Need your advice/help for dealing with a 3-yr old's temper

Banty wrote:

He'd have some image of how things are 'sposed to happen, and when they
deviated, he'd flip. And there was this thing where, if we ever passed our
house on the way to another errand, he'd be all upset that we didn't stop at
home.

I think it's a developmental thing.

No specific advice, except that it's a pick-your-battle thing as has been
already said.

And "this too shall pass" is a pretty good parenthood mantra.

I agree that it's normal and developmental (though some
kids are more dramatic than others), and I also agree that it's
very much a time to pick your battles. However, I think "this
too shall pass" only works if you deal with the issue. It's
normal developmentally for kids around this age to test the
limits of their control. As long as they find that their span
of control extends about as far as it should, then it will pass.
If they find that they have rather a lot of control over things
they shouldn't control, then not only will it persist, but it's
likely to get worse.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

Banty wrote:

He'd have some image of how things are 'sposed to happen, and when they
deviated, he'd flip. And there was this thing where, if we ever passed our
house on the way to another errand, he'd be all upset that we didn't stop at
home.

I think it's a developmental thing.

No specific advice, except that it's a pick-your-battle thing as has been
already said.

And "this too shall pass" is a pretty good parenthood mantra.

I agree that it's normal and developmental (though some
kids are more dramatic than others), and I also agree that it's
very much a time to pick your battles. However, I think "this
too shall pass" only works if you deal with the issue. It's
normal developmentally for kids around this age to test the
limits of their control. As long as they find that their span
of control extends about as far as it should, then it will pass.
If they find that they have rather a lot of control over things
they shouldn't control, then not only will it persist, but it's
likely to get worse.

True. I think it may also get worse if they have control over too *little*.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Banty wrote:

He'd have some image of how things are 'sposed to happen, and when they
deviated, he'd flip. And there was this thing where, if we ever passed our
house on the way to another errand, he'd be all upset that we didn't stop at
home.

I think it's a developmental thing.

No specific advice, except that it's a pick-your-battle thing as has been
already said.

And "this too shall pass" is a pretty good parenthood mantra.
I agree that it's normal and developmental (though some
kids are more dramatic than others), and I also agree that it's
very much a time to pick your battles. However, I think "this
too shall pass" only works if you deal with the issue. It's
normal developmentally for kids around this age to test the
limits of their control. As long as they find that their span
of control extends about as far as it should, then it will pass.
If they find that they have rather a lot of control over things
they shouldn't control, then not only will it persist, but it's
likely to get worse.

True. I think it may also get worse if they have control over too *little*.

Absolutely. That's why I think the key is being clear
*in advance* where they have choices and where they don't. It's
no wonder they're all over the map if they get mixed signals,
plus it totally defeats the purpose.

Best wishes,
Ericka

wrote:
Thanks for the advices!

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.



My kids' terrible twos defintely happened at three.


I realize that I need to set out some clear rules and then stick to
them. Something like "positive discipline"?



Yep. Lots of great books on the subject if the techniques are not part of
your natural repetiore. They certainly were not part of mine!

But it took me some time to realize that. At first, I just do not
understand why he likes to do that. Now I think it is time to set the
limits on certain behavior. Of course, I know lots of care/ attention
is necessary. I also tend to be a good listener to his kind of
"complaint " about broken bananas. I do need more and more patience
though.

On Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:24:13 -0700 (PDT), wrote:

I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!

As others have said, this is a normal phase of development. I know it
is hard to deal with.

Someone suggested empathy for what he is upset about and that is a
great idea.

Some other ideas - be proactive in teaching flexible thinking and
anger management.

First, acknowledge the child's anger. Just saying "Wow, you are angry
because you could not have ice cream for lunch" or whatever, sometimes
defuses the tantrum.

Second, when a child is calm, teach them how to deal with anger
productively. Teach them to breathe out their anger and create a
sign (maybe just touching them on the arm) that reminds them to
breathe.

Third, when your child is calm, try using puppets or dolls to act out
scenarios and give him words and other ways to deal with his anger.

Fourth, stay calm yourself. Walk away (I know it is hard) and take the
wind out of his sails. Don't react to tantrums at all when they
happen. Let him have his *fit* and then when he is calm discuss what
happened.

Fifth, read books about emotions and talk about how the characters
acted. For toddlers, "The Temper Tantrum Book" by Edna Mitchell
Preston is fairly simple and tells why the characters are having their
tantrums. For preschoolers, "When Sophie Gets Angry, Very, Very Angry"
by Molly Bang is helpful. So is "When I Feel Angry (Way I Feel)" by
Cornelia Maude Spelman. "It's Hard to Be Five : Learning How to Work
My Control Panel" by Jamie Lee Curtis is good for 4 and 5 year olds.
"How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger" by Elizabeth Verdick is good for
older children as well as preschoolers. "A Volcano in My Tummy :
Helping Children to Handle Anger" by Eliane Whitehouse
gives you activities to help you get a handle on anger.

Relaxing together can help - take deep breaths together. Practice that
with him as a regulatory pattern . Take him away from that scene
first. Then hold his hands or him and say "You are not calm. Lets
become calm. Breathe in....." "Breathe out...." Breathe in a very
exagerrated manner. He may not do the heavy breathing but will
probably try. This will take his mind off from whatever was bothering
him first. After a few minutes tell him "You are calm now! Wow! We
both are calm and that feels so much better" and return to what you
were doing. Removing him from the scene, getting him to calm down,
will make him more receptive to what you want to say or do with him.

You can teach breathing using games (when he is already calm)

Ballooning

When you balloon, you breathe in (deeply) and as you breath in you
start with your arms at your sides and raise them up parallel to
your shoulders and up over your head. Then you blow it all out,
make it exaggerated like a balloon spewing out all the air. The
kids really like it and it really lowers tension.

Draining

When you drain, you put both hands out in front of you, you twist (and
twist, and twist and twist) your hands around like you were turning
off water and you screw your face all up, then you blow the air out
through your lips (I know... there will be a little spit!) but the
kids really like that one and you can feel the stress and tension
leaving your own body! (automatic stress relief!)

After he knows these, sometimes when he is angry, you can just say
*balloon* or *drain* and he might start the game with you.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

"Stephanie" wrote in message
. ..
wrote:
Thanks for the advices!

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.



My kids' terrible twos defintely happened at three.

They always happen at three. I don't know when they ever happen at two,
LOL.

To OP, I'd echo everyone else and say it really helps to let them know what
is going to happen before it happens. Choose what you will let slide and
what you won't before it happens. It's very confusing when you first react
with absolute authority that he can't do something and then negotiate and
relent or just always negotiate.

In fact, I don't quite like negotiating all the time. It just gives the kid
too much power over everything Negotiate occasionally, yes, but not over
everything. I'd give choices when there are choices. In fact, I thought it
funny one day when DS came to me in the store one day. He wanted a toy, but
instead of asking me for a toy, he asked me which one I wanted.

FWIW, I've seen kids who were absolute horrors at that age grow out of it
quite well without much intervention. It must be cultural. The boys run
wild at that age, but they are perfect citizens once they hit grade school.
By that time, they are expected to understand appropriate behavior and would
then be disciplined accordingly.

wrote:

Things triggered his temper seem trivial: eg, a banana is broke, a
cookie is not in certain shape, I get him a tissue from the wrong
tissue box, insist on wearing his pajama pants, etc.

Sounds a lot like my Rocky, who will turn 3 in May!
Most of these things just sound like testing limits,
control issues, or learning how things work. He's
not really being a bad child.

If the grapes are pulled off the stalk, he will cry
copious tears trying to put them back on. Same
thing w/ the tissue... it has to come from the box
*he* wants it from.

I choose my battles. If I need him to put on shoes
to go to school and he won't, I just pick him and
his shoes up and put him in the car, no negotiations.
If I can afford the time, I reason with him (this
banana is broken, do you want the bottom half? No?
okay, we'll get another one later/tomorrow/whenever.)
Sometimes I can distract him by making a huge fuss
over his tears (let's wipe this tear, and *that* one,
oh no, we have to wipe your nose).

In general, though, an honest, logical reasoning
("logical" as in "you have to wear shoes or you will
get leaves stuck to the bottom of your socks, remember
when the leaves got stuck to your socks last time?)
works wonders.

For dressing, if he doesn't want to change, I let
him to go school in PJs.

If he is truly being bad (not just testing limits)
like he's hitting his brother, then I will hold his
arms and let him full out cry and tantrum as I
explain what he is doing is wrong.

-- Anita --

toypup wrote:


"Stephanie" wrote in message
. ..
wrote:
Thanks for the advices!

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.



My kids' terrible twos defintely happened at three.

They always happen at three. I don't know when they ever happen at two,
LOL.

I think it's two different things. I think some kids have
"terrible twos" and they seem to be the ones who can't yet communicate
effectively. They get very frustrated because they can't get the
world to go their way because they can't explain what they want.
I think a lot of kids have challenges at three, because that's around
when they usually start up with pushing boundaries.

In fact, I don't quite like negotiating all the time. It just gives the
kid too much power over everything

Not only that, but it takes *forever*. Sometimes you just
need to get a move on! I had a friend who was very into negotiating
everything with her first. She explained everything, gained consensus
on everything, had a very mild mannered, compliant child. Then she
had her second ;-) She found she no longer had time to negotiate
and explain absolutely everything, and number two really took her
for a ride for a while! It was a tough transition for all of them.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I could not access the internet last night. Thanks for all those
wonderful suggestions.

It helps me to understand DS's problem better. I would absolutely
explore those suggested approaches.

Ericka-- I agree with you totally on " decide *in advance", respond
effectively, be careful with the negotiation. I need to learn to
quickly tell the difference between genuine behaviors and
manipulation.

Nan-- thank for the warm support and suggestion.

Banty-- I totally agree that too much power is not good for DS.
Thanks.

Stephanie-- "How to Talk" definitely matters. I would check this out.

toto -- good advices. *ballooning* or *draining" sound like fun
strategy. I will check out those books for sure.

toypup-- I could not help LOL about your story that "DS wanted a
toy, but
instead of asking me for a toy, he asked me which one I wanted". They
sure learn quickly!

Again, I found this forum is way useful than my googling the internet
aimlessly.

Best wishes to all,

Alice