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empathy in parenting



 
 
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  #1  
Old August 22nd 03, 04:03 PM
M.E. Mitchell
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Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.


"Calla" wrote in message
om...
I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic
with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The
upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she
wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In
those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave
empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know
that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been
saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry",
"I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so
surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words.
The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to
tell her a joke to make her feel better.

I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and
reading all of the materials posted on

http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html

I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting
technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great
tools and shown me the power of empathy.

Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as
well.



  #2  
Old August 22nd 03, 10:36 PM
iphigenia
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

Calla wrote:

Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as
well.


I don't know that empathy is the specific focal point, but it sounds like
the approach outlined in Positive Parenting from A-Z.

--
iphigenia
www.tristyn.net
"i have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
i do not think that they will sing to me."


  #3  
Old August 23rd 03, 03:35 AM
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

M.E. Mitchell wrote:

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.

-----------------------------
That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD
obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others.
Dreams are supposed to come true.
Steve


"Calla" wrote in message
om...
I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic
with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The
upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she
wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In
those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave
empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know
that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been
saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry",
"I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so
surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words.
The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to
tell her a joke to make her feel better.

I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and
reading all of the materials posted on

http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html

I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting
technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great
tools and shown me the power of empathy.

Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as
well.

  #4  
Old August 23rd 03, 04:27 AM
Kane
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

"iphigenia" wrote in message ...
Calla wrote:

Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as
well.


I don't know that empathy is the specific focal point, but it sounds like
the approach outlined in Positive Parenting from A-Z.


The progenitor of all these books is Tom Gordon's (he passed away
earlier this year) book, Parent Effectiveness Training (PET).

Tom did at the beginning what others should be doing now: he made it
simple. Very.

Others appeared to take off on his work and complicate the issues.

My own training in PET in 76 brought these characteristics of
children, specifically, and humans in general into clearer focus:

We humans organize as packs (that's why dogs and not bobcats and lynx
are "man's best friend") and we crave and need validation from each
other to feel whole and complete.

Active Listening...the language of empathy...does that as nothing else
can. It is the ultimate acceptance of each other put into words.
Demonstrated, if you will;

When we are in stress our pain threshold drops, or emotional
temperature goes up, and our reasoning capacity is offset by our
survival hormones kicking in;

A word or two of empathy, as the orginator of the thread mentions
doing, can eleviate all those temporary disabling reactions;

In response to another poster, that expresses a desire to introduce
the child to the real world and its limits, Tom offers another
excellent tool: The I Message. A way to speak to another when we have
a problem with them that minimizes resistance and defensiveness and
optimizes keeping the relationship while solving the problem.

He even included some problem solving methods as I recall.

And finally, I believe he intended to point out that many of our
problems with each other are values issues. I believe one thing, you
believe something quite different. ... but if we have a non-blameful
way of confrontation, and a supportive empathetic way of expressing,
we have a much better chance of each having out beliefs honored, and a
way to find solutions that do not compromise either.

Go back to the root. Read PET.

In fact you can find Tom Gordon's website (how he came to PET is a
story in itself....he was a USA flight instructor, of all things).

http://www.thomasgordon.com/

And no, I no longer do PET training, nor do I profit from pointing you
to this site, other than the satisfaction that some will learn and
children and parents will have a more joyful and effective
relationship.

My kids are in their forties and I believe the decent well rounded
people they are is very much a product of my learning about and
parenting with PET.

Best,

Kane
  #6  
Old August 24th 03, 06:23 PM
The Puppy Wizard
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

Many books like those of harold hanson are abuse disguised as
logic... There's no appupriate way to
punish scold force or intimidate a dog or child.

"Mary Ann Tuli" wrote in message
...


Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting &

handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on

"Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this

topic as
well.


How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

Also, many of their others books have nice ideas.

Many of their ideas seem so easy and logical.

Mary Ann



  #7  
Old August 24th 03, 09:44 PM
Sue Larson
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something
else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically wanting
to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any child
or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss
something here?

Susan

"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
M.E. Mitchell wrote:

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing,

but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.

-----------------------------
That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD
obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others.
Dreams are supposed to come true.
Steve


"Calla" wrote in message
om...
I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic
with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The
upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she
wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In
those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave
empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know
that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been
saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry",
"I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so
surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words.
The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to
tell her a joke to make her feel better.

I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and
reading all of the materials posted on

http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html

I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting
technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great
tools and shown me the power of empathy.

Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling
behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love
and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as
well.



  #8  
Old August 25th 03, 02:56 AM
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

Sue Larson wrote:

I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something
else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically wanting
to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any child
or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss
something here?

Susan

----------------------
Yup. Dreams = Fantasies.

Consider if your daughter(12) announced she wanted to pick 6
husbands from her classmates and **** them in her room from now
on at the same time. That's an example of a deeply held personal
dream. Now that didn't bother us at all, our daughter HAD multiple
sex partners in her room, but I'm betting you'd go ****ing nuts.

We just set a few more places for supper and asked help from them
with the salad and macaroni, and the dishes and trash, and to keep
it quiet if they wanted to be able to **** our daughter again.
They did.
Steve


"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
M.E. Mitchell wrote:

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing,

but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.

-----------------------------
That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD
obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others.
Dreams are supposed to come true.
Steve

  #9  
Old August 25th 03, 02:57 AM
dragonlady
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

In article ,
"M.E. Mitchell" wrote:

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.


"Calla" wrote in message
om...
I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic
with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The
upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she
wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In
those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave
empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know
that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been
saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry",
"I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so
surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words.
The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to
tell her a joke to make her feel better.

I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and
reading all of the materials posted on




Well, there may well be times that kids need to be reminded that life is
not always fair -- but there is nothing inconsistant with ALSO being
empathetic. "I can see that you are really angry about that," and "Yes,
sometimes life just isn't fair" are not incompatible messages.

However, the vast majority of the time, empathizing with a child's
emotional state is MUCH more effective at helping a child cope with
life's unfairness than just saying "that's life". It sounds like
instead of saying, "I can see this is upsetting, and I acknowledge that
you are hurting" you are saying "Get over it. Stop being hurt." The
latter ("get over it") was the message I always got from my Dad, and,
for me at least, it only made me feel angrier and worse -- it NEVER
helped me "get over it". Someone acknowledging my hurt -- that helped
me get over it.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #10  
Old August 25th 03, 08:51 PM
Sue Larson
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default empathy in parenting

Only you, Steve, could see it and explain it the way you did.

Susan

"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
Sue Larson wrote:

I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something
else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically

wanting
to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any

child
or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss
something here?

Susan

----------------------
Yup. Dreams = Fantasies.

Consider if your daughter(12) announced she wanted to pick 6
husbands from her classmates and **** them in her room from now
on at the same time. That's an example of a deeply held personal
dream. Now that didn't bother us at all, our daughter HAD multiple
sex partners in her room, but I'm betting you'd go ****ing nuts.

We just set a few more places for supper and asked help from them
with the salad and macaroni, and the dishes and trash, and to keep
it quiet if they wanted to be able to **** our daughter again.
They did.
Steve


"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
M.E. Mitchell wrote:

I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be

doing,
but
in life there are responsibilities and limits.
-----------------------------
That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD
obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others.
Dreams are supposed to come true.
Steve



 




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