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teenager breaking curfew



 
 
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  #11  
Old March 9th 08, 07:38 PM posted to misc.kids
Jeff
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Posts: 1,321
Default teenager breaking curfew

Tony wrote:
G'morning.

I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have
joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past
week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished
her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife
wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same
punishment at my place. Basically, to be on the same page. I disagree.
I don't have as many problems with my daughter as does my ex-wife.

Advice?


It's not your job to punish your daughter for your ex. It's your job to
establish appropriate house rules with appropriate consequences and
carry out those consequences for your house, not the ex's.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there is more going on than
just your daughter coming in late. The answer to these issues is not
your wife unilaterally stating the rules and consequences. There are two
adult parents involved. You should be able to sit down and discuss the
issues together as parents, and work out appropriate solutions. You
daughter is an adult. So she needs to be part of the discussions so she
buys into the solution, as well.

Jeff
  #12  
Old March 9th 08, 07:42 PM posted to misc.kids
Nan
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Posts: 346
Default teenager breaking curfew

On Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:50:36 -0700 (PDT), Tony
wrote:


Ok, I get it. No curfew for an 18 yrs old. Thank you.


Well, count me in the camp that think an 18 year old may still need
curfew during certain times. School nights, for instance.

What about honoring rules in both homes? I have my own set of rules
as does my ex. I don't think I should punish her for something she did
at her mom's/ Let her deal with it.


This I agree with. When my son was younger he'd receive whatever
consequences I set up if he broke my rules while he was with me. When
he'd go to his dad's house for the weekend, I didn't expect his dad to
carry the consequences over to his home... it didn't make any sense.

Nan

  #13  
Old March 9th 08, 07:51 PM posted to misc.kids
Jeff
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Posts: 1,321
Default teenager breaking curfew

Nan wrote:
On Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:50:36 -0700 (PDT), Tony
wrote:


Ok, I get it. No curfew for an 18 yrs old. Thank you.


Well, count me in the camp that think an 18 year old may still need
curfew during certain times. School nights, for instance.

What about honoring rules in both homes? I have my own set of rules
as does my ex. I don't think I should punish her for something she did
at her mom's/ Let her deal with it.


This I agree with. When my son was younger he'd receive whatever
consequences I set up if he broke my rules while he was with me. When
he'd go to his dad's house for the weekend, I didn't expect his dad to
carry the consequences over to his home... it didn't make any sense.

Nan


As an aside, I wish to add: I do think that it helps kids if the rules
are pretty consistent from house to house. For example, similar bed
times and similar consequences for hitting siblings. I said as an aside,
because in most cases, the rules are consistent enough.

I do also wish to add that it is appropriate for some punishments to
carry over to other houses. For example, if a child knew that if he
didn't get that report he had 3 weeks to finish done on time, then he
would not be allowed to watch TV, then that punishment should carry from
one house to the other. Of course, the key here is communication between
the parents.

Jeff
  #14  
Old March 9th 08, 08:33 PM posted to misc.kids
Chris
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Posts: 223
Default teenager breaking curfew

Maybe your ex is in the
"know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know,
the daddy's little girl scenario.


As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also
be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing
the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent
to her in what she perceives you would think.
  #15  
Old March 9th 08, 09:16 PM posted to misc.kids
Banty
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Posts: 2,278
Default teenager breaking curfew

In article ,
Chris says...

On Mar 9, 10:53=EF=BF=BDam, Tony wrote:
G'morning.

I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have
joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past
week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished
her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife
wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same
punishment at my place. Basically, to be on the same page. I disagree.
I don't have as many problems with my daughter as does my ex-wife.

Advice?


Well, at my house when I was 18, it didn't matter that I was old
enough to make my own decisions, as I was supposed to be old enough to
understand that walking in at 3 a.m. was also disruptive to the other
members of the household, so respecting that fact was also a part of
learning responsibility and respect for others. If I wound up spending
the night with a friend, so be it, as long as my parents knew it was
an unplanned possibility ("i.e. Hey mom, I might spend the night at
Cindi's," so they didn't worry their heads off that I had been left
for dead in a ditch.


Are you talking about 3 a.m. as in waking people up, or 3 a.m. as in people
worrying? Simple care addresses the first concern, a cell phone and a set of
rules about putting in calls addresses the second. Neither needs a curfew.

At my house, 100% freedom to do as I pleased only
came when I got my first apartment at almost 19.


Heck, the only time I ever felt the freedom to do as I pleased was when I lived
alone ;-) Which isn't now. Of course there needs to be respect for the
household and one has to work around others' needs.

Still doesn't need a curfew.

The two of you need
to work out the plan of attack on the issue though and be on the same
page. This will only come with open communication and in coming to an
agreement. Why does your wife feel a curfew is still necessary? Her
having two homes, one that doesn't enforce the punishment handed out
in the other, only enforces her in breaking the rules at the other,
and thereby disrespecting that parent. Afterall, she gets out of the
punishment at the other place, so a two-week punishment may only wind
up being one week based on where she is when. Maybe your ex is in the
"know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know,
the daddy's little girl scenario.


Yeah - there's no info on any of that, or how things have been worked out in the
past. Only a stripped down scenario and a question as to who's right; who's
wrong. Heck, how would *I* know who's right, if *either*?? Except that there's
a good chance the need for all that coordination and tension is over or soon to
be over (if she's still in high school, say). Makes me wonder why it's still a
struggle at *this* point. Unless there's other complications and concerns he's
not telling us about...

Banty

  #16  
Old March 9th 08, 09:20 PM posted to misc.kids
Banty
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Posts: 2,278
Default teenager breaking curfew

In article ,
Chris says...

Maybe your ex is in the
"know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know,
the daddy's little girl scenario.


As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also
be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing
the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent
to her in what she perceives you would think.



Or she could be either hanging on to her growing up girl unable to let go, or
she may be overly controlling. Or not.

I wouldn't think he doesn't know his daughter because he's the father. C'mon
:-/

I just don't think we know what the story is; we'd at best get one side anyway.

Except that, unless there is something out of the ordinary going on, the whole
sitaution needs to proceed to a new set of relationships now, or soon, anyway.

Banty

  #17  
Old March 9th 08, 11:38 PM posted to misc.kids
Michelle J. Haines
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Posts: 66
Default teenager breaking curfew

Banty wrote:

I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint
custody arrangement. Do you?


In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in
one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still
have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty.

Michelle
Flutist
  #18  
Old March 9th 08, 11:59 PM posted to misc.kids
Banty
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Posts: 2,278
Default teenager breaking curfew

In article , Michelle J. Haines says...

Banty wrote:

I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint
custody arrangement. Do you?


In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in
one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still
have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty.


Let's notch down together then, Michelle. I was *asking*. See - -

? -- that's a question mark

Banty

  #19  
Old March 10th 08, 12:15 AM posted to misc.kids
Jeff
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Posts: 1,321
Default teenager breaking curfew

Banty wrote:
In article , Michelle J. Haines says...
Banty wrote:
I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint
custody arrangement. Do you?

In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in
one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still
have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty.


Let's notch down together then, Michelle. I was *asking*. See - -

? -- that's a question mark

Banty


In most states, if a child has graduated high school or has had a baby,
the child is legally an adult.

In any event, one of the things we don't know is the emotional maturity
of the teenager. One can be legally an adult, but not emotionally ready.
There may be emotional maturity level here, too, although not
necessarily with the teen.

Jeff
  #20  
Old March 10th 08, 01:05 AM posted to misc.kids
Chris
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Posts: 223
Default teenager breaking curfew

On Mar 9, 4:20�pm, Banty wrote:
In article ,
Chris says...



Maybe your ex is in the
"know" on a few fronts that dad's don't always get to know - ya know,
the daddy's little girl scenario.


As childish as this possibility is, it is common.....you may not also
be "in the know" on some fronts because your ex may view her sharing
the "issue" with you may represent a failure on her part as a parent
to her in what she perceives you would think.


Or she could be either hanging on to her growing up girl unable to let go, or
she may be overly controlling. �Or not.

I wouldn't think he doesn't know his daughter because he's the father. �C'mon
:-/

I just don't think we know what the story is; we'd at best get one side anyway.

Except that, unless there is something out of the ordinary going on, the whole
sitaution needs to proceed to a new set of relationships now, or soon, anyway.

Banty


Banty, I totally agree with all that you are saying here. I guess I
just don't feel the need to pick apart others' posts. I mean, if I am
relaying information on what I have witnessed based on certain
relationship styles, then so be it; it definitely doesn't mean I
intended to cover every single possible scenario that exists, as there
are many, and it definitely doesn't mean I claim to be an expert on
any of the possibilities.

I offered the OP food for thought outside of the battle/difference of
opinions that may exist. People generally aren't mean just to be so
and everyone has their reasons, so trying to get to the bottom of what
those are, is important, regardless of what those reasons turn out to
be. I don't' automatically see "drama," or "conflict" when I see the
word "ex" either. I tend to try to first find the good in everyone.

Maybe they get along wonderfully, with only a disagreement on this
issue, and maybe not, but that could equate to the mother believing
that finding out a few things about their child that she knows and he
doesn't would darned near do him in and she doesn't have the heart to
diminish the angelic perception dad has of his daughter or what she
believes may tarnish their relationship as a result for a period of
time (a lot of dads do have a problem discovering certain things about
their daughters [and not their sons]) - there are many different
reasons they can differ on their approach, unfortunately.

I know my mother didn't tell my dad a few things, and I know the
reasons why - can't say I agree with them, but I can see why, so my
words are meant to be possible eye openers as to other reasons why
what is occurring even is, not to imply that the man doesn't know his
daughter at all. I would appreciate it if they could be left out there
for someone to ponder instead of being picked apart, i.e. is that a
remote possibility? Sure it is, so what's the big deal about
mentioning it?
 




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