I'm back in the loop?

Well, it's been a while... I finally have made the decision that I want to
move on with MY life. Norm was last 'welcome' to live in the house almost 3
weeks ago - the 27th of July, I believe it was. He will be welcome back in
the house and family if and when there's some MAJOR changes.
I'm not putting up with BS anymore, and I also see it as unfair to the kids,
as well as unfair to me. I've had it with immature, selfish behavior from
him, and I fianally put my foot down. I'm hoping I have made the right
decision. I'm not wanting or willing to talk with him - that's gone nowhere
for waaay too long. Actions speak volumes, and that goes for both positive
and negative actions. No more lies and promises from him, it's going to
have to be the actions that I see.
His sister had the nerve to accuse me of keeping the kids away from him. I
nearly lost it on her. HE is the one keeping himself from the kids, not me
keeping him from them/them from him. The door has ALWAYS been open to him,
phone lines have always been free. He knows where we are and how to get a
hold of me.
At this point, I'm sick and tired of lying to myself. I've always thought
that he was a good dad - when he's around - but AFAIC, that's NOT a good
dad. His actions have shown that he cares more about himself than the rest
of the family, and that's not being a good, responsible, loving parent by
any stretch of my imagination. Maybe with this kick in the a$$, it might be
what he needs? I really don't know. I'm not hoping either way. I do love
him, and I do know he loves me, and the kids, but I just cannot swallow the
drug issue, or the problem of blowing ALL the money on... ?? I don't know.
I don't even want to know.

I'm now racking my brain as to where to go from here... Norm's been
unreliable the last 2 months for anything - bills, rent, food, whatever -
and a while back, I swallowed my pride and hauled us all down to get some
assistance. Now I'm being forced to go to family maintenance to go after
him for child support. Honestly, this is not something I want to do, as I
know how he's going to react when it comes down to it. He'll go nutso
Last week, though, I had left a message with his mom telling her straight up
that I have an appointment with family maintenance and have no choice but to
go. I asked her to pass on the message that if he wants, I'd much rather
settle this on our own, one on on, rather than dealing with any form of
maintenance. I said I'd rather walk into this appointment with something in
my hand to go with - an agreement between him and I that we both agree to
and can deal with. I'm not sure if she passed the message on or not
(although I do assume she did) or if he just made the choice to ignore it
all together. Well, now it's out of my hands. I'd much rather he come
around and see the kids than have it like this, but oh well... I'm kind of
grasping at straws finding a way to survive. I also know that this will all
pass, and as it normally is, it's when HE feels like it, but this time I'm
going to call the shots. He's more than welcome to stop by any time to
visit, have supper, hang out, whatever, and he's always had the option to
call and even ask me to drop by, meet him somewhere or whatever (he doesn't
drive, still)

But, anyways, I'm back in the single crowd (no, I'm not single and looking
lol) we're just taking a break and letting things cool. Maybe he needs to
see that we don't *need* him to survive. I've been on my own before, so now
that I have to do it again, I will.

I'm less stressed out lately as things seem to be going alright as far as
everything else goes. B is off to go camping until Friday with my aunt and
uncle, and I'm waiting to hear if picking him up tonight or tomorrow morning
works better for them. A's been walking for probably over a month now, and
she's been off running like there's no tomorrow for a few weeks! I feel
like I'm so exhausted, but I also think that this week I can take it easy
with just the baby and B out of my hair for a few days! I'll use this time
to do some more around the house. I did a MAJOR cleaning a couple weeks ago
and was so proud of myself, then a disaster happend, and I call that
disaster 'My Dear Children' The upstairs (my bedroom excluded) are doing
fantastic, and so is the main floor, although kitchen could use a mopping
real soon... I plan to use this week for relaxing, doing ANYTHING with that
darn basement which is a disaster and maybe redoing the bedroom and
reorganizing and doing major cleaning in there. I was given an extra crib
the other day so now I have a total of 3 and only need 2. I'm keeping A's
crib as I just bought it and it also converts into a toddler bed, and I'm
keeping the newest of the free cribs as I think I really like white cribs -
the brown one I offered to our friends who are expecting yet another baby in
January (these are our friends who had the little boy 5 weeks after A was
born) so they definitely need a second crib, and they're welcome to this one
if they want it and like it!.
Sorted through all of A's clothes and gave away whatever is going to be
obviously and clearly out of season for this baby (there might be some
concerns with a baby wearing a light summer dress in the dead of winter!)
and I gave away all of B's infant clothes to another person, and sorted
through and gave all the other bigger clothes to my friend who's baby was
born the same day as A... I even went so far as to clear out B's closet of
stuff he's grown out of and gave them all to a young single mom with a
little boy just a bit younger than B and a little girl a bit younger than A.
I'm on a roll for getting things in order and making room... Which there's
very little of... I've also decided that, eventually, I will change rooms
with A and put the 2 babies in the biggest room, as that seems to make the
most sense, unless some major miracle happens and we can all move - Ha. As
if that's happening any time soon!

Now, since my aunt and uncle are taking B tonight in about an hour, I should
get off to go pack his stuff and have him ready (for once!)

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
I'm sorry to hear that Norm isn't straightening his life out. It sounds
like you are though... so good.

I just can't keep dealing with the immaturity, to start with, not to mention
all the other stuff. He is a good person, deep down, and I do care and know
he does, but at this point, and for quite some time, he's shown he just
doesn't care about anyone but himself. This, I know, will take time and
effort - on his part, not mine.

You'll be ok. You have a family that cares about you and is willing to
help. And you have time to make plans for what to do after the baby's
born and you're back on your feet.

I think now that things are the way they are, my family would be more
willing to help and only because I want to help myself (finally).
For now, I'll let things go as they go. Just kind of go with the flow and
take whatever help I can get and find. I hope it doesn't have to be for
very long, just as long as it has to be...

Have you given any thought to a career for yourself? Maybe put some of
that time you use to spend trying to keep Norm straight into working on
something for the future for yourself?

Yes. I was actually planning on getting back in school this September, but
obviously that's been put on hold. The original plan was that Norm was
going to work, B would be in school and I'd put A in daycare to go to school
for a couple years, then I would have an actual job I want and Norm would go
to school. Pardon me, but screw him, I will wait until next September (by
that time, B will be in school full time, A will be 2 and this baby will be
11ish months old or so. I want to get back into school and work towards
something. For the time being, I might pick up small jobs here and there -
find a way to go weekly to my dad's work to do a bit of cleaning that he
sorta 'hired' me for - about 2 hours worth of cleaning for $20 a week isn't
too bad, considering it's better than nothing for sure. I might also take a
friend up on his offer to help him out with fixing computers... This is,
mind you, something I absolutely dispise (a total waste of school and
effort, as far as I see it) but he's willing to pay me $60 per computer,
which is pretty good. I'm not so sure I'm with the idea of getting paid
under the table, but then again, it wouldn't be very often, just every once
in a while, and I'm sure there's a way you can claim income for taxes or
something with a job like this... This offer is for a small, small company
that he runs, and something I might bend and look into until *next* year...
Gives me some time to look into school and get things ready for that. I
really do want to go back and have something to go with as far as a life
goes! I'm sick of feeling like I have to depend on everyone (Norm, my
parents, friends, random people, the taxpayers...) I really do want a life,
and one that pays the bills and then some and gives the kids everything I
had growing up and more.

xkatx wrote:
Well, it's been a while... I finally have made the decision that I want to
move on with MY life. Norm was last 'welcome' to live in the house almost 3
weeks ago - the 27th of July, I believe it was. He will be welcome back in
the house and family if and when there's some MAJOR changes.
I'm not putting up with BS anymore, and I also see it as unfair to the kids,
as well as unfair to me. I've had it with immature, selfish behavior from
him, and I fianally put my foot down. I'm hoping I have made the right
decision. I'm not wanting or willing to talk with him - that's gone nowhere
for waaay too long. Actions speak volumes, and that goes for both positive
and negative actions. No more lies and promises from him, it's going to
have to be the actions that I see.
His sister had the nerve to accuse me of keeping the kids away from him. I
nearly lost it on her. HE is the one keeping himself from the kids, not me
keeping him from them/them from him. The door has ALWAYS been open to him,
phone lines have always been free. He knows where we are and how to get a
hold of me.
At this point, I'm sick and tired of lying to myself. I've always thought
that he was a good dad - when he's around - but AFAIC, that's NOT a good
dad. His actions have shown that he cares more about himself than the rest
of the family, and that's not being a good, responsible, loving parent by
any stretch of my imagination. Maybe with this kick in the a$$, it might be
what he needs? I really don't know. I'm not hoping either way. I do love
him, and I do know he loves me, and the kids, but I just cannot swallow the
drug issue, or the problem of blowing ALL the money on... ?? I don't know.
I don't even want to know.

I'm now racking my brain as to where to go from here... Norm's been
unreliable the last 2 months for anything - bills, rent, food, whatever -
and a while back, I swallowed my pride and hauled us all down to get some
assistance. Now I'm being forced to go to family maintenance to go after
him for child support. Honestly, this is not something I want to do, as I
know how he's going to react when it comes down to it. He'll go nutso
Last week, though, I had left a message with his mom telling her straight up
that I have an appointment with family maintenance and have no choice but to
go. I asked her to pass on the message that if he wants, I'd much rather
settle this on our own, one on on, rather than dealing with any form of
maintenance. I said I'd rather walk into this appointment with something in
my hand to go with - an agreement between him and I that we both agree to
and can deal with. I'm not sure if she passed the message on or not
(although I do assume she did) or if he just made the choice to ignore it
all together. Well, now it's out of my hands. I'd much rather he come
around and see the kids than have it like this, but oh well... I'm kind of
grasping at straws finding a way to survive. I also know that this will all
pass, and as it normally is, it's when HE feels like it, but this time I'm
going to call the shots. He's more than welcome to stop by any time to
visit, have supper, hang out, whatever, and he's always had the option to
call and even ask me to drop by, meet him somewhere or whatever (he doesn't
drive, still)

But, anyways, I'm back in the single crowd (no, I'm not single and looking
lol) we're just taking a break and letting things cool. Maybe he needs to
see that we don't *need* him to survive. I've been on my own before, so now
that I have to do it again, I will.

I'm less stressed out lately as things seem to be going alright as far as
everything else goes. B is off to go camping until Friday with my aunt and
uncle, and I'm waiting to hear if picking him up tonight or tomorrow morning
works better for them. A's been walking for probably over a month now, and
she's been off running like there's no tomorrow for a few weeks! I feel
like I'm so exhausted, but I also think that this week I can take it easy
with just the baby and B out of my hair for a few days! I'll use this time
to do some more around the house. I did a MAJOR cleaning a couple weeks ago
and was so proud of myself, then a disaster happend, and I call that
disaster 'My Dear Children' The upstairs (my bedroom excluded) are doing
fantastic, and so is the main floor, although kitchen could use a mopping
real soon... I plan to use this week for relaxing, doing ANYTHING with that
darn basement which is a disaster and maybe redoing the bedroom and
reorganizing and doing major cleaning in there. I was given an extra crib
the other day so now I have a total of 3 and only need 2. I'm keeping A's
crib as I just bought it and it also converts into a toddler bed, and I'm
keeping the newest of the free cribs as I think I really like white cribs -
the brown one I offered to our friends who are expecting yet another baby in
January (these are our friends who had the little boy 5 weeks after A was
born) so they definitely need a second crib, and they're welcome to this one
if they want it and like it!.
Sorted through all of A's clothes and gave away whatever is going to be
obviously and clearly out of season for this baby (there might be some
concerns with a baby wearing a light summer dress in the dead of winter!)
and I gave away all of B's infant clothes to another person, and sorted
through and gave all the other bigger clothes to my friend who's baby was
born the same day as A... I even went so far as to clear out B's closet of
stuff he's grown out of and gave them all to a young single mom with a
little boy just a bit younger than B and a little girl a bit younger than A.
I'm on a roll for getting things in order and making room... Which there's
very little of... I've also decided that, eventually, I will change rooms
with A and put the 2 babies in the biggest room, as that seems to make the
most sense, unless some major miracle happens and we can all move - Ha. As
if that's happening any time soon!

Now, since my aunt and uncle are taking B tonight in about an hour, I should
get off to go pack his stuff and have him ready (for once!)

Kat,

Sorry that your troubles with Norm have not improved. It is very
difficult when you love and care for someone that is an addict. I wish
you luck and I hope he gets the help he needs to be able to be a part
of your childrens lives.
Bev