Should I or should I not....(long)

I have been TTC for a little while now and of course have been thinking
A LOT about pregnancy and child rearing. I feel very confused right
now and I'm thinking that many other women probably feel the way I do
so I thought I would post and see what people's opinions are.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have a baby. About 3
years ago I got married and we bought a condo. I was, and still am in
many people's minds, very young at the time as I was only 23. The
condo was great because it was pretty cheap and so we got to go out
whenever we wanted, buy whatever we wanted and travel whenever and
wherever we wanted. It was great. But still I wanted a familty.
Whenver the topic of children was brought up amongst friends or family
people would tell me I wasn't ready to have kids because I was having
too much time travelling here and there etc.

This past fall my husband and I bought a 3 bedroom house. Money is a
bit tighter but overall I think we are doing very well. Now people are
telling me that I should wait to have kids until we buy all the stuff
we want for the house.

I have a great career at the moment where I make decent money. It was
shear luck that I got this job and I am so thankful that I have this
opportunity. I am afraid that if I have a baby that I may not want to
keep the job. I feel like I am letting myself down somehow. Women are
'supposed' to have 'careers' and look after the kids are they not???

Why does it feel like everyone is saying not to have a baby right now?
The only person who actually said to go ahead and genuinely looked
happy was my doctor.

I feel like society went from expecting women to get married, stay home
and have children, to expecting them to become 30 something business
women who drop their kids off at an expensive day care for 12 hours a
day.

My husband and I sat down and determined that we have what we need to
have a child. Good jobs, a good home, some experience under our belt
with 3 years of marriage. My biggest fear is surrounding my job. Will
I want to stay home with the kids, resulting in losing my career? Will
I be forced back due to finances? Will I want to go back and
everything will be just fine? How do you know ahead of time in order
to make any sort of plans??

I know I"m kind of babbling, but does anyone out there know where I am
coming from?? Do you think that people might just be looking out for
me and I should listen to them? Or should I do what I really want to do?

Its strange. When I got married I just felt like everything was going
to work out and that I was doing the right thing. With having a baby,
I feel like there is so much more to consider. It is kind of scary
bringing another person into the world. I am in a constant state of
confusion...

Shannon
--
Shannon

Please remove -NO SPAM from email address to email me personally.

Shannon wrote:
Its strange. When I got married I just felt like everything was going
to work out and that I was doing the right thing. With having a baby, I
feel like there is so much more to consider. It is kind of scary
bringing another person into the world. I am in a constant state of
confusion...

At some point you just have to bite the bullet and do it if you want
children. You can obsess about being "ready" forever. After all, there's
always something to do with your money so you might never feel
financially stable. There's always another trip to go on, a better job,
or so forth...

My outlook on it always was that when it happens, we'll cope, whatever
the cost.

After finding out I was functionally infertile because of PCOS, my DH
and I focused on fixing my health and just never used birth control of
any type. It took us about 3 years to have a baby and when it happened
we were at our lowest economically. DH was out of work and I was working
only part-time. Our health insurance was too expensive to maintain and
so forth. (We also only rent a small apartment, and are still in lots of
debt from my student loans and our two car loans and some credit cards
that went into default.)

Turns out that since I had to go on maternity leave to have the baby
someone had to fill in my position so DH contracted at twice my hourly
wage, and at the same time our company had a burst of activity which
requires him to work there full time. So he gets paid more than twice
what I did while I worked there, enough to help us get back on our feet,
even with a baby to feed and clothe. And I get to stay home.

I don't know how long this will last or what will happen afterwards but
we'll find a way.

On Wed, 26 May 2004 13:57:00 -0400, Shannon wrote:

I know I"m kind of babbling, but does anyone out there know where I am
coming from?? Do you think that people might just be looking out for
me and I should listen to them? Or should I do what I really want to do?

O yes, I hear you! And there's only one thing I can say: you are the one
who decides whether you are ready for a baby and noone else! IME you can
always find excuses to wait just a little longer. I was ready when I was
26, but waited until I finished my PhD. All those years, whenever I saw a
pregnant woman, I couldn't help but feeling envy. Don't put yourself
through that.

Besides, nature is not always as cooperative as you expect, you don't just
have a child when you are ready, having a child is a blessing. If you both
feel you are ready, follow your dreams. Yes, it will affect your life
immensely, and it is impossible to say what will happen to you, your job
and your life in general. But the joy and love you will receive in return
are enormous and worth it!

The choice is yours.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (July '02)
mommy to three tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04 & 20 May'04)
guardian of DH (33)

In the end, it's up to you and your husband whether to have a baby, not your
family and your friends!

Regarding staying home with the baby, some women who plan to stay home later
decide they don't like it or can't afford it and go back to work. Others plan
to go back to work and find they can't tear themselves away! Some stay home
even if they miss work because they feel it is important to be with the baby.
You can't know for sure ahead of time because you've never been a mother before
and you just can't know how that's going to affect you.

If I were you, I'd take a look at my finances and see if I could afford to stay
home should I decide that I wanted to. Then I would start saving up all of my
salary each month ( or as much as possible) to provide a financial cushion.
Plan for the time being that you are going back to work; that keeps your
options open.

As for waiting till you have everything you need for the house before having
kids, I still wouldn't have anything if I waited for that!

Leslie

Shannon wrote:

I have a great career at the moment where I make decent money. It was
shear luck that I got this job and I am so thankful that I have this
opportunity. I am afraid that if I have a baby that I may not want to
keep the job. I feel like I am letting myself down somehow. Women are
'supposed' to have 'careers' and look after the kids are they not???

Women can do whatever they damn well please that works
for their family. The "works for their family" part sometimes
means that you have to compromise what you'd prefer to do. Life
is like that sometimes. If you have a baby, you may or may not
prefer to be a stay at home mom. Some women like it, and some
don't. If you decide to give up or take a break in your career,
that certainly brings up family issues. You might need to
increase your insurance, or increase your rainy day fund, or
whatever so that you aren't in deep trouble in case of death,
disability, or divorce. You don't have to worry about your
obligations to the world. The earth will still spin on its
axis quite nicely whether you work or not. You just have to
decide what is the right choice for your family.

Why does it feel like everyone is saying not to have a baby right now?
The only person who actually said to go ahead and genuinely looked happy
was my doctor.

I think that's frequently true. In my experience,
people either have friends and family trying to browbeat
them into having kids before they're ready or they have
family and friends who keep pointing out all the things
that could go wrong if they have kids or why it's better
to wait. Some people get a happy medium, but it seems
like not many! The bottom line is that you can't steer
your ship by someone else's star. It's your family and
your life and your responsibility to make the decisions
that do right by both.

I feel like society went from expecting women to get married, stay home
and have children, to expecting them to become 30 something business
women who drop their kids off at an expensive day care for 12 hours a day.

No matter what you choose, you will find that there
are a *lot* of people who feel that you have chosen
inappropriately. If you work, some people will tell you
that you're warehousing your children. If you don't work,
some people will tell you you're only half a person. You
may feel all the pressure in one direction right now, but
I guarantee if you chose to continue working full time, you'd
find a bunch of naysayers coming out of the woodwork.
You can't please everyone on this front. You just
have to do what's right for your family. You'd better feel
you're doing the right thing, because the courage of your
convictions is the only thing that stands between you and
all these naysayers.

My husband and I sat down and determined that we have what we need to
have a child. Good jobs, a good home, some experience under our belt
with 3 years of marriage. My biggest fear is surrounding my job. Will
I want to stay home with the kids, resulting in losing my career? Will
I be forced back due to finances? Will I want to go back and everything
will be just fine? How do you know ahead of time in order to make any
sort of plans??

You don't know for sure what you will want to do, though
you may well have some suspicions based on your personality.
What you certainly *can* do is get control of your finances.
You can certainly know what it costs for you to live so that
you know what lifestyle changes (if any) would be necessary
if you were to go to one income--or even if one income was
possible for you all. If it's not possible, even with all
the creative budgeting and cutting back you can muster, then
you know what the answer is: you're going to continue
working, and the only question is whether you are willing to
have that lifestyle. If you have options, then it's a matter
of deciding whether your desire to stay home outweighs your
desire to avoid the sacrifices that would be required if you
did.

I know I"m kind of babbling, but does anyone out there know where I am
coming from?? Do you think that people might just be looking out for me
and I should listen to them? Or should I do what I really want to do?

Neither. You should look at your options clearly and
objectively and see what they really are. Know what your
financial situation would be either way. Then make your
decision based on the whole picture for your family. That
may not be what your friends are advising, and it may not
be what you really way--but it will be what is ;-) Working
with reality, rather than everyone else's opinions, has a
lot to recommend it ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

One thing that I never mentioned is that I work from home. I actually
don't really like working from home because I feel really isolated but
a few people have pointed out that it is great that I work from home
because it would come in handy when I have kids. Personally I don't
really see it that way. I work full time (8:30 - 5:30) and I am busy
constantly. It is a pretty stressful job related to the medical system
and so it is hard to work around interruptions.

Is there anyone else out there who worked from home before they got
pregnant and then continued to work from home after?

Shannon

On 2004-05-26 13:57:00 -0400, Shannon said:

I have been TTC for a little while now and of course have been thinking
A LOT about pregnancy and child rearing. I feel very confused right
now and I'm thinking that many other women probably feel the way I do
so I thought I would post and see what people's opinions are.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have a baby. About 3
years ago I got married and we bought a condo. I was, and still am in
many people's minds, very young at the time as I was only 23. The
condo was great because it was pretty cheap and so we got to go out
whenever we wanted, buy whatever we wanted and travel whenever and
wherever we wanted. It was great. But still I wanted a familty.
Whenver the topic of children was brought up amongst friends or family
people would tell me I wasn't ready to have kids because I was having
too much time travelling here and there etc.

This past fall my husband and I bought a 3 bedroom house. Money is a
bit tighter but overall I think we are doing very well. Now people are
telling me that I should wait to have kids until we buy all the stuff
we want for the house.

I have a great career at the moment where I make decent money. It was
shear luck that I got this job and I am so thankful that I have this
opportunity. I am afraid that if I have a baby that I may not want to
keep the job. I feel like I am letting myself down somehow. Women are
'supposed' to have 'careers' and look after the kids are they not???

Why does it feel like everyone is saying not to have a baby right now?
The only person who actually said to go ahead and genuinely looked
happy was my doctor.

I feel like society went from expecting women to get married, stay home
and have children, to expecting them to become 30 something business
women who drop their kids off at an expensive day care for 12 hours a
day.

My husband and I sat down and determined that we have what we need to
have a child. Good jobs, a good home, some experience under our belt
with 3 years of marriage. My biggest fear is surrounding my job. Will
I want to stay home with the kids, resulting in losing my career? Will
I be forced back due to finances? Will I want to go back and
everything will be just fine? How do you know ahead of time in order
to make any sort of plans??

I know I"m kind of babbling, but does anyone out there know where I am
coming from?? Do you think that people might just be looking out for
me and I should listen to them? Or should I do what I really want to do?

Its strange. When I got married I just felt like everything was going
to work out and that I was doing the right thing. With having a baby,
I feel like there is so much more to consider. It is kind of scary
bringing another person into the world. I am in a constant state of
confusion...

Shannon


--
Shannon

Please remove -NO SPAM from email address to email me personally.

Shannon wrote:
I have been TTC for a little while now and of course have been
thinking A LOT about pregnancy and child rearing. I feel very
confused right now and I'm thinking that many other women probably
feel the way I do so I thought I would post and see what people's
opinions are.

I think you shoud do what feels right to you (and your DH, of course). I
always knew we were going to have children, and I always knew I would be a
stay at home mum. We didn't go into things very logically - we had been
married 8 years, and decided that if we didn't start at least trying, then
it might never happen. DH had had treatment for testicular cancer just
after we married, and even though we had asked about sperm banking, we had
never done it. So we weren't sure just what would happen. Turns out he was
fine - it only took 3 months, but the timing was not good. I don't know
when it would have been good though. When I was 4 months preg, my husband
got a new job, in a new city (my home town, where I had vowed never to
live!). So we had to sell up, buy a new house, leave friends, shift, etc.
etc. I worked till I was 7 months, commuting at weekends (6 hours drive!)
to be with DH. That move cost us financially, as DH's job didn't last and
we had committed to sell out houses and buy a new one. Luckily within 2
days of being fired, he was offered a part time job, and over a year later
he a valued member of staff. The only redeeming point was that I could take
a years maternity leave from work (I earned more than DH), so we gave
ourselves a year, and if things hadn't worked out, we would have gone back
to our old town, and I would have gone back to work. But, a friend gave us
the advice that all a baby needs is a roof over it's head, a warm bed, and a
loving family. And we thought that you don't need a lot of money to be able
to give all that.

This baby again couldn't really have come at a worse time. We have hardly
any money. We need a new car. Our bills seem to be constant (car, house
expenses, health etc). But too bad - it is on it's way, and we will cope
somehow!

If I were you, I would look at options for work - what sort of maternity
leave can you take, would there be the option of going back part-time, if
that was what you wanted (and could you afford child care) etc. etc. I
think that having a child is a decision where the heart definitely rules the
head - and if it is what you both want, then things will sort themselves
out.

Good luck with your decision,
Cathy
DD 8 Jan 03
EDD 8 Dec 04

Shannon wrote:
Is there anyone else out there who worked from home before they got
pregnant and then continued to work from home after?

I only started working at home after my third child was born. I started by
using my maternity leave to work part time until he was 8 months old, then
started back full-time. At that point, I had to get childcare help, though.
For the first year, I had an au pair and now I have a live-out nanny.
Working from home is *great* when you have kids because you can see them
when you want to or when they really need you, but you cannot do it (IME)
without childcare unless you can do all your work before they wake up in the
morning, after they go to bed at night, and during naps. And then, when will
*you* sleep?
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 4), and the Rising Son (Julian, 6)

Aurora (in the bathroom with her dad)--"It looks like an elephant, Daddy."
Me (later)--"You should feel flattered."

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

Shannon wrote:

Is there anyone else out there who worked from home before they got
pregnant and then continued to work from home after?

I know a man who is a SAHD and works from home. He worked from home to
begin with. He said for the first couple of months while his wife was on
maternity leave it really helped to share the responsibilities so he
could figure his daughter into his schedule. After that everything was ok.

I worked from home for several years before taking an office job, which
I had for 2.5 years before having this baby. My baby is 6.5 weeks old
now and I can't imagine having time to do even a part time job at home.

For the first 5 weeks I was constantly exhausted and he was waking up
and feeding frequently and very testy and needing a lot of chronic
watching. After that he suddenly figured out that he was supposed to
sleep at night and be awake during the day, so his schedule suddenly
changed to sleeping all night with short wake-ups 3-4 times for feeding
& changes, after which he'd go right back to sleep. But that means he's
awake the majority of the day, wide eyed, alert, and wanting to be
entertained, and wanting to "nibble" every 45mins to 1hr. He has a short
attention span at this age and so will whine and fuss if someone is not
actively entertaining him with new things to see, hear, feel, etc. It's
exhausting. He naps maybe 2 times a day now, during which I mostly focus
on stress relief and eating!

Shannon wrote:

One thing that I never mentioned is that I work from home. I actually
don't really like working from home because I feel really isolated but a
few people have pointed out that it is great that I work from home
because it would come in handy when I have kids. Personally I don't
really see it that way. I work full time (8:30 - 5:30) and I am busy
constantly. It is a pretty stressful job related to the medical system
and so it is hard to work around interruptions.

Is there anyone else out there who worked from home before they got
pregnant and then continued to work from home after?

Sort of. I currently work from home part time (about
20 hours a week, though it's longer on occasion). I do have
to go in for meetings not infrequently, but probably 80 percent
of my hours are done at home.
I think people who think you can work full-time from
home without daycare haven't ever tried to do it, and haven't
really even thought much about it. You'll for sure need child
care of some sort to get your hours in. I manage because
the two older kids are in school and the baby naps and I do
the bulk of my work at night after the kids are in bed or
when DH is around to mind the children. I use babysitters
when I need to go in for meetings. It helps that my hours
are completely flexible (except for the meetings). People
do call me during business hours, but they have my cell
phone number and can catch me wherever I am, plus it's not
a crisis if I'm unavailable for some periods of time.
If you work scheduled hours and need to be "on call"
from home during those hours, then you'll need child care
just like anyone who works in an office. The good part is
that you won't have a commute to worry about and if your
childcare comes to your house, you should be able to work
out breastfeeding pretty easily.
If you can move your hours around, you can probably
get by with less than full time child care by moving some
of your work hours to times when your husband is home and/or
the child is sleeping. You might also, especially when
the child is older, be able to get by a mother's helper
because you'd be around in case of emergency or if an
unusual situation came up that the mother's helper needed
assistance with.

Best wishes,
Ericka