Worried Mom

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night, worried about my almost 16 year
old son. Maybe it's because I've had a worst nightmare come true when
my mother was killed in a car accident that I worry a lot.

I'm the type of mom who makes my kids feel comfortable about having
friends come over to our house. If they show up with friends after
school or on the weekend, they always know that I'll be okay with
that. I like to know who they're hanging out with and I feel good
knowing that they're safe. If they aren't home, they know that I need
to know where they are, who they're with and approximately what time
they'll be home. They also know what I consider reasonable regarding
hometime.

There's only one thing I don't accept. My older son used to have a
group of friends that were just troubled kids. It got to the point
where I made it clear that I didn't want them around the house and I
didn't want him hanging around with them. I won't go into some of the
things they did or were into but whatever it was was totally
unacceptable.

Anyway, my son has continued communicating with one of the group on
MSN but he knows how I feel about this boy and he knows that I don't
want him getting together with him. This kid smokes (more than
cigarettes as far as I know), drinks, lies and talks in a crude
manner.

There's one thing that I always felt confident about until today. I
always believed that both of my sons were honest with me. But, today,
my older son lied to me and told me that he was going out with a
certain friend and it turns out he's with this kid I disapprove of.
He felt that lying would be better than telling me the truth. I went
out for about an hour. Before I left, I asked him what his plans were
for the day...I asked him if he was planning on just staying home and
he said he was. I came back and he was out and he left me a message
telling me that he'd be with a different friend. Later on, I called
that friend and he told me that he wasn't with him all day. Now, it's
going on 10 pm and he's not home and I know he's with that boy. I
found out. So, here I sit....worrying. I just want him to come home.
I'd rather know the truth even if I don't like it, than be lied to.

There's one thing that I always felt confident about until today. I
always believed that both of my sons were honest with me. But, today,
my older son lied to me and told me that he was going out with a
certain friend and it turns out he's with this kid I disapprove of.

He felt that lying would be better than telling me the truth.

Yea, that's a problem at this age. You really can't dictate their friends.
You can't really dictate anything can you? They can go out and do pretty much
whatever they want, and short of locking them up, what are ya gonna do?

I'm dealing with this with a 13 year old to a lesser extent. I don't like all
the girls she hangs with. They too, smoke and cus, I don't think they are
drinking yet. I worry about what she might be up to when I'm not around.
What I've come to is that I don't have control. I've given her my values, my
opinion. Now comes the time, less of my opinion, more listening. If they get
disapproval, of course they aren't going to be honest with you. I think this
is the hardest part of parenthood, preparing them for adulthood, accepting that
you don't have control. We want them to grow up and learn without having to
make the mistakes we made or others made but the sad fact is, we don't much of
what we want and maybe we shouldn't.

So have a talk that is mostly listening on your part. Let him tell you why he
still wants to see this boy. You can be honest about your feelings about it.
But he's heard enough of your side. He'll tell you he can be friends with him
without smoking and drinking and cussing, though the truth may be he is doing
some smoking, drinking and cussing. I guess I'd say, "I can't control you when
you are out of my sight, I have to trust you - but if you get picked up for
DUI, you are spending the night in jail."

Good luck

Joelle

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
There's one thing that I always felt confident about until today. I
always believed that both of my sons were honest with me. But, today,
my older son lied to me and told me that he was going out with a
certain friend and it turns out he's with this kid I disapprove of.

He felt that lying would be better than telling me the truth.

Yea, that's a problem at this age. You really can't dictate their
friends.
You can't really dictate anything can you? They can go out and do pretty
much
whatever they want, and short of locking them up, what are ya gonna do?

I'm dealing with this with a 13 year old to a lesser extent. I don't like
all
the girls she hangs with. They too, smoke and cus, I don't think they are
drinking yet. I worry about what she might be up to when I'm not around.
What I've come to is that I don't have control. I've given her my values,
my
opinion. Now comes the time, less of my opinion, more listening. If they
get
disapproval, of course they aren't going to be honest with you. I think
this
is the hardest part of parenthood, preparing them for adulthood, accepting
that
you don't have control. We want them to grow up and learn without having
to
make the mistakes we made or others made but the sad fact is, we don't
much of
what we want and maybe we shouldn't.

So have a talk that is mostly listening on your part. Let him tell you
why he
still wants to see this boy. You can be honest about your feelings about
it.
But he's heard enough of your side. He'll tell you he can be friends with
him
without smoking and drinking and cussing, though the truth may be he is
doing
some smoking, drinking and cussing. I guess I'd say, "I can't control you
when
you are out of my sight, I have to trust you - but if you get picked up
for
DUI, you are spending the night in jail."

Good luck

Joelle

What excellent advice, I'm going to save this post for when my children are
that age and re-read it, because I know I'll have a hard time with letting
go.

Christine

"Rhonda" wrote in message
om...

There's one thing that I always felt confident about until today. I
always believed that both of my sons were honest with me. But, today,
my older son lied to me and told me that he was going out with a
certain friend and it turns out he's with this kid I disapprove of.
He felt that lying would be better than telling me the truth. I went
out for about an hour. Before I left, I asked him what his plans were
for the day...I asked him if he was planning on just staying home and
he said he was. I came back and he was out and he left me a message
telling me that he'd be with a different friend. Later on, I called
that friend and he told me that he wasn't with him all day. Now, it's
going on 10 pm and he's not home and I know he's with that boy. I
found out. So, here I sit....worrying. I just want him to come home.
I'd rather know the truth even if I don't like it, than be lied to.

Seems to me they are just showing the learned behavior from you.

Rhonda wrote in message

snipped

It got to the point
where I made it clear that I didn't want them around the house and I
didn't want him hanging around with them

and

I'd rather know the truth even if I don't like it, than be lied to.

Here is the reality. You have put your son in a position where he has to lie
to you. There could be a number of reasons. He can't be bothered anymore
with the hassle of the ensuing lecture if he says he is meeting this guy or,
it could be that son is trying to spare your feelings on the basis that what
you don't know you can't worry about. Hopefully it's the latter.
At 16 you should have instilled the basics into your son long ago. He will
know right from wrong and he will choose his own friends with that
knowledge. Just because you do not like them does not mean that he should
not be friends with them. They may well have virtues you know nothing about
as you have never given them the time of day or, they could be a "bad 'uns"
through and through. Either way it is your sons call not yours. Your son
will work it out for himself.
The biggest danger for you now is to try and cut it out altogether. You will
fail and in so doing will cause a family rift that will last for years. Your
son will close up altogether and treat you with contempt. He will probably
try and disturb your friendships too. He will be thoroughly obnoxious.
From a previous post of yours I recall that you are not totally honest
yourself in the way you conduct your own friendships. Your son will know
this.
Perhaps you could use the opportunity that has presented itself to "come
clean" all round. If you wish to demand total honesty then you have to give
it. If you wish respect from your son towards your friends then you have to
show some to his as well.
Dictatorial parenting to a 16 year old is a non starter. Total openness is
the way to go. Acceptance that your son will make some errors of judgement
has to be acknowledged to yourself.
Time to let go of the apron strings.

Dennis, two boys in their twenties and one of 7

Joelle wrote in message

I'm dealing with this with a 13 year old to a lesser extent. I don't like
all
the girls she hangs with. They too, smoke and cus, I don't think they are
drinking yet. I worry about what she might be up to when I'm not around.


Heh heh! Think the worst and double it ;-)

Dennis

Yeppers ;-)

'Kate wrote in message ...
On Sun, 2 Nov 2003 08:50:03 -0500, "Paul Fritz"


"Rhonda" wrote in message
. com...

There's one thing that I always felt confident about until today. I
always believed that both of my sons were honest with me. But, today,
my older son lied to me and told me that he was going out with a
certain friend and it turns out he's with this kid I disapprove of.
He felt that lying would be better than telling me the truth. I went
out for about an hour. Before I left, I asked him what his plans were
for the day...I asked him if he was planning on just staying home and
he said he was. I came back and he was out and he left me a message
telling me that he'd be with a different friend. Later on, I called
that friend and he told me that he wasn't with him all day. Now, it's
going on 10 pm and he's not home and I know he's with that boy. I
found out. So, here I sit....worrying. I just want him to come home.
I'd rather know the truth even if I don't like it, than be lied to.

Seems to me they are just showing the learned behavior from you.

Which part? Lying about relationships with others?

'Kate

Last night, my son walked through the door at almost 11 pm on the
nose. We had a long talk and he thought I'd be angrier than I was. I
knew that being angry would get me nowhere. I let him know how I feel
but it was all non-threatening and very open. I listened to him tell
me why he did what he did and I explained that I can't be there all
the time and that he's going to do what he wants when I'm not around.
I told him that no matter what, it's better to be honest and I'll
always be there for him. He plunked himself on the couch beside me
and we sat for a long time next to one another. Yes, I once stopped
him from hanging around a group of kids and he did, but I really think
it's because it made sense to him, not because I said so. He
obviously sees something in this kid that makes him want to hang out
with him. I realize that the important thing is that he's aware of my
feelings and reasons behind them and then the rest, I have to leave up
to him. All in all, I believe he's sensible and responsible but I'm
just being a mother and having teenage growing pains a little.

Thanks for your responses....especially, Paul Fritz...I find your
advice most thoughtful and helpful. :P I hope you're enjoying
yourself.

"Paul Fritz" wrote in message
...

Just keep wearing those blinders.......it will get you so far in life.

The more I think about it, the more I think they should be issued at birth.
Ah well.


--
Paul Griffiths

Just keep wearing those blinders.......it will get you so far in life.

"Rhonda" wrote in message
om...
Last night, my son walked through the door at almost 11 pm on the
nose. We had a long talk and he thought I'd be angrier than I was. I
knew that being angry would get me nowhere. I let him know how I feel
but it was all non-threatening and very open. I listened to him tell
me why he did what he did and I explained that I can't be there all
the time and that he's going to do what he wants when I'm not around.
I told him that no matter what, it's better to be honest and I'll
always be there for him. He plunked himself on the couch beside me
and we sat for a long time next to one another. Yes, I once stopped
him from hanging around a group of kids and he did, but I really think
it's because it made sense to him, not because I said so. He
obviously sees something in this kid that makes him want to hang out
with him. I realize that the important thing is that he's aware of my
feelings and reasons behind them and then the rest, I have to leave up
to him. All in all, I believe he's sensible and responsible but I'm
just being a mother and having teenage growing pains a little.

Thanks for your responses....especially, Paul Fritz...I find your
advice most thoughtful and helpful. :P I hope you're enjoying
yourself.