Space between babies?

Just wondering what the age difference is between your kids, and wondering
what you think the ideal age difference between kids is for them to be
closest emotionally? There will be 3 and a half years between my kids, and
personally, I really wanted for them to be closer in age, no more than 2
years apart. I actually would have liked for them to be a year apart but I
couldn't handle pregnancy back-to-back like that! I figure the closer in age
they are, the more likely they can grow up together and share toys and
interests, and play together better? Aside from wanting them to be as close
together as possible I'd say I think no more than 2 years apart would be
ideal.

Some people tell me they feel it's less sibling rivalry when there are a few
more years between them, such as 4 or more. Others tell me it doesn't make a
difference, their kids are close no matter the age gap and gender. But I
know some families whose kids just are not close- they don't share things,
don't share interests, don't enjoy spending time together- I always wonder
if it's just happened or it could have been better. I didn't have any
siblings close in age to me so I feel this is probably why it was a desire
of mine to have kids close together.

I am at least glad that there will be a year and a half that my daughter
will have at home with her younger brother or sister before she starts
kindergarten. But at first, with a newborn, it's not like they can play
together anyway--most of the images I have in my head of them playing at the
park together, playing games, and sharing toys will be after DD is in school
anyway. I do wish they could be about a year and half closer in age.

I still wish for one more baby, but I am not sure I will be up to another
pregnancy soon after this one because it WILL be when I have a
infant/toddler and then DD will be adjusting to school, so not only will I
have to do the baby caretaking but also get DD ready for school and pick her
up and do school stuff..I want one more, but I am pretty sure I won't have
#3 any closer to #2, than I will #2 to #1. #1-#2= 3 and a half years
apart.....I'm thinking I won't be ready for a possible #3 until #2 is
probably almost in school herself.

Just random ramblings, any comments? I truly envy those who have 3 or 4 kids
who are all so close together, no more than 2 years apart but I know it had
to be exhausting. It took me a long time to get over pregnancy and
breastfeeding. That was really the thing, I was still bf #1 and was too
tired to think about a pregnancy..I find pregnancy to be a challenge, and
difficult, and as bad as it sounds I dread it. LOVE the kids, dread the
pregnancy. Unlike some of my friends, who kept having kids almost more
because they relish the moments of pregnancy, it's when the baby comes that
they get tired! I really do have a friend who just adores being pregnant. I
just don't, although of course I love the good moments- the kicks, the
ultrasounds, and yes it's beautiful to carry a child, but honestly- it feels
bad, and it feels like forever, and I am just not one of those who glows and
relishes it. I also look like I have been beat up-LMAO. But I truly adore
kids and babies.

beyond the pale wrote:
Just wondering what the age difference is between your kids,

#1 2.5 years #2 6 years #3

and wondering
what you think the ideal age difference between kids is for them to be
closest emotionally?

I don't believe there is any way to guarantee it. Some
kids who are close in age clash all the time. Some who are far
apart in age are very close. I think it has a lot more to do with
their personalities and the events in their lives than their ages.

There will be 3 and a half years between my kids, and
personally, I really wanted for them to be closer in age, no more than 2
years apart. I actually would have liked for them to be a year apart but I
couldn't handle pregnancy back-to-back like that! I figure the closer in age
they are, the more likely they can grow up together and share toys and
interests, and play together better?

They *MAY* share toys or interests, but there's no guarantee
of that at all, even if they are close together. One may be into
dolls and role playing, and the other into building or active play.
It is a little handy if they're all of an age where family activities
and vacations don't have to stretch to accommodate a wide variety of
ages, but the day to day stuff is really up for grabs regardless of
the ages. And even if they have similar interests, they may still
not play well together.

Aside from wanting them to be as close
together as possible I'd say I think no more than 2 years apart would be
ideal.

Some people tell me they feel it's less sibling rivalry when there are a few
more years between them, such as 4 or more. Others tell me it doesn't make a
difference, their kids are close no matter the age gap and gender. But I
know some families whose kids just are not close- they don't share things,
don't share interests, don't enjoy spending time together- I always wonder
if it's just happened or it could have been better. I didn't have any
siblings close in age to me so I feel this is probably why it was a desire
of mine to have kids close together.

Probably. I know plenty of siblings who are close (some
*very* close) in age who share little in common. You just can't
manufacture a closer relationship by manipulating birth spacing.

I wouldn't fret about it. Have another when and if you
feel like it's a good time for you and your family. You could
knock yourself out with a closely spaced next pregnancy and find
that the kids don't, in fact, get along or play well together.
And from here on out, even if you have a 1 year spacing between
#2 and #3, you'll have a 4.5 year spacing between #1 and #3.
No matter what, you're going to deal with some wider spacings.
And that's not all bad. The best pairing in my home is between
#1 and #3, who are 8.5 years apart.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I think it depends more on how you raise your kids than how far apart in
age they are.
My brother and I ware about 2 years apart and we fought every day until
the day I moved out.
My mother did her best to keep us apart all through our childhood. I
don't remember playing with my brother much.
When Iw as about 7 we had neighbours whos kids were 4 years apart and
I've never seen kids that close. They were awesome together, but their
parents didn't step into every fight they had, so I think that was more
the problem. I never got to "fight it out" with my brother.

That said, I always wanted a big age gap for my children. I spent a lot
of time with Sam alone and we're pretty close, I want that with nr2 as
well. I wanted a 5 year gap, now I'll have a nearly 7 year gap, but the
way Sam is behaving right now about the pregnancy and everything I think
it's going to be good. I am a little scared because nr2 is due right
when Sam is starting 1st grad propperly (he starts monday she's due
wednesday) so I'm hoping she'll make her way out a bit earlier.
I think it's going to be good that I'll have the mornings "off" with
just the baby and then in the afternoon I'm hoping for naptime so I can
spend time with just Sam.
I'm cosleeping with Sam, which we tried in the start but he would have
none of it and it's only really started since we've moved here (1.5
years ago) because his room is about as far away from mine as it can be
and apparently I don't hear when he's calling for me at night
(nightmares) so he started sleeping in my bed, which I don't mind. He's
got a lot going on emotionally and I guess if he needs the one on one
time at night and it helps him be "better" during the day it's better to
have him in my bed than to pick a fight over it. I'm sure it'll
eventually change. Maybe when he realizes that he doesn't get enough
sleep with me and the baby in the same room as him. We'll see.

But back to the age gap:
I kind of had the chance to compare two families in pretty much the same
environment. They lived in the same house, but each had their half of
the house, completely separate. So, they had exactly the same set up,
same number of rooms and bathrooms and everything.
Both families have a set of girl twins. One has: girl (17?) twins (7)
girl (5). The other has: boy (6), twins (4), girl (4 months).

The mom of the first family is roughly 10 years older that the mom of
the second family. The mom of the first family is very much in control
of her family and household in general. She's got very firm rules and
while she's one of the nicest, kindest, gentlest people I know she
enforces those rules strongly, I have not seen her spank her children
once which doesn't mean she doesn't do it, but I've never heared her
children crying in pain.
The mom of the second family is pretty overwhelmed with the whole
situation. She's a really nice person and I know she's doing the best
she can, but she doesn't have rules, she spanks her kids (sometimes with
a wooden spoon, I've seen it and I've heared her children scream in
pain), she tries to bribe her children with money but she sets goals the
kids can't possibly reach.
The children from the first family are all pretty close, of course, the
17 y.o. doesn't usually play with them outside and stuff, but you can
see they all love eachother, they sometimes fight, but certainly not all
day every day and over every little thing. Mostly I see them playing
together nicely. They play outside a lot, they go to the park with their
mother or their older sister, they ride their bikes,...
The children from the second family fight pretty much constantly. I
don't think they've been to the park more than once with their mother,
they hardly ever play outside. They get shut up by being sat down in
front of TV with DVD's which aren't always age appropriate (alien vs.
predator anyone?).


All that said, I think there's a lot of factors involved in having
children be close emotionally. I think the less overwhelmed the mother
feels the better the chances of the kids getting along well.

cu
nicole

beyond the pale wrote:
Just wondering what the age difference is between your kids, and wondering
what you think the ideal age difference between kids is for them to be
closest emotionally?

I really don't think there's any way to plan this. Personalities,
gender... so much can play into whether siblings are close. My sister
and I were extremely close growing up (21 months apart) but as an adult,
I have more in common with my other sister, who is 4.5 years younger
than me. We weren't close growing up, though.

My kids are close together -- twins who turned 4 in April, DS who turned
2 last Friday, and this one due in late November -- and I'm exhausted. I
think it will be great when they are a little older, but for now, I'm
wiped out. The thought of having 4 under 5 is more than a little
overwhelming, but we'll handle it.

Anyway, I'm rambling :-). You need to work out timing according to what
works best for your family. Or, if you're us, you'll have no choice in
the matter (this one and my son were total surprises after years of
infertility ;-).

Paula

you know, close together really isn't good for your body, even if you
tolerate pregnancy fine, plus you're unlikely to be able to give the first
baby the full benefit of breastmilk if you get pregnant too soon, some women
won't be able to get pregnant whilst breastfeeding more than every 4-6hrs,
but some will and there milk will not be able to nourish the older child as
much as it should through the first year, or even complete weaning.

My kids are 2 years apart, they had the same due date, I got pregnant at the
first attempt, so we expected them to be further apart. Even on that gap, I
felt I shortchanged the first as he was nursing 1-2 per day when I got
pregnant and my milk literally vanished overnight, so he lost out on all
that protection, which he really needed as we moved across the world (Korea
that time!) and was exposed to new germs. Other than that slight issue it
has worked out really well, I suspect we will have sibling rivalry to come,
but it's mostly good and DS frequently says how much he loves his little
sister, they are 4 and almost 2 right now.

Even before we had 1, we knew we would wait a while after 2, which was a
good thing when the 2nd birth was a disaster that I still haven't recovered
from - but it's so much the child's personality, I'm pretty sure DD would
not react well to a sibling now, though in many ways she's a chilled out
child, with DS being the high needs one. Hopefully we will have another, so
I'll get to see how a bigger age difference works out.

Cheers

Anne

My kids are 16, 13, 12, 6, and 2. I will probably have one more and
end up with another 3.5 year gap.

Having done the one-year-gap thing, I would never do it again by
choice! This even though my boys, when they are not beating each
other up, are close companions and do a lot together. It's been great
for them, but it was hard, hard, hard.

The three who all came in four years played well together up until the
oldest (girl) lost interest in playing the kinds of games they used to
enjoy. They still have moments when they enjoy hanging out together.

The "little kids" are beginning to play together very well now. I
really like that 3.5 year gap.

The "big kids" find the little brother (6) annoying a great deal of
the time. However, three years ago the big boys enjoyed playing with
him more than they do now.

There are so many factors. I have a sister ten years younger than I.
She worshipped me when we were kids, but we weren't friends because of
the age. Now that we both have kids we are very close. I'm not as
close to the sister who is closer in age to me because we don't have
much in common as adults except for our shared family and shared
childhood.

IOW, there's no predicting any of this, and that's why your own
comfort level must drive the gap you choose!

Lelie

"Leslie" wrote

IOW, there's no predicting any of this, and that's why your own
comfort level must drive the gap you choose!

Lelie


Very true..I do tend to zero in on the close examples, and overlook all the
kids who are close in age and not close. I think this comes from my own
desire to have had a close sibling as a kid. Have you ever noticed that a
lot of parents who have just one child feel some guilt over the years about
only having had one, like the kid is lonely or something? But all of my
friends who were only-children, not ONE of them has said they wish they had
brothers or sisters. Most of them say they enjoyed having all the attention
and not sharing. It's the parents who felt badly that maybe they had a
lonely child. Which is crazy, how many people judge loneliness on siblings??

I do wish I'd had a sister, I always wanted one, still do. My best friend
in high school had a sister 2 grades below us, I loved her sister, and
wished she was mine, and my friend resented her and didn't want to hang
around her (not for that reason, but because they bickered and were total
opposites). They are close now..

"beyond the pale" wrote in message
...
Just wondering what the age difference is between your kids, and wondering
what you think the ideal age difference between kids is for them to be
closest emotionally?

There is exactly 2yrs between #1 and #2. They are both boys. They are very
close and there were very few issues for #1 when #2 was born. Since they do
play together all the time they also bicker a lot. They have not developed
individual pursuits at this point. Unfortanely the 8yo acts more like a 6yo
rather then the 6yo acting more mature. That probably has a lot to do with
the individuals but it is kind of frustrating. Since they have a very
different set of skills/traits that they excell at I worry a little bit
about how that my play out for them as they get older.

There is 7 and 5yrs between the older boys and the twins. The twins are
only 13mos so it is hard to tell but I am surprised at how much time both
the older boys spend playing with them - especially the 8yo. It will also
be fun to see how the twins do growing up. They seem very different
already - and bite each other a lot

I am 1yr older then my brother. We played a lot, had some similar friends,
but lots of different interests as we grew.

My dh has two brothers 3yrs younger then one, 6yrs younger then the other.
His report is that they were all close growing up and they continue to be
close today. They had/have similar interests.

I say go with what ever feels right at the time

--
Nikki, mama to
Hunter 4/99
Luke 4/01
Brock 4/06
Ben 4/06

My husband is an only child, and what he says is that he WAS lonely
as a child, and now that he is grown up he can see how he might have
benefitted from having siblings, but that he is glad he doesn't have
any around to deal with now that he is an adult! And so am I--less in-
laws to deal with!

What I used to wish I had was a big brother. Our middle child is
lucky--he has one of everything: a big sister, a big brother, a little
sister, and a little brother. I hope he appreciates it! ;-)

Leslie

"beyond the pale" wrote in message
...
Just wondering what the age difference is between your kids, and wondering
what you think the ideal age difference between kids is for them to be
closest emotionally? There will be 3 and a half years between my kids, and
personally, I really wanted for them to be closer in age, no more than 2
years apart. I actually would have liked for them to be a year apart but I
couldn't handle pregnancy back-to-back like that! I figure the closer in
age they are, the more likely they can grow up together and share toys and
interests, and play together better? Aside from wanting them to be as
close together as possible I'd say I think no more than 2 years apart
would be ideal.

#1 and #2 are 3 years (less 8 days) apart. #2 and #3 will be about 3.5years
apart.
Generally #1 and #2 play very well together. yes, sometimes they argue, and
#1 likes to have the last word and #2 will sulk sometimes if she doesn't get
her way, but they will choose to do things together. Thye share pretty well
with the toys, with one or two exceptions. If #2 comes home with a party bag
she usually divides it between then, often with #1 having the bulk. #1 will
read stories to #2 and help her writing.
When #2 was a baby it was a lovely age gap, because #1 was at the right age
to be motherly and do some helping.

Some people tell me they feel it's less sibling rivalry when there are a
few more years between them, such as 4 or more. Others tell me it doesn't
make a difference, their kids are close no matter the age gap and gender.
But I know some families whose kids just are not close- they don't share
things, don't share interests, don't enjoy spending time together- I
always wonder if it's just happened or it could have been better. I didn't
have any siblings close in age to me so I feel this is probably why it was
a desire of mine to have kids close together.

It depends on the children entirely. Mum got on best with her brother about
14 years younger, then her sister 7 years younger and lastly her brother 2
years older. Reason, mostly personality. She has most in common with her
youngest brother and least with her older brother.
In my cousins, one family is 1 girl, about 3.5 years older then the 2 boys
who are 18 months apart. The girl and oldest boy get on brilliantly. I don't
think I've ever heard them argue, they play brilliantly and compromise
together to get the result. The boys are complete rivals. In a lot of ways
they're too close in age so they're stepping on each other's toes.
Dh gets on better with his brother who's 4 years younger, than his brother
who is 20 months younger, again there's a bit of personality there.
So in my experience the 2 years and less gap is worse growing up. It's
things like they can always find that if you go somewhere and there's a
children's group then they're more often than not together, so they don't
get a break. Yes, for the shy child this can be great to have someone to
cling to, but if you're not the shy child this can be very restricting to
always have a sibling round your legs as it were.

I am at least glad that there will be a year and a half that my daughter
will have at home with her younger brother or sister before she starts
kindergarten. But at first, with a newborn, it's not like they can play
together anyway--most of the images I have in my head of them playing at
the park together, playing games, and sharing toys will be after DD is in
school anyway. I do wish they could be about a year and half closer in
age.

I still wish for one more baby, but I am not sure I will be up to another
pregnancy soon after this one because it WILL be when I have a
infant/toddler and then DD will be adjusting to school, so not only will I
have to do the baby caretaking but also get DD ready for school and pick
her up and do school stuff..I want one more, but I am pretty sure I won't
have #3 any closer to #2, than I will #2 to #1. #1-#2= 3 and a half years
apart.....I'm thinking I won't be ready for a possible #3 until #2 is
probably almost in school herself.

Just random ramblings, any comments? I truly envy those who have 3 or 4
kids who are all so close together, no more than 2 years apart but I know
it had to be exhausting. It took me a long time to get over pregnancy and
breastfeeding. That was really the thing, I was still bf #1 and was too
tired to think about a pregnancy..I find pregnancy to be a challenge, and
difficult, and as bad as it sounds I dread it. LOVE the kids, dread the
pregnancy. Unlike some of my friends, who kept having kids almost more
because they relish the moments of pregnancy, it's when the baby comes
that they get tired! I really do have a friend who just adores being
pregnant. I just don't, although of course I love the good moments- the
kicks, the ultrasounds, and yes it's beautiful to carry a child, but
honestly- it feels bad, and it feels like forever, and I am just not one
of those who glows and relishes it. I also look like I have been beat
up-LMAO. But I truly adore kids and babies.
I agree, love the babies, can't stand pregnancy. This time has been really
hard. I always thought I'd like 4 children (dh only wants 3 though) but I
really feel I can't go through another pregnancy, even though sickness wise
I've beem much better through this one, it's been emotionally harder for
various reasons, and I've just been waiting for the end.
I know someone who loves being pregnant. She had 2 in 13 months. Doesn't
really like the baby at the end of it though, which I feel is such a waste.
She'd be an ideal surrogate!
Debbie