no baby shower forthcoming.. advice?

Hi -

As my pregnancy is progressing (I am 27w2d today) I find myself more and
more bothered that nobody in my large, extended family has mentioned a
baby shower.

I miscarried very early on in pregnancy in March 2003 and before I knew
I was miscarrying my family had already made noises about having a baby
shower around 20 weeks.

DH and I live about 4 hrs north of my family, and his family is only his
mom and dad. We have a few friends, the only close ones are male and
single. (I have no close female friends in the area.)

So, my only hope for a shower would be by my family: I have 3 older
sisters, a mom, plenty of cousins, nieces, etc. Plenty of women to get
excited about baby, to plan a shower, to toss me a party you name it.
But no one has mentioned *anything* and I seriously doubt they're doing
a surprise bash (there's too many loose tongues involved).

Now it's not that I'm unloved here - I'm the baby of the family, they've
all been wondering when I'd get PG since they all popped out babies by
age 17-19 and here I am 26 and having my first. I'm the last one in my
generation to have babies in this family and my mom is so excited she
can barely contain herself.

It's not like they've done nothing for baby - one of my sisters has
given me some good hand-me-downs including a whicker bassinet, and my
mom is making a baby book with pictures of the family, ultrasound photos
and so forth.

It's just that I feel somehow really jilted, like deep down nobody
*really* thinks this baby is special cuz they won't even do the standard
shower.

I'm a little lost on what to do here... if DH and I had a little more
cash on hand I'd just throw my own party and invite them all... I feel
this baby deserves a party!! We tried for 2 years and had 1 loss, I also
feel like *I* deserve a party for finally getting it right!

I don't know.. should I mention it to my mom or something? It is really
bothering me but I don't want to pressure anyone into doing anything
they don't want to do.. I don't want a party they threw just out of
guilt! I want them to throw me a party because they are really happy for
the baby and want to celebrate. But I want them to know my feelings are
hurt. I kind of know that if I wait until after the baby is here to
mention it (which would prevent guilt-induced parties) that I'd be
bitter and angry about it and mention it whenever baby showers were
discussed.

I also feel like if I don't get a shower with this baby it wouldn't be
fair to have a baby shower for any of my other future children!! Which
would kind of condemn me forever to never have a baby shower. *sigh*

Bleah

As my pregnancy is progressing (I am 27w2d today) I find myself more and
more bothered that nobody in my large, extended family has mentioned a
baby shower.


I think baby showers are conservatively held quite late in the pregnancy. I
wouldn't be surprised if they are waiting for your last month. Perhaps they
think that you would prefer this, i.e. feeling anxious right up to the last
minute. But you could mention it, I suppose something like "do you think we
should have a shower?" and see where that leads.
Good luck
Honey

As my pregnancy is progressing (I am 27w2d today) I find myself more and
more bothered that nobody in my large, extended family has mentioned a
baby shower.

I miscarried very early on in pregnancy in March 2003 and before I knew
I was miscarrying my family had already made noises about having a baby
shower around 20 weeks.


I suspect that's the reason nobody has mentioned it this time around -- I'm
sure the earlier experience was very awkward and sad! It's still early; most
showers aren't held until the last month of the pregnancy, which means the
planning wouldn't necessarily have to start for a few more weeks yet.

You might be able to casually bring it up in a conversation about planning for
family visits when the baby is born or something, but I'd suggest giving it at
least another couple weeks before worrying about it too much.

Holly
Mom to Camden, almost 3
EDD #2 6/8/04

"Shena Delian O'Brien" wrote in message
news:u0FMb.33502$Rc4.126974@attbi_s54...
Hi -

As my pregnancy is progressing (I am 27w2d today) I find myself more and
more bothered that nobody in my large, extended family has mentioned a
baby shower.

I miscarried very early on in pregnancy in March 2003 and before I knew
I was miscarrying my family had already made noises about having a baby
shower around 20 weeks.

DH and I live about 4 hrs north of my family, and his family is only his
mom and dad. We have a few friends, the only close ones are male and
single. (I have no close female friends in the area.)

So, my only hope for a shower would be by my family: I have 3 older
sisters, a mom, plenty of cousins, nieces, etc. Plenty of women to get
excited about baby, to plan a shower, to toss me a party you name it.
But no one has mentioned *anything* and I seriously doubt they're doing
a surprise bash (there's too many loose tongues involved).

Now it's not that I'm unloved here - I'm the baby of the family, they've
all been wondering when I'd get PG since they all popped out babies by
age 17-19 and here I am 26 and having my first. I'm the last one in my
generation to have babies in this family and my mom is so excited she
can barely contain herself.

It's not like they've done nothing for baby - one of my sisters has
given me some good hand-me-downs including a whicker bassinet, and my
mom is making a baby book with pictures of the family, ultrasound photos
and so forth.

It's just that I feel somehow really jilted, like deep down nobody
*really* thinks this baby is special cuz they won't even do the standard
shower.

I'm a little lost on what to do here... if DH and I had a little more
cash on hand I'd just throw my own party and invite them all... I feel
this baby deserves a party!! We tried for 2 years and had 1 loss, I also
feel like *I* deserve a party for finally getting it right!

I don't know.. should I mention it to my mom or something? It is really
bothering me but I don't want to pressure anyone into doing anything
they don't want to do.. I don't want a party they threw just out of
guilt! I want them to throw me a party because they are really happy for
the baby and want to celebrate. But I want them to know my feelings are
hurt. I kind of know that if I wait until after the baby is here to
mention it (which would prevent guilt-induced parties) that I'd be
bitter and angry about it and mention it whenever baby showers were
discussed.

I also feel like if I don't get a shower with this baby it wouldn't be
fair to have a baby shower for any of my other future children!! Which
would kind of condemn me forever to never have a baby shower. *sigh*

Bleah


Not sure about where you are, but most baby showers where I come from are
surprises...so maybe there's something planned that you just don't know
about? Why not express your disappointment and maybe someone will let a
hint drop to you for reassurance?

"Shena Delian O'Brien" wrote in message
news:u0FMb.33502$Rc4.126974@attbi_s54...
Hi -

As my pregnancy is progressing (I am 27w2d today) I find myself more and
more bothered that nobody in my large, extended family has mentioned a
baby shower.

I miscarried very early on in pregnancy in March 2003 and before I knew
I was miscarrying my family had already made noises about having a baby
shower around 20 weeks.

snip

I'd get your DH to have a quiet word to your mum and let her know your keen
for one.
Alissa

"New York Jen" wrote in message
.net...

"Shena Delian O'Brien" wrote in message
news:u0FMb.33502$Rc4.126974@attbi_s54...

I'm a little lost on what to do here... if DH and I had a little more
cash on hand I'd just throw my own party and invite them all... I feel
this baby deserves a party!! We tried for 2 years and had 1 loss, I also
feel like *I* deserve a party for finally getting it right!

I don't know.. should I mention it to my mom or something? It is really
bothering me but I don't want to pressure anyone into doing anything
they don't want to do.. I don't want a party they threw just out of
guilt! I want them to throw me a party because they are really happy for
the baby and want to celebrate. But I want them to know my feelings are
hurt. I kind of know that if I wait until after the baby is here to
mention it (which would prevent guilt-induced parties) that I'd be
bitter and angry about it and mention it whenever baby showers were
discussed.

Not sure about where you are, but most baby showers where I come from are
surprises...so maybe there's something planned that you just don't know
about? Why not express your disappointment and maybe someone will let a
hint drop to you for reassurance?

I can agree about the bitterness, though. When my twins were born
prematurely after 2 months on bedrest, and most of a pregnancy being one
crisis after another, I got ....two balloons from my brother and his wife,
and a couple of matching twinsy outfits from people who meant well, and
should have known better. It was a lot like...shrug, big deal. No
acknowledgement. One day when I was still recovering in hospital from my
c/s, and the babies were up in the NICU, and I was making my extremely slow
and painful way to the elevator to go see them, I passed a room that was
simply overflowing with flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals. My DH and I
looked at each other and said, "First baby, first grandbaby". We laughed.
But I was bitter.

At least I knew to expect that baby #4's appearance would be effectively
ignored.

--angela

Shena Delian O'Brien wrote:


It's just that I feel somehow really jilted, like deep down nobody
*really* thinks this baby is special cuz they won't even do the standard
shower.

I'm a little lost on what to do here... if DH and I had a little more
cash on hand I'd just throw my own party and invite them all... I feel
this baby deserves a party!! We tried for 2 years and had 1 loss, I also
feel like *I* deserve a party for finally getting it right!

I don't know.. should I mention it to my mom or something? It is really
bothering me but I don't want to pressure anyone into doing anything
they don't want to do.. I don't want a party they threw just out of
guilt! I want them to throw me a party because they are really happy for
the baby and want to celebrate. But I want them to know my feelings are
hurt. I kind of know that if I wait until after the baby is here to
mention it (which would prevent guilt-induced parties) that I'd be
bitter and angry about it and mention it whenever baby showers were
discussed.

I also feel like if I don't get a shower with this baby it wouldn't be
fair to have a baby shower for any of my other future children!! Which
would kind of condemn me forever to never have a baby shower. *sigh*


Let me preface this by saying that I *totally*
understand your feelings about this. It's perfectly normal
to feel as you do, and there's nothing wrong with having
these feelings. That said, I think you just need to let it
go. Maybe there will be a shower and maybe there won't be,
but having a shower is not the only, or even the best, way
for your friends and family to show they love and care about
you and the baby. Many people don't ever have showers. It
has nothing to do with how loved the baby is.
In addition, there really isn't *anything* you can
do about it anyway without looking awfully greedy. I'm
not at all suggesting that any of your feelings are motivated
by greed. I know it's common to have showers and that
it makes you wonder why not you, even if you're not thinking
at all about the loot aspect. But you can't say anything
to anyone else about it because no matter what you say,
people are likely to *perceive* it as being about the loot.
Showers, like gifts, are things that have to be given
freely, not things that people get guilted into. You
just have to let go--no guilt, no recriminations, no
bitterness.
Also, keep firmly in mind that showers are NOT
for the baby. If they were, it would be just awful that
ONLY first babies are supposed to get showers. Showers
are to celebrate a transition in a WOMAN'S life--in this
case, from childlessness to motherhood. If you do have
a shower, you will still be prohibited by etiquette
rules from having a shower for any future babies.
Another thing to keep in mind--showers are not
the only way to celebrate or welcome a baby. They're
just the only way of doing so that one can't do for
herself (or for close relatives). You can't throw
your own shower because the mandatory gift thing makes
it look like gift grubbing. You can, however, throw
any other party for your baby that you like, before
or after he or she arrives. If you're upset at the
lack of celebration, go right ahead and throw some
sort of obviously-not-a-shower party and have all
the fun you like. People won't be required to bring
gifts, but if it's not all about the loot, that doesn't
really matter ;-) In point of fact, most people *will*
bring a gift to such parties if there hasn't been a
shower. You just don't get to open those gifts at
the party so as not to embarrass those who didn't
bring a gift.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Hey Shena, I am in the UK (uk pregnancy newgroups are sparsly populated
hence why I am in here...hope theres no rules about that?) We don't have
baby showers at all here, its not something I have ever seen either.

One thing I have done recently though is have a belly painting party for me,
my partner and of course wriggly babe....it was actually wonderful and
really felt like a family celebration, we took pics for Haydens scrap book
and got lots of laughs trying to paint on my tum with Hayden wriggling at
all the intricate moments which made me laugh, making my belly wobble like a
jelly which made us both laugh harder....not quite a baby shower but very
intimate and beautiful experience none the less....

good luck with your baby
nikki

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Shena Delian O'Brien wrote:


It's just that I feel somehow really jilted, like deep down nobody
*really* thinks this baby is special cuz they won't even do the standard
shower.

I'm a little lost on what to do here... if DH and I had a little more
cash on hand I'd just throw my own party and invite them all... I feel
this baby deserves a party!! We tried for 2 years and had 1 loss, I also
feel like *I* deserve a party for finally getting it right!

I don't know.. should I mention it to my mom or something? It is really
bothering me but I don't want to pressure anyone into doing anything
they don't want to do.. I don't want a party they threw just out of
guilt! I want them to throw me a party because they are really happy for
the baby and want to celebrate. But I want them to know my feelings are
hurt. I kind of know that if I wait until after the baby is here to
mention it (which would prevent guilt-induced parties) that I'd be
bitter and angry about it and mention it whenever baby showers were
discussed.

I also feel like if I don't get a shower with this baby it wouldn't be
fair to have a baby shower for any of my other future children!! Which
would kind of condemn me forever to never have a baby shower. *sigh*


Let me preface this by saying that I *totally*
understand your feelings about this. It's perfectly normal
to feel as you do, and there's nothing wrong with having
these feelings. That said, I think you just need to let it
go. Maybe there will be a shower and maybe there won't be,
but having a shower is not the only, or even the best, way
for your friends and family to show they love and care about
you and the baby. Many people don't ever have showers. It
has nothing to do with how loved the baby is.
In addition, there really isn't *anything* you can
do about it anyway without looking awfully greedy. I'm
not at all suggesting that any of your feelings are motivated
by greed. I know it's common to have showers and that
it makes you wonder why not you, even if you're not thinking
at all about the loot aspect. But you can't say anything
to anyone else about it because no matter what you say,
people are likely to *perceive* it as being about the loot.
Showers, like gifts, are things that have to be given
freely, not things that people get guilted into. You
just have to let go--no guilt, no recriminations, no
bitterness.
Also, keep firmly in mind that showers are NOT
for the baby. If they were, it would be just awful that
ONLY first babies are supposed to get showers. Showers
are to celebrate a transition in a WOMAN'S life--in this
case, from childlessness to motherhood. If you do have
a shower, you will still be prohibited by etiquette
rules from having a shower for any future babies.
Another thing to keep in mind--showers are not
the only way to celebrate or welcome a baby. They're
just the only way of doing so that one can't do for
herself (or for close relatives). You can't throw
your own shower because the mandatory gift thing makes
it look like gift grubbing. You can, however, throw
any other party for your baby that you like, before
or after he or she arrives. If you're upset at the
lack of celebration, go right ahead and throw some
sort of obviously-not-a-shower party and have all
the fun you like. People won't be required to bring
gifts, but if it's not all about the loot, that doesn't
really matter ;-) In point of fact, most people *will*
bring a gift to such parties if there hasn't been a
shower. You just don't get to open those gifts at
the party so as not to embarrass those who didn't
bring a gift.

Best wishes,
Ericka

This is really excellent advice, expressed very eloquently but
succinctly. I am expecting my second, and am not expecting there to be a
shower, although I personally feel that each individual child should be
welcomed and celebrated regardless of birth order!

Part of the reason I don't expect a big to-do over this baby is simply
because as a stay at home mom, I am pretty isolated from my old group of
friends and most of the other people I see over the course of the week
are other moms from my son's preschool class. My parents are on the
opposite coast, so nothing doing there, except I'm sure my parents will
send/bring a gift and money for something we need. My husband's family,
which is nearest, well, my SIL is due 3 weeks before me with a high
risk pregnancy and both my husband's parents are experiencing some
pretty serious health crises right now, so we're all just taking each
thing day by day and dealing with whoever is at the top of the list on a
given day.

We don't need a lot of stuff, but we do need some, and I imagine the
gp's will give us money or ask us what we do need. Otherwise, assuming
there will be no shower, I would like to have a come see the baby open
house kind of thing maybe about six weeks after the baby is born, but
that might be fantasy as I remember well how hard the first few months
were and cleaning the house and planning even a simple party may well be
beyond our capabilities.

But Erica is right, you can't give yourself a shower, and you can't ask
for one to be given. But it does seem a bit early on for you to even be
thinking about it, most showers seem to happen around one month before
the due date or thereabouts. I'd proceed as if nothing were going to
happen, then be thankful if it does. Buy the basics of what you need for
the baby's arrival, which is really surprisingly little, and then just
pick up the rest as you need it.

-Karen, mom to Henry 3 1/2 and someone due without much fanfare 4/24/04-

On Tue, 13 Jan 2004 11:17:08 -0000, "nikki"
wrote:

Hey Shena, I am in the UK (uk pregnancy newgroups are sparsly populated
hence why I am in here...hope theres no rules about that?) We don't have
baby showers at all here, its not something I have ever seen either.

Of course UKers can post here! But some of us are in
uk.people.parents.pregnancy too!

I think the closest we get is a leaving do for women going on
maternity leave.
--
Linz
YB: 12 weeks, around 13lbs