Bullies at a birthday party

Vickie wrote:

Yep, got it. The weird thing will be what her response will be?
1- Look at me as if my boy is a wimp, criticize my decision
2- Promise she will handle the situation
3- Tell me it is about her son and his birthday and that mine should
be there for him
4- Give me the roll of the eyes and a big sigh of OK. (hate that one,
makes you feel like you are a troublemaker)


I know, I know - working on not caring what people think and getting a
backbone. She is family so it is hard, is all.

Well, "Thanks for the invite, but it looks like we just won't be able to
make it. Hope your son has a great time!" is a perfectly legitimate
alternative, if you prefer. (If you don't want to give reasons, then I
really would keep it that vague - even 'plans' is a bit too specific.)

There is actually one slight concern I would have about telling her the
reason why he doesn't want to attend, and that would be the possibility
that she might then tell her son who would then tell the bullies (or
whatever you want to call them - Ericka's point taken here), and that it
*might* rebound on your son. I don't know whether other people think
that this is a genuine concern or whether I'm making too much of the
possibility?


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

In article .com,
Vickie wrote:
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

I had something similar with my DD. We talked about the pros and cons of
attending the party, and what types of strategies she could use to
deal with the girl who likes to tease DD. We also discussed options
like attending only part of the party. I made it clear that if she
wanted to attend all or part, that was fine, and if she didn't, she
would be "busy".

In the end, DD decided to attend the party. The girl who teases DD
wasn't able to attend, so in this case DD didn't regret her
decision. But how it turned out is less important than the fact that
(at a similar age to your son) she was old enough to make her own
decision.

Carol

On Thu, 05 Jul 2007 22:37:54 +0100, Sarah Vaughan wrote:

Banty wrote:
[...]
But I *do* think this wouldn't even begin to be a question if there were a bunch
of adult people there who would bully an adult. You'd be crazy to go. And you
wouldn't be thinking "sooner or later I have to learn to deal with this so maybe
this is a learning experience". You would not go.

Not necessarily. If it was a party I wanted to go to, I probably
wouldn't let the presence of bullies put me off, on the basis that I
wouldn't see why the hell I should let them intimidate me out of going
to something I wanted to go to.

Not Banty here. I don't think it's a matter of intimidation. It's just
not pleasant being around people who are bullies so I don't do it. A party
like that is not one I'd want to be at. It would ruin the festive mood for
me to have to constantly stick up for myself or otherwise be on my toes.

On Jul 5, 2:13 pm, "Stephanie" wrote:
"Vickie" wrote in message

ups.com...





On Jul 5, 12:27 pm, "Stephanie" wrote:
"Vickie" wrote in message

groups.com...

Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

I would not only not insist he go, I would *tell her why.* Why hide the
fact that these two are bullies?

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?

No.

Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie

Don't make him go and tell her why.- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Yep, got it. The weird thing will be what her response will be?

Yeah contemplating that sucks.

1- Look at me as if my boy is a wimp, criticize my decision

How about ... look at MOM, Mom is a wimp. I find that a good deal easier to
handle!

2- Promise she will handle the situation
3- Tell me it is about her son and his birthday and that mine should
be there for him

If she says that, then she is a heel!

4- Give me the roll of the eyes and a big sigh of OK. (hate that one,
makes you feel like you are a troublemaker)

I know, I know - working on not caring what people think and getting a
backbone. She is family so it is hard, is all.

Vickie

You need to work on your inner bitch! Just kidding. It is a kinda sucky. *I*
personally find it liberating that I don't give a rats ass what most peopel
think of me. But I realize I am in the minority. The only thing I would
worry about is hurting a SIL's feelings, and by extension making trouble for
a brother.

Best fo luck.- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

You *know* I can be a bitch. Just not when it comes to what people
think of me. It is WAY sucky. And I hope someday I really won't give
a sh** what other people think of me (except my husband & kids of
course).

Vickie

On Jul 5, 2:37 pm, Sarah Vaughan wrote:
Banty wrote:

[...]

But I *do* think this wouldn't even begin to be a question if there were a bunch
of adult people there who would bully an adult. You'd be crazy to go. And you
wouldn't be thinking "sooner or later I have to learn to deal with this so maybe
this is a learning experience". You would not go.

Not necessarily. If it was a party I wanted to go to, I probably
wouldn't let the presence of bullies put me off, on the basis that I
wouldn't see why the hell I should let them intimidate me out of going
to something I wanted to go to.

That is exactly how I feel. But it is my son, not me (like you said).

Vickie

On Jul 5, 2:54 pm, () wrote:
In article .com,





Vickie wrote:
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

I had something similar with my DD. We talked about the pros and cons of
attending the party, and what types of strategies she could use to
deal with the girl who likes to tease DD. We also discussed options
like attending only part of the party. I made it clear that if she
wanted to attend all or part, that was fine, and if she didn't, she
would be "busy".

In the end, DD decided to attend the party. The girl who teases DD
wasn't able to attend, so in this case DD didn't regret her
decision. But how it turned out is less important than the fact that
(at a similar age to your son) she was old enough to make her own
decision.

Carol- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Oh, I am almost certain he is dead set against going. Talked to hubby
about it, who is big on facing things, and even he is up in the air
about it. Probably because it is his sis.

Vickie

On Jul 5, 2:31 pm, Jeff wrote:
Vickie wrote:
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie

It seems to me that one thing that you could do is talk to SIL and
explain the problem. If he spends time at the cousins, it is probably a
good idea, even without the party.

jeff- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

He spends some time there. They live so close. But I know when the 2
neighbor boys he dislikes come out because he returns home pretty
quickly before anything goes down.
SIL is kind of a ditz. She has been told before about my son not
getting along with the 2 boys (and her son at times because he follows
along), but she probably has too much on her mind to consider it.
Besides it is her sons party, he can invite who he wants.

Vickie

On Thu, 05 Jul 2007 15:26:35 -0700, Vickie wrote:

SIL is kind of a ditz. She has been told before about my son not
getting along with the 2 boys (and her son at times because he follows
along), but she probably has too much on her mind to consider it.
Besides it is her sons party, he can invite who he wants.

Well then, she should need no explanation.

In article Cqdji.32920$Of2.25879@trnddc06, Jeff says...

Vickie wrote:
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie


It seems to me that one thing that you could do is talk to SIL and
explain the problem. If he spends time at the cousins, it is probably a
good idea, even without the party.

jeff

Good idea if SIL is the kind of person to 'get' this kind of problem.

I'd wait until well after the party, though, not to have pressure about the
party.

Banty

In article , Sarah Vaughan says...

Banty wrote:
[...]
But I *do* think this wouldn't even begin to be a question if there were a bunch
of adult people there who would bully an adult. You'd be crazy to go. And you
wouldn't be thinking "sooner or later I have to learn to deal with this so maybe
this is a learning experience". You would not go.

Not necessarily. If it was a party I wanted to go to, I probably
wouldn't let the presence of bullies put me off, on the basis that I
wouldn't see why the hell I should let them intimidate me out of going
to something I wanted to go to.


Oh I wouldn't either, if I otherwise wanted to go, beleive me ;-)

On the other hand, especially if it were a small gathering, depending on the
particulars, having certain individuals present *might* pretty much spoil my
enjoyment of it and I'd decline. So it would make it something I just didn't
want to attend. I'd spend all evening listening to that person talking about
himself, or some other thing like that. Bleah - social gatherings are supposed
to be fun why go if I can reasonably anticipate it won't be fun for me.

My main point is that adults decide and accept or decline on this basis all the
time (although they know how to not make that obvious). Unless it's something
like an immediate family wedding, it's a perfectly rational thing to do. But
somehow, often people think a kid should go through all kinds of situations to
"learn how to handle it", when, in real life as an adult, a perfectly good way
of "handling it" would be not to go!

(This is not to say that I think that the OP's son *should* go. As I
said, I think the best thing would be for him to decide for himself,
which, according to the original post, he hasn't yet done. Just trying
to give another viewpoint, to show one reason why I don't feel we should
be assuming what he should or shouldn't do.)

I agree, it's up to the kid.

Banty