If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#11
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
Tony wrote:
G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. Basically, to be on the same page. I disagree. I don't have as many problems with my daughter as does my ex-wife. Advice? It's not your job to punish your daughter for your ex. It's your job to establish appropriate house rules with appropriate consequences and carry out those consequences for your house, not the ex's. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there is more going on than just your daughter coming in late. The answer to these issues is not your wife unilaterally stating the rules and consequences. There are two adult parents involved. You should be able to sit down and discuss the issues together as parents, and work out appropriate solutions. You daughter is an adult. So she needs to be part of the discussions so she buys into the solution, as well. Jeff |
#12
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
On Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:50:36 -0700 (PDT), Tony
wrote: Ok, I get it. No curfew for an 18 yrs old. Thank you. Well, count me in the camp that think an 18 year old may still need curfew during certain times. School nights, for instance. What about honoring rules in both homes? I have my own set of rules as does my ex. I don't think I should punish her for something she did at her mom's/ Let her deal with it. This I agree with. When my son was younger he'd receive whatever consequences I set up if he broke my rules while he was with me. When he'd go to his dad's house for the weekend, I didn't expect his dad to carry the consequences over to his home... it didn't make any sense. Nan |
#13
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
Nan wrote:
On Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:50:36 -0700 (PDT), Tony wrote: Ok, I get it. No curfew for an 18 yrs old. Thank you. Well, count me in the camp that think an 18 year old may still need curfew during certain times. School nights, for instance. What about honoring rules in both homes? I have my own set of rules as does my ex. I don't think I should punish her for something she did at her mom's/ Let her deal with it. This I agree with. When my son was younger he'd receive whatever consequences I set up if he broke my rules while he was with me. When he'd go to his dad's house for the weekend, I didn't expect his dad to carry the consequences over to his home... it didn't make any sense. Nan As an aside, I wish to add: I do think that it helps kids if the rules are pretty consistent from house to house. For example, similar bed times and similar consequences for hitting siblings. I said as an aside, because in most cases, the rules are consistent enough. I do also wish to add that it is appropriate for some punishments to carry over to other houses. For example, if a child knew that if he didn't get that report he had 3 weeks to finish done on time, then he would not be allowed to watch TV, then that punishment should carry from one house to the other. Of course, the key here is communication between the parents. Jeff |
#14
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
Maybe your ex is in the
"know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know, the daddy's little girl scenario. As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent to her in what she perceives you would think. |
#15
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
In article ,
Chris says... On Mar 9, 10:53=EF=BF=BDam, Tony wrote: G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. Basically, to be on the same page. I disagree. I don't have as many problems with my daughter as does my ex-wife. Advice? Well, at my house when I was 18, it didn't matter that I was old enough to make my own decisions, as I was supposed to be old enough to understand that walking in at 3 a.m. was also disruptive to the other members of the household, so respecting that fact was also a part of learning responsibility and respect for others. If I wound up spending the night with a friend, so be it, as long as my parents knew it was an unplanned possibility ("i.e. Hey mom, I might spend the night at Cindi's," so they didn't worry their heads off that I had been left for dead in a ditch. Are you talking about 3 a.m. as in waking people up, or 3 a.m. as in people worrying? Simple care addresses the first concern, a cell phone and a set of rules about putting in calls addresses the second. Neither needs a curfew. At my house, 100% freedom to do as I pleased only came when I got my first apartment at almost 19. Heck, the only time I ever felt the freedom to do as I pleased was when I lived alone ;-) Which isn't now. Of course there needs to be respect for the household and one has to work around others' needs. Still doesn't need a curfew. The two of you need to work out the plan of attack on the issue though and be on the same page. This will only come with open communication and in coming to an agreement. Why does your wife feel a curfew is still necessary? Her having two homes, one that doesn't enforce the punishment handed out in the other, only enforces her in breaking the rules at the other, and thereby disrespecting that parent. Afterall, she gets out of the punishment at the other place, so a two-week punishment may only wind up being one week based on where she is when. Maybe your ex is in the "know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know, the daddy's little girl scenario. Yeah - there's no info on any of that, or how things have been worked out in the past. Only a stripped down scenario and a question as to who's right; who's wrong. Heck, how would *I* know who's right, if *either*?? Except that there's a good chance the need for all that coordination and tension is over or soon to be over (if she's still in high school, say). Makes me wonder why it's still a struggle at *this* point. Unless there's other complications and concerns he's not telling us about... Banty |
#16
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
In article ,
Chris says... Maybe your ex is in the "know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know, the daddy's little girl scenario. As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent to her in what she perceives you would think. Or she could be either hanging on to her growing up girl unable to let go, or she may be overly controlling. Or not. I wouldn't think he doesn't know his daughter because he's the father. C'mon :-/ I just don't think we know what the story is; we'd at best get one side anyway. Except that, unless there is something out of the ordinary going on, the whole sitaution needs to proceed to a new set of relationships now, or soon, anyway. Banty |
#17
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
Banty wrote:
I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint custody arrangement. Do you? In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty. Michelle Flutist |
#18
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
In article , Michelle J. Haines says...
Banty wrote: I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint custody arrangement. Do you? In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty. Let's notch down together then, Michelle. I was *asking*. See - - ? -- that's a question mark Banty |
#19
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
Banty wrote:
In article , Michelle J. Haines says... Banty wrote: I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint custody arrangement. Do you? In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty. Let's notch down together then, Michelle. I was *asking*. See - - ? -- that's a question mark Banty In most states, if a child has graduated high school or has had a baby, the child is legally an adult. In any event, one of the things we don't know is the emotional maturity of the teenager. One can be legally an adult, but not emotionally ready. There may be emotional maturity level here, too, although not necessarily with the teen. Jeff |
#20
|
|||
|
|||
teenager breaking curfew
On Mar 9, 4:20�pm, Banty wrote:
In article , Chris says... Maybe your ex is in the "know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know, the daddy's little girl scenario. As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent to her in what she perceives you would think. Or she could be either hanging on to her growing up girl unable to let go, or she may be overly controlling. �Or not. I wouldn't think he doesn't know his daughter because he's the father. �C'mon :-/ I just don't think we know what the story is; we'd at best get one side anyway. Except that, unless there is something out of the ordinary going on, the whole sitaution needs to proceed to a new set of relationships now, or soon, anyway. Banty Banty, I totally agree with all that you are saying here. I guess I just don't feel the need to pick apart others' posts. I mean, if I am relaying information on what I have witnessed based on certain relationship styles, then so be it; it definitely doesn't mean I intended to cover every single possible scenario that exists, as there are many, and it definitely doesn't mean I claim to be an expert on any of the possibilities. I offered the OP food for thought outside of the battle/difference of opinions that may exist. People generally aren't mean just to be so and everyone has their reasons, so trying to get to the bottom of what those are, is important, regardless of what those reasons turn out to be. I don't' automatically see "drama," or "conflict" when I see the word "ex" either. I tend to try to first find the good in everyone. Maybe they get along wonderfully, with only a disagreement on this issue, and maybe not, but that could equate to the mother believing that finding out a few things about their child that she knows and he doesn't would darned near do him in and she doesn't have the heart to diminish the angelic perception dad has of his daughter or what she believes may tarnish their relationship as a result for a period of time (a lot of dads do have a problem discovering certain things about their daughters [and not their sons]) - there are many different reasons they can differ on their approach, unfortunately. I know my mother didn't tell my dad a few things, and I know the reasons why - can't say I agree with them, but I can see why, so my words are meant to be possible eye openers as to other reasons why what is occurring even is, not to imply that the man doesn't know his daughter at all. I would appreciate it if they could be left out there for someone to ponder instead of being picked apart, i.e. is that a remote possibility? Sure it is, so what's the big deal about mentioning it? |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Curfew powers for new UK Child Support Agency | [email protected] | Child Support | 3 | December 18th 06 03:15 AM |
the curfew, story of a spanking gone right | Lifeknox | Spanking | 0 | March 23rd 04 09:51 PM |
The Curfew | Greg Hanson | Spanking | 6 | January 1st 04 08:06 AM |
the curfew, a mother daugher love story involving spanking | LadySharon811 | Spanking | 0 | October 28th 03 02:42 AM |
the curfew (a love story involving spanking) | LadySharon811 | Spanking | 0 | September 20th 03 10:56 PM |