In-law story - Still more trouble (vent)

Good grief.

I thought I had started to manage things well with my FIL for the past few
weeks, but I guess it only had to do with the fact that we didn't see him
for the past three weeks! We had gotten into the dreadful (to me) habit of
going to see him with DD every Sunday. I tagged along, as I had not yet
started to pump. And frankly, even though I had, I would still have tagged
along, as I just can't stand the idea of spending a whole afternoon
wondering how she's doing (the umbilical cord may be cut, but I am not ready
to let go just yet - she's just turned 10 weeks!).

Our next-to-last visit had not been too bad. FIL made a few stupid remarks,
which I ignored (or did I, really?). Anyway, I was left under the impression
that all had been well. Well, this last visit was hell for me. I will not
give any specifics, but let me just say that FIL once again made me feel
like a stupid woman who can't take care of her child properly. There is
nothing I do which seems to meet his approval. I could still deal with it,
if only he didn't keep ridiculing all my ideas (by petty jokes I can't take
anymore).

DH, when in front of his father, is not supportive. He told me he didn't see
it was so bad, and didn't see it hurt me when his father made stupid jokes.
He got that right: he went on to say "Isabelle, where's your sens of
humour?" right in front of his dad, and I thought I'd lose it. I didn't. I
stayed calm.

Today DH and I had a discussion about it. I am not the most confident person
with regards to raising my child. My mother was a bad example, and I have no
model to follow. I just go along as I can, and every criticism hits me hard,
as much as I try not to let it. So the plan is that DH will talk to his dad,
to try to explain to him that I may be touchy on some topics and that he
should mellow a little, else I'll stop seeing him.

Of course, I can't stop my daughter from going to visit her grandfather. My
worry is if the situation does not get resolved, I will end up hating my
FIL, and I am certain that one day my daughter will catch on and ask me why.
And then, what will I tell her? But well before that is the fact that I feel
miserable after each visit. From raising her to feeding her, that man always
has a comment where he holds the truth and I am just a beginning mom who's
not smart enough to learn by herself.

I'm not stupid. I consider myself a smart woman, and I believe my friends
and family agree with my diagnostic. I hold my ground in front of everyone,
even my mother (oh yeah, that took 33 years, but it's done at last)... but
my FIL. He gets to me.

It has gotten to the point where when he called last week-end to ask if we
would visit, I was happy, I mean *happy* to tell him "No, we're going to the
country for the week-end". I felt like going na-na-na-na-na, you can't see
my daugh-ter, na-na-na-na-na... Why does he make me feel so childish, I have
no idea. Maybe because he treats me like a child. I don't think it's good
that I felt pleasure at his disapointment.

I'll stop here. I could go on and on and on but I must restrain myself, or
I'll just crank up and tears will come out.

Isabelle
Mother to Catherine, Nov. 27 2004

"Zaz" wrote in message
. ..
Good grief.
snip

Our next-to-last visit had not been too bad. FIL made a few stupid
remarks,
which I ignored (or did I, really?). Anyway, I was left under the
impression
that all had been well. Well, this last visit was hell for me. I will not
give any specifics, but let me just say that FIL once again made me feel
like a stupid woman who can't take care of her child properly. There is
nothing I do which seems to meet his approval. I could still deal with it,
if only he didn't keep ridiculing all my ideas (by petty jokes I can't
take
anymore).

DH, when in front of his father, is not supportive. He told me he didn't
see
it was so bad, and didn't see it hurt me when his father made stupid
jokes.
He got that right: he went on to say "Isabelle, where's your sens of
humour?" right in front of his dad, and I thought I'd lose it. I didn't. I
stayed calm.


(((((Zaz))))
You are right to feel angry.
As hard as it is, you do need to put him straight now as he will only get
worse over time.
There are plenty of standard remarks which may help.

*"The ped says to do X and so I'm following the Drs orders" ...sometimes
works with older folk who think Drs are akin to holy men.
*"That might have been the method used when you were raising your children,
but research has shown that X is a better way of doing things".
*"Yes isn't it sad that you didn't have access to such wonderful information
as is available today"
*"You raised your child your way, I'll raise mine my way".
*"Here look at some of this research / book / that has shown X to be more
beneficial than Y for babies" (especially good if you come prepared with
book / info off the web. ...but you might then have to deal with "book
parent" comments ... which can be answered with you just wanting what is
best for your child)

....and I'm sure plenty of people here and at mkb can add to the list of
responses.
....failing all that, invest in a pair of "crap filters" ...let all useless
advice go in one ear and out the other.

You also need to explain to your DH that your FIL's remarks are seriously
affecting your feelings about him and that your DH needs to back you up when
FIL says something derogatory. .... there is solids, toddlerhood, child
safety, education etc to come so it pays to set things straight from the
start.

HTH
Amanda (who has only had to provide 1 SIL with printed advice to back up a
point of view, to which SIL responded "but that was written by
*scientists* - I wouldn't believe a word they said" ... knowing full well
that I am a scientist ... and she wasn't joking! That's when I first learnt
to use my inbuilt "crap filters" for further conversations on the topic).

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
DS 20th August 2004

On Tue, 8 Feb 2005 21:38:58 -0500, "Zaz"
wrote:

FIL once again made me feel
like a stupid woman who can't take care of her child properly. There is
nothing I do which seems to meet his approval. I could still deal with it,
if only he didn't keep ridiculing all my ideas (by petty jokes I can't take
anymore).

hey, I read this for the first time today and when I saw your post I
thought youmight like it too:

http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/read/212600.htm


Hope

--
Riley 1993 c/s
Tara 2002 HBAC
#3 Sept 2005!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/crunchy_september_mamas/

"A&G&K&H" wrote in message
...
snip
...and I'm sure plenty of people here and at mkb can add to the list of
responses.

...and just heard another beauty from a friend who is a counsellor with the
ABA...

"Oh is that what you've been told? Sadly you've been misinformed. The
current recommendations are X."

Hugs Isabelle. (((((()))))) I don't know how much of this is your "know it
all" FIL on the one end, or your insecurities on the other, but together
they don't make a good combination. At some points both of you are right,
and both of you are wrong. He may have some valid points, but even if they
are valid, you are the parent, and you can't let anyone "force" you to
second guess yourself or your parenting. On the other hand, he may also
have some wisdom to share, if you can get past your insecurities and listen
to what he's saying. And on the third hand, he might be full of hot air.
It's for you to decide.

I love Hope's link, and really think you should start to practice that, in
some form or another. I would also have another long talk with your hubby,
and make it clear to him that he has to stand with you on this. Daddy-O
needs to back off on the grandparenting advice, or your whole family won't
come visit, not just you. No you, no Catherine, no hubby -- or let hubby go
alone. And when you are there, you walk away from him when he starts up,
and if he keeps it up, get in the car and go home.

You have to take control of this situation, get your hubby on your side, and
stop letting this old man get to you. If you know the sky is blue, then no
amount of talking, yelling, or commenting from someone else should be able
to convince you that the sky is yellow. Now, if you aren't sure that the
sky is blue, and his reasons are sound, then maybe the sky really is yellow,
and you shouldn't be mad at him for pointing it out. But if you're problem
is that you never trust in your own gut, and can be persuaded by
argumentative or loud people, then you've got to work on that issue in
yourself.

Hugs.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- The Inquisitor, who asks "What's that?" only 1000
times a day.
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Thug, who yells "HEY! HEY! WHERE IS MY
FOOD!" quite loudly at 3am!

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A&G&K&H wrote:

*"You raised your child your way, I'll raise mine my way".

By the end of our last visit with my in-laws, I was repeating this
like a broken record. (Heh. My kid's not even going to understand what
that phrase means, is she?) Except that I say *we'll* raise *ours*,"
because I want to make it clear that my husband and I agree about
child rearing.

His stepmother was giving me (bad) advice about spanking, and I was
six months pregnant! Let's at least allow the baby to be born and
actually get old enough to start doing things wrong before we get in a
fight about how to discipline her, okay?

Amanda (who has only had to provide 1 SIL with printed advice
to back up a point of view, to which SIL responded "but that was
written by *scientists* - I wouldn't believe a word they said"

Oh my God, my husband's stepmother is exactly the same way. "Why do
you do all that 'research' and listen to those 'experts'? You should
have a mother's intuition that tells you what to do."

For the record, my "mother's intuition" ought to be telling me that
(a) current SIDS recommendations are nonsense, and never mind the
recent decrease in deaths from SIDS; and (b) I should get a travel
system even though they're heavy and bulky and product reviews
frequently say that the stroller part doesn't hold up well. That's
some fine-tuned intuition.

Rivka
Li'l Critter due 4/3/05

--
Visit my weblog at http://respectfulofotters.blogspot.com

A&G&K&H wrote:

..and just heard another beauty from a friend who is a counsellor
with the
ABA...

"Oh is that what you've been told? Sadly you've been misinformed.
The
current recommendations are X."

I would fear that comments like this would just lead to an argument
over whatever issue is at hand.

For suggestions:

I would say, "I'll be sure to talk that over with DD's doctor next time
we see him," for anything remotely related to health, feeding,
diapering, etc.

I would say, "I'll have to think about that, but I'll certainly
consider trying it," for anything else, even if it's complete BS that
you would never actually try.

For comments and criticism:

I would say, "Gosh, I'm really sorry you feel that way," or, "I'm doing
my best."

If you give them an "in" to argue, you're just making it worse on
yourself. Isn't it the same way with kids? I know when I was
teaching, it was best to be authoritarian ("Because I'm the teacher and
I said so,") than it was to explain things, sometimes, because
explaining inevitably led to arguments.

Good luck, Zaz!
Amy

Zaz writes:

Isabelle,

I am going to cut to the chase. You MUST have a long
hard talk with DH. As you husband he needs to be supportive
of you and protect you from the verbal abuse of your FIL.
If he can not see it, and refuses to intervene, you need
to take him to family counseling and get him to see the
error of his ways. Until he agrees to stand up for you,
you need to avoid all contact with your FIL.

Period.
Larry

Rivka W writes:

: Oh my God, my husband's stepmother is exactly the same way. "Why do
: you do all that 'research' and listen to those 'experts'? You should
: have a mother's intuition that tells you what to do."

This is the point where I would be tempted to say that my intuition
tells me that you don't know what you are talking about, and I should
avoid your advice.

:-)
Larry

"Larry McMahan" wrote in message
...
Rivka W writes:

: Oh my God, my husband's stepmother is exactly the same way. "Why do
: you do all that 'research' and listen to those 'experts'? You should
: have a mother's intuition that tells you what to do."

This is the point where I would be tempted to say that my intuition
tells me that you don't know what you are talking about, and I should
avoid your advice.

:-)
Larry

Bwa ha ha ha ha! I think I'd say that too, if I could think of it fast
enough!
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- The Inquisitor, who asks "What's that?" only 1000
times a day.
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Thug, who yells "HEY! HEY! WHERE IS MY
FOOD!" quite loudly at 3am!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
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