Obtaining Custody

I kind of need a pointer here... (if that's ok)..

Background: I have an 11yr old daughter who lives with her mom, child
custody was awarded in our divorce decree along with child support.

I'm one of those good dads who lives 270miles away, but sees his little girl
several times per month, holidays and summer time.

Well, she want's to live with dad, but mom hasn't let her. Mom isn't a bad
mother, daughter and mom just don't get along.

Mom just decided to let dad have custody beginning this next half of the
school year!! (Hurrayy!!!) One catch... Dad must continue to pay mom child
support because she is a greedy bitch.... (did I just write that?)

We were divorced in a state that doesn't believe in alimony, and she has
since remarried anyway (going through ANOTHER divorce) and she claims she
really needs the money....

Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
anything to have her.

The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too??? It
just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody, then so be
it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of precedence is there
for a case like this?

Thanks!!!!
Good dad totally into his kiddo...

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uuKjf.898$SM5.493@dukeread02...
I kind of need a pointer here... (if that's ok)..

Background: I have an 11yr old daughter who lives with her mom, child
custody was awarded in our divorce decree along with child support.

I'm one of those good dads who lives 270miles away, but sees his little
girl several times per month, holidays and summer time.

Well, she want's to live with dad, but mom hasn't let her. Mom isn't a
bad mother, daughter and mom just don't get along.

Mom just decided to let dad have custody beginning this next half of the
school year!! (Hurrayy!!!) One catch... Dad must continue to pay mom
child support because she is a greedy bitch.... (did I just write that?)

We were divorced in a state that doesn't believe in alimony, and she has
since remarried anyway (going through ANOTHER divorce) and she claims she
really needs the money....

Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
anything to have her.

The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too??? It
just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody, then so
be it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of precedence is
there
====
File for custody and support *after* the child is with you (without telling
anyone beforehand)
====

Thanks! I've thought about this, but it "can't" be that easy... We divorced
in Texas, I live in Virginia, and her mom in NC. Damn.. I can't afford the
5 thousand an attorney wants either..


"Gini" wrote in message
news:7OKjf.697$2O1.435@trndny09...

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uuKjf.898$SM5.493@dukeread02...
I kind of need a pointer here... (if that's ok)..

Background: I have an 11yr old daughter who lives with her mom, child
custody was awarded in our divorce decree along with child support.

I'm one of those good dads who lives 270miles away, but sees his little
girl several times per month, holidays and summer time.

Well, she want's to live with dad, but mom hasn't let her. Mom isn't a
bad mother, daughter and mom just don't get along.

Mom just decided to let dad have custody beginning this next half of the
school year!! (Hurrayy!!!) One catch... Dad must continue to pay mom
child support because she is a greedy bitch.... (did I just write that?)

We were divorced in a state that doesn't believe in alimony, and she has
since remarried anyway (going through ANOTHER divorce) and she claims she
really needs the money....

Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
anything to have her.

The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too??? It
just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody, then so
be it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of precedence is
there
====
File for custody and support *after* the child is with you (without
telling anyone beforehand)
====

~dudemaster wrote:

: Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
: anything to have her.

: The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too??? It
: just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody, then so be
: it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of precedence is there
: for a case like this?

Custody and child support are two different issues. First, get the custody
order legally modified and recorded with the court. After that, file
a change in circumstances and have the child support modified based on
the new custody plan.

I asked my attorney this specific question and his advice is the same.
Judges don't like frequant changes in custody orders so once it's changed
and you have a permanent situation with custody, then go after the CS
change.

Yes, she is a greedy bitch.

b.

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uMLjf.903$SM5.698@dukeread02...
Thanks! I've thought about this, but it "can't" be that easy... We
divorced in Texas, I live in Virginia, and her mom in NC. Damn.. I can't
afford the 5 thousand an attorney wants either..
====
If the child lives with you, VA should be the controlling state although
I've seen some courts wiggle
out of this by not wanting to muddy the waters of two different states
having jurisdiction over one child.
You might do best to wait 6 months or so after the child is
with you and enrolled in school--Courts don't like to uproot kids in school.
But...The first thing you need to do is research VA family law
statutes--Study them thoroughly.
Don't worry about child support until there is a custody hearing. If you are
awarded custody, you can petition to have
support ended in DC or wherever that case is. You can then file for support
from your ex in VA. Most states have
now streamlined their family courts to accomodate parents representing
themselves but you must KNOW your state's
statutes and the Rules of Procedure which are critical. If you wait 6 months
to file for custody, you have time
to learn the statutes and procedures and will have an idea of whether you
are comfortable doing it without an attorney.
Many of us here have done our own filings but that isn't the right route for
everyone. There are many many variables.
During that 6 months, you should also stockpile cash. That said, there may
already be statutes that discontinue child support
for extended "visits" with the NCP. In Florida, support is reduced 50% for
visits over 30 days. What is the *current* controlling
state/jurisdiction?
====


"Gini" wrote in message
news:7OKjf.697$2O1.435@trndny09...

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uuKjf.898$SM5.493@dukeread02...
I kind of need a pointer here... (if that's ok)..

Background: I have an 11yr old daughter who lives with her mom, child
custody was awarded in our divorce decree along with child support.

I'm one of those good dads who lives 270miles away, but sees his little
girl several times per month, holidays and summer time.

Well, she want's to live with dad, but mom hasn't let her. Mom isn't a
bad mother, daughter and mom just don't get along.

Mom just decided to let dad have custody beginning this next half of the
school year!! (Hurrayy!!!) One catch... Dad must continue to pay mom
child support because she is a greedy bitch.... (did I just write that?)

We were divorced in a state that doesn't believe in alimony, and she has
since remarried anyway (going through ANOTHER divorce) and she claims
she really needs the money....

Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
anything to have her.

The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too???
It just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody, then
so be it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of
precedence is there
====
File for custody and support *after* the child is with you (without
telling anyone beforehand)
====

Custody and child support are two different issues. First, get the
custody
order legally modified and recorded with the court. After that, file
a change in circumstances and have the child support modified based on
the new custody plan.

Thank you! This is good and wonderful advise. I'm going to do some
research on how to do this here in Virginia.

Since custody & CS was decided and documented in the divorce decree in Texas
(5yrs ago), I'm guessing that I would simply (or not so simply) goto the
court that deals with such issues in my city (VA Beach), speak to a clerk
(one of the nice ladies behind the bullet proof glass), and with my divorce
decree in hand I'll fill out whatever forms they give me...

I did come up with a legal form for my ex-wife to sign that indicates she is
giving me custody -- but she modified it to include that I agree to continue
to pay child support iaw the divorce decree. But, I'm keeping in the back
of my mind, she is violating the divorce decree by giving me custody to
begin with, which makes the agreement regarding the CS null.

Whew.. I'm trying to avoid an attorney -- I'm active duty military (18yrs)
and I'm not paid enough to afford one (and contrary to public myths, they
don't help us in cases like this either).

I asked my attorney this specific question and his advice is the same.
Judges don't like frequant changes in custody orders so once it's changed
and you have a permanent situation with custody, then go after the CS
change.

This makes absolute sense... I'm kind of walking into this blind, but I'm
doing so with my child's best interest at heart. I'll continue to pay the
support if I "have" to just so that I can have her, but what her mom is
asking is just -- well : "Yes, she is a greedy bitch.", thank you.. Well
stated grin

Thank you!
LT

Again, this is all excellent advise...!! I will have custody beginning on
Christmas Day, with no end in sight. Our agreement (on paper) is until the
end of Summer School (and school year 06) which would put her with me
slightly longer than 6 months. Even after that, knowing her mother, I'll
probably continue to keep her for the remainder of the year. My daughter
doesn't want to go back because the situation for her at her mom's is very
unpleasant for her.

That being said, I'm going to start researching the VA state custody
statutes beginning tomorrow, and before lunch tomorrow -- I'm taking a trip
to the court house and see if there is something that I should file either
before hand or after my daughter comes to live with me. I want to ensure
that her stay with me is documented with the courts (somehow). Perhaps
they'll just tell me the fact she is enrolled in school is enough
documentation, I don't know...

Like you said, because we reside here in VA, then I think their courts
should decide. However, her mom (and her) reside in NC, and we divorced in
the state of TX 5yrs ago --- "AND" I'm active duty military (18yrs -- almost
done) so there are some strange variables involved.

I know her mom can't afford a court battle, and I have an enormous amount of
credit with NONE of it used, so I can afford a pretty good fight grin, but
I'd prefer not to have one.

I just keep reminding myself, that it's for my daughter. If she changed her
mind and decided to go back to mom at the end of the school year, then I'd
help her go. But I don't think that will happen (miserable situation there).

Ironically I called the county in Texas where we got our decree yesterday,
and I talked to three different women who, when they realized I was a "Man"
paying child support, refused to help or have anything to do with me. I'm
afraid that dead-beat-dads have set such a tone, that many child support
offices have stereotyped all men as being dead-beat (sadly). I've never
missed a payment or a chance to see my baby girl. Hell, I've but about 2000
miles a month on my car every year for the last 5 years in visitation
(except when I was deployed)... I'm ranting aren't I? (sorry....)

Thank you Gigi
LT

If the child lives with you, VA should be the controlling state although
I've seen some courts wiggle
out of this by not wanting to muddy the waters of two different states
having jurisdiction over one child.
You might do best to wait 6 months or so after the child is
with you and enrolled in school--Courts don't like to uproot kids in
school.
But...The first thing you need to do is research VA family law
statutes--Study them thoroughly.
Don't worry about child support until there is a custody hearing. If you
are awarded custody, you can petition to have
support ended in DC or wherever that case is. You can then file for
support from your ex in VA. Most states have
now streamlined their family courts to accomodate parents representing
themselves but you must KNOW your state's
statutes and the Rules of Procedure which are critical. If you wait 6
months to file for custody, you have time
to learn the statutes and procedures and will have an idea of whether you
are comfortable doing it without an attorney.
Many of us here have done our own filings but that isn't the right route
for everyone. There are many many variables.
During that 6 months, you should also stockpile cash. That said, there may
already be statutes that discontinue child support
for extended "visits" with the NCP. In Florida, support is reduced 50% for
visits over 30 days. What is the *current* controlling
state/jurisdiction?
====


"Gini" wrote in message
news:7OKjf.697$2O1.435@trndny09...

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uuKjf.898$SM5.493@dukeread02...
I kind of need a pointer here... (if that's ok)..

Background: I have an 11yr old daughter who lives with her mom, child
custody was awarded in our divorce decree along with child support.

I'm one of those good dads who lives 270miles away, but sees his little
girl several times per month, holidays and summer time.

Well, she want's to live with dad, but mom hasn't let her. Mom isn't a
bad mother, daughter and mom just don't get along.

Mom just decided to let dad have custody beginning this next half of
the school year!! (Hurrayy!!!) One catch... Dad must continue to pay
mom child support because she is a greedy bitch.... (did I just write
that?)

We were divorced in a state that doesn't believe in alimony, and she
has since remarried anyway (going through ANOTHER divorce) and she
claims she really needs the money....

Well -- I (dad) agreed because (I) dad loves his daughter and would do
anything to have her.

The bottom line is, how can I get her and not pay child support too???
It just doesn't seem fair.... If I have to pay it AND Have custody,
then so be it.. But, what kind of rights to I have and what kind of
precedence is there
====
File for custody and support *after* the child is with you (without
telling anyone beforehand)
====

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:tuMjf.916$SM5.521@dukeread02...
Again, this is all excellent advise...!! I will have custody beginning on
Christmas Day, with no end in sight. Our agreement (on paper) is until
the end of Summer School (and school year 06) which would put her with me
slightly longer than 6 months. Even after that, knowing her mother, I'll
probably continue to keep her for the remainder of the year. My daughter
doesn't want to go back because the situation for her at her mom's is very
unpleasant for her.
====
It's hard to say how a court will view waiver of support for a child not
living with the
payee. Most states take the position that a parent does not have the right
to waive the "child's" support. In your case, perhaps you can sign the
agreement and then
file for child support against her. Did you agree not to do that?
In my husband's case, the court refused to order my husband to pay support
to his ex for one year my stepson lived with us. Under statute, the judge
didn't have that authority
because we never filed for a modification, but she didn't appeal.
====

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uMLjf.903$SM5.698@dukeread02...
Thanks! I've thought about this, but it "can't" be that easy... We
divorced
in Texas, I live in Virginia, and her mom in NC. Damn.. I can't afford
the
5 thousand an attorney wants either..

Here are a couple of the basics for you to look into.

1.) Which state has jurisdiction for a custody modification? Has the
original divorce proceeding file ever been transferred to another state
shifting jurisdiction or creating dual jurisdictions? If the original
custody order is from Texas and the file has not been transferred then Texas
retains jurisdiction for any modification of their order until the file is
transferred.

2.) Does Virginia law allow you to transfer a case to Virginia if the child
resides in North Carolina? Usually the case file can be transferred to the
state where the child resides.

There is more to this from a legal standpoint than just going down to the
local courthouse and filing a motion to change custody.

"Bob Whiteside" wrote in message
ink.net...

"~dudemaster" wrote in message
news:uMLjf.903$SM5.698@dukeread02...
Thanks! I've thought about this, but it "can't" be that easy... We
divorced
in Texas, I live in Virginia, and her mom in NC. Damn.. I can't afford
the
5 thousand an attorney wants either..

Here are a couple of the basics for you to look into.

1.) Which state has jurisdiction for a custody modification? Has the
original divorce proceeding file ever been transferred to another state
shifting jurisdiction or creating dual jurisdictions? If the original
custody order is from Texas and the file has not been transferred then
Texas
retains jurisdiction for any modification of their order until the file is
transferred.

2.) Does Virginia law allow you to transfer a case to Virginia if the
child
resides in North Carolina? Usually the case file can be transferred to the
state where the child resides.

There is more to this from a legal standpoint than just going down to the
local courthouse and filing a motion to change custody.
====
Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the controlling Rules of Procedures (and the
fortitude of the
party). The one time we hired an atty., we lost big time.
====