Help. Need some advice...Please.

In article .com,
"Tomwaters" wrote:

Wife might have
some depression since she sometimes would say "I wished we never had
any
kids and her life is now miserable".

*Might* have some depression?

I'd say she definately does.

This comment makes me feel pretty confident that your wife should be
seeing a therapist, someone who can evaluate the level of depression and
figure out what to do about it.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Tomwaters" wrote in message
oups.com...
Wife might have
some depression since she sometimes would say "I wished we never had
any kids and her life is now miserable".

You need to get your wife to her OB or primary care provider for an
evaluation ASAP. This sounds like a very likely symptom of post-partum
depression to me and that should be looked into immediately.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

wrote in message
oups.com...
I am having some trouble with my wife.

This initial phrase quite put me off of your post. You aren't really
having trouble with your wife, but the fact that you characterize it
this way puts my back up.

Lately my older son has been whinning and crying. He does this
with her, but not as much with me. It's driving my wife nuts

It would drive me nuts too. And the fact that you apparently think it
is her failure that leads him to behave that way increases my distaste
for your POV.

she wants to sent him to day care part time. She wants to enroll him
in a pre school from 9am to 3pm, 5 days a week. It costs about $500 a
month. She says it will be good for him because he is bore at home and

This sounds like it is money that is your primary concern here, and
not your wife or your older son. Another black mark for you.

However, I don't think a child that age needs pre-school, and
especially not for that long. The fact that she says that he is a
bore at home sounds like she's at her wits end with him, and having
him behave better for you is probably not helping.

it will teach him how to behave. My opinion is that my wife needs to
teach or discipline him so that she can manage the day taking care of
the baby and him without all the whinning and tantrums. I really don't
want a day care worker to teach my son how to behave, I think it's the
parent's job.

So it is. But it can be the day care provider's job too.

I quite agree with everyone who says your wife needs a break, but
maybe also both of you need an attitude adjustment. You in your
attitude toward what your wife should be able to do, and your wife in
her attitude toward the older child.

grandma Rosalie

Tomwaters wrote:


That's probably true. I don't know if she can get him to change
his behavior, but I just think she should spend more effort on stopping
bad behavior rather than daycare. We must have gone to five or six
daycare places and call the children we saw were all in control.

But you know, a bunch of those kids go home and get
*out* of control when they're home. You can't always tell
how kids are in one environment by looking at them in another.
At school, those kids aren't in competition with their siblings
for the attention of their primary caregiver. That makes a
world of difference. That's not to say that your wife couldn't
find more successful ways to deal with the toddler's jealousy,
but it's not an easy or simple problem--and it's one that is
the most difficult to handle when you *are* the primary caregiver.

When I'm taking care of both kids by myself and the older one wants me
to play with him and I can't, he also starts to whine. But the
difference
is when I raise the tone of my voice and say "Daddy can't play with
you because daddy have to take care of Timmy" and I suggest he look
at some books or toys, he usually stops.

But again, you're not the primary caregiver. You haven't
been stolen from him in the same way that his mother has. He's
always shared you with work and with his mother, but his perception
is likely that before, he had his mother largely to himself.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Louise wrote:

I also can't comment on whether your expectations for being able to
reduce the "whining and tantrums" of a 19mo by teaching or discipline
are at all age-appropriate.**One*benefit*of*exposure*to*a*day-care
environment is that you and your wife would learn from the teachers
and the other parents about how other young toddlers behave and about
how their behaviour can be managed.

It's worth noting that some 19mos enter the "terrible twos", and
start to tantrum without having a new sibling.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Nikki wrote:
wrote:
. Second, if the child is
having a hard time because he is adjusting to having a new baby and
less
mommy time....sending him to daycare isn't going to fix that.
Getting him
some onene relaxed mommy time on a regular basis would go a lot
further.

You are right -- I forgot about the 19 month old behavior issue. My
kids were further apart, but when my then 3.5 year old was having some
behavior problems, but mother (who watches them while I work part time)
really tried to push me to put the baby in day care part time rather
than the older one because the baby wouldn't notice so much and the
older one needed 1-1 mommy or grandma time and some time away from the
baby.

I didn't do it -- I couldn't see putting my then 4 month old in day
care when it wasn't necessary. A two month old would be even harder. I
think it is a valid perspective though. If the OP's wife could pump
some and hire a sitter to watch the baby for an hour or two
occasionally, she could focus energy on the older one. This will feel
like a break to her, and would help the older one a lot.

Jan

Tomwaters wrote:

I don't want to send the child to
daycare for that reason because I think it's too early. Aside from
the
different view point about whether it's good for him or not, I just
don't think we can afford it on a permanent basis, especially if both
kids go to day care from toddler to kindergarden.

Different kids are different. One of mine was dead keen to go to
preschool from 19 months and it was great. The other was less
interested. I really thought my older one benefited from being with
other kids at that age. Maybe yours would, too.

Affordability is a different issue, and I guess it depends to some
extent on your priorities. You might want to talk it over with your
wife and figure how you can work it.

I would personally really worry about over-ruling a primary caregiver
on this issue.

Rupa

I'm going to be uncharacteristically brief (google me to see how
long-winded I can be!). It doesn't matter why she says or thinks she
needs relief -- she needs relief. It sounds to me like she's feeling
kind of desperate, and I think when our spouses reach that point it's
usually best to let them go with what they think will help. Can you
afford $1500 for a three-month experiment with the daycare? You'll all
have clearer heads after a break, and a good preschool (one that is
accredited or certified -- Montessori would certainly qualifiy in my
book) is a good alternative.

If she does have PDD, she may not be able to even realize or admit it
until she gets some ongoing relief and realizes the reason for her
feelings are internal rather than external.

Let her have her way on this, for now, in order to help her sort out
whether there is more to it.

wrote:
Is it really such a good idea to send a 19 month old to daycare
monday
thru friday from 9am to 3pm? If it's really in the best interest of
the kid, I don't mind spending $500 a month, but then what happens
when
the 2 month old gets to that age. Then it'll be $1000 a month. With
just my income and me not wanting to work more than 40 hours, it
would
be very tough financially.

What do you guys think? Any advice or suggestion?

When my 2nd was born, my first was only 19 months old, so I can relate
to your situation! I also understand what your wife is going through,
and how exhausted she must be. Kudos to you for being understanding and
pulling a lot of weight around the house.

IMO, the 19 month old is probably experiencing sibling rivalry and
needs mom's attention. Sending him off to full-time daycare might not
be the best strategy here, although it might not hurt to sign him up
for one or two half-days per week.

Alternatively, why not take part of that $500 you don't mind spending,
and sign up a mother's helper to come into the house during the day, or
at least part of the day?

I'd recommend that initially the mother's helper pitch in with running
the household so mom has more time to give attention to both kids, and
taking the baby off mom's hands from time to time during the day, so
mom can spend more one-on-one time with your son. I do not recommend
the mother's helper taking the son off mom's hands - this can backfire
and make your son even more needy for mom.

jen

Tai wrote:
What about the cost of hiring a regular babysitter to come in and
take your
oldest boy out for a couple of hours?

Hmm, I dunno, Tai. When DD2 was born, the grandparents were all very
well-intentioned, attempting to take DD1 off my hands so I could
concentrate on the baby. All it did was make DD1 (then also only 19
months old) very, very anxious and needy for her mother!

I found this rivarly/needy stage went very quickly once I adopted a few
practices:

1) I always made room for DD1 to sit on my other knee while nursing DD2
(yes, it was awkward and a squish, but this only lasted maybe a week
before she felt secure enough to move to a position on the floor of our
nursing chair).

2) Instead of having grandparents take DD1 off my hands, I handed over
the baby to them. They were thrilled to have the baby all to themselves
for an hour, while I got to take DD1 out for special one-on-one mommy
time.

3) Recruit everyone's help to clear all the housekeeping tasks off my
plate, so I could have more energy leftover to deal with both
children's needs at the same time.

I do agree they might consider hiring a sitter, but I'd have the sitter
either help out with all the housekeeping, or take the baby off mom's
hands, instead of taking the 19 month old away from mommy. If he's
whining, he's feeling needy. Better to address that need with lots of
reassurance and cuddles.

jen