Setting one's self up for failure?

I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

Now, I will add this group also h as a lot of people who say they will
bf for 4 weeks then switch to formula. And many who say they tried and
couldn' tbecause they didn't have enough milk, baby wasn't gaining
weight, all-knowing doc/nurse told them to supplement, milk didn't come
in until day 5 so the nurses said they had to supplement with formula
so baby won't starve. etc.

cjra wrote:
I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

I think most women who say things like this are women who don't really
want to breastfeed. Because they know that it's best, and their
doctors encourage them to try, they 'try', but quickly find lots of
good reasons to stop. (And, in turn, many peds, while they do give
lip-service to 'breast is best', are perfectly happy to encourage such
women to stop if they have any difficulties. "Well, you tried your
best. Not all women can breastfeed and your baby will do fine on
formula. Here are some samples to get you started.)


Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

I knew I was going to breastfeed. Couldn't think of a damned reason not
to, and dozens of reasons to do it. So I did. (Of course that's not
denying that SOME women have a hard time, but the great majority can
succeed if they want to and have good help and advice.)

Naomi


Now, I will add this group also h as a lot of people who say they will
bf for 4 weeks then switch to formula. And many who say they tried and
couldn' tbecause they didn't have enough milk, baby wasn't gaining
weight, all-knowing doc/nurse told them to supplement, milk didn't come
in until day 5 so the nurses said they had to supplement with formula
so baby won't starve. etc.

cjra wrote:

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

I find the 'try and see' attitude, in general, to be very successful
for me. For nursing, I would have been overwhelmed to say, "I will
nurse for the first 2.5 years of my child's life" -- breaking it into
pieces, such as "I will get through nursing and pumping today -- all I
have to do is pump 20 oz. today at work, and nurse tonight, then
evaluate tomorrow," made it work for me (to reach the 2.5 year mark).

Ditto drug-free labor ("just have to get through next 10 minutes
without drugs"), saving money ("only x amount per day, every day"), and
other long-term goals. I think for me, the thing I need to do is attain
low goals and keep building on them; setting the bar high with a
long-term mindset I typically find really depressing. YMMV.

Caledonia

try and see worked for me.
i had some very militant breastfeeding friends and i bristle at the
thought of being talked into and guilted into things. i knew i wanted
to breastfeed but i didn't want the friend who was breastfeeding her 4
yr old to get too cozy with my plan.
i told everyone i was going to try for 6 months, then see how it went.
it turns out my daughter was born with severe heart defects, had
surgery at 5 days and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. there were lots of
opportunities for doctors or nurses to convince me that formula was
best for any number of reasons but no one tried and i continued with my
plan. (btw, this is not to say they didnt accidentally on purpose screw
up and give her formula when i wasnt around. i chalked it up to
laziness in not checking her file and time saving in their busy days)
my friends also had the good sense to back off and not pressure me.
we had no problems with breastfeeding. no latch issues, no supply
issues, no contrary doctors. at 6 months, things were going well so
there was no reason to stop. i decided to try to continue and see how
it went. maybe go till i returned to work.
at 9 months i returned to work. my body and my baby both adjusted
quickly to an evening and mornings schedule. no pumping, homo milk
during the day.
with her 1st birthday came a second surgery. i wasn't going to take
away one of the few comforts i could offer her during her hospital
stay, so breastfeeding continued.
at 19 months it stopped working so well for me. i disliked being
undressed in public by a hungry toddler. that was my personal line. i
decided to wean her using the same try and see method. i'd cut out the
second morning feed and the second evening feed. that went fine. so i
cut the first evening feed. still fine. so i cut the morning feed. also
fine. the last to go was the nurse to sleep feed, but one day i skipped
it in our evening routine. she went happily to sleep. and that was the
end of our breastfeeding, no turning back.
so at every step, i had an idea of what i wanted but none of it was
ever etched in stone. it wasnt baby-led, but it was baby-accommodating.
if at any point she'd objected, i would have altered my path.
wait and see worked for us. but i know what you mean. i agree with you
though, a lot of people who approach breastfeeding with a wait and see
attitude are giving themselves and easy out or a planned escape hatch.
nancy

cjra wrote:
I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

Now, I will add this group also h as a lot of people who say they will
bf for 4 weeks then switch to formula. And many who say they tried and
couldn' tbecause they didn't have enough milk, baby wasn't gaining
weight, all-knowing doc/nurse told them to supplement, milk didn't come
in until day 5 so the nurses said they had to supplement with formula
so baby won't starve. etc.

I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

Now, I will add this group also h as a lot of people who say they will
bf for 4 weeks then switch to formula. And many who say they tried and
couldn' tbecause they didn't have enough milk, baby wasn't gaining
weight, all-knowing doc/nurse told them to supplement, milk didn't come
in until day 5 so the nurses said they had to supplement with formula
so baby won't starve. etc.

I'm entirely 100% convinced you are correct, I was exactly the same, when
other people I knew who were having babies were buying bottles and
sterilisers just in case and had a supply of formula cartons, all I had
bought was breastpads and nipple cream. I was going to breastfeed and that
was that. I also knew that with 24hr supermarkets that if there was a
genuine emergency, with the exception of midnight to 11am and 5pm to
midnight on a Sunday we could have formula and a bottle available within
half an hour, but I figured that having to go out and get it was enough of a
buffer if we did go through a difficult patch. My experience of
breastfeeding has been a bit wierd, problem free for 6 weeks, couldn't see
what all the fuss was about, then everything under the sun thrown at us
after that, but here we are, I'm feeding number 2 at the moment who is
currently 14 months, no plans to stop.

Anne

Well, I thought I was prepared for everything, and then I ended up with a
child who just plain couldn't nurse. The "try and see" focus is the only
reason I've been able to pump-because if I had felt, on day 1, when I was in
tears trying to pump with a hand pump, that this was it for the next two
years, I'd have quit right then.

But, I could say "OK, I'll try the electric pump for a week (the first
rental), and then "well, let's renew for a month", and then, "we've made it
to 6 weeks, let's keep going". So I had goals-1 week, 6 weeks, 6 months, 1
year. Currently I've been pumping 20 months-and plan to make it to age 2
with Alli getting at least some breast milk. But it took those intermediate
goals to get there.

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music Specialist/Kindermusik
Mother to Angel Brian Anthony 1/1/2002, 22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
And Allison Joy, 11/25/04 (35 weeks, PIH, Pre-term labor)

cjra wrote:

I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

De-lurking here. While I knew that breastfeeding was good, I was kind
of ambivelent about it prior to having DD but after doing alot of
research decided that I should definitely try. (If it makes a
difference I was an older first time mom (38 when DD was born).


Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

What I found to be more constructive was to commit to small goals
rather than just leave it as vague as "I'll try and see" and I'd offer
that as a suggestion to anyone starting out with that attitude.

I had read and heard enough that the first six weeks especially is often
difficult so to decided that no matter what I would nurse for 6 weeks
and then evaluate. I did have a fairly low point at about 2 weeks
with a bleeding and painful nipple but got really good assistance from
the LC at my pediatricians office and got through it.

Once I got past the six week growth spurt, things were easier
and so set the goal to make it three months and then evaluate. At
three months I set the goal to six months. By the time I got to six
months, switching to formula seemed like a lot more bother and I set
my next goal to 1 year.

At a year I didn't bother setting a goal and she ended up weaning at
24 months. I never would have thought I'd have nursed anywhere that
long when we first started ( 2 years seemed like an eternity starting
out).

"cjra" wrote in message
ups.com...
I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."


I do think this is *generally* a less successful approach to nursing.

I'm about to make a slightly strained analogy so bear with me and suggest a
better one if you can. If a teenager believes, from his family or on his
own, church, whatever, that alcohol is bad, wrong, etc. and he WILL not
drink, he's less likely to never take a first drink.

Now -- is alcohol bad and wrong? I don't think so. My kids won't grow up
with that message, and I would expect some naughtiness to ensue in the
teenage years.

So some of us start with the idea that nursing is the only way and formula
is a bad idea. Maybe those few of us who fail, fail the emotionally hard
way. But I'd bet more of our babies are nursed for longer.

The fact is, given the opportunity, nursing works out very well the vast
majority of the time. Like birth. It cannot be otherwise. We are mammals.

I never contemplated weaning an infant. I'm contemplating weaning some
toddlers on a daily basis, but I digress.

cjra wrote:
I am curious to hear other's perspectives. On another parenting board,
where most of the members are young and first time moms, I read so
often that they will 'try breastfeeding and if it doesn't go well,
stop."

Now, normally I'm all for trying and being realistic. But at least for
me, such an attitude would have doomed us to failure. Thanks to being a
lurker here for years, I was fully prepared for the difficulties. My
attitude was "it WILL work. We WILL work through the difficult parts."
Anything else seemed to be accepting defeat before even trying.

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

Now, I will add this group also h as a lot of people who say they will
bf for 4 weeks then switch to formula. And many who say they tried and
couldn' tbecause they didn't have enough milk, baby wasn't gaining
weight, all-knowing doc/nurse told them to supplement, milk didn't come
in until day 5 so the nurses said they had to supplement with formula
so baby won't starve. etc.


When I was first pg, I really didn't want to breastfeed tbh. There was a
hole lot of reasons, and I just wasn't into the idea. I bought bottles,
sterilisers etc, but no formula as I wanted to wait til nearer the
birth. Then, when I turned 6 months pg, my milk arrived, which freaked
me out, as I really didn't expect it to. However, once I got over the
shock, I decided my body obviously knew what it was doing and I would
give breastfeeding a try, and when DD was born, that's exactly what I
did. I'm glad I was never determined though, as (partly thanks to the
midwife at the hospital who told me not to let Jessica snack, and that
she must have set feed times from birth!) the first few weeks were so
tough and I had to express and eventually supplement. Had I been
determined, I would have felt a total failure, which the community
midwife tried to make me feel like the next day anyway. My back hurt
from feeding in the wrong position, my hand hurt from hand expressing
(my manual pump was useless) and I didn't know to "sandwich" behind the
nipple when my boobs were really big and engorged and she was too little
to feed. Having now worked through all these issues, I'm happily
breastfeeding totally. I'm aiming for 6 months, and will see where we're
at when deciding to continue - If I go on further than that, fantastic,
but if I'm supplementing again by then, then I know I'll have at least
have given her the best possible start. As for when I have #2, I'll have
a better idea of what I'm doing, but I still won't set my expectations
too high.

Interesting question though I've enjoyed reading other people's
replies

Lucy

"cjra" wrote in message
ups.com...

Is that just me? Did you find the 'I will try and see" attitude worked
for you? Especially when it was difficult at first?

That was pretty much my attitude when my DD was born. I was a first-time mom
who knew only the very basics of b/fing (mainly the various b/fing holds and
many of the benefits of b/fing). Most people I knew IRL had b/fed for six
months or less. I was determined to try b/fing DD and was just hoping to
make a go of it for at least a short time. In preparation for her coming
home from the hospital, we hadn't bought any formula, but we did take the
formula samples home with us "just in case." At first, I had set a goal of
b/fing for at least a month. After I met that goal, I moved it out to three
months. Once my supply and her demand evened out (at around 3-4 months or
so), and things got *much* easier, I knew that we would be b/fing for a long
time to come (I had no idea back then that we would be going until after she
turned three!).

I must say that things were *very* difficult when she was a newborn. She
never seemed satisfied with my supply and would scream at the breast on a
nightly basis. (Out of desperation, we did give in a couple of times and try
a bottle with formula, but fortunately for us, she refused all bottles.) She
also had reflux. I started lurking in here and gathered tons of information.
I really believe that this group is what "saved" me. I think an awful lot of
people just don't have the support and/or information they need to establish
and maintain a good b/fing relationship. I certainly wasn't expecting it to
be so hard in the beginning, and without the information I received from
this group, I might very well have thrown in the towel early on, not knowing
how much better and easier things would get just a short time later.

Now that I'm expecting twins, it's a whole other ballgame. Of course I'm
going to try to b/f them exclusively, but we'll see how it goes.

Mary
--
Mommy to Rayna 1/20/03
Daughters #2 and 3 to make their grand entrance into the world on 9/25/06!