Help--babysitting opinions needed

I just sent this e-mail out. but what is the groups opinion. The names have
been changed but its about the babysittingof a 7 month old baby girl:
(names have been changed). (If you read this, you'll see its not troll
material, but a real situation.)

"I just wanted to ask for your advice. This has been troubling me, and I just
wanted to get an outside opinion. It concerns Julia. Eva baby-sits Julia every
Monday, but I have a problem with Eva's boyfriend who is with Eva on these days
many times. Can I have your opinion as to whether I am overreacting.

BACKGROUND
Eva's boyfriend has always struck Amy and me as sort of a jerk. He is a 55
year old man who wears a beret and calls himself "Belazair." He doesn't appear
to have a job apart from working and living for his brother at his brother's
ranch. It is very important to Belazair that his brother not know that Eva
exists. Eva has never actually met Belazair's brother. Belazair has been
married 3 or 4 times and has 3 adult children with whom he does not speak.
This seems odd given the type of personality he has. For example he calls Eva
a "**** up" for being a 30 minutes late after she drove three hours to visit
him. When Eva said that she may not be able to come up to visit him another
weekend, he said, "That's ok, I'll get someone else to suck my cock." He also
coerces Eva to have sex with other women, which Eva has reluctantly done to
"make him happy." Eva admits that he's an "asshole" but that she's "crazy
about him."

Belazair also has some fine political opinions, such as the jews have to take
responsibility for the holocaust, that he understand the Nazis desire for a
pure land of their own, that the KKK is misunderstood, and that he wishes
things could be like they were in the good ol' days without all the mexicans,
and he believes that women should "fluff the wah" or something--i.e., be more
geisha like and provide for all of the man's needs. He has spoken frequently
about his intention of moving to thailand--notorious for its underaged sex
trade. He was taken to jail two weeks ago following an argument with an
officer while being pulled over for speeding.

By the way, this guy sincerely believes in horoscopes as a real science--not
just a hobby, but as actual truth.

A PROBLEM

I respect Amy's judgment, and I understand that she wants Eva to be a large
part of Julia's life. However, I am sometimes concerned when Eva tells us that
she changed Julia's diaper on the sidewalk of Castro Street (why was it so
urgent?) or that Eva has used her breast to comfort Julia. But that's not what
I worry about. I worry about Eva's inability to stand up to Belazair and the
type of person he may be.

Eva was diagnosed with herpes. When she found out her first reaction was,
"Belazair's gonna kill me." Well, Belazair wasn't too upset, because he
advised Eva that the woman that he had her sleep with had herpes. He failed to
provide this information to Eva of course. He also has unprotected sex with
Eva. But he always uses a condom with the other women he sleeps with (Eva
sincerely believes this). He told Eva he wasn't speeding the night he was
arrested because "he never speeds," and she believes that as well. Eva also
was surprised to hear three days ago after the herpes diagnosis, that sexually
transmitted diseases could be transmitted by unprotected anal sex. Our friend
Belazair has not gotten tested for sexually transmitted diseases, he advises
Eva, because science is a "bunch of crap."

So, in my mind Belazair is an ass. Also, he behavior of exposing Eva to a
woman he knew to have herpes is outrageously reckless and immoral. (Although
common sense dictates that it was not the woman he had Eva sleep with that had
herpes, but him, and now he had a convenient scapegoat--which would be
criminal). Eva defends Belazair because Belazair told her that he did not know
it could be spread unless the herpes sores were open (not that he examined the
woman before the encounter).

ISSUE

In your opinion, do you think its unreasonable for me to insist that Belazair
not be with Eva when she baby-sits Julia? I do not have any one fear, but its
just that this man is not someone I feel comfortable having around my daughter,
and Eva has shown that she cannot be trusted to protect herself. I worry a
whole range of different horrors from molestation to disease to more benign,
yet likely, scenarios such as Belazair imposing his beliefs of
babysitting--"its ok for the baby to cry" to "blow some pot smoke over the
baby, it calms them." I was going to advise Eva tonight that Belazair is not
to be around the baby when she watches Julia, but I wanted to run this by you.
Belazair---whose kids don't talk to him, who gets taken to jail, who is
verbally abusive, who lies about Safe sex and knowingly spreads STD's, with
wacko views, and a mysterious brother and income---paired with Eva who loves
him and believes the most incredulous lies and Julia every monday?

Is my discomfort prudishness?

Thanks,

I don't think I'd want him anywhere near my child!! Can you trust Eva to not
allow him to visit when she's babysitting? If she's as dominated as she
sounds, I'm not sure she'd be trustworthy in this.

In article , Chive mynd says...

I just sent this e-mail out. but what is the groups opinion. The names have
been changed but its about the babysittingof a 7 month old baby girl:
(names have been changed). (If you read this, you'll see its not troll
material, but a real situation.)

"I just wanted to ask for your advice. This has been troubling me, and I just
wanted to get an outside opinion. It concerns Julia. Eva baby-sits Julia every
Monday, but I have a problem with Eva's boyfriend who is with Eva on these days
many times. Can I have your opinion as to whether I am overreacting.


Stop right there.

Never mind about the herpes and Castro street and lordy knows all the rest of
the weirdness in your post. Stop right there.

You hired a babysitter. Presumably you know her and/or have references on her
or otherwise have confidence in her.

You didn't hire her boyfriend, father, mother, next door neighbor, sister,
daughter, or check the rabies shots on her dog. You hired *her*. You made a
decision about *her*. She should come without baggage. A babysitting job isn't
a sudden free pass to your home for your babysitter's friends, and the friends
of the friends, whatever.

This is a rule I have - no friends/family (I make exceptions for certain cases
where I know a friend or family member as well as the babysitter - but *one at a
time*). By not making such a rule, you have opened your home to a stranger
(perhaps any number of strangers), and you've (oddly) gotten all interested and
tied up with details of that stranger and your babysitter's relationship with
that stranger. Which should have absolutely nothing to do with your family, and
these details are absolutely irrelevant to your life.

So, if you're on the up and up (not a troll), my advice is to, since a bad
pattern has already been set up with Eva - stop hiring the babysitter for
whatever reason you can give (arrange 'not to need' her, although only you know
it's just for awhile), hire someone else to start fresh, and make sure one of
the groundrules understood is that you expect him or her to do the job, as in
any job, on their own. No friends or family of the babysitter - no strangers in
your house.

Banty

The answer is so obvious that methinks me smells a troll.

hmmm, yes. and if not, yikes. problems

if you are a real poster, get rid of her and boy. this is about your child,
not an employee that does the cleaning or books or something. there are 3.7
trillion fish in the sea

c
"toypup" wrote in message
news:N2R9b.369113$Oz4.147488@rwcrnsc54...
The answer is so obvious that methinks me smells a troll.

I respect Amy's judgment, and I understand that she wants Eva to be a
large
part of Julia's life. However, I am sometimes concerned when Eva tells us
that
she changed Julia's diaper on the sidewalk of Castro Street (why was it so
urgent?)
I don't know Castro Street, or whether there is any baby change available. I
have changed dd on the side of the road (with my coat under her) when it has
been necessary. If it's a dirty nappy which is leaking, the sooner the
better, within reason. Occasionally even a wet nappy can be urgent to a
degree. I wouldn't do it if it was very cold, or not necessary, but I
wouldn't get concerned over this.
or that Eva has used her breast to comfort Julia.
That's something you need to decide between you. I wouldn't be happy with
that at all, and would make it clear. Is Eva breastfeeding, or is it just
comfort? If it's just comfort then I find the idea a bit creepy-does she
like doing it? I'd have thought it was painful without milk. You don't need
to make an issue of that, just say that you'd rather she didn't.
But that's not what
I worry about. I worry about Eva's inability to stand up to Belazair and
the
type of person he may be.
That sounds to me like the big issue. I think I'd not want him around my
child, from the sound of it. The fact that Eva seems to be very emotionally
attached to him, would worry me about her. You do need to discuss it with
your wife though, and decide what limits you set-and make sure they're stuck
to.
Debbie

Hi -

It sounds to me as though the boyfriend is very bad news. I'd explain
to the sitter that the boyfriend is not permitted anywhere near when
she's babysitting, and if he comes by *even once* then SHE will be
fired. At the same time, you might offer her the names of some hotlines
in case the guy starts abusing her, and let her know that it's HIM that
scares you, HER you still respect very much.

I'd be scared that he'd do something to the sitter in front of your
baby, or to your baby to make trouble for your sitter.

Another thing you might do is call the police, say that this guy makes
you nervous, and can they run him through their database to see if he
has any outstanding warrants. (Be sure you get an assurance that your
name will not be mentioned to the guy.) That way, if he is REAL
trouble, you've dumped the problem in someone else's lap. (You can even
get his fingerprints by giving him something to drink and then keeping
the glass/bottle/can.)

Good luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.