Finally in to it all...

I thought I'd write this, because I remember someone else going through this
sometime ago, and worrying that it wasn't normal... I'm still not sure it
is, but it's common at least. It might not affect anyone else on here, but
Google will store it, and maybe someone else might realise they're not the
first...

When I was pregnant with Jessica, I found it hard to accept that I would
actually have a baby, after having 4 miscarriages before her. Every time I
had a scan, I expected them to tell me that there was no baby there, and
even when I went to be induced, I thought they'd send me home. That said, I
still bought all the stuff I wanted really quickly, and when I found out her
sex, I could at least name her, I just couldn't accept that it was all for
real. It just felt like a game I was playing.

This time round, I've found it really hard to get into this pregnancy,
despite how desperate I was to conceive. It didn't help that apart from my
heart rate keep going erratic, I didn't have any symptoms. I've had
absolutely no morning sickness, and a lot of the tiredness was down to
having a two year old running around. The old m/c fears were back as I just
didn't feel pregnant. Then, in June, when my DH lost his job, I went from
working a 40 hour week, to being at work 92 hours a week. I was just too
busy, too tired and too stressed to think about the pregnancy. It wasn't
really that much of an issue, until I found out that it was a boy. My
feelings actually worsened, not because I wanted another girl or anything
like that, but suddenly it seemed real, and with DH out of work, and bills
rising, I resented the baby for being another mouth to feed. I knew it
wasn't his fault, but then I had a fear of PND starting once he was born.
I've spent the last couple of months feeling terrified that I'd reject him
once he was born. Until a couple of weeks ago, I'd not bought anything at
all, just didn't want to know. We found a really nice crib for a really good
price then, and I thought that would help, but then I resented the money I'd
spent.

My husband started his new job last week. I sorted out my maternity leave,
so that I'll be cutting down from 64 hours to just 28 from the end of Sept,
then I'll start my leave in November. Jessica's started at a childminder
(not 100% convinced the childminder's as good as she promised, but that's a
different issue) and I'm finally starting to see a little light at the end
of the stress tunnel. Now that i can see I'm going to be able to make a bit
of progress, I'm trying to feel more positive about the whole thing. I'm no
longer regretting it out of fear that he would steal the precious little
time I get with Jessica, and I no longer resent him. Yesterday, I went out
and bought baby clothes for the first time this pregnancy, and today I
sorted out a set of drawers for his clothes. I felt the first spark of
excitement when I was buying clothes and bedding for him yesterday, and I
feel really encouraged by it. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to love
him.

I considered deleting this post, as I feel so ashamed that I had such
negative feelings towards a baby that I'd wanted so much. But, that's been
part of the problem for the last few months - I couldn't talk about it, as I
was worried people would hate me and judge me for my feelings. And I'm
guessing other people hide their feelings too sometimes. I'm hoping that if
someone else makes a google search because they're scared that they aren't
all in love with their pregnancy, that they'll know they're not a freak,
like I felt.

I've got 16 weeks to go. I'm starting that time by trying to visualise all
the positive aspects that he'll bring to our lives, and how Jessica will
react to him. They joys that I had before of breastfeeding and watching him
learn to smile, to move and all those first milestones. I'm still scared of
PND, but I know that if it does try to get me, I'll fight it.

Sorry for taking up such a long message, but it's also kind of cathartic to
express what I've not been able too.

Lucy x