Going through the "why me?!" phase

I'm usually not one to wallow in self-pity, and both DH and I have
always tried to focus on the positive - our motto has been "We're
lucky in our bad luck", but both of us have kind of been hit with a
feeling of "Why can't we get this to work easily?"

I know I shouldn't complain, provided we chart and time it well, I've
had no trouble getting pregnant despite my age. The sperm and egg know
how to find each other, it's after that the the trouble starts. We do
have a beautiful child and I count my blessings daily, I have friends
still struggling with infertility so I should consider myself lucky.
I'm hesitant to complain at all because I know people have it worse,
but I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with us.

First pg, tho we tried ~4 cycles, once we really got the charting and
timing down right, we conceived easily. Then I miscarried at 11 weeks.
Nothing spectacular, the usual random occurrence (fetus stopped
developing at 6 weeks but I didn't show any m/c signs until almost 12
weeks).

Second pg, conceived the first time I ovulated post-m/c (about 4
months), great pregnancy, no complications, labor started off nicely,
then DD was born with severe meconium aspiration syndrome and they
didn't think she'd survive. She did and shows no ill effects of those
troubles. And though we're thrilled all worked out well in the end,
we're a tiny bit disappointed that we didn't get to have a 'normal'
newborn experience.

Third pg, due to BF I didn't have cycles til 13 months pp, then it
took til ~16.5 months to conceive, not too bad. But that was ectopic.
Now, I don't have the same feelings about the miscarriage aspect as I
didn't think I was pg until I already knew I was miscarrying. it's a
sort of after the fact loss, KWIM? I'm glad it's past, we can try
again, my fertility shouldn't be very compromised except for an
increased risk of another ectopic.

DH and I both were going over all the above and realizing, we haven't
had the best of luck overall, have we? Like I said, I know we're more
fortunate than many, we should be happy with what we have. We're just
feeling a bit down about the whole thing....why can't it be easier?
Why do we have to go through all these traumas to have a family?

Thanks for listening. I just needed to unburden myself a bit.

Hi, C -- I haven't been reading here for the last few months, but I
just saw your story after reading something on mk. How scary! I'm so
glad that you had the self-confidence to keep on going in and
(finally, at least) getting the care you needed. I know what you mean
about not wanting to look like a hypochondriac, or be one of 'those'
patients -- when you think about it, it's pretty ridiculous that we
should care what some stranger who probably will never remember/ see
us again thinks, but there you have it.

But I really wanted to say that I don't think what you're feeling
right now (the 'why me' phase) is *at all* wallowing in self-pity.
One of my friends is going through secondary infertility (I'm not
saying that's what's happening to you -- she's unable to conceive at
all) -- and I know there are people who think "you already have a
beautiful little girl; you should be glad and get over not being able
to be pregnant again" -- but first, it seems like most of those people
HAVE more than one child, and second, sure, there are always people
worse off than you, but that doesn't make your own situation any less
real or your feelings any less strong or valid.

I do know how you feel about a disappointing birth experience. And
yes, we're both happy that our kids are OK and that we're OK, and yes,
that's the overwhelming feeling and we would never complain about
that. But it's OK to be sad not to have the homebirth (and for me, a
subsequent homebirth), and it's DEFINITELY OK for you to feel sad
about not having a 'normal' newborn experience with A in the NICU.

Hugs... I hope things get easier. No more trips to the ER!!!

Em
mama to Micah and Shiloh

On Jan 16, 9:34*am, cjra wrote:
I'm usually not one to wallow in self-pity, and both DH and I have
always tried to focus on the positive - our motto has been "We're
lucky in our bad luck", but both of us have kind of been hit with a
feeling of "Why can't we get this to work easily?"

I know I shouldn't complain, provided we chart and time it well, I've
had no trouble getting pregnant despite my age. The sperm and egg know
how to find each other, it's after that the the trouble starts. We do
have a beautiful child and I count my blessings daily, I have friends
still struggling with infertility so I should consider myself lucky.
I'm hesitant to complain at all because I know people have it worse,
but I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with us.

First pg, tho we tried ~4 cycles, once we really got the charting and
timing down right, we conceived easily. Then I miscarried at 11 weeks.
Nothing spectacular, the usual random occurrence (fetus stopped
developing at 6 weeks but I didn't show any m/c signs until almost 12
weeks).

Second pg, conceived the first time I ovulated post-m/c (about 4
months), great pregnancy, no complications, labor started off nicely,
then DD was born with severe meconium aspiration syndrome and they
didn't think she'd survive. She did and shows no ill effects of those
troubles. And though we're thrilled all worked out well in the end,
we're a tiny bit disappointed that we didn't get to have a 'normal'
newborn experience.

Third pg, due to BF I didn't have cycles til 13 months pp, then it
took til ~16.5 months to conceive, not too bad. But that was ectopic.
Now, I don't have the same feelings about the miscarriage aspect as I
didn't think I was pg until I already knew I was miscarrying. it's a
sort of after the fact loss, KWIM? *I'm glad it's past, we can try
again, my fertility shouldn't be very compromised except for an
increased risk of another ectopic.

DH and I both were going over all the above and realizing, we haven't
had the best of luck overall, have we? Like I said, I know we're more
fortunate than many, we should be happy with what we have. We're just
feeling a bit down about the whole thing....why can't it be easier?
Why do we have to go through all these traumas to have a family?

Thanks for listening. I just needed to unburden myself *a bit.

On 16 Jan, 17:34, cjra wrote:
I'm usually not one to wallow in self-pity, and both DH and I have
always tried to focus on the positive - our motto has been "We're
lucky in our bad luck", but both of us have kind of been hit with a
feeling of "Why can't we get this to work easily?"
snip rest of post

You have every right to wallow in self-pity!! I've only just recently
read the whole thread of your ectopic, and my word you went through
it!! The treatment you had and the outcome isn't a normal experience,
neither is the birth of your daughter. And despite the statistics on
miscarriages, it's never just 'one of those things' if you've actually
been through it. I had a mmc at 12 weeks, revealed at the scan, and a
nurse telling me 'these things happen for a reason' didn't help
either. So please don't beat yourself up about feeling unhappy. You
have both been through a lot and it's perfectly normal and healthy to
grieve for what you have lost. On the positive side you sounds like a
couple that are able to support each other and understand how you feel
- and I'm sure that will help you move on to the future - but only
when you are ready, not when you feel other people think you should be
ready, if that makes sense.

Hugs to you both.

Jeni

"cjra" wrote in message
...
I'm usually not one to wallow in self-pity, and both DH and I have
always tried to focus on the positive - our motto has been "We're
lucky in our bad luck", but both of us have kind of been hit with a
feeling of "Why can't we get this to work easily?"

I know I shouldn't complain, provided we chart and time it well, I've
had no trouble getting pregnant despite my age. The sperm and egg know
how to find each other, it's after that the the trouble starts. We do
have a beautiful child and I count my blessings daily, I have friends
still struggling with infertility so I should consider myself lucky.
I'm hesitant to complain at all because I know people have it worse,
but I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with us.

What you are feeling is really normal. No one expects ttc to be this
difficult, and you have the right to greive that you didn't get the easy
path. I don't think you are wallowing, simply taking a moment to say --
"gosh, this sucks. I wish it were easier." As long as you don't settle in
and let it become a depression, you'll be fine. Since you said you normally
have a positive attitude, I don't think you'll let it get that far. THAT
would be wallowing. This is just normal grieving after your most recent
loss.

That being said -- there is nothing wrong with you, you're normal. I know
it feels like everyone else in the world has an easy time getting and
staying pregnant and deliverying perfect healthy babies, but the truth of
the matter is that it's a damn miracle when everything works out correctly,
starting from conception, through pregnancy, and all the way to delivery.
Just a miracle.

I too am a positive person, and suffered from a major depression in the
midst of our pg losses and infertility troubles. It was not fun. At the
same time, when we lost Nathan, my first thought wasn't "why me," but
rather, "why not me." There is no magic halo around me that protects me
from losses or harm or accidents, etc. (I wish there was, don't get me
wrong!) It had to be someone, just bad dang luck that it was me. BUT, I
also knew that because of my history, that as sucky as it was, it was
something that I would survive. I often wonder about other people, who have
led seemingly charmed lives, and how they would deal with and survive a loss
of that magnitude.

First pg, tho we tried ~4 cycles, once we really got the charting and
timing down right, we conceived easily. Then I miscarried at 11 weeks.
Nothing spectacular, the usual random occurrence (fetus stopped
developing at 6 weeks but I didn't show any m/c signs until almost 12
weeks).

I've had this happen twice, more or less. First pregnancy after losing
Nathan took 1.5 years to conceive, then when we went in for the first u/s at
7 weeks, there wasn't one. Went back a week later, still no heartbeat. :
( Second pg that this happened to was pg #9, but by then we weren't
counting our chickens until we saw the heartbeat. We didn't. : (

Second pg, conceived the first time I ovulated post-m/c (about 4
months), great pregnancy, no complications, labor started off nicely,
then DD was born with severe meconium aspiration syndrome and they
didn't think she'd survive. She did and shows no ill effects of those
troubles. And though we're thrilled all worked out well in the end,
we're a tiny bit disappointed that we didn't get to have a 'normal'
newborn experience.

I hear ya on that. I never did get to experience that at all. If I really
sit and brood on it, it sucks and can make me sad. In fact, just this
morning I was brushing my hair and looking in the mirror thinking -- "Who
would have thought that I wouldn't have been able to biologically have kids?
That's not something that ever occured to me." If I brood, it's sad that
I'll never get to experience a pregnancy all the way through. Never get to
experience L&D of a live baby.

But, since I am a positive person, I do have little bits of my pg
experiences that I hold onto and see in a positive light. I carried Nathan
for 23.5 weeks before we went through L&D. I got to be pregnant that long.
I got to feel him turn and kick and move. I got to experience labor and
delivery, even if I didn't get to take home a live baby. So many women
don't even get that much.

Third pg, due to BF I didn't have cycles til 13 months pp, then it
took til ~16.5 months to conceive, not too bad. But that was ectopic.
Now, I don't have the same feelings about the miscarriage aspect as I
didn't think I was pg until I already knew I was miscarrying. it's a
sort of after the fact loss, KWIM? I'm glad it's past, we can try
again, my fertility shouldn't be very compromised except for an
increased risk of another ectopic.

I totally get this, the feeling of grief being less. Losing Nathan was so
large, so traumatic, and so life altering, that every single other pg loss
since then, all 8 of them, was almost easy in comparison. Actually, the
first blighted ovum after Nathan, the one that took 1.5 years to concieve,
was almost as hard as losing Nathan, because we thought that was a fluke,
and assumed that all would be well with the next pg. Once we lost that one
as well, we began to not get as emotionally involved, and we began to
understand that getting a + on a pg test does not mean that one will be
pushing a healthy baby out in 9 months.

DH and I both were going over all the above and realizing, we haven't
had the best of luck overall, have we? Like I said, I know we're more
fortunate than many, we should be happy with what we have. We're just
feeling a bit down about the whole thing....why can't it be easier?
Why do we have to go through all these traumas to have a family?

Thanks for listening. I just needed to unburden myself a bit.

Hugs again, my friend. I pass on my experiences not to diminish yours, but
to hopefully allow you to feel a little better that there is someone worse
off than you. You're reproductive story does suck, but it's not at the
total bottom of the totem pole! And as sucky as my reproductive story is,
I'm not at the bottom of that totem pole either! You have to find your
silver linings when you can!

So, take some time to grieve this stuff. Grieve the loss of this last pg,
grieve the loss of the innocence of ttc and pg, and the loss of having an
easy time at having a family. Some of us just got dealt more difficult
hands than others. But in the end, what can you do except play the hand
that you've been dealt? So take your time, feel what you are feeling, and
sooner than you think, your positive side will be back, cheery as ever.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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"cjra" wrote in message
...
I'm usually not one to wallow in self-pity, and both DH and I have
always tried to focus on the positive - our motto has been "We're
lucky in our bad luck", but both of us have kind of been hit with a
feeling of "Why can't we get this to work easily?"

(((hugs)))
I don't see why you shouldn't complain just because "others have it worse".
You had a awful experience over the last few weeks and I'd have thought
you'd only be normal if you felt that way.
Hope all works out next time.
Debbie

Let yourself go through this phase, don't feel you have to be strong,
I'm not sure there really are any answers. I've not gone through
anything like the magnitude of pregnancy related stuff you have, but I
have had a lot of other stuff in life that in times has pushed me into
the "why me" phase and I'm not sure there is any right way to deal with
it and if you attempt to compare to always find something that is worse
off, then what to the worse off people do? For a time, when I found I
had a non life threatening variant of a genetic disorder, I would say
thank goodness I don't have one of the more dangerous versions, but it
did nothing to validate what I felt. In the end I think there isn't a
way to stamp on it and to never feel bad again, let yourself go through
the process for a few days, let your body heal, reexamine in a week and
see if there are negative or unhelpful thought processes that could turn
this feeling into more than a phase.

Cheers
Anne

Hey

I've been wondering what to say, and realised, that all the things you're
'meant' to say suck. As in massively suck... Before I had Jessie, I had four
miscarriages, all early on. People would say to me "oh, it's for a reason"
or "oh, it just wasn't meant to be", but that was never good enough for me.
Then, worst of all, they'd point out all the "good" reasons for not having
children young.

I guess when awful things happen to us, the "why me" phase is inevitable -
and it's only natural to ask. Other people have more kids than they can look
after with no trouble at all, and there's the rest of us, just trying to get
a break. With my first pregnancy, like you, I didn't know about it until I
was miscarrying. That was the hardest out of the four - You'd think as I
didn't know I was pregnant, I wouldn't miss it, but I felt robbed that I
didn't get that time of being excited and bonding.

I can't imagine the emotional pain you're going through at the moment. We've
been trying since July, and nothing. To get that close, and to have all the
physical trauma, must be excruciating. I'm so sorry you've had to go through
it, and I think I'd be right in saying the whole group has grieved with
you - so there's certainly no reason why you shouldn't. A life was lost,
you've every right to mourn. Like Jamie said though, take care of yourself
and watch for signs of prolonged depression. When you had your DD, we were
all so worried for you and for her, it's understandable you feel that way -
you can be thankful for her, and still ask why me. It won't make you a bad
mum or any less grateful.

I don't know if it will be of any comfort to you, but with each of my
looses, I entered them into the Book of Life at the Shrine of Holy Innocents
in New York. (http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp) I felt it gave me a
chance to name my babies, and to feel as though they were recognised. There
they are prayed for, and I hope to go to NY one day to see it for myself.

Take care of yourself hun - physcially and emotionally...

Lucy xx

Totally normal. This is the "why me?!" stage of coping with a loss.
In this case, it is the loss of a pregnancy and also the loss of a
certain amount of innocence. Many, many people start off in life
thinking life is supposed to be easy and others around them have it
easier than they do. they just don't know any better.

In a way life does get easier as you go along, because the more you
put behind you, the less you will be fazed by future "crisis"
moments. The roof leaks? BTDT. The car broke down? BTDT.

It will get better, but in the meantime cut yourselves some slack. It
is okay to mourn.

Pologirl

On Jan 16, 1:04*pm, wrote:
Hi, C -- I haven't been reading here for the last few months, but I
just saw your story after reading something on mk. *How scary! *I'm so
glad that you had the self-confidence to keep on going in and
(finally, at least) getting the care you needed. *I know what you mean
about not wanting to look like a hypochondriac, or be one of 'those'
patients -- when you think about it, it's pretty ridiculous that we
should care what some stranger who probably will never remember/ see
us again thinks, but there you have it.

Thank you. I'm so glad to have the support of web communities. It
really has made a difference and encouraged me to get the treatment I
needed. I often want to scream "I'm educated. I WORK in the health
care field, I KNOW what I'm talking about." But what's annoying is
that that should even be necessary. The lack of respect shown to
patients is just amazing.

Part of the difficulty is that I was alone - DH was out of the
country, and though I called on friends to help, when I went into
surgery there wasn't time for anyone to come over, and I was alone.
I'm used to handling things on my own - and honestly would not have
wanted a crowd there, and I did fine up until about 10 minutes before
surgery when I desperately wished I could see DD and DH and kiss them
and hold them. I was trying to maintain my composure and not act
scared, but I lost it for a minute or two....That was really
difficult.

But I really wanted to say that I don't think what you're feeling
right now *(the 'why me' phase) is *at all* wallowing in self-pity.
One of my friends is going through secondary infertility (I'm not
saying that's what's happening to you -- she's unable to conceive at
all) -- and I know there are people who think "you already have a
beautiful little girl; you should be glad and get over not being able
to be pregnant again" -- but first, it seems like most of those people
HAVE more than one child, and second, sure, there are always people
worse off than you, but that doesn't make your own situation any less
real or your feelings any less strong or valid.

I really appreciate this. I have a really hard time when someone says
someone else is worse off than me. All that does it make me feel like
my own feelings are not valid, and that I'm a jerk for even having
them. It doesn't matter that someone is worse off, that really doesn't
make my own situation any better, since I don't delight in another's
suffering. I *know* there are people worse off than I am, I don't
need to be reminded of it and have my feelings invalidated, ya know?

That's partly why I hesitate talking about it to people much, as
everyone knows someone else who's struggling with infertility and will
say "but you should be grateful." Sometimes I get tired of having to
always look at the bright side, to be the strong one. All that said,
one of my most supportive friends, who's not a close friend but more
than an acquaintance, is someone who has not only struggled with
infertility but lost a baby at 36 weeks. She's not once said "I've had
it worse" or anything of the sort. Instead she's always been
incredibly supportive, through my miscarriages and struggle with DD's
birth.


I do know how you feel about a disappointing birth experience. *And
yes, we're both happy that our kids are OK and that we're OK, and yes,
that's the overwhelming feeling and we would never complain about
that. *But it's OK to be sad not to have the homebirth (and for me, a
subsequent homebirth), and it's DEFINITELY OK for you to feel sad
about not having a 'normal' newborn experience with A in the NICU.

Oh how much this means to me! It's so hard not to beat yourself up
about feeling bad because it didn't work out the way you had hoped.
Yes, DD is healthy and wonderful, and in many ways the experience of
her birth brought DH and I even closer to each other and to DD, but
yeah, I'd have preferred a different experience. I had been hoping my
next would be a homebirth, but I realize now that's less likely. At
the very least I will need to be closely monitored by an OB at the
beginning, and will be having a sort of VBAC - not quite, but similar.

Hugs... I hope things get easier. *No more trips to the ER!!!

Thanks. I hope so too. I hate the ER and hope never to return!

On Jan 16, 3:07*pm, Anne Rogers wrote:
Let yourself go through this phase, don't feel you have to be strong,
I'm not sure there really are any answers. I've not gone through
anything like the magnitude of pregnancy related stuff you have, but I
have had a lot of other stuff in life that in times has pushed me into
the "why me" phase and I'm not sure there is any right way to deal with
it and if you attempt to compare to always find something that is worse
off, then what to the worse off people do? For a time, when I found I
had a non life threatening variant of a genetic disorder, I would say
thank goodness I don't have one of the more dangerous versions, but it
did nothing to validate what I felt. In the end I think there isn't a
way to stamp on it and to never feel bad again, let yourself go through
the process for a few days, let your body heal, reexamine in a week and
see if there are negative or unhelpful thought processes that could turn
* *this feeling into more than a phase.

Thank you Anne. Sometimes I hate having to 'stay strong.' Sometimes I
just want to weep.

This week I'm feeling a bit better. I'm still home recovering, and it
was a hard weekend as DH was taking care of DD - he's normally a very
involved father so this wasn't that much extra, but this was all day
and it was hard on him. He didn't quite get that he couldn't do other
things at the same time. Hard on me too as I'm there watching but
could only do so much. Any time spent with DD and she'd want to crawl
on me or want to be held and I'd have to keep telling her no, which of
course she couldn't understand why.