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#11
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
This issue was brought up in our birthing class the other night.
Basically...you can't spoil a baby. They do cry for a reason and when you respond they learn a bit more of trust. When your baby cries, go ahead and pick her up! I think that you can say something family/friends who are making comments. Another poster (either Donna or Leslie) wrote some comments down that were really nice and inoffensive. You can't spoil a newborn. They cry for a reason. Good job and hearing her cues and responding to her. -- M~Elizabeth To thine own self be true |
#12
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"Jill" wrote in message om... This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in a different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment parenting is the style for me. "My parenting ideas are as flawed and crazy as anyone else's." Lather, rinse, repeat. So people are telling us things that I'm sure you all can guess. "You've got to get her used to her crib." "You've got to teach her to stay put down or you'll never get anything done besides her." When Meg was little, I could accomplish pretty much anything while slinging her. Now that she's 20 pounds, she's more than happy playing by herself a good bit of the time. And remember when they get older, they go down for long naps. "You get her started sleeping in your bed and you will have big problems getting her out!" (again-- she is 2 weeks old!! not 2 years old). There is no sweeter time to be a parent than when your child is asleep. They are so cute when they are sleeping. Why would I want her in another room??? As long as she isn't kicking me in the head, she can stay as long as she wants. If I have babies 15 mos apart, I rather imagine both will stay with us until BOTH are ready to share a separate bed, together. What will that make Meg, three or four? "When you pick her up everytime she cries, she will start crying every time you put her down." etc etc. "You are creating a spoiled young 'un". It's insecure, unattached children that are clingy. JUST WAIT until you want to cuddle her and she pushes you away It would be psycholigically abusive to "train" an infant to not need her mother's presence and touch. When they feel loved, they grow independent much too quickly. -- Dagny Mom to Meg, 10/03 EDD 1/19/05 |
#13
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
Jill wrote:
Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No! It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal, and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it. It won't do a darned thing to put her down and let her cry at this stage. Personally, I don't subscribe to any particular brand of parenting. I believe in doing what works and meets the needs of everyone involved. Here is what worked for us: 1) I don't think it does any good to put a newborn down and let her cry. That doesn't "get her used to it." It tells her that people won't meet her needs, which makes her *more* likely to cry. 2) On the other hand, I don't carry my babies all the time either. I put them down frequently when I have something to do. If they fuss, I pick them back up again. If not, I leave them down for a bit so I can get X done. This gives them the *opportunity* to develop some comfort with being put down a bit WHEN they're happy to be put down a bit. If you are always carrying them, then the carrying can become a habit after a while and they can be uncomfortable with not being carried simply because it's so unfamiliar. But I think it's pretty much intuitively obvious that having them spend time wailing is not the way to win them over to enjoying being put down. 3) I generally put my babes to sleep in their own cradle/ crib. HOWEVER, at times I would cuddle them to sleep, or keep them in bed after a nighttime feeding or whatever. I chose that because it works best for me and my kids didn't complain. I don't think that co-sleeping presents any issues before six months or so. After that, I think you run the risk of building a long term habit. If you are fine with longer term co-sleeping, then no problem. If you do not want to be co-sleeping at a year/eighteen months, then I think you're best off to wean off of it around six months or the transition is likely to be more difficult. 4) Babies can't manipulate in the sense of deciding to engage in a behavior designed to get you to do something you don't want to do. They do develop routines/habits/preferences. So I don't think the issue is completely black and white. As an example, I do not think that you can spoil a baby by picking her up when she cries. I *do* think that if you never put the child down, over time you make it increasingly more likely that she will cry if you do put her down (because it becomes unfamiliar). That is a big of a chicken and egg issue, and it's something where it's much harder to fix a problem that has developed than to avoid the problem in the first place. That's why I always put babies down for a few seconds here or there when they're content to be put down. It gives them a little practice that you can build on over time, but the key is that it only helps if they actually *are* content while they're down. You could also ask what the heck you do with a baby who is *never* content to be put down. I haven't a clue. Mine have always been willing, even if only for 15-30 seconds in the beginning. And, of course, I think it's completely and totally ridiculous to worry about this sort of thing before 6 weeks. I don't know why anyone would put such a wee one down, except maybe while they're sleeping. They're too darned cute not to cuddle. Best wishes, Ericka |
#14
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
Jill:
It sounds like you really have your hands full at your house, having to justify your decisions all the time! However, it sounds like you did learn something important during your first week of BFing....you have to stand up for what you believe in. When you have family that is not supportive of BFing or co-sleeping (which can be extremely beneficial to the BFing relationship, plus make for a well-rested mom) you have to stand your ground. They are trying to make you panic about the harm your decisions might cause. You now know formula was completely not necessary and indeed may have been harmful itself: Small wonder your milk took a while to come in! And just because your baby gulps formula hungrily does not mean she needs it or wants it. But now you know that your inital instincts were right. Have the courage of your convictions! Do not argue with these people. Constant repititon of; "How interesting! I'll keep that in mind!" to unwanted advice destined to sidetrack you will eventually get the point across (or drive them crazy!) But do not give in. It is just ridiculous to think you could spoil a newborn. I wouldn't give it another thought. I am a firm believer that when you fulfill your children's needs, you build secure children who can move on to meet new milestones. My first two children BF'ed till past age two. Baby hood was spent in my bed. Over age one, I started them out in their own cribs/rooms, but always ended up spending part of the night sleeping with them if they woke up to nurse at night. Past age 2.5, each was weaned ( one self weaned, one with some help!) and sleeping the entire night alone. A couple of days of transition, and they were fine. Once they no longer needed co-sleeping and BFing, they never looked back - since those days, they have always gone promptly to bed and slept through the night. We have never had to sit in their rooms while they went to sleep nor have we had little visitors in our room in the middle of the night (night terrors aside). I now have a 7 month old and can't imagine parenting any other way. My litte one is not as taken with co-sleeping and prefers to sleep alone part of the night. He usually starts out in his crib (in my room) and then joins me later in the night for BFing. Sometimes he spends the rest of the night with me, sometimes he gets restless and ends up back in his crib. I have complete confidence that once again, if I follow his lead and work with it, he will end up being a competent sleeper like his siblings. Of course a newborn wants to be held! Eventually, she is likely to settle down and accept periods of being away from you. Personally, my baby has deeply enjoyed his aquarium bouncer, a fine resting place while I deal with the other kids and household chores. Follow her lead like you are doing and you'll both be fine! Best wishes, Karen |
#15
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
Jill wrote:
This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in a different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment parenting is the style for me. You know, I'd give you advice but you so obviously don't need it. :P Sounds like you're doing an EXCELLENT job. You mind and heart are exactly where they should be. So keep doing exactly what you're doing. And no, there's no way you can spoil a 2 week old baby. *shaking head* People can be such dorks. ~Daednu |
#16
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"Jill" wrote in message om... This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in a different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment parenting is the style for me. I feel so close and in tune with my baby and breastfeeding is enhancing that bond. I never thought I'd cosleep but that is wonderful. And she's NEW- she's just 2 weeks old! When she cries she always has a need. Her diaper needs changing, she's hungry, cold/hot, or sometimes, she just wants to be held. She WILL stay put down -- on my bed. She doesn't like the crib, and she halfway tolerates the PackNPlay's bassinett which is right beside the bed. I just think she wants to be put down where she realizes mommy and daddy are close or come around often. Her crib is not as cozy IMO and that's why she doesn't like it-- and we don't hang around in the nursery, there is nowhere to sit. People are insisting I am spoiling her. I believe you can't spoil babies. I mean, do you BLAME them for wanting to be held and feel safe and secure and comforted???? When she cries and all other needs have been met, and I pick her up and stroke her and cuddle her, she smiles-- at 2 weeks old! And goes right off to sleep cooing. So people are telling us things that I'm sure you all can guess. "You've got to get her used to her crib." "You've got to teach her to stay put down or you'll never get anything done besides her." "You get her started sleeping in your bed and you will have big problems getting her out!" (again-- she is 2 weeks old!! not 2 years old). "When you pick her up everytime she cries, she will start crying every time you put her down." etc etc. "You are creating a spoiled young 'un". I so disagree! People act like the little 2 week old munchkin is being manipulative or something. I do NOT think cosleeping with a breastfeeding newborn is going to cause her to be 4 years old and not wanting to leave mom and daddy's bed. I think in time, she WILL use her crib, when she is a little older. I plan to cosleep with her while breastfeeding and she needs to eat in the night. What are your opinions on this? I know what Dr. Sears says but that's not convincing the extended family or my husband. My husband thinks it IS spoiling her but he knows he himself can't help treating her this way either, he hates to hear her cry, but his parents keep insisting to him that we are doing it wrong and setting ourselves up for a big PITA one day soon with a toddler who is needy and clingy. They need to butt out. They are SO sure this is spoiling the baby, I will never get them to see any differing opinion. I have to admit-- Rachel DOES cry when she doesn't want anything other than to be held. She doesn't always WANT to sleep alone, laid down...she wants to sleep in my arms or in my husband's lap. She will go out like a light with one of us holding her no matter how noisy the room is. She doesn't comfort suck much, but she does get a lot of comfort in nursing. (it's just that she's always latched on and eating-- not just improperly latched and comfort sucking)... Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No! It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal, and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it. You know it doesn't matter what they insist, I am going to keep treating my baby the same, because I can't help it! Jill Spoiling a baby is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. Babies are babies and want to be held and loved. You are on the right track with your parenting skills. Dont listen to those outdated and old styles of parenting. Attachment parenting is awesome! Cherie mom to Jakob (21 months) baby Grace EDD 8/6/04 |
#17
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"Jamie Clark" wrote I think the only person you really have to make sure is convinces is your husband. Make sure he reads all the passages in the Sears books that deal with this. -- He just encourages me to put her down and get her used to it, so that I can get something done or have time for myself. What I said to him was "Oh, ok, well if you listen to everyone else that means YOU let her cry, don't hold her, etc. You don't want to spoil your daughter." Point was taken- husband said "Well ..........of course, I know, if that's spoiling her then I am going to be spoiling her." lol. |
#18
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"Jill" wrote in message om... snip Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No! It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal, and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it. You know it doesn't matter what they insist, I am going to keep treating my baby the same, because I can't help it! You do that Jill - its not possible to "spoil" a baby with too much attention ... that's how this whole species survival thingy works with mammals. Have you noticed calves, lambs and foals are always about 2ft away from their mothers? Better yet - female Australian marsupials (specialised mammals) come equipped with a baby sling (ie pouch). FWIW I spent the first 11-12 months with DD just about permanently in my arms for (breast)feeds and sleeps, and she is a very content, inquisitive, independent, confident little girl now. She sleeps in our bed - sure - but she has also slept through the night (and I'm talking 8pm to 6am here) pretty regularly since then. I'm fairly confident that she won't want to sleep in our bed when she's a teenager She did enjoy sleeping in her bassinet (soft, warm and cosy ... and in arm's reach) when she was a baby, but her cot has always been more of play area than a sleeping area. You'll get sick of repeating yourself, but trust your own instincts ... just because your parents did something doesn't mean it was right .... alternatively you might need to invest in a pair of my patented "crap filters" ... they are free, they tune out all unwanted advice and come with the phrase "thanks for telling me" and walking away Amanda -- DD 15th August 2002 1 tiny angel Nov 2003 EDD 19th August 2004 |
#19
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"A&G&K" wrote in message ... "Jill" wrote in message om... snip Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No! It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal, and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it. You know it doesn't matter what they insist, I am going to keep treating my baby the same, because I can't help it! You do that Jill - its not possible to "spoil" a baby with too much attention ... that's how this whole species survival thingy works with mammals. Have you noticed calves, lambs and foals are always about 2ft away from their mothers? Better yet - female Australian marsupials (specialised mammals) come equipped with a baby sling (ie pouch). FWIW I spent the first 11-12 months with DD just about permanently in my arms for (breast)feeds and sleeps, and she is a very content, inquisitive, independent, confident little girl now. She sleeps in our bed - sure - but she has also slept through the night (and I'm talking 8pm to 6am here) pretty regularly since then. I'm fairly confident that she won't want to sleep in our bed when she's a teenager She did enjoy sleeping in her bassinet (soft, warm and cosy ... and in arm's reach) when she was a baby, but her cot has always been more of play area than a sleeping area. You'll get sick of repeating yourself, but trust your own instincts ... just because your parents did something doesn't mean it was right ... alternatively you might need to invest in a pair of my patented "crap filters" ... they are free, they tune out all unwanted advice and come with the phrase "thanks for telling me" and walking away Amanda -- DD 15th August 2002 1 tiny angel Nov 2003 EDD 19th August 2004 Forgot to add there is another great book / web page you might like to check out : http://www.pinky-mychild.com/ I'm going to buy some of her books this time around ("Parenting by Heart" and "100 ways to calm the crying"). Here's a little of what she has to say about "spoiling" a crying baby: 'Respond quickly: You can't spoil a little baby, but if you leave her to cry, she will become more upset as her crying picks up momentum. Soon she won't even know why she was crying in the first place -she will just be crying because she can't stop and will be much harder to settle. If you are breastfeeding, it is particularly important to respond quickly to hunger cues: a baby who is left to work up to a full-blown cry will have a more disorganised suck and may have difficulty latching on correctly, or she may only suck for a short time before she falls asleep with exhaustion.' The other info I was going to mention (which might be worth giving to your in-laws / parnets to read) is some info on the psychological effects of controlled crying (ie crying it out whilst getting used to the cot). http://www.aeca.org.au/Controled%20Crying.pdf Hang in there Amanda -- DD 15th August 2002 1 tiny angel Nov 2003 EDD 19th August 2004 |
#20
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Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting
"A&G&K" wrote in message ... You'll get sick of repeating yourself, but trust your own instincts ... just because your parents did something doesn't mean it was right ... alternatively you might need to invest in a pair of my patented "crap filters" ... they are free, they tune out all unwanted advice and come with the phrase "thanks for telling me" and walking away Alternatively, there is the slightly more blunt approach: "You raised your child, now I am raising mine. I am the one who lives with her, and I choose what behaviors I am willing to accept. In return, I will have to live with the consequences. Thank you for your concern." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Memorize it. Eventually they'll get disgusted and shut up, but at least they'll shut up. --angela |
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