teenager breaking curfew

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article
,
Beliavsky says...

On Mar 10, 9:53=A0am, enigma wrote:
Beliavsky wrote
innews:b40935f6-6381-4623-a306-8d8708c=

ps.com:

snip

What is this "punishment", exactly? =A0I'm curious how you'd
punish an 18-year-old.
What a terrible idea and word, "punishment" - it chafed me
to even type it.

An obvious punishment for not coming home on time on one
Friday night would be prohibition on any social outings for
say a week, just as one would punish unsafe driving by
taking away the car keys for some period of time. If the
rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to
become financially independent and move out.

=A0assuming the 18 year old was interested in "social outings",
i suppose.
what if she has a job? how do you ground her?

I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.

And if she doesn't? *Then* what.

I think the main point being - what's the *point* to have a curfew for
someone
as old as 18? One person postulated a houseful of very light sleepers (I
guess
they can't have anyone doing shift work either); others have postulated
the
worry - but cell phones exist.

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult like
that?

Banty


That was my point. I would restrict my 14-year-old, but wouldn't dream of
doing it to my 18-yr-old.

"Stephanie" wrote in message
...
Beliavsky wrote:
On Mar 10, 10:39 am, Banty wrote:

snip

what if she has a job? how do you ground her?

I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.

And if she doesn't? *Then* what.

She can live somewhere else. As I wrote in reply to deja.blues, "if
the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become
financially independent and move out."

I think the main point being - what's the *point* to have a curfew
for someone as old as 18? One person postulated a houseful of very
light sleepers (I guess they can't have anyone doing shift work
either); others have postulated the worry - but cell phones exist.

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult
like that?

To put it bluntly, there are still some parents in the U.S., and big
majorities in many countries around the world, who discourage their
children from having sex before they are married, and curfews are one
of the tools they use.



180 yos who are inclined to have sex despite their parents' convictions
cannot figure out to do that before 11:00pm?

Yea...when Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at 16, her mom said "But she never
missed curfew!" LOL.

In article , deja.blues says...


"Beliavsky" wrote in message
...
On Mar 10, 10:39 am, Banty wrote:

snip

what if she has a job? how do you ground her?

I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.

And if she doesn't? *Then* what.

She can live somewhere else. As I wrote in reply to deja.blues, "if
the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become
financially independent and move out."


So this means..... *any* rule is appropriate; if they 'chafe', they can move
out?

Banty

On Mar 10, 3:15*pm, Banty wrote:
In article ,
says...



On Mar 10, 7:39=EF=BF=BDam, Banty wrote:

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult like tha=
t?

Banty

It would never have occurred to me that you would *not* have a curfew
for a high school student. What's the big deal here?

--Helen

We dont' know if it's a high school student.

Shrug. You're the one who made the blanket statement that there
should be no curfews for 18 year olds. Presumably, you don't care
whether or not the student is in high school. That makes a difference
to some of us.

Barbara

On Mar 10, 12:32 pm, Beliavsky wrote:
On Mar 10, 10:39 am, Banty wrote:

snip

what if she has a job? how do you ground her?

I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.

And if she doesn't? *Then* what.

She can live somewhere else. As I wrote in reply to deja.blues, "if
the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become
financially independent and move out."

Oh lord, I think I am agreeing with Beliavsky.

The concept of a curfew is foreign to me (we never had one as teens),
but once I finished HS and was free to move out, I knew that I still
had to play by house rules if I decided to stay. I was 17 when I moved
away for college so the age issue is a moot point. Even if I was 25
and had moved back after college I would have been expected to abide
by house rules, although I would have expected some sort of discussion
about them. My older siblings lived at home into their 20s and had to
abide by them. Not that I'm sure what the 'punishment' would have been
other than some annoying arguments...if it's the choice of the adult
to stay living at home, it seems reasonable they'd abide by house
rules, otherwise move out. I guess the 'punishment' would be the young
adult has to move out.

The rules weren't unreasonable for the most part, mostly it meant
respecting each other - letting parents know when to expect them so
they didn't worry. Coming in at 3am might have been problematic,
although if it was discussed beforehand that would have been ok. My
parents do not believe in premarital sex, so having a boyfriend/
girlfriend over or staying out all night would not have been
acceptable to them (that was one house rule, although never really
spoken; and yes, sex can occur at any time of day, but there's also
the perception of them 'condoning' it if a member of the opposite sex
stays overnight). My opinion on this may differ, but I feel it's their
right to stick to it no matter what the age of the child and the adult
child to respect that.

We never had a curfew as teens or adults, but that's because the rule
was always the same - let them know when you expected to be home, and
make it on time or call.

I'm struggling with how one could reasonably 'punish' an adult, but I
think an offer of 'House Rules vs. Move out" is perfectly reasonable
and need not be as harsh as it sounds.

As for the 18 yo - if she's still in school, in my opinion she's
subject to the same rule as when she was 17.5. Once she's graduated
and free to move out and earn a living, then the expectations change,
even if the rule of expecting to be home by a certain time does not
change.

Now that I think of it, I never was 'punished' as a teen, even when I
got in at 3am one time...I had a severe tongue lashing, enough to know
never to do it again, but that was sufficient. And I never did it
again.

Stephanie wrote:
Beliavsky wrote:
On Mar 10, 10:39 am, Banty wrote:

snip

what if she has a job? how do you ground her?
I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.
And if she doesn't? *Then* what.
She can live somewhere else. As I wrote in reply to deja.blues, "if
the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become
financially independent and move out."

I think the main point being - what's the *point* to have a curfew
for someone as old as 18? One person postulated a houseful of very
light sleepers (I guess they can't have anyone doing shift work
either); others have postulated the worry - but cell phones exist.

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult
like that?
To put it bluntly, there are still some parents in the U.S., and big
majorities in many countries around the world, who discourage their
children from having sex before they are married, and curfews are one
of the tools they use.



180 yos who are inclined to have sex despite their parents' convictions
cannot figure out to do that before 11:00pm?

180 year olds? You know any?

;-)

Barbara wrote:

On Mar 10, 3:15*pm, Banty wrote:
In article ,
says...

On Mar 10, 7:39=EF=BF=BDam, Banty wrote:

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult like tha=
t?

Banty

It would never have occurred to me that you would *not* have a curfew
for a high school student. What's the big deal here?

--Helen

We dont' know if it's a high school student.

Shrug. You're the one who made the blanket statement that there
should be no curfews for 18 year olds. Presumably, you don't care
whether or not the student is in high school. That makes a difference
to some of us.

Barbara

When my son was 18 and in HS he was the 'closer' for a local pizza
restaurant. He was there by himself to shut up shop, and clean up for
the next day. He was basically an assistant manager. But he was
still in school. He got the job for himself and worked his way up to
almost the top. He was making pretty good money. I didn't have a
curfew for him IIRC. What would I have done if he didn't come home at
the time I set? I'd rather have him at home even if he did come in
late where I could still exert some influence on him so that he WOULD
graduate..

Later on, he went up to live with his friends family and was working
two jobs - one at a car wash during the day and stocking shelves at
night. His friends mother fed him (I think he paid her some money for
that) and woke him up so he got to his jobs on time. About all he did
was work, eat and sleep. Although he did take his friends' sister to
her senior prom. They both wore tuxedos.

Still later he and the friend moved to where the friend could go to
school to be an aircraft mechanic. He got various jobs and they had
an apartment together. Then he met his present wife, and moved in
with her. Eventually they got married. He was not yet 21.

Now I would really rather he not have gotten married so young, and
would have liked him to go to college. But what would having a curfew
when he was in HS done to help achieve those goals?

In article OIiBj.7152$hr3.1969@trnddc04, Jeff says...

Stephanie wrote:
Beliavsky wrote:
On Mar 10, 10:39 am, Banty wrote:

snip

what if she has a job? how do you ground her?
I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at
3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she
would be expected to come home directly after work during the
"grounding" period.
And if she doesn't? *Then* what.
She can live somewhere else. As I wrote in reply to deja.blues, "if
the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become
financially independent and move out."

I think the main point being - what's the *point* to have a curfew
for someone as old as 18? One person postulated a houseful of very
light sleepers (I guess they can't have anyone doing shift work
either); others have postulated the worry - but cell phones exist.

Why would one need such a measure of *control* over a young adult
like that?
To put it bluntly, there are still some parents in the U.S., and big
majorities in many countries around the world, who discourage their
children from having sex before they are married, and curfews are one
of the tools they use.



180 yos who are inclined to have sex despite their parents' convictions
cannot figure out to do that before 11:00pm?

180 year olds? You know any?

;-)

One word: Viagara ;-)

On Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:25:17 GMT, Nan wrote:

I don't get the whole "at 18 they shouldn't have a curfew" thought
process as a generalization.

I think curfew depends on the situation. An 18 or 19 year old who is
still in high school might need one at least on school nights, but I
also think that a senior in high school ought to be mature enough to
realize his or her own sleep needs.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

On Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:32:27 -0700 (PDT), Beliavsky
wrote:

My wife and I had a civil marriage about two weeks before the Hindu
ceremony, and her mother insisted that we not live together until the
religious ceremony. My wife, who was 28, did not complain -- those are
the rules of her religion, and she would not want to defy her mother
or lie to her.

My goodness, I didn't realize you had a Hindu wife. My dil is Hindu.
My ds and she had a very long engagement (her mother's way of trying
to break them up after sending her to India to find an Indian boy did
not work).


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits