Grandparents Discussing Age Inappropriate Topics

I need help on this one. I have a boyfriend I see about 1 time a month, my
child isn't around him often, and he's not someone I will marry. I am a
single working mom in college, and my daughter brought up something about
my boyfriend, and my parents proceeded to tell her that they didn't like
him b/c he hasn't been to college and b/c he's made me cry. (they haven't
ever met him, and people cry in every relationship). I tried to tell my
mother that was innapropriate, but she said she will tell her whatever she
thinks is right. My problem, is that they are helping me out financially
with what my scholarships, grants etc., don't pay for in college. They
think this gives them the right to control me, and I won't have them
talking to her about age innapropriate things, and am working on not
taking any of their help, but how do I show them that what they are doing
is damaging to her psyche? I am a Social Work major, and my mother has
never gotten what it means to be a parent. PLEASAE HELP!!!!!

On Mon, 11 Apr 2005 11:58:11 -0400, "carolehaws"
wrote:

I need help on this one. I have a boyfriend I see about 1 time a month, my
child isn't around him often, and he's not someone I will marry. I am a
single working mom in college, and my daughter brought up something about
my boyfriend, and my parents proceeded to tell her that they didn't like
him b/c he hasn't been to college and b/c he's made me cry. (they haven't
ever met him, and people cry in every relationship). I tried to tell my
mother that was innapropriate, but she said she will tell her whatever she
thinks is right. My problem, is that they are helping me out financially
with what my scholarships, grants etc., don't pay for in college. They
think this gives them the right to control me, and I won't have them
talking to her about age innapropriate things, and am working on not
taking any of their help, but how do I show them that what they are doing
is damaging to her psyche? I am a Social Work major, and my mother has
never gotten what it means to be a parent. PLEASAE HELP!!!!!

Are they also watching her for you? If so, is there any way you can
arrange alternate care?
If my parents felt the need to fill my child's head with inappropriate
topics after I expressed the desire that they don't, I'd limit
contact.
By saying what she did, your mother is disrespecting you as a parent.

Nan

No they don't watch her for me. They havent' seen her without me since
Christmas. They have been helping with her school (Montessori, and I can't
afford and ex won't pay his portion) and since she will be 6 in August, I
am going to put her in Public school and am finding out about the after
care program at her new school. I have been dating this guy for almost 3
years, when he has visited my house and my daughter is home, he sleeps in
the guest bedroom. The problem is, we are living in one of their houses so
I can finish school, and I am afraid they will kick us out. She really
gets into controlling people with money. It took me 12 years to get her
very strange parenting out of my head and reactions, and then I've had to
put myself back in the middle of this in order to get my degree and not
have to rely on them, i just feel like I am having to sell my soul, but I
need to figure out how to get the point across to them that they don't
decide what's appropriate, and that I do. Do you have any suggestions nan?

"carolehaws" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
No they don't watch her for me. They havent' seen her without me since
Christmas. They have been helping with her school (Montessori, and I can't
afford and ex won't pay his portion) and since she will be 6 in August, I
am going to put her in Public school and am finding out about the after
care program at her new school. I have been dating this guy for almost 3
years, when he has visited my house and my daughter is home, he sleeps in
the guest bedroom. The problem is, we are living in one of their houses so
I can finish school, and I am afraid they will kick us out. She really
gets into controlling people with money. It took me 12 years to get her
very strange parenting out of my head and reactions, and then I've had to
put myself back in the middle of this in order to get my degree and not
have to rely on them, i just feel like I am having to sell my soul, but I
need to figure out how to get the point across to them that they don't
decide what's appropriate, and that I do. Do you have any suggestions nan?



From what I see, you have two problems that seem linked, but aren't really.


1) Your parents are financially supporting you.

2) Your parents are saying things to your child which you feel are
inappropriate.

The reason I think these two issues are not linked, is that if you lived
entirely financially independent of your parents, you would still be dealing
with issue #2. And even in the situation you are in, if they withdraw
their financial support from you, you are STILL going to be dealing with
issue #2. So that is really what you need to resolve.

My advice would be to say to your parents that you feel their discussion
with your daughter is inappropriate, and politely ask them to refrain from
discussing this further. If your mother refuses, then you have two
choices -- 1) live with it, and teach your daughter to say "I don't want to
talk about this Grandma", or 2) move yourself and your daughter away from
your parents' home and supervise their visitation until they can control
their discussion topics.

Actually, you should probably work towards both solutions, come to think of
it.

Donna

"carolehaws" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
No they don't watch her for me. They havent' seen her without me since
Christmas. They have been helping with her school (Montessori, and I can't
afford and ex won't pay his portion) and since she will be 6 in August, I
am going to put her in Public school and am finding out about the after
care program at her new school. I have been dating this guy for almost 3
years, when he has visited my house and my daughter is home, he sleeps in
the guest bedroom. The problem is, we are living in one of their houses so
I can finish school, and I am afraid they will kick us out. She really
gets into controlling people with money. It took me 12 years to get her
very strange parenting out of my head and reactions, and then I've had to
put myself back in the middle of this in order to get my degree and not
have to rely on them, i just feel like I am having to sell my soul, but I
need to figure out how to get the point across to them that they don't
decide what's appropriate, and that I do. Do you have any suggestions nan?

Two things come to mind:

1) It sounds like the biggest problem is your relationship with your mother.
What I would suggest is trying to cut back on school, working so that you
don't need your mom's money, and finishing up school maybe one year later.

The other thing that comes to mind is that you might be better off taking
your mom's money, ignore her limitations and stupid comments, accept that
this is what really is best for your daughter, and get out of there as soon
as you get a paying job.

2) If you were able to speak to a counselor (perhaps you can talk to someone
at your school or place of worship), you might be able to sort our your
feelings about your mother better.

I get the feeling that there is more going on than you told us in just a
few paragraphs. The counselor would be able to sort that out too.

(I encourage you to continue to post here, as well, of course.)

Jeff

carolehaws wrote:

No they don't watch her for me. They havent' seen her without me since
Christmas. They have been helping with her school (Montessori, and I can't
afford and ex won't pay his portion) and since she will be 6 in August, I
am going to put her in Public school and am finding out about the after
care program at her new school. I have been dating this guy for almost 3
years, when he has visited my house and my daughter is home, he sleeps in
the guest bedroom. The problem is, we are living in one of their houses so
I can finish school, and I am afraid they will kick us out. She really
gets into controlling people with money. It took me 12 years to get her
very strange parenting out of my head and reactions, and then I've had to
put myself back in the middle of this in order to get my degree and not
have to rely on them, i just feel like I am having to sell my soul, but I
need to figure out how to get the point across to them that they don't
decide what's appropriate, and that I do. Do you have any suggestions nan?

When you get right down to it, they've got you over a barrel.
It's not nice, but that's the way it is. You've already made the point
to them that you don't like it when they do such things, and apparently
that's not enough to get the to change their ways. Anything stronger
may result in them deciding to spend their money elsewhere in
retaliation, which wouldn't be nice, but is their prerogative.
Your first obligation is to do right by your child, which
isn't necessarily an easy choice in this situation. On the one
hand, it is inappropriate for your parents to speak to her that
way, but on the other hand, it is likely better for her in the
long run for you to finish school. You've already taken the first
appropriate step in asking them not to discuss such things with your
daughter. They've chosen not to respect that. So, now you need to
figure out what decisions will protect your daughter, hopefully while
preserving your ability to finish school. A few options:

1) A better heart-to-heart with your parents. Perhaps if you
approach the discussion with cooler heads all around, you can
explain that such topics are detrimental to your daughter's
emotional health. Perhaps you can find a book or some other
authority that will back you up on that. Perhaps you could say
that you understand they don't approve of your choices, but
you'd appreciate it if they took those issues up with you
directly rather than involving your daughter. Then, don't
go ballistic when they bring the issue they have with your
boyfriend up with you.

2) Don't give your parents any more ammunition. Clearly they are
not going to act responsibly on any information they have about
your relationship, so don't tell them about it. They aren't
trustworth confidantes, so don't cry or complain to your
mother about your boyfriend. Ever.

3) Limit unsupervised contact between your daughter and your
parents. If it looks like conversations are going to get
inappropriate (I'll bet you can recognize some triggers),
find a reason to leave.

It's always a tough situation to be dependent on your parents.
You really don't have a leg to stand on when you need their money.
Ideally, you'd have the option of just walking away on your own
terms, but as long as you need their money, you don't. Obviously,
it's not nice of them to handle it this way, but the fact is that
they have chosen to do so and there's not much you can do about it.
Either you find a way to finance school on your own, or you basically
suck it up and find ways to minimize the damage until you can. It's
a shame they're apparently willing to damage their long-term
relationship with you and with their granddaughter. Finish
quickly and well and land a good job so that you can get out from
under this ASAP.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Well you guys are great! This is what I am working on as we speak. I've
decided that she is going to go to public school in the fall,and not the
private school that the parents are paying for. There's one thing down. I
have contacted her dad to tell him that we are going to revisit the child
support amount, as we are going on the salary I made full time and not as
a part time worker and college student, he's gotten off to easy. I am
going to file for the portion of his child support that he refused to
pay,which is over 8 thousand dollars since August 2003. He is going to pay
for his part of her aftercare after she goes to school. I am going to get
student loans and take as many classes as I humanly can without losing my
mind. Normally I take about 6 a semester and 6 in the summer, but if I can
take 9 and still work as much as i do now, then I will get out quicker. I
am going to get on a list for housing help through DHS, and hopefully I
won't ever have to use it, maybe they will let me keep living in the house
until I am finished, but if not, then I am at least on the list, and that
way, they won't be paying for her school, or part of my college (what's
left over after my single parent scholarships and pell grants kick in)and
I can get student loans to pay for the rest of college. Then get the hell
out and move back to Tulsa where my real family of friends and my support
system is. If anyone knows of any book that would help, please let me
know...either with my innapropriate parents, or with my single parent in
college situation. Thank you all.. I really do need this help...

"carolehaws" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Well you guys are great! This is what I am working on as we speak. I've
decided that she is going to go to public school in the fall,and not the
private school that the parents are paying for. There's one thing down. I
have contacted her dad to tell him that we are going to revisit the child
support amount, as we are going on the salary I made full time and not as
a part time worker and college student, he's gotten off to easy. I am
going to file for the portion of his child support that he refused to
pay,which is over 8 thousand dollars since August 2003. He is going to pay
for his part of her aftercare after she goes to school. I am going to get
student loans and take as many classes as I humanly can without losing my
mind. Normally I take about 6 a semester and 6 in the summer, but if I can
take 9 and still work as much as i do now, then I will get out quicker. I
am going to get on a list for housing help through DHS, and hopefully I
won't ever have to use it, maybe they will let me keep living in the house
until I am finished, but if not, then I am at least on the list, and that
way, they won't be paying for her school, or part of my college (what's
left over after my single parent scholarships and pell grants kick in)and
I can get student loans to pay for the rest of college. Then get the hell
out and move back to Tulsa where my real family of friends and my support
system is. If anyone knows of any book that would help, please let me
know...either with my innapropriate parents, or with my single parent in
college situation. Thank you all.. I really do need this help...

One other question comes to mind: Your real family is Tulsa.

Can you move to Tulsa and complete your schooling there? It may very well
be worth losing a year of school and getting to Tulsa and away from your
mother to get home.

Either way, it looks like you are on the right track.

Good luck,

Jeff

Well, by family, I mean best friends. They are great support and understand
how my mother is. This happening was a concern for many of my friends. I
do at least have the free house to live in until I get my degree, and
everything else that they have been helping with, college tuition, books,
my daughter's school tuition, helping with the gas bill every now and
then, I have eliminated as of today. I just can't make enough to live on
if I don't have the help of the free house...but I am going to up the
number of classes I take and get out as quickly as possible, and have
asked my boss for additional hours, I have work study too, so keep your
fingers crossed and if you can recommend a good book to send to them, b/c
I did talk to them today and they said they will tell my daughter whatever
they think is right.... I would appreciate the help... Thanks again!!!

On Mon, 11 Apr 2005 11:58:11 -0400, "carolehaws"
wrote:

I need help on this one. I have a boyfriend I see about 1 time a month, my
child isn't around him often, and he's not someone I will marry. I am a
single working mom in college, and my daughter brought up something about
my boyfriend, and my parents proceeded to tell her that they didn't like
him b/c he hasn't been to college and b/c he's made me cry. (they haven't
ever met him, and people cry in every relationship). I tried to tell my
mother that was innapropriate, but she said she will tell her whatever she
thinks is right. My problem, is that they are helping me out financially
with what my scholarships, grants etc., don't pay for in college. They
think this gives them the right to control me, and I won't have them
talking to her about age innapropriate things, and am working on not
taking any of their help, but how do I show them that what they are doing
is damaging to her psyche? I am a Social Work major, and my mother has
never gotten what it means to be a parent. PLEASAE HELP!!!!!

You need to choose between taking their "help" while you are in school, and
being a parent to your daughter. Your mother isn't just ignoring your wishes
as a parent, and that's bad enough right there. She's using your daughter as
a tool in what sounds like an ongoing fight between you and her. It doesn't
matter whether she's right about the boyfriend or not. It doesn't matter that
she has the right to her opinions.

She has no right to use your daughter as a tool to get at you because THAT
HURTS YOUR DAUGHTER.

You're the parent. It's your responsibility to protect your daughter, at
whatever cost to yourself. If you're living with her, please move out. If
she babysits for you, please make other arrangements. And when she complains
that you aren't letting her spend time alone with her granddaughter, tell her
why. You don't have to yell, be rude, or cry. Just be firm, refuse to make
excuses, and tell her that this is how things will be until she quit hurting
her grandaughter.

I love my mom. She's a great mom, and a great grandmother. She's a lot of
help. (I've got a daughter and twin boys, all in elementary school.) When
Mom doesn't like who I date or what I do, she tells me to my face. That's
cool. If she EVER put the kids in the middle of a fight between her and me,
though, I'd set her straight the first time.

Of course, when you're six three, have a loud voice, and spent a few years
practice as a drill sergeant, you do learn how to lay the law down. ;-)