what age for sleepovers?

At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?

I know all my kids' friends parents to talk to, and I have a good
feeling about them -- I think they're nice, decent human beings who
have approximately the same standards I do about really crucial
parenting issues, like safety. But my feelings are not enough for my
husband (who really doesn't know them, as he is working while I do
pickups and dropoffs etc.). He isn't comfortable with either our 8 YO
or our 5 YO, but especially the latter, going on sleepovers with
anyone who isn't an old old friend of ours or a family member. His
concerns are abuse and lack of safety/supervision.

Thanks!

In article , Nevermind wrote:
At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?

My son's first sleepover was around age 5 1/2. He hasn't had many in
the two years since then (his best friend moved 1000 miles away), but
we'd have no problem if he requested one. I don't think he'd want to
spend the night with any of his friends that we'd worry about---he has
good judgement about who to play with and who to be close friends with.



--
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Kevin Karplus wrote:
In article , Nevermind wrote:

At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?


My son's first sleepover was around age 5 1/2. He hasn't had many in
the two years since then (his best friend moved 1000 miles away), but
we'd have no problem if he requested one. I don't think he'd want to
spend the night with any of his friends that we'd worry about---he has
good judgement about who to play with and who to be close friends with.

DD started sleepovers with a great friend at age 3 or so --
when they were both potty trained. She's been on them
periodically since. DS has never been on a sleepover.
He didn't have a great friend pre-kindergarten, and now
the friends he has aren't likely to want to do sleepovers.
We'd let him go, however, if he wanted to. So this does
vary with the kid.

My big problem with DD going on sleepovers is her wretched
behavior the next day induced by sleep deprivation. In
her case, they are sleepovers in name only, and should
really be called stayovers.

scott DD 10 and DS 7

"Nevermind" wrote in message
om...
At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?


We started letting DS sleep over at age 5. But, we only let him sleep over
in the homes of families we know very well and had no concerns about
supervision, parenting and judgment in general. We have hosted several
sleep over for several of his friends, including the famous seventh birthday
party sleep over where we had *five* little boys lined up like cord wood in
sleeping bags on his bedroom floor.

We have not, however, run into a situation where someone whom we do not
know well is inviting him over. We have also learned, based on the
responses of the parents of those we invite, that different children are
ready to sleep away from family at different ages, based on everything from
bladder maturity to ability to comfortably separate from the parental units
for long periods of time while it is dark outside. This is very individual
and patience is best applied.

-Aula


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Nevermind wrote:

At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?

I know all my kids' friends parents to talk to, and I have a good
feeling about them -- I think they're nice, decent human beings who
have approximately the same standards I do about really crucial
parenting issues, like safety. But my feelings are not enough for my
husband (who really doesn't know them, as he is working while I do
pickups and dropoffs etc.). He isn't comfortable with either our 8 YO
or our 5 YO, but especially the latter, going on sleepovers with
anyone who isn't an old old friend of ours or a family member. His
concerns are abuse and lack of safety/supervision.

Thanks!


DD went to a friend's house for a sleepover when she was about 3 years
old. I knew the parents very well - our daughters had a standing weely
playdate.

DD, now 5, loves sleepovers, but they're pretty rare and they involve
only one friend at a time. Usually by the time the kids want a
sleepover, we know and like the parents. If we don't particularly like
the parents or child, we strongly discourage the idea of a sleepover.

Jeanne

Nevermind wrote:

At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?



My oldest was 7 the first time she slept away. It was with a long
standing friend, and we knew the parents well, so we were very
comfortable. Well, as comfortable as I can be with one of my babies out
of my reach.

My youngest was invited to two slumber parties when she was in
kindergarten. We had never met either set of parents and they weren't
special friends (I think they invited all the girls in the class), so
she didn't go. She's gone on a couple of sleepovers since, with close
friends where we know the parents.

Lesley

What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally?

When my DD was about 5 1/2, she was allowed to sleep over at houses that I had
personally spent time in-- where I knew the parents well enough to have been to
dinner at their place.. that sort of thing. It meant that I had spent enough
time with them that I knew basically how they felt about discipline, that the
house seemed safe, etc.
I felt that sleepovers and slumber parties where the parents were only
aquaintances of mine were more appropriate at about 8yrs old-- 3rd grade.
IMHO 5yr olds don't need to sleep at friend's houses (unless it's more of a
babysitting issue.) Sleepovers at Grandma's are more appropriate.
- Blanche

In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

Thank you all very much. However, let me push a bit further. Most of
you said your kids had been allowed on sleepovers with people you
"know," "know well," or "know and like."

What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally? Or do you
mean you're really friends with these people? My kids' friends'
parents fit the former, not the latter, bill, and for my DH, that
isn't enough. His feeling is that even perfectly nice-seeming,
friendly people able to sustain a good coversation at a soccer game
can be dangerous to our children if left alone with them. Of course
this is true, but unlikely, IMO, and I tend to trust my *instincts*,
as I believe that's all we ever have available to us about anyone. But
his worries have gotten under my skin. . .


As my kids got older -- they are now 17 and 20 -- they have spent the
night in homes where the best I can offer is that I've confirmed, by
phone, that there would be an adult present all night.

When they were younger (I think you said you are talking about a 5 year
old?) I did my best to get to know my kids' friends' parents. That
meant inviting them to dinner, and hoping for an invitation back. I
would not have been comfortable letting my kids (at that age) spend the
night in a home that I had never visited, and on occassion was very
direct in telling people that -- essentially, inviting myself over to
their house.

You can also learn a great deal by having your kids' friends spend more
time at YOUR house: you figure out what they consider "normal" behavior.

It isn't so much that I was afraid that the people could be dangerous to
my kids; it was more a question of what level of supervision was
considered appropriate, and what kind of judgement the parents have, and
I think that is easier to ascertain if you spend some time in each
other's homes. For example, in one home that I declined to allow my
daughter to spend the night, while I was there the kids were invited to
watch an HBO movie that I considered entirely inappropriate for a 5 year
old, and when I questioned it the mother laughed and said her kids
watched things like that "all the time".

As your kids get older, you can, with any luck at all, expect THEM to
exercise a certain amount of judgement, so the parents' judgement
becomes less of an issue, sort of.

Even during the day, differences in what is and is not considered
appropriate at various ages can create problems. However, the only way
to protect your child from everything is to keep them at home all the
time -- and, in the long run, that doesn't do them any favors, either.
I'd say that if your DH has those sorts of concerns, then it is his
obligation (and yours) to get to know the families where your children
want to spend the night.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article ,
dragonlady wrote:

It isn't so much that I was afraid that the people could be dangerous to
my kids; it was more a question of what level of supervision was
considered appropriate, and what kind of judgement the parents have, and
I think that is easier to ascertain if you spend some time in each
other's homes. For example, in one home that I declined to allow my
daughter to spend the night, while I was there the kids were invited to
watch an HBO movie that I considered entirely inappropriate for a 5 year
old, and when I questioned it the mother laughed and said her kids
watched things like that "all the time".

How did you handle that situation? I'd have a hard time telling a
parent that I didn't think her home was a suitable environment for my
child. I guess I'm lucky that my kids have not yet been invited for
sleepovers at homes where I would be uncomfortable allowing them to
stay over.

Frankly, though, I think 95% of the same issues apply equally to
playdates as to sleepovers. Any time you let a child spend time in
someone else's supervision, whether overnight or not, you need to trust
those people's judgement...

--Robyn

In article ,
Nan wrote:

On Wed, 23 Jul 2003 14:11:18 EDT, (Nevermind)
wrote:

What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally? Or do you
mean you're really friends with these people? My kids' friends'
parents fit the former, not the latter, bill, and for my DH, that
isn't enough. His feeling is that even perfectly nice-seeming,
friendly people able to sustain a good coversation at a soccer game
can be dangerous to our children if left alone with them. Of course
this is true, but unlikely, IMO, and I tend to trust my *instincts*,
as I believe that's all we ever have available to us about anyone. But
his worries have gotten under my skin. . .

Well, even well-loved family members can be dangerous to our children,
so your dh may be a little *too* worried, but I can understand his
thoughts, given that he hasn't had the opportunity to get to know
these parents like you have.
However, the casual type of acquaintance you describe, I allowed my ds
to stay over when he was about 8.
I actually *preferred* that the friends stay at my house though, and I
always insisted that the parents meet me first. I was somewhat
surprised at how some parents would give permission for their child to
sleepover without even meeting me!

Nan


It can be even worse. On more than one occassion as my kids have moved
through their teens, I've insisted on calling a parent (over a kids'
objection) to confirm that the kid has permission to stay at my house
for the night only to have the parent say, "Why the %^$# are you
bothering me? I don't give a *&$% where the little &*^% sleeps." --
thus confirming what the young person had told me.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care