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#1
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End of my rope
Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan |
#2
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End of my rope
NanWithCollegeKid wrote: Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+ teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan Hi... I'm a newbie too... Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything from teen years fresh in my mind... I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the things you said made me think she might have a case of depression... again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated. Did she used to help and now she doesn't? I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go to school and go to church. Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it. I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help. I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what the situation is now to what you want out of the situation. In that case it helps: - to keep few rules and make sure they are followed - ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her. I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School? I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is feeling. -Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together, chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be online talking to her friends. Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then you don't get to see the fruits of your work. When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we don't want to deal with. We stay til the end. I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again. Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy... Please don't give up on your daughter! Claudia |
#3
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End of my rope
Dear Claudia,
Thanks for the perspective. I enjoyed the younger years with Ali and had tons more energy in my 40s than I do now in my 50s! (Probably my frustration with physical change is affecting me.) But adult children have their "pluses" too, so I have to go with it. And I appreciate your comments and suggestions! Nan Claudia wrote: NanWithCollegeKid wrote: Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+ teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan Hi... I'm a newbie too... Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything from teen years fresh in my mind... I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the things you said made me think she might have a case of depression... again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated. Did she used to help and now she doesn't? I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go to school and go to church. Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it. I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help. I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what the situation is now to what you want out of the situation. In that case it helps: - to keep few rules and make sure they are followed - ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her. I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School? I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is feeling. -Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together, chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be online talking to her friends. Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then you don't get to see the fruits of your work. When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we don't want to deal with. We stay til the end. I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again. Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy... Please don't give up on your daughter! Claudia |
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