Weepy 5 yo

My 5 yo son has reached the dreaded milestone of coughing his way out
of going to school. I felt bad for him and bought into it. He ended
up at school, but only after getting an hour break to run some errands
with me before he headed back and I went to work. And I felt bad
about it afterward. In the long run, I don't think I did him any favors.
It's reinforcement. And it's been getting worse lately. He did the
same thing last week.

His eyes well up and get puffy. I had a heart to heart talk with him
about what's going on in his head, but came away more confused than
when I started. He probably doesn't know why he's sad. His teacher
told me he was crying yesterday.

He started tee ball just recently. And he's bored with it. The coach
is better suited teaching 12 year olds like he typically does. (But
the league is short of volunteers ... still happy to have a coach at
all.) He's teaching overhand throwing and overhand catching to kids
who can barely fit their hands into baseball gloves. And /suprisingly/
3 of the 6 players can do the drills with no problems. Who knew. But
my son tears up out of boredom and frustration and just starts the
cool kid cry. (Tears, puffy eyes, but no wailing)

I used 15 minutes out of the 45 minute practice for a pep talk.
And then the whole "cough cough" "can I have a drink of water?" stall
tactics began. Aye, geez, then there was the hang nail incident.
I won't go into that other than to comment that I'm glad it was
a practice.

Can't let him quit. But being gentle doesn't seem to work either.
I don't want him to be emotionally detached. But I want him to be
in control of his emotions. I tried telling him that the only time
to cry is if his dog passes away or he's bleeding all over the place.
He laughed and took the point well. Yet he still can't control his
emotions.

And wisdom to share? Be patient? Actively try to curb this and
point him in the right direction?

Thanks ...

Can't let him quit. But being gentle doesn't seem to work either.
I don't want him to be emotionally detached. But I want him to be
in control of his emotions. I tried telling him that the only time
to cry is if his dog passes away or he's bleeding all over the place.
He laughed and took the point well. Yet he still can't control his
emotions.

Why cant you let him quit? isnt there another sport you could do together
that is not borring? I would rather rip out my nails from the roots then to
play t-ball. I always loved playing Basketball though.

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/02
Xavier 10/04

Tori M. wrote:
Can't let him quit. But being gentle doesn't seem to work either.
I don't want him to be emotionally detached. But I want him to be
in control of his emotions. I tried telling him that the only time
to cry is if his dog passes away or he's bleeding all over the
place.
He laughed and took the point well. Yet he still can't control his
emotions.

Why cant you let him quit? isnt there another sport you could do
together
that is not borring? I would rather rip out my nails from the roots
then to
play t-ball. I always loved playing Basketball though.

Tori

I agree. Baseball (or T-ball) has got to be uber boring for kids your
son's age. All that sitting around watching someone else play. It's
boring for older kids too, which is why it's not a recommended sport
for kids who need to be up and running and *doing* something. Why not
put him into something where he can actually be playing most of the
time? Basketball is a good idea, or swimming or gymnastics....
anything but baseball!

dragon

On Thu, 3 Mar 2005 16:16:39 +0000 (UTC), Kevin
scribbled:

And wisdom to share? Be patient? Actively try to curb this and
point him in the right direction?

Let him quit. I understand the desire to have kids follow-through and
not let a team down, but frankly, at 5 that lesson gets lost.
When my son was 5 he preferred soccer at the YMCA. Lots of kids that
young just don't do well in sports that require patience and
inactivity.
As far as the crying goes.... I think you should just back off and let
him do as he sees fit. He'll learn to control his emotions on his
own.

Nan

"dragon" wrote in message
ups.com...
Tori M. wrote:
Can't let him quit.

Why cant you let him quit? isnt there another sport you could do
together that is not borring? I would rather rip out my nails from
the roots then to play t-ball. I always loved playing Basketball
though.

I agree. Baseball (or T-ball) has got to be uber boring for kids your
son's age. All that sitting around watching someone else play. It's
boring for older kids too, which is why it's not a recommended sport
for kids who need to be up and running and *doing* something. Why not
put him into something where he can actually be playing most of the
time? Basketball is a good idea, or swimming or gymnastics....
anything but baseball!

Also, FWIW, organized team sports are *highly* overrated for the early
elementary school set (K-3 or thereabouts). Some kids in this age range
enjoy team sports, but a lot of them don't, and there really isn't much
benefit to making a kindergartener stick with a team sport if he isn't
enjoying it. To the contrary, there could be a lot of downside--he may hate
t-ball so much that he never wants to try any form of baseball again, even
though five years down the road he might well find baseball a lot of fun.

So, personally, if he's not enjoying it, I'd let him quit. I let my daughter
quit soccer at a similar age (and after she was the one who said she wanted
to do it). It just wasn't worth the struggle, frankly.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3 today)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

"Kevin" wrote in message
...
My 5 yo son has reached the dreaded milestone of coughing his way out
of going to school. I felt bad for him and bought into it. He ended
up at school, but only after getting an hour break to run some errands
with me before he headed back and I went to work. And I felt bad
about it afterward. In the long run, I don't think I did him any favors.
It's reinforcement. And it's been getting worse lately. He did the
same thing last week.

His eyes well up and get puffy. I had a heart to heart talk with him
about what's going on in his head, but came away more confused than
when I started. He probably doesn't know why he's sad. His teacher
told me he was crying yesterday.

He started tee ball just recently. And he's bored with it. The coach
is better suited teaching 12 year olds like he typically does. (But
the league is short of volunteers ... still happy to have a coach at
all.) He's teaching overhand throwing and overhand catching to kids
who can barely fit their hands into baseball gloves. And /suprisingly/
3 of the 6 players can do the drills with no problems. Who knew. But
my son tears up out of boredom and frustration and just starts the
cool kid cry. (Tears, puffy eyes, but no wailing)

I used 15 minutes out of the 45 minute practice for a pep talk.
And then the whole "cough cough" "can I have a drink of water?" stall
tactics began. Aye, geez, then there was the hang nail incident.
I won't go into that other than to comment that I'm glad it was
a practice.

Can't let him quit. But being gentle doesn't seem to work either.
I don't want him to be emotionally detached. But I want him to be
in control of his emotions. I tried telling him that the only time
to cry is if his dog passes away or he's bleeding all over the place.
He laughed and took the point well. Yet he still can't control his
emotions.

And wisdom to share? Be patient? Actively try to curb this and
point him in the right direction?

Thanks ...

Personally, I would not make my kid face whatever deamon is driving him to
avoidance until such time as he could understand what he was feeling and
express it. My son is 4, I do not know if there is a big development leap in
this area in 1/2 a year. But a lot of times he does not *understand* his own
emotions let alone have any capacity to express them.

This tball thing, it sounds like there is something about it that he
dislikes enthusiastically enough to make a deal out of avoiding it. I would
concede to him that if he does not like it he can do something else.

Also, I don't really understand your comments about the only time to cry is
when you dog dies, but I would not expect a 5 yo to always be able to
control their emotions. I think that is learned over time by observing well
modeled control by adults, not by being told to control your emotions. Is
there something wrong with a 5yo crying? I still do it on occaision. And
only experience tells when something is "bad enough" to "warrant" crying.

Those are my thoughts. Good luck.

Stephanie

Stephanie wrote:
"Kevin" wrote in message
...
My 5 yo son has reached the dreaded milestone of coughing his way
out
of going to school. I felt bad for him and bought into it. He
ended
up at school, but only after getting an hour break to run some
errands
with me before he headed back and I went to work. And I felt bad
about it afterward. In the long run, I don't think I did him any
favors.
It's reinforcement. And it's been getting worse lately. He did
the
same thing last week.

His eyes well up and get puffy. I had a heart to heart talk with
him
about what's going on in his head, but came away more confused than
when I started. He probably doesn't know why he's sad. His
teacher
told me he was crying yesterday.

He started tee ball just recently. And he's bored with it. The
coach
is better suited teaching 12 year olds like he typically does.
(But
the league is short of volunteers ... still happy to have a coach
at
all.) He's teaching overhand throwing and overhand catching to
kids
who can barely fit their hands into baseball gloves. And
/suprisingly/
3 of the 6 players can do the drills with no problems. Who knew.
But
my son tears up out of boredom and frustration and just starts the
cool kid cry. (Tears, puffy eyes, but no wailing)

I used 15 minutes out of the 45 minute practice for a pep talk.
And then the whole "cough cough" "can I have a drink of water?"
stall
tactics began. Aye, geez, then there was the hang nail incident.
I won't go into that other than to comment that I'm glad it was
a practice.

Can't let him quit. But being gentle doesn't seem to work either.
I don't want him to be emotionally detached. But I want him to be
in control of his emotions. I tried telling him that the only time
to cry is if his dog passes away or he's bleeding all over the
place.
He laughed and took the point well. Yet he still can't control his
emotions.

And wisdom to share? Be patient? Actively try to curb this and
point him in the right direction?

Thanks ...

Personally, I would not make my kid face whatever deamon is driving
him to
avoidance until such time as he could understand what he was feeling
and
express it. My son is 4, I do not know if there is a big development
leap in
this area in 1/2 a year. But a lot of times he does not *understand*
his own
emotions let alone have any capacity to express them.

This tball thing, it sounds like there is something about it that he
dislikes enthusiastically enough to make a deal out of avoiding it. I
would
concede to him that if he does not like it he can do something else.

Also, I don't really understand your comments about the only time to
cry is
when you dog dies, but I would not expect a 5 yo to always be able to
control their emotions. I think that is learned over time by
observing well
modeled control by adults, not by being told to control your
emotions. Is
there something wrong with a 5yo crying? I still do it on occaision.
And
only experience tells when something is "bad enough" to "warrant"
crying.

I got the sense that the OP was using exaggeration - "only if your dog
dies or you're bleeding uncontrollably" - to attempt to indicate to the
child that crying when you are emotionally or physically hurt is fine,
but crocodile tears because you're bored or trying to get out of
something, not so much.

I don't know if that tactic works or not, b/c I don't know the child
(and I only have a 2yo, who may cry over something I think is nothing,
but he really feels it is the end of the world!).

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Those are my thoughts. Good luck.

Stephanie

In article .com, Melania
says...




I got the sense that the OP was using exaggeration - "only if your dog
dies or you're bleeding uncontrollably" - to attempt to indicate to the
child that crying when you are emotionally or physically hurt is fine,
but crocodile tears because you're bored or trying to get out of
something, not so much.

I don't know if that tactic works or not, b/c I don't know the child
(and I only have a 2yo, who may cry over something I think is nothing,
but he really feels it is the end of the world!).


I got the sense it was an exaggeration, too. Hopefully he doesn't literally
meant that one shouldn't cry for other reasons. It's about having things in
perspective.

HOWEVER - kids are really concrete in their thinking, and are pretty likely to
take it literally that no dead dog, no blood, no cry.

The other thing is that five really is a tender age for controlling emotions as
you say. The OP should think of it as *moving towards* being able to control
emotions, but there's a lot of development that will have to happen in a little
five year old before much of it really happens.

Hopefully he isn't trying to teach him the "big boys don't cry" suppression of
emotions, though. Some people and kids are naturally more tender-hearted.

- Banty

"Kevin" wrote in message
...
My 5 yo son has reached the dreaded milestone of coughing his way out
of going to school. I felt bad for him and bought into it. He ended
up at school, but only after getting an hour break to run some errands
with me before he headed back and I went to work. And I felt bad
about it afterward. In the long run, I don't think I did him any favors.
It's reinforcement. And it's been getting worse lately. He did the
same thing last week.

His eyes well up and get puffy. I had a heart to heart talk with him
about what's going on in his head, but came away more confused than
when I started. He probably doesn't know why he's sad. His teacher
told me he was crying yesterday.

He started tee ball just recently. And he's bored with it. The coach
is better suited teaching 12 year olds like he typically does. (But
the league is short of volunteers ... still happy to have a coach at
all.) He's teaching overhand throwing and overhand catching to kids
who can barely fit their hands into baseball gloves. And /suprisingly/
3 of the 6 players can do the drills with no problems. Who knew. But
my son tears up out of boredom and frustration and just starts the
cool kid cry. (Tears, puffy eyes, but no wailing)

Can't let him quit.

He HAS to go to school. He doesn't HAVE to play tee-ball. As for crying at
school, don't give in to his tactics. Like you said, you're doing him no
favors. Drop him off, give him a hug, then leave without looking back. You
can feel bad in the car, but don't let him see you feel bad before then.
Eventually he'll catch on that his crocodile tears aren't working. The
sooner, the better. Good luck.
~Peggy

"Peggy" wrote in message
...

"Kevin" wrote in message
...
My 5 yo son has reached the dreaded milestone of coughing his way out
of going to school. I felt bad for him and bought into it. He ended
up at school, but only after getting an hour break to run some errands
with me before he headed back and I went to work. And I felt bad
about it afterward. In the long run, I don't think I did him any
favors.
It's reinforcement. And it's been getting worse lately. He did the
same thing last week.

His eyes well up and get puffy. I had a heart to heart talk with him
about what's going on in his head, but came away more confused than
when I started. He probably doesn't know why he's sad. His teacher
told me he was crying yesterday.

He started tee ball just recently. And he's bored with it. The coach
is better suited teaching 12 year olds like he typically does. (But
the league is short of volunteers ... still happy to have a coach at
all.) He's teaching overhand throwing and overhand catching to kids
who can barely fit their hands into baseball gloves. And /suprisingly/
3 of the 6 players can do the drills with no problems. Who knew. But
my son tears up out of boredom and frustration and just starts the
cool kid cry. (Tears, puffy eyes, but no wailing)

Can't let him quit.

He HAS to go to school. He doesn't HAVE to play tee-ball. As for crying
at
school, don't give in to his tactics. Like you said, you're doing him no
favors. Drop him off, give him a hug, then leave without looking back.
You
can feel bad in the car, but don't let him see you feel bad before then.
Eventually he'll catch on that his crocodile tears aren't working. The
sooner, the better. Good luck.
~Peggy



I concur. Different reaction based on different importance level.