in the best interest of the baby and herself as well.I am
somewhat
still confused about how much of this is "illness" and how much is
just
habit.....we will see.I have felt like a prisoner in my own home
with
her , I let her terrorize me, It has to end, I now see the damage I
caused by trying to keep the peace. What a mistake !

Well, Bev, I don't know about you, but I know that the revelations
about what to do next come when they come, and as long as you try to
pay attention to them and act on them as best you can, there's not
much else to be done. Looking back, I don't know when I've got it
right and when not so right along the way, but the one thing I know
for sure is that I've always done the best I possibly could. And I'm
not sure what else we can do.

Good for you for clarifying the boundaries. That can only be a
positive step. As to what's illness and what's health - I do know how
confusing *that* can be, and frankly, I said to my own a few months
back, when she was in the eating disorders treatnment (she spent the
summer in hospital), "You know what? I love you to bits, and what has
happened to you was a terrible thing, but darlin', if you want to be
'normal' [her word], then the only thing for it, is to start *being*
*normal*. I can love you to bits, but I can't make you 'normal'.
Being
'normal' is all about deciding what you want to be, and doing it. And
only you can do that." That might sound awfully harsh, but I must've
had lucky timing, because within a couple of weeks she got herself
kicked out of the program (I had refused to have her discharged) and
came home and got her act together and stopped a whole whack of
destructive behaviours that she'd gotten into while in hospital.
Completely went cold turkey on the ED stuff, and
started...well....acting a whole lot closer to 'normal'. I don't
think
for a minute it was any brilliant intervention on my part. I think
that in the hospital she had a long, hard, close up look at massive
dysfunction, and realized at some level that she was walking a
dangerous path. She must've made a choice, 'cause she hasn't gone
anywhere near her hospital behaviour since. Instead, she went out and
got herself a job, which she still has, and is getting ready to
graduate this year.

So I don't know. I think mental illness is very confusing. I know
that
my sister, for example, appeared to be completely and entirely unable
to extricate herself from what was clearly a miserable state.
Miserable enough that she killed herself. I don't think she chose to
be that way. On the other hand, once you've become 'unstable' people
lower their expectations for you, don't they? So it's maybe harder to
know what's 'normal'. It's maybe harder to find your way there.

My approach has been to push *in the direction of* health; to nudge
her always a little closer to what she could become. Not to expect
health, but always to try for a closer approximation. And in time,
she
has gotten, step by step, to where she's now awfully darned close, if
not within, normal range. Hell, she's still got 'issues' - but not so
many more than lots, and a fair sight fewer than many who've been
where she's been.

It's a constant guessing game, I know. FWIW, you have my heartfelt
best wishes for strength and courage and luck.

AS I read your comments back to me, those above and below as well , my
heart races, I think it is excitement? What you say gives me hope ....I
see some of what you are saying actually happening....like the time
between explosive outbursts, opening into larger amounts of time
between. I also am seeing some of the mistakes I am making while I mean
the best , I am actually wanting too much too soon with her. So sorry
to hear of your sisters death. It is so very sad when someone reaches
that decision that death would be better than life.Much of the fear I
have is that my daughter will succeed one of these times she decides to
swallow a bottle of pills or cut herself too deep. It has been months
since she has done any of this but I live with this fear not knowing
when and if she may.Thanks for the well wishes and I send them back to
you as well.

snipped gobs of good stuff:


The other thing...the hardest thing of all...but the most
important...is to learn to let go. At least, that's the hardest and
most important I've found.

Letting go means knowing what you control and what you don't. What
you
can do and what you can't. Looking at your worst case scenario and
knowing that you *can* survive it and you *will* survive it because
that's what you have to do. And knowing that in the end, none of us
controls anyone, even if it's someone we love; even if it's our
child;
even if they're doing themselves terrible harm.

Once you can let go, you can see a whole lot more clearly, because
once you know what you can't do, you also know what you can. And it's
so, so much easier to put responsibility where it belongs, whether
with you, your child, or someone else. But when it's not something
you
control, you have to be able to hand it off...and let go of it. Even
if they mess it up.

That's the hardest thing. And it's the thing that gives the very most
clarity in figuring out what to do next. At least, that's how it was
for me.

Good luck.

Cele

Letting go......I think this is what I have begun to do as of late,
very hard indeed.


Thanks for your experience and wisdom .
Bev

Hey, no problem. Anything useful I can offer, I surely am happy to.
YMMV :-) Hang in there. Eventually, you know, they know you've gone
to the floor for them.One way or another, they do eventually know.

Be well.

Cele

YMMV means ? Thanks Cele this has been very enlightening and I
appreciate every word you typed
Bev

Cele wrote:
On 16 Jan 2005 07:11:43 -0800, "Bev"
wrote:

Hi Cele, Sorry I haven't responded for so long......My Step daughter
had had a surgery just after christmas so as to protect herself from
the cancer that took her mom, and she did too much and began to
hemmorage.........So I have had my 2 yr. old grandson (terrible
two!!!)
My terrorist Daughter and her 1 yr old keeping me busy.

Holy cow, you've got plenty going on!

LOL! Holy cow is right ! It has since mellowed out, and we survived the
entire 5 days. My step daughter is much better and I don't think she
will do that again. She's a woman like her mother G was, strong willed
and will ask for no help until she is near death.


Me, I'm busy as hell at work but I'm just putting one foot in front
of
the other while the time goes by. Trying not to focus on what's not
available at the moment, and be happy with what is. Which is better
than what has been in the past, in so many ways! :-)

It is the waiting that is the hardest part , when you love someone


Yup. It's just as well I'm so busy at work, or I'd probably do
something really crazy, like, I dunno, get some exercise or
something.
LOL Well, maybe another day. :-)

March is coming ! Sounds like your work is keeping you busy .
Take care !
Bev

You too. :-)

Cele

thanks
Bev