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#221
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no toys please
In article , Sarah Vaughan says...
Banty wrote: In article , Sarah Vaughan says... Banty wrote: In article , Sarah Vaughan says... [...] But since neither of us have a crystal ball or ESP capacity, how can we be sure what's dumped on us vs. what's just a 'miss'? [...] Well again, how do you know? [...] OK I can understand in view of your clarification (it shouldn't have to be implied that it's *new*), but again, how do you know? Most of the time, you wouldn't. I'm honestly not sure what your point is here. Is it supposed to be OK that someone acted deceptively as long as you never get to find out about it? But what would be deceptive about it if someone doesn't take your view that gifts have to be from some kind of effort and sacrifice? Not everyone does. I wonder if it would even be a majority. Seems to me that if someone's trying to make a gift look like something they got specially, then that's because they think it ought to be something they got specially. Otherwise, why on earth not just do the obvious thing and be honest up front about what they're doing? "Hey, someone got me this wallet I can't use, but it looks like something you'd like. Want it?" (Apart from the whole subtle thing of underlying messages, there are also some practical advantages for the recipient in this approach; they can say straight out if it's *not* something they want rather than simply getting stuck with their own useless item that they want to get rid of, and they don't have to write a thank-you note unless it's obviously been a big deal for the giver to get the item to them.) What I'm finding bizarre, and what's making me uncomfortable, is this whole idea that you shouldn't tell the recipient that you're passing on something you can't use rather than getting something specially, that you should try to make it look as though you did get something specially even though you didn't. But the *point* is, there's no requirement that the gift have been bought *specially* to begin with. [...] The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. I really do think you're looking for something more on the lines of homage. No, I'm looking for something more on the lines of honesty. I don't want to be unwrapping a present and thinking "Wow, this is great, this person must have been to some trouble specially..." if those feelings are a lie. If I was looking for homage, then I would be expecting everyone to go to that trouble of getting me a present specifically. But I've said repeatedly that that isn't the case, that if someone just chooses not to get me anything full stop then that's fine as long as they don't try to make it look as though they've got me something when in fact they haven't. I guess there's no way I can get you to believe that I'm telling the truth about that if that's not what you want to believe. Again, there's no dishonesty about it. It's in your mind that the gift needed to have been bought specially. What do you think of gifts, like I described, picked up on travel? Several of different items because they're very appealing, but no particular designation? There's nothing rude about that either. You might argue that all gifts need to be bought specially, with specific separate effort and specifically for the intended recipient, but it makes no sense to say someone has been dishonest about it if they see no such requirement. They're presenting you with a gift, not a 'specially bought with you in mind every minute of the way' thing. Banty |
#222
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no toys please
Sarah Vaughan wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote: Sarah Vaughan wrote: Hmmm... I have to say that I find this whole idea that someone *might* be pretending the gift was new and that they should avoid making it obvious that it's not pretty bizarre. [...] I don't think most people look at gifts like that. I don't, and I would not expect anyone who gets a gift from me to do so. I would expect a person that I regifted to be glad if it was ALSO for my benefit that I was getting rid of something that I didn't need or want. If I saw signs that they were so greedy as to want something that was bought new then they wouldn't be getting any more gifts from me. Rosalie, I've specified over and over again since my first post in this subthread that a) I don't care whether or not someone buys me something new, or even specially (not the same as new) - if they don't want to get me a present at all, that's fine by me I don't think that many people (especially children) who would say they didn't care whether or not they got a present. (DH always says he doesn't care and we shouldn't get him presents, but I think he would be disappointed if we ignored him on his birthday) Because you see there are a LOT of occasions and a LOT of people when not giving a present is NOT AN OPTION. It isn't about you and what you would like. It is about occasions for gift giving where one does not get to chose NOT to give a gift. and b) I'm entirely happy for someone to pass on something that they can't use if it's something I might like. I don't think a parent would say to a child on his/her birthday - well I love you, but I couldn't find anything to buy, but maybe you would like this game that your sister got for her birthday. If it is a pass-along, it isn't a gift and doesn't fulfill the gift giving obligation of the occasion. The ONLY thing I'm objecting to is the thought that someone might deliberately try to make something that they want to get rid of look like something they bought specially for me (rather than simply saying "Hey, I've got such-and-such that I can't use - you want it?"). And I object to your idea that someone needs to get something specially for you or the recipient. (not "buy" - 'get') I've drawn a distinction between these different issues all the way along the discussion, but people keep ignoring this and talking as though my issue is with the person choosing not to buy me something new, regardless of how often I clarify that that isn't it and I really don't *care* about that. I truly don't know any way to make that distinction any clearer than I've already made it. I am quite clear about that. But gift giving is normally about an occasion. And whatever the source of the gift - whether it was something in my stash of age appropriate gifts that I have on hand for children's birthday parties, or whether I ran out to TRU and got something - it isn't always or only JUST the thought that counts. There ARE times when a gift should be something chosen with care for the person it is given to. And some people will manage the choosing well. But some people are lousy choosers, even when they have good intentions, and the gifts miss the mark. I've forgotten who it was who told the story about her MIL and a picture frame that she pulled from her closet - that person was clearly a person who didn't chose well, but a picture frame is a useful gift that almost anyone can use, and the MIL wanted the DIL to have a gift. When I re gift, I do it because I want the person I give the gift to to have that gift. When my MIL gave me a nightgown that was so much the wrong size that I could not possibly wear it, I put it aside to give to someone (and I still have it because I haven't found a person that I thought it was appropriate to give it to). In any case the gift is chosen for that person by me from things I have on hand that are too good to throw away. IMHO, one has to give the gift giver the benefit of the doubt and assume that they want the giftee to have a gift. That is the only thing that the giftee needs to know - not whether the gift was chosen specially - just that the giver wanted the giftee to have a gift and went to the trouble to get it to them. Of course some people are just nasty people and will give a gift to make a point or hurt someone. Maybe that is what you have in mind - someone that you thought cared for you disappointed you because you found out that they didn't get it specially for you. |
#223
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no toys please
"enigma" wrote in message . .. Banty wrote in : Back to birthday parties, with all the parties, and the common interests between kids, it's really easy to save party gifts that miss the mark for another birthday party. A toy truck is a toy truck, and many little boys like them. yup, or it's easy enough to donate them to Toys For Tots campaigns or those Pick-a-Child Holiday gift tree things. we don't have any Disney in my house, but it's not up to me to say "no Disney crap" on an invite. *my* job is to teach my kid not to say "ewwwww! Disney!" when he opens the gift... lots of people love Disney. it's easy to regift. now those Veggie Tales.... anyone have kids who won't eat veggies because they don't want to eat their 'friends'? lee LOL-We went to see relatives for DD's 1st birthday who had never seen her-the result being that almost every single gift was for a baby-as in, more like newborn, not a 1 yr old. Luckily, her birthday is so near Christmas that I could easily drop the whole kit and kaboodle in the Toys for Tots box 500 miles away, very confident that I'd never get "caught". Doesn't work as well now-if she opens it, she wants to play with it. We did pass on a few duplicates that way, though. Somewhere there is some lucky toddler who has a fisher-price zoo because DD had two relatives who were convinced she needed one. |
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