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14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend



 
 
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  #21  
Old March 12th 04, 06:51 PM
lm
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 12:45:20 -0500, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"lm" wrote in message
.. .
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't

much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with me)

for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make offerings

&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example, if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they met

him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the way

she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19 year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.


Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events. You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need to
communicate face to face.


I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or perhaps has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.


But now it's not marrying age, not by a long shot. I consciously did
not call him a pedophile, but I would definitely call his behavior
predatory. He knows damn well what he's doing. He knows she's
vulnerable and he knows his presence is destabilizing what there is of
her home life. He's sniffing out weakness. Has nothing to do with her
age.

Anyway the focus of my post was that Daniel has got to talk to his
sister separate from the surveillance.

lm

  #22  
Old March 12th 04, 07:13 PM
P.Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel"

daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there

isn't
much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be

more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out

there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with

her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you

if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with

me)
for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make

offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need

some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be

able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be

doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example,

if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they

met
him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the

way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19

year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's

rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame

is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the

boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that

a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events. You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need to
communicate face to face.


I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or perhaps

has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.




I agree he is not a pedophile also and shouldn't be called such. As for a

14
year old being emotionally immature.... I know 20-60 year olds that are
emotionally immature. Male and female. This guy is definitely a jerk. But
just as a side note (not to downplay what Dan is going through), maybe she
is aggressive and seeking him and controlling him. Hell, women are known

to
do that. I think that main point though is getting this girl help. Period.


Of course, but the O.P. is focusing on 'the jerk' as the root of all the
problems, I think Joelle hit the nail on the head, and you are closer to the
truth. In my work at the H.S., I've had 14 y.o. girls hit on me, one was
so bold she came up and asked "why I just didn't take her home with me" It
would have been very easy to take advantage of them. I can easily see how a
loser 19 y.o. would do so.


T




  #23  
Old March 12th 04, 07:44 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel"

daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there

isn't
much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you

is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be

more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because

I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out

there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up

with
her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax

you
if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with

me)
for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make

offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong

and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need

some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be

able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she

needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and

not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be

doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what

she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with

her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For

example,
if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they

met
him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to

the
way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19

year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's

rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were

problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame

is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the

boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling

that
a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't

know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events.

You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document

this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need

to
communicate face to face.

I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a

jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or

perhaps
has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.




I agree he is not a pedophile also and shouldn't be called such. As for

a
14
year old being emotionally immature.... I know 20-60 year olds that are
emotionally immature. Male and female. This guy is definitely a jerk.

But
just as a side note (not to downplay what Dan is going through), maybe

she
is aggressive and seeking him and controlling him. Hell, women are known

to
do that. I think that main point though is getting this girl help.

Period.

Of course, but the O.P. is focusing on 'the jerk' as the root of all the
problems, I think Joelle hit the nail on the head, and you are closer to

the
truth. In my work at the H.S., I've had 14 y.o. girls hit on me, one was
so bold she came up and asked "why I just didn't take her home with me"

It
would have been very easy to take advantage of them. I can easily see how

a
loser 19 y.o. would do so.


You just look so damn young, is all.

That is scary though for girls to be that aggressive. Plus these girls don't
look their age so its easy for a guy to think she is only 14 but LOOKS like
a women. I am just so hoping this girl gets the proper help.

T


  #24  
Old March 12th 04, 07:58 PM
P.Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel"
daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there

isn't
much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you

is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be

more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but

because
I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out

there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up

with
her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax

you
if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication

with
me)
for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make
offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong

and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need

some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't

be
able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she

needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and

not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be

doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what

she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with

her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with

her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For

example,
if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before

they
met
him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to

the
way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The

19
year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's

rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than

half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were

problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the

blame
is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the

boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling

that
a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't

know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic

rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events.

You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on

and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document

this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need

to
communicate face to face.

I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a

jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or

perhaps
has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.




I agree he is not a pedophile also and shouldn't be called such. As

for
a
14
year old being emotionally immature.... I know 20-60 year olds that

are
emotionally immature. Male and female. This guy is definitely a jerk.

But
just as a side note (not to downplay what Dan is going through), maybe

she
is aggressive and seeking him and controlling him. Hell, women are

known
to
do that. I think that main point though is getting this girl help.

Period.

Of course, but the O.P. is focusing on 'the jerk' as the root of all the
problems, I think Joelle hit the nail on the head, and you are closer to

the
truth. In my work at the H.S., I've had 14 y.o. girls hit on me, one

was
so bold she came up and asked "why I just didn't take her home with me"

It
would have been very easy to take advantage of them. I can easily see

how
a
loser 19 y.o. would do so.


You just look so damn young, is all.


Must be the gray hair and the beer belly LOL........that really wow's 'em


That is scary though for girls to be that aggressive. Plus these girls

don't
look their age so its easy for a guy to think she is only 14 but LOOKS

like
a women. I am just so hoping this girl gets the proper help.


Every one of them has been from fatherless homes......they may not look 14,
but the moment they open their mouths, you can tell LOL.

I'm thinking that some sort of residential program may be the only solution.
That is what it took for my step-neice to straighten her out......Many times
insurance will cover it.


T




  #25  
Old March 12th 04, 08:36 PM
P.Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


'Kate wrote in message ...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 13:58:13 -0500, "P.Fritz"


Every one of them has been from fatherless homes......they may not look

14,
but the moment they open their mouths, you can tell LOL.

I'm thinking that some sort of residential program may be the only

solution.
That is what it took for my step-neice to straighten her out......Many

times
insurance will cover it.


The saddest part is that young teen is having to straighten out because
of what was done TO her and her very normal reactions.


I don't know about calling her normal ;-) but again, I see the root
cause of it from an almost total rejection by her biological father.



'Kate



  #26  
Old March 12th 04, 08:38 PM
P.Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


'Kate wrote in message ...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 12:45:20 -0500, "P.Fritz"


.a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.


Say what?


Think 'Kentucky' LOL


'Kate



  #27  
Old March 13th 04, 03:01 AM
V
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Joelle" wrote in message
...
Believe me, she
will care if you take those privileges away.

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't much
left to take...


You've taken away EVERYTHING? So now she's sleeping on a mattress on a

floor?

snip Joelles good thinking::
That is what I say is a "Monster Timeout". I read a book one time about
Monster Timeouts and one time J had a bed and a dresser.
It sure snapped him back into the real world!
V


  #28  
Old March 13th 04, 03:05 AM
V
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

P.Fritz wrote in message
...

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel"

daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't

much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with

her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you

if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with me)

for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make

offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be

able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example, if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they met

him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the

way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19

year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events. You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need to
communicate face to face.


I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or perhaps

has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.




I agree he is not a pedophile also and shouldn't be called such. As for a 14
year old being emotionally immature.... I know 20-60 year olds that are
emotionally immature. Male and female. This guy is definitely a jerk. But
just as a side note (not to downplay what Dan is going through), maybe she
is aggressive and seeking him and controlling him. Hell, women are known to
do that. I think that main point though is getting this girl help. Period.

T



Not a pedophile, but a statuatory rapist. The legal age is 18. He needs to
abide by that rule. She is too young for him and someone has got to put their
foot down or she will be posting to this group, as a single mother. Hi, I am a
15 y/o with a newborn. Come on!
V


  #29  
Old March 13th 04, 03:06 AM
V
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"P.Fritz" wrote in message
...
snip
Of course, but the O.P. is focusing on 'the jerk' as the root of all the
problems, I think Joelle hit the nail on the head, and you are closer to the
truth. In my work at the H.S., I've had 14 y.o. girls hit on me, one was
so bold she came up and asked "why I just didn't take her home with me" It
would have been very easy to take advantage of them. I can easily see how a
loser 19 y.o. would do so.


So Paul you are so **** hot ***** a teenager will hit on you?
lol..I am kidding you.
V


  #30  
Old March 13th 04, 04:16 AM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

'Kate wrote in message ...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't

much
left to take...


Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be more
likely to give that up.

So you're saying that she'll likely not care what I take as long as she has
him?



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...


I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out there
and letting you deny it.

OK.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).


I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Or E-mail.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with me) for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make offerings

&
sacrifices to him next.


Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I gave her what she needed & wanted. She had my time, I'd talk to her any
time she wanted, we spent allot of time with each other, when she wanted or
not when she didnt want to (I didn't ever force her to let me around)..I
supported her. I was the one who helped get her out of her bad living
situation with our mom & her abusive boyfriend. I gave her a home...she was
VERY happy & her life was doing great. She constantly thanked me,
appreciated me, told everyone how perfect everything was for her. The only
thing she still wanted was "to be a normal teen ager", even if that meant
drinking, drugs, partying, messing your life up, she thinks thats "normal" &
wanted to do it. I talked to her about that & was getting her used to the
idea of what that could do to her & how much she could lose. She understood
& was moving away from that & those kind of people & being even more happy &
glad she did. Then HE came along & completely reversed everything. Her
grades went down, she skipped some school, she's back into doing drugs,
probably more & worse other things I'm not listing here, she doesn't spend
ANY time with me unless I do something to force it (like plan something she
likes & plan to do that with her...but its got to be something expensive
which I can't afford to do or keep doing). Thats what I'm not sure about.
Why someone with so much would want to throw it all away just "because thats
what normal teens/people do"? (just like name brand clothing...I don't
understand why people buy clothes with someone's name on them because a
commercial/advertisement says it's cool)

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example, if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.

Can do that one. But if (or more likely when) she doesn't hold up to it,
she doesn't get it.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they met

him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the way

she
was before meeting him.


I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19 year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

She's felt that way for a long time...before me even...not just with males
but females too. I think part of it is that she is able to do more that
she'd not be able to without hanging around adults (such as smoke...how is
she supposed to get that from a 18yr old?). The reason I'm saying so much
of it is him too is because of how she changed from before him to after him.
She's dropped her closest long time friends for him (hardly has any friends
left). She's even dropped me for him.

'Kate



 




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