Advice

Hi, I am new here, and have a 6 year old son who is having some problems at
school with behaving, listening to his teacher, and being nice to the other
kids. When the school year first started, he was doing just fine in this
area, but over the past couple of months, it has just really gone downhill.
Their days at school are "color coded." A green day is good, yellow is one
infraction, orange is two infractions, and red is three infractions. He was
having mostly green days until Christmas break, and now one green day in a
week is rare. We have tried taking away his TV, toys, etc., but it didn't
seem to work. We tried rewarding him with a computer game on the days that
he had green days, and that helped for one day, but that was it. I also
explained to him that listening to his teacher and being nice to the other
kids is his "job," just like I have a job that I go to every day. Nothing
seems to be helping. He lost his grandpa last month, who he was very close
to. I think that may be part of it, but the problems started before that.
Does anyone have any advice? I am running out of ideas.

Trish

patriciaboley wrote:
Hi, I am new here, and have a 6 year old son who is having some problems at
school with behaving, listening to his teacher, and being nice to the other
kids. When the school year first started, he was doing just fine in this
area, but over the past couple of months, it has just really gone downhill.
Their days at school are "color coded." A green day is good, yellow is one
infraction, orange is two infractions, and red is three infractions. He was
having mostly green days until Christmas break, and now one green day in a
week is rare. We have tried taking away his TV, toys, etc., but it didn't
seem to work. We tried rewarding him with a computer game on the days that
he had green days, and that helped for one day, but that was it. I also
explained to him that listening to his teacher and being nice to the other
kids is his "job," just like I have a job that I go to every day. Nothing
seems to be helping. He lost his grandpa last month, who he was very close
to. I think that may be part of it, but the problems started before that.
Does anyone have any advice? I am running out of ideas.

What works at our house is that we tell DD and DS what we
expect them to do. I wouldn't tell them it's their job,
I would just tell them exactly what we expect, and then
lavish the praise when they meet expectations, and don't
beat the dead horse when they don't. Minimize your
reactions to their bad behavior, in other words. I
think it's similar to what you are doing, but a different
tone. I don't know if I'd take away priviledges based
on behavior on one day -- everyone should be able to
have a bad day. A bad day *should* warrant a discussion
of what went wrong and what can be done in the future
that will be more in line with expected behavior. A
bad week -- maybe that's when computers/Marx Bros.
Movies/bionicles get restricted.

Scott DD 10.8 and DS 8

In article 5mTec.28608$xn4.52378@attbi_s51,
"patriciaboley" wrote:

Hi, I am new here, and have a 6 year old son who is having some problems at
school with behaving, listening to his teacher, and being nice to the other
kids. When the school year first started, he was doing just fine in this
area, but over the past couple of months, it has just really gone downhill.
Their days at school are "color coded." A green day is good, yellow is one
infraction, orange is two infractions, and red is three infractions. He was
having mostly green days until Christmas break, and now one green day in a
week is rare. We have tried taking away his TV, toys, etc., but it didn't
seem to work. We tried rewarding him with a computer game on the days that
he had green days, and that helped for one day, but that was it. I also
explained to him that listening to his teacher and being nice to the other
kids is his "job," just like I have a job that I go to every day. Nothing
seems to be helping. He lost his grandpa last month, who he was very close
to. I think that may be part of it, but the problems started before that.
Does anyone have any advice? I am running out of ideas.



If grandpa had a period of illness before his death, that might account
for the timing. We lost my mom in the fall, and it was preceded by an
extremely stressful five weeks that took its toll on our daughter, who's
in second grade. She was very moody and emotionally fragile, and she's
only now really beginning to pull out of it. This year has definitely
been more problematic than last year as far as her school behavior is
concerned.

Is his teacher aware of his recent loss? Our daughter's teacher cut her
some slack during the height of our stress period, and it seemed to
help. I'm not sure exactly what form the slack took, but I think it had
to do with more (and more gentle) reminders before giving her a
"cross-out," letting her sit apart and be moody if she felt like it, and
not being as strict about homework.

And have you talked to him about it? Sometimes kids actually can tell
you what's bugging them, or at least offer clues. When grandma died,
our daughter started to have pervasive fears--that she might lose any or
all of the rest of us, that she might be kidnapped by burglars, etc. It
took a long time and a lot of reassuring chats and hugs for her to start
to feel secure again. She also is part of a special lunch group at
school for kids going through losses, where a couple of specially
trained teachers lead discussions and activities designed to help kids
express their feelings.

Hope some of this helps. Sorry for your loss!

I don't know if I'd take away priviledges based
on behavior on one day -- everyone should be able to
have a bad day. A bad day *should* warrant a discussion of what went wrong
and what can be done in the future that will be more in line with expected
behavior. A bad week -- maybe that's when computers/Marx Bros.
Movies/bionicles get restricted.

The priveleges weren't lost over one bad day, it was a result of many bad
days over quite a period of time, and wasn't done without warning. Everyone
has bad days, myself included, it's when it's the norm instead of the
exception that I got concerned.

Hi -

In addition to being sure the teacher knows about your son's loss,
consider taking him outside for some VERY active play before school.
Our son has a lot of trouble staying focused if he's got too much energy
to burn, and with the winter weather it was hard for us to get him
outside enough. Now, though, we're making sure he gets LOTS more
exercise and the result is that he's focusing better at school.
(After-school excercise is okay, too, if that's easier for you.)

We also completely ban "screen time" during the school week, since our
kids seem to need time to exercise AND play freely. If they don't spend
enough time playing, they seem to need to play during school instead.
In the beginning of the school year, with less homework, it was easier
to find time to play. At this point there's so much (way too much)
homework that playing gets forgotten if I don't specifically schedule it
in.


Just some thoughts,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

We learned Grandpa was terminal in Jan, told the boys in February, and in
March he was gone. Needless to say they did have some warning but not
really enough. Looking back, it started right around the time he was
diagnosed, and even though we didn't tell them right away, I am sure they
sensed that something was wrong. He is the youngest, and he reacted a
little differently than the older two. He understands that Grandpa is in
heaven, and everything that goes along with it, but I feel that he has some
anger about it, and maybe doesn't know how to express it We talk about
Grandpa when he brings it up. I don't want to push him into talking about
it until he is ready. The school is aware of what has happenned, and his
teacher was fairly understanding for the first week he was back to school,
but they also didn't feel cutting him any slack would be fair to the other
kids. It was a situation of "i understand why he is acting like this, but I
still have to change the color card to yellow," etc. I have asked him why
he is not listening in school and the only answer I can get from him is "I
don't know."

A lot of children find behavior harder in the Spring, even without family
stress. And honestly, I think it's as much that the teachers are getting
tired, too, and therefore are less forgiving and probably less proactive in
controlling it.
We have 6 weeks of school left, and a lot of us are seriously wondering if
aliens swooped in and traded half our kids for look-alike monsters over
Spring break! Couple a tired teacher with a child dealing with family
stress issues, and you've got behavior issues waiting to happen. Hopefully,
the teacher is giving her students time for recess/PE (and not taking it
away for behavior)-this will help a lot.

Beyond that, please remember that unless your school is on a radically
different schedule, you have at most a month or two to go. I'm betting that
by fall, he'll be more back to his normal self. My only real fear would be
him getting a reputation as a troublemaker which would follow him next year.

"patriciaboley" wrote in message
news:eTVec.29445$xn4.53794@attbi_s51...
We learned Grandpa was terminal in Jan, told the boys in February, and in
March he was gone. Needless to say they did have some warning but not
really enough. Looking back, it started right around the time he was
diagnosed, and even though we didn't tell them right away, I am sure they
sensed that something was wrong. He is the youngest, and he reacted a
little differently than the older two. He understands that Grandpa is in
heaven, and everything that goes along with it, but I feel that he has
some
anger about it, and maybe doesn't know how to express it We talk about
Grandpa when he brings it up. I don't want to push him into talking about
it until he is ready. The school is aware of what has happenned, and his
teacher was fairly understanding for the first week he was back to school,
but they also didn't feel cutting him any slack would be fair to the other
kids. It was a situation of "i understand why he is acting like this, but
I
still have to change the color card to yellow," etc. I have asked him why
he is not listening in school and the only answer I can get from him is "I
don't know."



You may be able to obtain a grief therapist with experience with younger
children through your local Hospice organization [assuming you have one
nearby]. I have found them to be very helpful, responsive, and free, in
this area on more than one occasion. If they are not able to provide
someone they may well be able to make some suggestions about local providers
who would be able to assist him.

-Aula

If grandpa had a period of illness before his death, that might account
for the timing. We lost my mom in the fall, and it was preceded by an
extremely stressful five weeks that took its toll on our daughter,

Yes, if there was illness I'd second this observation. I had a period of
"school flu" when I was in 5th grade -- sick to my stomach almost every day and
begging to go home... after some time with a child therapist the diagnosis
(which I discounted at the time but can appreciate now) was that I was
concerned about my mother's reaction to her father's ongoing heart condition.
I wanted to be at home to help her if she needed it. The stress of being apart
from her caused (in my memory) very real stomach upset.

I think the solution was that she shared a bit less with me and made sure I saw
that she had happy times too. OTOH, when my dad died a few years ago Henry was
concerned that he *didn't* see me grieving, and we found I needed to let him in
to that part of my experience. So in many different ways, illness and death
can affect kids, and the younger they are the more inappropriate their
reactions may be.

I would keep in mind, though, that first grade is a very formative time, both
for him and for his/your relationship with the school. So I would certainly
keep them up to date with what has happened in your family and be sure you are
a partner with the school in approaching this -- I hate to suggest it, but I do
think it is possible for a kid to be "branded" a trouble-maker if they tend to
cause trouble in their early school years.

Also, consider an evaluation for a learning disability such as ADHD/ADD.
Perhaps he just really *can't* sit still for as long as his peers can, and that
is the source of his frustration.

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 11

Thank you everyone for advice, it's much appreciated! There were quite a
few suggestions in there that I hadn't thought of, so that's good. Today
was a green day for him (yay!!), and I praised him for it. He has always
been a child who wants people to be happy with him, especially Mommy, so we
really played that up a bit. Hopefully I will see a repeat performance
tomorrow.

Trish