Toddler fears / parental exhaustion

Julie (2 years, 7 months) has suddenly become afraid of ghosts and owls.
We're not even sure how she knows what a ghost is. Must have been from
halloween. Anyway, she was up last night crying and afraid. It took a
while to even determine what the problem was. Once I knew, I basically
alternated between reassuring her she was safe from them, that they
couldn't get in her room (she kept saying they were going to), and
talking about happy things to think about instead. Eventually she was
able to go back to sleep. Is there anything else I can do to help her
overcome these fears?

On a related note, I'm exhausted. The baby's still up *at least* two
times a night and now this too. Actually exhausted doesn't even
describe it anymore. Zombie is more like it. I know I'm not the only
one. How do others deal with being so sleep deprived and still give
good, loving care to their children? I manage to keep them clean,
clothed, and fed but I am in a bad mood far too much and overreact to
things. E.g. drawing on the refrigerator. Instead of my usual reaction
of dispassionately taking away the pencil and saying "we only write on
paper", I yelled at her for making a mess and cringed as I heard myself
then yell, "what's the matter with you?" Maybe I need a different
consequence. Taking away the pencil used to be upsetting. Now, she
*knows* it's going to get taken away, but writes on things she shouldn't
anyhow. Seems to now be willful disobedience rather than just not
knowing any better. But probably is due to lack of the positive
attention that I used to give her lots of, but can't seem to manage at
this point. Any thoughts or suggestions anyone has much appreciated.
Sorry for rambling.
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 2 yr., 7 mo.
And Jaden, 2 months today!

Cleaning the house while your children are small is like
shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing.

Cheryl S. wrote in :
[snip]
On a related note, I'm exhausted. The baby's still up *at least* two
times a night and now this too. Actually exhausted doesn't even
describe it anymore. Zombie is more like it. I know I'm not the only
one. How do others deal with being so sleep deprived and still give
good, loving care to their children? I manage to keep them clean,
clothed, and fed but I am in a bad mood far too much and overreact to
things.
[snip]

Clean is good, clothed is good, fed is good. You are doing OK. Soon
the baby will start to wake less in the night, and you'll get more sleep.

If you really are zombie like, take the kids into the room with the video,
bring out some snacks and drinks, and let them watch videos while
you doze.

It is only for a short while, and then you'll be OK, and back to the patient
loving parent you really are inside. Even a month of a grouchy mum won't
have a dire effect on anyone.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Hi -

We did two different things with our kids that rapidly helped allay
night fears.

1. Each child had something in his room that we told him would protect
him from scary things. I think one had a "dream catcher" on his
wall, and the other had his stuffed animal. These things would
protect the kids even when mommy or daddy wasn't present.

2. We take the kids (still!) to the "dream store" every night where
they are each given a dream. There's a ritual to get there. (We
float out the window, up through the stars and around the moon to
get there, then reverse this to get home afterwards. My husband
often uses alternate forms of transportation ...) THen I describe
the outlines of a dream that I think will keep their minds occupied
while they drift off. The dreams change frequently. At the age of
two they used to involve lots of magic candy that was GOOD for you,
and fountains of chocolate milk rather than water fountains. These
days we tend to have help-the-superhero dreams. Once they get their
dreams they have to stay in bed with their eyes shut so the dreams
won't get lost.

I don't know if these will work for your family, but I'm certain your
imagination will come up with something that's just right to get you
through this.

Best of luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

"Cheryl S." wrote:

Julie (2 years, 7 months) has suddenly become afraid of ghosts and owls.
We're not even sure how she knows what a ghost is. Must have been from
halloween. Anyway, she was up last night crying and afraid. It took a
while to even determine what the problem was. Once I knew, I basically
alternated between reassuring her she was safe from them, that they
couldn't get in her room (she kept saying they were going to), and
talking about happy things to think about instead. Eventually she was
able to go back to sleep. Is there anything else I can do to help her
overcome these fears?


Someone on this board once suggested getting a small spray bottle, fill it
with water and tell her that its 'ghost spray' (in our case it was monster
spray). Then you and she go around the room and spray, telling her that
ghosts *hate* the spray and won't come in - you can say that they hate the
smell, or whatever....it gives them some power over their fear, like they
are taking a proactive step, they are bigger than the ghosts and have some
control by spraying. I was skeptical but it totally worked on my then
almost 3 year old. Can't help with the exhaustion,....I feel like I've
never recovered from my 3 year old constantly night-waking - she still does
- and here we go for #2 in a few months.

cara

Someone on this board once suggested getting a small spray bottle, fill it
with water and tell her that its 'ghost spray' (in our case it was monster
spray). Then you and she go around the room and spray, telling her that
ghosts *hate* the spray and won't come in - you can say that they hate the
smell, or whatever....it gives them some power over their fear, like they
are taking a proactive step, they are bigger than the ghosts and have some
control by spraying. I was skeptical but it totally worked on my then
almost 3 year old. Can't help with the exhaustion,....I feel like I've
never recovered from my 3 year old constantly night-waking - she still
does
- and here we go for #2 in a few months.

cara


My husband didn't like this idea. This shows kids that ghosts and monsters
must be real otherwise you wouldn't need the spray. We just tell the kids
when they get scared over things like ghosts or monsters that they're not
real. If they're scared of something real - like an owl - we explain what
they are, what's good about them, or something neat they can do.

As for the 2nd problem - being exhausted and snappy. My G-d you wouldn't be
human if your patience were intact and you were sleep deprived. The
suggestion to put on a video and nap is great. It's what I did. As long as
I was in the same room, it was good enough for the kids. Sounds like she's
testing you too - writing on things even though she knows she shouldn't, and
not caring about the pen being taken away. Unfortunately also normal. This
*will* get better. You'll learn to do more while tired - not sure if that
was what you wanted to hear - lol.

{{hugs}} We'll all been snappy just cos we're tired.

Little kids are not distinguishing well between real and unreal things.

Otherwise they would not believe in fairy tales, santa claus, etc.

Kids know pretend.


If they believe in monsters, it is easier to just give them monster
spray or whatever.

i

Obviously that's your opinion. To each their own.

On Mon, 3 Nov 2003 08:13:30 -0500, "Cheryl S."
wrote:

Julie (2 years, 7 months) has suddenly become afraid of ghosts and owls.
We're not even sure how she knows what a ghost is. Must have been from
halloween. Anyway, she was up last night crying and afraid. It took a
while to even determine what the problem was. Once I knew, I basically
alternated between reassuring her she was safe from them, that they
couldn't get in her room (she kept saying they were going to), and
talking about happy things to think about instead. Eventually she was
able to go back to sleep. Is there anything else I can do to help her
overcome these fears?

This is the age for nightmares and fears. There are several
approaches you can take, but the main thing is not to make light
of her fears, but to empower her to overcome them.

For monsters and ghosts, monster spray is helpful and can be
fun. Fill a small spray bottle with water and add a little glitter
and food coloring. Then give her the spray bottle and have her
spray around the doors and closets. Let her make up a story
about her magic spray that keeps her safe from monsters.

Another idea is to allow her to keep a small flashlight in bed to
scare them away. Nightlights or a small light on in the hall may
also help.

Another possibility is to read the story of the Indian Dream Catcher
and to get one or make one that will catch the bad dreams.

The legend is as follows:

An ancient Chippewa traditon
The dream net has been made
For many generations
Where spirit dreams have played.

Hung above the cradle board,
Or in the lodge up high,
The dream net catches bad dreams,
While good dreams slip on by.

Bad dreams become entangled
Among the sinew thread.
Good dreams slip through the center hole,
While you dream upon your bed.

This is an ancient legend,
Since dreams will never cease,
Hang this dream net above your bed,
Dream on, and be at peace.

A dream catcher was made and hung above an infants cradle,
the bad dreams were caught in the web and the good dreams
were allowed to pass through. The bad dreams were then
destroyed by sunlight.

The Legend of the Dreamcatcher

"A spider was quietly spinning his web in his own space.
It was beside the sleeping space of Nokomis, the
grandmother.

Each day, Nokomis watched the spider at work, quietly
spinning away. One day as she was watching him, her
grandson came in. "Nokomis-iya!" he shouted, glancing
at the spider. He stomped over to the spider, picked up a
shoe and went to hit it.

"No-keegwa," the old lady whispered, "don't hurt him."

"Nokomis, why do you protect the spider?" asked the
little boy.

The old lady smiled, but did not answer. When the boy left,
the spider went to the old woman and thanked her for
saving his life. He said to her, "For many days you have
watched me spin and weave my web. You have admired
my work. In return for saving my life, I will give you a gift."
He smiled his special spider smile and moved away,
spinning as he went. Soon the moon glistened on a
magical silvery web moving gently in the window. "See
how I spin?" he said. "See and learn, for each web will
snare bad dreams. Only good dreams will go through
the small hole. This is my gift to you. Use it so that only
good dreams will be remembered. The bad dreams will
become hopelessly entangled in the web."


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

On Mon, 3 Nov 2003 08:13:30 -0500, "Cheryl S."
wrote:

On a related note, I'm exhausted. The baby's still up *at least* two
times a night and now this too. Actually exhausted doesn't even
describe it anymore. Zombie is more like it. I know I'm not the only
one. How do others deal with being so sleep deprived and still give
good, loving care to their children? I manage to keep them clean,
clothed, and fed but I am in a bad mood far too much and overreact to
things. E.g. drawing on the refrigerator. Instead of my usual reaction
of dispassionately taking away the pencil and saying "we only write on
paper", I yelled at her for making a mess and cringed as I heard myself
then yell, "what's the matter with you?" Maybe I need a different
consequence. Taking away the pencil used to be upsetting. Now, she
*knows* it's going to get taken away, but writes on things she shouldn't
anyhow. Seems to now be willful disobedience rather than just not
knowing any better. But probably is due to lack of the positive
attention that I used to give her lots of, but can't seem to manage at
this point. Any thoughts or suggestions anyone has much appreciated.
Sorry for rambling.

This is hard, but..... slow down...

Try to cuddle with your older child and read a book when baby is
napping during the day. If both sleep, let the housework go and
take a nap yourself.

Put the writing materials out of reach, so that she has to ask for
them and then sit her in her high chair to use them or put up the
playpen and put paper in it for her to use the crayons in. Tell her
the baby cannot have them as she would put them in her mouth and
eat them. Make a big deal out of the fact that she is a big kid and
can use these things because she knows how and knows to use
them on paper.

You may want to try some new experiences with her. Perhaps
rotate some toys that she has not played with in a while.

If you can get a *mother's helper* to come in and play with her
while you care for the baby, or to take care of the baby while you
play with her, this might give back some positive time for each
child. Teenagers are often very good at this and you can find
one to be her special friend, or perhaps to be the baby's special
friend while you take her out somewhere alone.



--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

On Mon, 3 Nov 2003 12:44:58 -0500, "Sophie"
wrote:


My husband didn't like this idea. This shows kids that ghosts and monsters
must be real otherwise you wouldn't need the spray. We just tell the kids
when they get scared over things like ghosts or monsters that they're not
real. If they're scared of something real - like an owl - we explain what
they are, what's good about them, or something neat they can do.

Read about how young children think some. If daddy and mommy say it,
then it's so. It's really interesting and I don't think using fantasy
does any harm. Saying that the ghosts and monsters are not real
belittles their fears, imho.

If you want a glimpse of how even 5 year olds can think something is
true not because it is, but because they believe adults, read some of
Vivian Paley's books about her Kindergarten classes. Bad Guys Don't
Have Birthdays shows how important it is for children to be powerful
in their fantasies. Wally's Stories is another good one for showing
how children think about various events.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

"Cheryl S." wrote in message ...
Julie (2 years, 7 months) has suddenly become afraid of ghosts and owls.
We're not even sure how she knows what a ghost is. Must have been from
halloween. Anyway, she was up last night crying and afraid. It took a
while to even determine what the problem was. Once I knew, I basically
alternated between reassuring her she was safe from them, that they
couldn't get in her room (she kept saying they were going to), and
talking about happy things to think about instead. Eventually she was
able to go back to sleep. Is there anything else I can do to help her
overcome these fears?

Well, I'm not sure if this will work for you, but what seems to be
working for us is to have ds "scare things back" so to speak. In his
instance, this means roaring like a lion to scare someone. We used
this at a Hallowe'en party over the weekend with one of those candy
dishes with a hand that grabs at you when you come close. Before
this, he had been doing it sort of as a game of "scare mommy" because
he had been going through a stage of being scared of various things,
mainly thunder and fireworks. The reason I think it seems to be
helping is it gives him something active to do. Of course, I also do
emphasize that whatever it is can't hurt him (assuming that's true, of
course. I had a harder time with fireworks, because of course the
sound won't hurt him, other than possibly his hearing, but I did
emphasize that it wouldn't hurt him as long as he stood far away.)


On a related note, I'm exhausted. The baby's still up *at least* two
times a night and now this too. Actually exhausted doesn't even
describe it anymore. Zombie is more like it. I know I'm not the only
one. How do others deal with being so sleep deprived and still give
good, loving care to their children? I manage to keep them clean,
clothed, and fed but I am in a bad mood far too much and overreact to
things. E.g. drawing on the refrigerator. Instead of my usual reaction
of dispassionately taking away the pencil and saying "we only write on
paper", I yelled at her for making a mess and cringed as I heard myself
then yell, "what's the matter with you?" Maybe I need a different
consequence. Taking away the pencil used to be upsetting. Now, she
*knows* it's going to get taken away, but writes on things she shouldn't
anyhow. Seems to now be willful disobedience rather than just not
knowing any better. But probably is due to lack of the positive
attention that I used to give her lots of, but can't seem to manage at
this point. Any thoughts or suggestions anyone has much appreciated.
Sorry for rambling.

No advice here - just good wishes, knowing that I'll be going through
the same thing in several months!

Irene
mom to Thomas 7/10/01
#2 EDD 4/10/04