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#1
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
Hi,
I am a bit confused of late and wondered if anyone can advise? I am just about to have my first child, I am incredibly excited and looking forward to raising her, seeing this as a more important `job' to me, than `going out to earn a living'. Having worked in a variety of jobs/careers for the last 11 years, I now want to enjoy being a housewife and child carer and put as much effort into this as I would anything else. I will maintain other interests during this time and may try a few working-from-home ideas for `pocket money', but for at least the next 2 to 5 years I want to make being a mother a priority, choosing to be the main carer of my child for what is, after all, only a few short years. I suppose this should all be a natural normal way of thinking, but my problem is down to my partner. My partner thinks that staying at home being a housewife/carer is `taking the easy way out', and plus he is worried about taken on a greater responsibility for ensuring we have enough money. He also thinks it isn't going to be stimulating enough for me. I would not like to be financially dependent on him, but am prepared to downsize my life for a few years if this is what it takes. I am also fully prepared to find looking after a child a very stimulating and rewarding job. I certainly know that my partner's job isn't stimulating. I have even suggested that he can take an equal share in staying at home and have never encouraged or pressured him to bring in loads of money from work. I also happen to know that some mothers find it an easier job to sit in an office for 8 hours a day rather than spend it with a toddler - hence the desire to make use of child minders/nurseries etc, so I would regard child-caring/rearing a difficult and tiring task at times - more so than in traditional wage paying jobs. I also want to know how women in the past - even as recently as 20 years ago - never seemed to get the pressure to go out to work and bring in half the finances? Were men happier to have this arrangement or are they actually happier to have more financial stability? If the latter - why didn't more women go out to work at this time? thanks! |
#2
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema (oops long)
Hi all/ Abi
This is my first time posting, after lurking for a while... I am a Mum of 2 - Christopher, 11yo and Fran, 5 yo. I am a social worker and love my job. As a first time Mum, I continued to work full time, spent much time feeling guilty and feeling guilty for feeling guilty (why should I feel bad!!!! I am a modern woman having it all!) I worked too hard and had a healthy income. After Fran, I wanted to stay home, but did not think it would be financially viable. I therefore went back to work. Feeling worse and worse, I took on bigger work challenges to compensate. After 2 years, I realised that I was not coping - I was not being true to myself, my children, partner, nor employer. I walked out of the high paying job and went freelance working less than 1/2 time. Since, I have come to the realisation that I did not need the money all that much. We manage very well, and I have made savings (childcare, guilt presents, new outfits, lunches) and I have a good relationship with both children, who love Mum being at home after school everyday. However, it was a learning curve - my husband now is the main breadwinner, he still helps out but I had to make new networks - my stimulation was work and I had fewer mother friends. I now make efforts to get to know more Mums in the class, to join groups. Let me tell you, school politics are as interesting as office politics!! Playgroup and nursery politics similarly. The lifestyle might not be as plush, but there are fewer tired arguments, fewer packet meals and fewer 'leave me alone, I need to finish this report' times. However, for me, it was always about being true to myself. I am more fulfilled now, and my children are happier. When I was less fulfilled, I was not as happy and therefore my relationshp with my kids suffered. Some of my friends are fully fulfilled at work and have nannies etc. You need to do what feels right for you.... and therefore for your family. Phew - what a sermon! And for a newbie!!! Pat |
#3
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
I stayed home with my first child for the first six months. I found a
part-time job that gave me a couple of days a week out of the house. I worked at that job until my second child was born. Since that time I have been a homemaker/busy person. I have done a very short stint of childcare for a friend, some graphic design consulting now and then. I have also become involved in a project to publish a book. The short version is that I have found plenty to do while keeping my house relatively clean, taking my kids to dance class and preschool, and cooking (which I really enjoy). Anyway, the moral of my story is that without the support of my husband, I would not be able to make this work. Being the primary caregiver requires a great deal of support. I support his work and he supports what I do at home. If that system is not ready, IMO staying home will not be a very good experience for anybody in the family. Karen G |
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
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#5
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
"Abi" wrote in message om... I also want to know how women in the past - even as recently as 20 years ago - never seemed to get the pressure to go out to work and bring in half the finances? In the past, even as recently as 20 years ago, women often did not have the earning power of men. My mother was fired by North American Rockwell in the late 50s for getting married. She wasn't the happiest staying home with the children, and always was looking for more outside activities to show she had something to contribute to the world. I wonder how she would have turned out if she had been born 30 years later. In the early 80s the number of women in management anywhere was pitifully low, in the company I worked for there was not a single women above first line management. No, there was no pressure to bring in half the finances, because it was pretty much impossible unless the wife had much more education and experience than her spouse. Were men happier to have this arrangement or are they actually happier to have more financial stability? If the latter - why didn't more women go out to work at this time? Back then whole families had less fininacial strain because the cost of living was reachable on one modest salary. That is not the case any more. Unfortunately, we hoped equality meant families would have the choice of having the wife or husband work. Economically, it often means having both work. I would not use examples of families in the 50s and 60s to convince your husband you should stay home, its apples and oranges. And 20 years ago women did go back to work. That said, you mentioned you want to go back to work in 5 years or so. Have you looked into afterschool care in your area. I know when I had my children it was hard to find good infant and preschool day care, but impossible to find good afterschool daycare for kids above 2nd grade. That's when I went part time, and eventually retired, to ensure my kids had time to play and I had time to help with after school activities. |
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
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#7
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
"workerbee" wrote in message
... On Thu, 25 Mar 2004 04:53:59 EST, (Abi) wrotE: Would you be as amenable to having him stay home full time to care for the baby while you went out to work to support the family? If not, maybe you can see where he's coming from. Is it possible for you to work part-time after a while or to work from home? Maybe that would help to alleviate his concern. You could propose being home with the baby for the first 9 months or so, then seeking some kind of income. Many women here do in-home day care or some kind of sales from home to allow them to be at home. I have always worked (except when I couldn't find work) and think I know myself well enough that being home during the baby time is wonderful, but I get really bored when the kids hit about pre-K. That said, even when my youngest was very little, I worked part-time and had a child minder when I was working. When he was a toddler, we jumped through all kinds of hoops to minimize day care, and everybody in the family had a "shift" tending to him, including the HS age boy (who volunteered for the job!) My daughter is currently working full-time at a crummy cashier job while her DH works full-time at a job that is going to be very, very good for him over the long haul, career-wise, but that doesn't pay very well. They work differing shifts, and his step-mom watches their little one during the overlap. It's quite a burden on their family, but nobody is really earning much money and it's the best way they've found. It's also given my SIL and grandson the opportunity to develop a strong bond, and for SIL to learn that he can be a competent care-giver for his children. Things will be changing for them when he starts law school and the next baby comes (Late June/early July), but for now, this works. I like to think I am supportive of mum being home with the children, but unless you are a citizen of a country where you are paid to do so until the child is older (like Germany, or Norway), then you really must consider your partner's wishes in the matter. Partners make decisions for the partnership together, and if s/he is not on board with your preference, that will be a problem. Best, Ann |
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
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#10
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going out to work vs motherhood dilema
In ,
workerbee wrote: *I am writing from the US & not the UK but I can tell you that 20 yrs. *ago, which was the 1980s, there certainly was pressure for women to go *out to work. I grew up in the 1960s and many women worked outside the I don't know if there was pressure, but certainly my mom worked... I was born in 1970. Mom worked part-time (selling homemade bread and other things for a local co-op!) when I was little; by the time I started school she was training to become a Realtor and I know for sure she was definitely working in that capacity by the time I was in 3rd grade. Of course, my mom's mom worked too, as a medical secretary or something like that, so maybe it's just a family tradition. -- hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net "uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est." not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large |
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