urgent advice please: babysitter stealing? FULL MESSAGE

In article ,
daggy mum wrote:

Well that went as badly as can be expected. I asked her about it-
about the bikini to start off with. She said that she got it about 3
years ago but it didn't fit her until this year. I would never steal
from you, etc etc. If you don't believe me, call my mum and ask her.

I said that I had to take her word about that, but what about the
perfume. No, she would never do that either. Now I *know* that
wasn't true, so I feel a tiny crumb of vindication amidst a sea of
feeling like crap. Oh god, what a mess.

She said "if you're going to accuse me of stealing, I'm going home"
and left, in tears of course. I feel like a monster- a complete utter
monster.

dm

Sorry to hear that. Her ability to make YOU feel like the monster is
further indication that, indeed, she has a serious problem.

And, frankly, it's one of the reasons I suggested telling her what you
know rather than asking her about anything. It doesn't make it
impossible for her to lie to you, it just makes it clear that you know
she is lying, while asking invites a lie.

I'm sorry it went badly -- but the ability to manipulate others into
feeling guilty when SHE was the one who did something wrong goes with
the territory for a child who is stealing (or using drugs, or lots of
other things).

That this is a mess is *not your doing*. And, especially since she
invited you to call her mum, I think you should. Yes, it may make her
mum angry -- but if you very clearly state the things you know she did,
and make it clear that you are NOT asking for reimbursement, but
explaining that you thought that, as her parent, she'd want to know,
there's a good shot that she won't stay upset with you. As a parent of
teens, I am quite certain that MY response would not be to hold it
against the adult who told me -- especially if they didn't make
aspersions on her personality or make nasty comments about my parenting!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

On Mon, 13 Dec 2004 07:02:35 GMT, dragonlady
wrote:
Sorry to hear that. Her ability to make YOU feel like the monster is
further indication that, indeed, she has a serious problem.

And, frankly, it's one of the reasons I suggested telling her what you
know rather than asking her about anything. It doesn't make it
impossible for her to lie to you, it just makes it clear that you know
she is lying, while asking invites a lie.

I'm sorry it went badly -- but the ability to manipulate others into
feeling guilty when SHE was the one who did something wrong goes with
the territory for a child who is stealing (or using drugs, or lots of
other things).

That this is a mess is *not your doing*. And, especially since she
invited you to call her mum, I think you should. Yes, it may make her
mum angry -- but if you very clearly state the things you know she did,
and make it clear that you are NOT asking for reimbursement, but
explaining that you thought that, as her parent, she'd want to know,
there's a good shot that she won't stay upset with you. As a parent of
teens, I am quite certain that MY response would not be to hold it
against the adult who told me -- especially if they didn't make
aspersions on her personality or make nasty comments about my parenting!

Thanks. I do feel better now that a couple of hours has passed.

I did actually go see her mum this afternoon, before I confronted L.I
found the auction listing for when I "sold" the bikini and it revealed
that the top and pants had different sizes, and what they were- so I
went over to ask if I could see the bikini in question in person,
compare brands and sizes, and talk to the mum about how to approach
it. I also called her after L stormed out of here crying, because I
wanted to let her know that the lass was on her way home etc. We'll
talk again tomorrow.

I know I did the right thing but it sure wasn'tr the easy thing.

dm

In article , daggy mum says...


Thanks. I do feel better now that a couple of hours has passed.

I did actually go see her mum this afternoon, before I confronted L.I
found the auction listing for when I "sold" the bikini and it revealed
that the top and pants had different sizes, and what they were- so I
went over to ask if I could see the bikini in question in person,
compare brands and sizes, and talk to the mum about how to approach
it. I also called her after L stormed out of here crying, because I
wanted to let her know that the lass was on her way home etc. We'll
talk again tomorrow.

I know I did the right thing but it sure wasn'tr the easy thing.

dm


I haven't posted to to this thread because I honestly didn't have any bright
ideas as to how to help you (I learned some things, though).

But I do think this went as well as could be expected. Her Mom IS listenning
and working with you - so often a parent will become defensive and hostile.

And the girl's reaction IS very predictable. I've encountered the "you're
terrible to do this" thing several times in different settings - this is part of
how dishonest people operate.

Banty

daggy mum wrote:

Well that went as badly as can be expected. I asked her about it-
about the bikini to start off with. She said that she got it about 3
years ago but it didn't fit her until this year. I would never steal
from you, etc etc. If you don't believe me, call my mum and ask her.

I said that I had to take her word about that, but what about the
perfume. No, she would never do that either. Now I *know* that
wasn't true, so I feel a tiny crumb of vindication amidst a sea of
feeling like crap. Oh god, what a mess.

She said "if you're going to accuse me of stealing, I'm going home"
and left, in tears of course. I feel like a monster- a complete utter
monster.

Don't feel like a monster. Given her history, this
would be the expected outcome. It's where things go from here
that are really important, and hopefully now that her mom
knows what's going on, she'll mold the situation into an
appropriate one. Really, think about it: what were your
other options? To let this keep going on without saying
anything? To let her go without saying anything? What would
either of those things do for her future? As they say, you've
got to be part of the solution or you're part of the problem.
You chose the only thing that let you be part of the solution,
and that's in her best interest in the long run, no matter how
painful it is for you now.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Mon, 13 Dec 2004 11:12:56 +1100, eggs
wrote:

In article ,
daggy mum wrote:

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:14:16 -0900, "Peggy"
wrote:

Simple, you stop having her babysit for you.
~Peggy

well thanks. I was hoping for some ideas on how to handle the whole
situation gracefully.

~dm

It's hard to accuse someone of theft gracefully and it's even harder to
stay friends with someone after the accusation has been made. I don't
think that I would approach the mother about this issue, but I would
approach the girl. She's old enough to be confronted with her own
actions.

I disagree, again as a parent of a teenager. This assumes that the
statement that she and mom are fairly good friends.

I would approach it tactfully, however I would tell the parent, Quite
frankly if shes stealing from one person, she's probablys stealing
from others.

Barb

On Mon, 13 Dec 2004 08:04:27 -0500, Ericka Kammerer
wrote:

daggy mum wrote:

Well that went as badly as can be expected. I asked her about it-
about the bikini to start off with. She said that she got it about 3
years ago but it didn't fit her until this year. I would never steal
from you, etc etc. If you don't believe me, call my mum and ask her.

I said that I had to take her word about that, but what about the
perfume. No, she would never do that either. Now I *know* that
wasn't true, so I feel a tiny crumb of vindication amidst a sea of
feeling like crap. Oh god, what a mess.

She said "if you're going to accuse me of stealing, I'm going home"
and left, in tears of course. I feel like a monster- a complete utter
monster.

Don't feel like a monster. Given her history, this
would be the expected outcome. It's where things go from here
that are really important, and hopefully now that her mom
knows what's going on, she'll mold the situation into an
appropriate one. Really, think about it: what were your
other options? To let this keep going on without saying
anything? To let her go without saying anything? What would
either of those things do for her future? As they say, you've
got to be part of the solution or you're part of the problem.
You chose the only thing that let you be part of the solution,
and that's in her best interest in the long run, no matter how
painful it is for you now.

Best wishes,
Ericka

thanks!

dm

On 13 Dec 2004 04:56:26 -0800, Banty wrote:

In article , daggy mum says...


Thanks. I do feel better now that a couple of hours has passed.

I did actually go see her mum this afternoon, before I confronted L.I
found the auction listing for when I "sold" the bikini and it revealed
that the top and pants had different sizes, and what they were- so I
went over to ask if I could see the bikini in question in person,
compare brands and sizes, and talk to the mum about how to approach
it. I also called her after L stormed out of here crying, because I
wanted to let her know that the lass was on her way home etc. We'll
talk again tomorrow.

I know I did the right thing but it sure wasn'tr the easy thing.

dm


I haven't posted to to this thread because I honestly didn't have any bright
ideas as to how to help you (I learned some things, though).

But I do think this went as well as could be expected. Her Mom IS listenning
and working with you - so often a parent will become defensive and hostile.

And the girl's reaction IS very predictable. I've encountered the "you're
terrible to do this" thing several times in different settings - this is part of
how dishonest people operate.

Banty

Thanks, I'll talk to her mum today. I may post for more suggestions
later.

dm

Explain your concerns to her. Tell her you want to give her the benefit
of the doubt and beleive that she would not lie or steal, and give her
a chance to come clean. Open, honest without heavy handed
guiltification. That is what I would do.

YOU did the right thing. SHE is in denial and a yucky cycle of stealing
and lying beyond reason to hide it. What you did was the nicest thing
you could do for her, even if it did not feel right at the time. Good
Job. I hope there is a reconciliation and some light for the young lady
at the end of the tunnel.

YOU did the right thing. SHE is in denial and a yucky cycle of stealing
and lying beyond reason to hide it. What you did was the nicest thing
you could do for her, even if it did not feel right at the time. Good
Job. I hope there is a reconciliation and some light for the young lady
at the end of the tunnel.