In-law story - Still more trouble (vent)

"Zaz" wrote in message
.. .
|
| "Anne" fazbeta at free dot fr wrote in message
| ...
| On Wed, 9 Feb 2005 21:14:19 -0500, "Zaz"
| wrote:
| --snip
|
| Fight it for yourself, leave DH out of it and reply as condescending
| as you can to put him back in his place. The only time that I feell ok
| to be arrogant is when I need to put back in place an arrogant person.
|
|
| I don't agree. I think that DH is one of the keys to unlocking this
| situation. He loves us both and wants us both to get along. It may not be
| possible, and he's not going to die fighting for it, but he can at least
| help his father understand that he is hurting me with his snotty remarks.
| And he will be better at me in doing it, as he knows how to deal with him,
| from hands-on experience, which I don't have.

Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps your FIL already understands that he hurts your
feelings and thats his intention. Your DH may or may not be able to
encourage his father to be less of an ass to you. Obviously though, you
consider this a matter of important in your relationship with DH, which is a
damn good reason for him to speak to FIL.

| You have nothing to lose, he is the one that have something to lose...
|
| If he keeps bothering you, leave... Tell him that you'll think about
| coming back when the people of this house will give you the respect
| that you deserve and apologize for their childish behaviour. Leave DH
| there if he doesn't follow you right away, he is not part of the fight
| and shouldn't be in the middle. Your inlaws can drive him back home or
| you can go with two cars if you have two...
|
| Unfortunately, that would send sparks all over the family spectrum, and I
| wouldn't feel any better from it. I need a more diplomatic solution, and I
| think DH is the diplomat in chief...

I hope you are correct.

On Thu, 10 Feb 2005 20:08:06 -0500, "Zaz"
wrote:

I don't need DH to defend me, but I need him to help me understand and come
at peace with his father. I didn't put him in the middle: he's there! And...
no, seeing me and his father go at it together is not something pleasant.

I totally get you. You want a solution that is best for all three of
you, but mainly you want peace between you and your FIL, not only for
your sake, but for your DH's as well. Did I get this right?

I have had my DH talk to his parents for me because DH is a good
diplomat. I am not. Sometimes hearing it come from DH rather than me
also works because if he is saying it, then it isn't only me that sees
it as a problem.

I wish you and DH only the best with this. Please let us know how the
talk goes and if it works in the end.

--
Daye
Mommy to DD3 and DS1
Chump Change for Major Change
http://www.change4change.tk

"Zaz" wrote in message
news snip

I hate to see DH like this. I can see how torn up inside he is. On the one
hand, he's got me whom he loves very much, and on the other hand, he's got
his father whom he also loves very much. I must also point out the fact
that
his relationship with his father has evolved a lot over the past 5 years
or
so, from father-know-it-all to simply father. I know this relationship is
fragile right now, and that DH wants to strengthen it, not hurt it. And
there's me again, hurting as well. I know it's going to be a rough ride
for
him...

(((((Zaz)))) how terribly difficult.

Perhaps your DH could write down the very core of what the problem is and
release any pent up anger first so that he can calmly discuss the problem
when he speaks with his Dad. Sandwiching the problem between statements of
love sometimes helps - so that its clearly stated that this process is not
about blame but rather is to build and strengthen the future relationship
with your FIL's DIL and grand-daughter.
This method works for me as it lets me identify the core problem and ignore
the minor ones. It also lets me get rid of the anger *before* speaking with
the other person. I also find it helps relieve stress-related tension so it
may help with your migraines.

Let us know how it all goes - we'll be thinking of you.
Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
DS 20th August 2004

"Zaz" wrote in message
.. .
was wrong.
The very same PhD guy! But I'm not the one who said I read anything in a
book ; I know he doesn't trust my choice of literature, so I stopped
telling
him a long time ago! He's the one always bringing it up: "Oh, yeah, she
must
have read it in a book", as if I can't make anything for myself, or as if
I
never take counsel from someone unless I verified it in a book. Not true
on
both accounts.
Anyway, that's ONE of the problems.

Now that's what I find a bit strange ... I also have a PhD and a research
background which I thought was what predisposed me to researching as much
info on a topic as I could find. I also try to sort through the good and
bad information *and* make doubly sure that I am reading current information
and not stuff from the 70's.
Not very helpful to your current situation I suppose, but keeping up with
current information and trends is the nature of the accademic (at least in
the sciences). Admitedly there are a lot of books that contain incorrect
information, but there are other sources of peer reviewed information which
one would think should make an impact on him.
....but then again the way to clean a girl should be common sense! I mean
you can find it in pretty much any baby-care book, but surely he can *see*
that he is doing it the wrong way ... or at the very least take advice from
somebody familiar with the equipment!

The more I hear about this man, the more I think you should go with the
"bean dip" method of dealing with him. ...although I still like Larry's
suggestion of telling him your intuition tells you that you shouldn't listen
to his advice .

I'd find such a condescending know-it-all a royal PITA too. No wonder you
had a migraine processing all this.

Hope you find a way of dealing with it all.
Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
DS 20th August 2004

You understood EXACTLY what I meant to say!

"Daye" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 10 Feb 2005 20:08:06 -0500, "Zaz"
wrote:

I don't need DH to defend me, but I need him to help me understand and
come
at peace with his father. I didn't put him in the middle: he's there!
And...
no, seeing me and his father go at it together is not something pleasant.

I totally get you. You want a solution that is best for all three of
you, but mainly you want peace between you and your FIL, not only for
your sake, but for your DH's as well. Did I get this right?

I have had my DH talk to his parents for me because DH is a good
diplomat. I am not. Sometimes hearing it come from DH rather than me
also works because if he is saying it, then it isn't only me that sees
it as a problem.

I wish you and DH only the best with this. Please let us know how the
talk goes and if it works in the end.

--
Daye
Mommy to DD3 and DS1
Chump Change for Major Change
http://www.change4change.tk

Zaz wrote:
Did you send your e-mail to without the

"nopourriel"? I'm not getting anything.

Ah, no, I didn't have the ability to edit the e-mail address (google
groups). I just sent a test message - we'll see if that gets to you.

Thanks,
Amy

Zaz wrote:

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm asking DH to choose between
his
father and me.

No no, I don't think that...

All I am asking him is to help me smoothe out the
relationship. His father is the cartesian type, and may not
understand
emotions, but I know my DH can bull**** him about how much I would
like to
earn his approval or whatever, and he'll comply. I'm not getting off
with my
head high, but here I believe it's not a matter of pride. I just want
to be
able to go there without feeling attacked all the time.

All I meant was that it's easy to be defensive when you think that
you're just affecting yourself, but if you see the effects of your
disagreement with FIL on your husband and your daughter, you might be
better able to work on achieving a compromise...

That you came here and asked for help shows that you're wanting to
improve the situation, and that's good! I think things will be fine
once everything settles back down, after this period of transition...


Amy