Paying for a kids party you have been invited too?

My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift, and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be having
one.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

Sam

"Sam" wrote in message
...
My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now
she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift, and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She
has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will
be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we
all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be
having
one.

What does DD stand for?

I agree. Go to a park or playground and just have cake, if they that is all
they can afford.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise
that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

I was kind of under the impression that these things tend to even out. You
have a party, feed people, etc. Then they have a party, feed people, etc. In
the end, everyone comes out even. If you have more financial resources than
others, you end up spending a little more. If you have less, you end up
spending a little less.

Perhaps the small gift can be a book on manners. I tend to suggest things
that aren't too subtle, however. Another thing that you can do is go in with
some other parents, and either draft a letter or get her the book on manners
(if most of the people who were invited go in on it, that might be better).
Or suggest to her closest friend that (s)he talk to her about appropriate
manners. Remember, the first birthday party is really for the adults, not
the kids (as long as they get fed and their diapers changed and someone
plays with them, they are happy, party or no party).

Jeff


Sam

Or buy a gift that's the same price as the party "price for admission" and
leave the tag on it haha.


"Jeff" wrote in message
...

"Sam" wrote in message
...
My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now
she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few
of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift,
and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She
has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it
will
be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we
all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be
having
one.

What does DD stand for?

I agree. Go to a park or playground and just have cake, if they that is
all
they can afford.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise
that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

I was kind of under the impression that these things tend to even out. You
have a party, feed people, etc. Then they have a party, feed people, etc.
In
the end, everyone comes out even. If you have more financial resources
than
others, you end up spending a little more. If you have less, you end up
spending a little less.

Perhaps the small gift can be a book on manners. I tend to suggest things
that aren't too subtle, however. Another thing that you can do is go in
with
some other parents, and either draft a letter or get her the book on
manners
(if most of the people who were invited go in on it, that might be
better).
Or suggest to her closest friend that (s)he talk to her about appropriate
manners. Remember, the first birthday party is really for the adults, not
the kids (as long as they get fed and their diapers changed and someone
plays with them, they are happy, party or no party).

Jeff


Sam

In ,
Sam wrote:

*I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
*expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we all)

Yep, it's rude.

*entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

It's not possible to say "you're being rude" without sounding rude.

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

"Sam" wrote in message ...

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will be
£5 if she wants to attend!

snip

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

You think you've heard it all, but..... :-)

I don't think I'd say anything. I would guess that the attendance is
very very limited because most parents would have the exact same
reaction as you, and would be 'busy' that weekend. I know I would. I
don't know what you *could* say that wouldn't sound condescending. I
mean, when someone goes this far over the line, what is there to say
besides, "No thank you." ?

Marjorie

In article ,
"Sam" wrote:

My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift, and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be having
one.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

Sam



Of course it is rude -- but it is also becoming not uncommon. People
will invite you to an anniversary party at a restaurant, and expect you
to pay your own bill plus a portion of the honoree's bill. I was
surprised when my kids started getting old enough to get invitations for
things that didn't include me at how often the invitation did NOT
include the host paying for it: we were caught with a high $$ outlay
that we really could not afford when my 8 yo was invited to go to a
theme park with a friend, and when the family got there to pick him up,
the parents asked if he had the $35 admission with him, or if I was
going to give it directly to them -- and suggested I should also give
him at least $20 for food for the day! (I couldn't bring myself to not
let him go at that point -- but I started being much more careful about
such invitations. I found it awkward to ask, "So, will you be paying
for him to go?" -- but got a shocked "NO!" often enough that I was glad
I asked!) I don't know when people started to issue invitations but
expect their invitee to pay their own way. Under most circumstances, I
will simply decline such invitations.

Unfortunately, there is simply no way to point out someone else's lack
of manners in a way that is not even MORE lacking in manners than the
original transgression. If she is a close friend, and later asks you
why so few people came to the party, you can gently tell her that most
people don't expect to have to pay to attend a party, but absent a
specific question from her, you are stuck saying nothing.

However, if she's a close enough friend, you might consider buying her a
copy of "Miss Manner's Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" for HER next
birthday. It's an enjoyable book to read (the woman can write!) and
will include the information that asking guests to pay their own way is
not considered proper.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

x-no-archive:yes
dragonlady wrote:

In article ,
"Sam" wrote:

My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift, and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I think the real problem here is that the child is only one year old
and your friend probably isn't very experienced and giving her the
benefit of the doubt may not realize what the norm is. I'm assuming
that your dd is older than one year old since you say you've had a few
of these parties of your own.

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be having
one.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

It's perfectly true that you will have trouble saying that she's rude
without being rude yourself. You might try to bring into conversation
something about that the children don't really enjoy a party that much
until they are older, that it is more for the relatives at that age.

And then say something line "I had a McD's party for DD when she was
age 4, and I followed the rule that you have the number of guests that
the child is old, so the party only cost me £20 and I was glad to pay
it so that I wouldn't have the work of clean-up." (substituting an
appropriate age and number)


Of course it is rude -- but it is also becoming not uncommon. People
will invite you to an anniversary party at a restaurant, and expect you
to pay your own bill plus a portion of the honoree's bill.

I agree that it has become increasingly common to be a host
in-name-only.

I was
surprised when my kids started getting old enough to get invitations for
things that didn't include me at how often the invitation did NOT
include the host paying for it: we were caught with a high $$ outlay
that we really could not afford when my 8 yo was invited to go to a
theme park with a friend, and when the family got there to pick him up,
the parents asked if he had the $35 admission with him, or if I was
going to give it directly to them -- and suggested I should also give
him at least $20 for food for the day! (I couldn't bring myself to not
let him go at that point -- but I started being much more careful about

Was this a 'party' or was it just an invitation? I have invited
children to come on trips like that with us, but all I was supplying
was the transportation, supervision, and the company. Of course I
expected the child to pay their own admission and food. I do not
think that is out of line at all. Why would you think the parents
would pay $35 for your child in addition to their own?

But I did say, up front, something like, "Would Kim like to come with
us to Kings Dominion - the admission is x$."

such invitations. I found it awkward to ask, "So, will you be paying
for him to go?" -- but got a shocked "NO!" often enough that I was glad
I asked!) I don't know when people started to issue invitations but
expect their invitee to pay their own way. Under most circumstances, I
will simply decline such invitations.

I don't think asking if a child would like to come to some kind of a
theme park with high admission fees is the same thing as inviting
someone to a birthday party. I really don't. When my grandchildren
come with me, I do pay for their admissions and food, but their
parents often give them a little money in case they want to buy
something extra.

Unfortunately, there is simply no way to point out someone else's lack
of manners in a way that is not even MORE lacking in manners than the
original transgression. If she is a close friend, and later asks you
why so few people came to the party, you can gently tell her that most
people don't expect to have to pay to attend a party, but absent a
specific question from her, you are stuck saying nothing.

However, if she's a close enough friend, you might consider buying her a
copy of "Miss Manner's Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" for HER next
birthday. It's an enjoyable book to read (the woman can write!) and
will include the information that asking guests to pay their own way is
not considered proper.

meh

grandma Rosalie

In article ,
Rosalie B. wrote:



I was
surprised when my kids started getting old enough to get invitations for
things that didn't include me at how often the invitation did NOT
include the host paying for it: we were caught with a high $$ outlay
that we really could not afford when my 8 yo was invited to go to a
theme park with a friend, and when the family got there to pick him up,
the parents asked if he had the $35 admission with him, or if I was
going to give it directly to them -- and suggested I should also give
him at least $20 for food for the day! (I couldn't bring myself to not
let him go at that point -- but I started being much more careful about

Was this a 'party' or was it just an invitation? I have invited
children to come on trips like that with us, but all I was supplying
was the transportation, supervision, and the company. Of course I
expected the child to pay their own admission and food. I do not
think that is out of line at all. Why would you think the parents
would pay $35 for your child in addition to their own?

Because they invited him. I assumed they had a free ticket (many season
passes come with a few) or were just very generous. If I invite a child
to come with us somewhere, I always assume I am paying for them. Sort
of like dating -- the person who issues the invitation is the presumed
host, and pays, unless there is some sort of up-front agreement to do it
differently.

I also can't imagine inviting an 8 year old to do something that
expensive -- and expecting them to pay for it -- without clearing it
with their parents first. (In this case, they invited my son to join
them -- he came home extremely excited about it -- rather than asking me
first.) Once I figured out that people expected me to pay, and figured
out up front who was paying for what, I sometimes had VERY disappointed
kids in my house, but we were not well off enough to accept
"invitations" that were not invitations to be someone's guest.

There were times when my kids wanted to invite a friend and we couldn't
afford to pay for one more. Then I issued a different sort of
invitation, making it very clear that we were NOT offering to host.
"We're going to the movies, and DD was hoping your daughter could come
along with us; I'm afraid we can't buy another ticket, but we'd love to
have her come with us if she can pay her own way." (I also always
issued such invitations directly to the parent, without the kids knowing
I was doing it, so if the answer was "no" I wouldn't have a kid upset
with his or her parents.)


But I did say, up front, something like, "Would Kim like to come with
us to Kings Dominion - the admission is x$."

such invitations. I found it awkward to ask, "So, will you be paying
for him to go?" -- but got a shocked "NO!" often enough that I was glad
I asked!) I don't know when people started to issue invitations but
expect their invitee to pay their own way. Under most circumstances, I
will simply decline such invitations.

I don't think asking if a child would like to come to some kind of a
theme park with high admission fees is the same thing as inviting
someone to a birthday party. I really don't. When my grandchildren
come with me, I do pay for their admissions and food, but their
parents often give them a little money in case they want to buy
something extra.


Within family, the situation is (or can be) different, and generally you
will have some expectations.

However, I DO think issuing an invitation is an offer to host -- and if
you cannot pay you need to say so up front so the other party
understands that it is an offer to join them at your own expense.

And where is the line? I never offered to take other kids to a theme
park -- heck, I could barely afford to take my own once in a while --
but I DID invite other kids to movies or McD's on occassion, and I
always paid for everything unless I specified that I could not up front.
Sometimes, parents would try to press $$ on me afterwards, and I always
refused it, pointing out that I had invited their child and that the
child had been our guest.

Looking back, I suspect there may have been times when other parents
were expecting ME to offer THEM $$, and I didn't. Oh well.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Sam" wrote in message
...

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She
has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will
be
£5 if she wants to attend!

Tacky. I swear, ettiquite and common sense manners are going down the drain.

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we
all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be
having
one.

I agree. You can do a home party on a budget and have a much better party
than a fast food restaurant one.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise
that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

Are you really, really, really, really, really close friends? If you don't
know how to say it to her then you probably aren't close enough. I'd just go
on with your plans and not go. HTH
--
JennP.

mom to Matthew 10/11/00
remove "no........spam" to reply

In article ,
dragonlady wrote:

In article ,
"Sam" wrote:

My DD has been invited to a kids birthday party. Those ones like in
McDonalds were you pay £5 and the kids get a meal and entertainment. Now she
has been to lots of these types of things before, and I have had a few of
these types of party of my own, and all the children bring is a gift, and
the parents of the birthday child foot the bill for the party.

A friend of mine is having this type of party for her one year old. She has
sent my daughter an invite to the party, but put a note in saying it will be
£5 if she wants to attend!

I was so shocked. IMHO this is so rude, to invite a kid to a party and
expect the parent to pay. I know they are strapped for cash (aren't we all)
but if she cant afford this type of party for her DD she shouldn't be having
one.

Now my DD cant go anyway as we are busy that weekend, so I will just be
sending a card and a small gift, but should I say something to my friend
about it? I thought most people would have the common sence to realise that
if you have a party (especially for small kids) you pay for the food and
entertainment. How do I approach her about this without sounding rude?

Sam



Of course it is rude -- but it is also becoming not uncommon. People
will invite you to an anniversary party at a restaurant, and expect you
to pay your own bill plus a portion of the honoree's bill. I was
surprised when my kids started getting old enough to get invitations for
things that didn't include me at how often the invitation did NOT
include the host paying for it: we were caught with a high $$ outlay
that we really could not afford when my 8 yo was invited to go to a
theme park with a friend, and when the family got there to pick him up,
the parents asked if he had the $35 admission with him, or if I was
going to give it directly to them -- and suggested I should also give
him at least $20 for food for the day! (I couldn't bring myself to not
let him go at that point -- but I started being much more careful about
such invitations. I found it awkward to ask, "So, will you be paying
for him to go?" -- but got a shocked "NO!" often enough that I was glad
I asked!) I don't know when people started to issue invitations but
expect their invitee to pay their own way. Under most circumstances, I
will simply decline such invitations.

I really think that a party and going with friends to a theme park are
different things. A party is on the host. But when friends go to a
theme park or skiing or something like that, it seems odd that parents
would expect another parent to pick up a high tab item like that. Of
course it needs to be made clear. The parent is after all offering to
supervise kids at one of those boring theme parks letting the other
parent off the hook -- paying the kid's way seems only fair.

It is akin to having friends suggest you all go out to a dinner and
movie -- do you expect your friend to pick up all the costs for dinner
and amovie on a saturday night? It would never occur to me that it
wasn't dutch -- on the other hand, if I am invited to their anniversary
party, I expect them to pick up the tab.


However, if she's a close enough friend, you might consider buying her a
copy of "Miss Manner's Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" for HER next
birthday. It's an enjoyable book to read (the woman can write!) and
will include the information that asking guests to pay their own way is
not considered proper.

meh

a double benefit -- kids really find this book hilarious [at around age
10-14] and with any luck will pick up the very sensible etiquette advice