Wife wants to work

Hi,

Both my wife and I are 29 years old. We have a 9 yr old son. My wife has
always been a stay at home Mum. I have always worked full time. Things were
a struggle financially when I was establishing myself in my career, but now
I earn enough so we are comfortable. My wife takes care of all the household
tasks, bill paying,childcare etc as she stays home.

She has now announced that she wants to go to work part time. I have no
problem with this. What I do have a problem with is her expectations of me
when she does return to work. She says as she will be working she wants me
to help out with dinner, bathtime laundry, picking up son from childminder
etc. I have told her that the last thing I want to be doing when I have been
at work all day is making dinner or getting our son ready for bed. I have
said that it is her choice to work, she has no need to work, so if she wants
the extra responsibility of a job as well that is her choice.

What can I do? My wife is getting really angry about this. She doesn't have
to work. I have enough to do without having to deal with the chores and kids
stuff too. She says eventually she will go full time and the chores with
have to be spilt 50/50. I think this is unfair especially as I will be
earning about 4 times her salary.

Please help.

On Tue, 20 Apr 2004 13:19:02 +0100, Jamie wrote:
( deleted _)

Please help.

Well, a less obvious troll would be a good start.

"user" wrote in message
...
On Tue, 20 Apr 2004 13:19:02 +0100, Jamie wrote:
( deleted _)

Please help.

Well, a less obvious troll would be a good start.

I am not a troll. Do you think I am a troll because my wife wants to work
even though I earn good money? Believe me, I wouldn't work if I didn't have
to so I have NO idea why she wants to work either.

"Jamie" wrote in message
...
Hi,

Both my wife and I are 29 years old. We have a 9 yr old son. My wife has
always been a stay at home Mum. I have always worked full time. Things
were
a struggle financially when I was establishing myself in my career, but
now
I earn enough so we are comfortable. My wife takes care of all the
household
tasks, bill paying,childcare etc as she stays home.

She has now announced that she wants to go to work part time. I have no
problem with this. What I do have a problem with is her expectations of me
when she does return to work. She says as she will be working she wants me
to help out with dinner, bathtime laundry, picking up son from childminder
etc. I have told her that the last thing I want to be doing when I have
been
at work all day is making dinner or getting our son ready for bed. I have
said that it is her choice to work, she has no need to work, so if she
wants
the extra responsibility of a job as well that is her choice.

What can I do? My wife is getting really angry about this. She doesn't
have
to work. I have enough to do without having to deal with the chores and
kids
stuff too. She says eventually she will go full time and the chores with
have to be spilt 50/50. I think this is unfair especially as I will be
earning about 4 times her salary.


You may not understand why she wants to work but the fact of the matter is
that she *does* want to work. You should try and support her in that
decision and not question why. I think you need to sit down and have a
discussion as to exactly what she would expect of you if she were to return
to work and exactly what you would be willing to do. I don't think it would
kill you to take on a few things around the house.

If you earn good money and she starts work and brings in a little extra
maybe you could hire a housekeeper to come in once or twice a week to take
care of the housework so no one has to worry about that. You could pick up
some take out a night or two a week to make things easier. I'm sure you
could come up with other things that could make your life easier if your
wife were to return to work. Maybe instead of think of picking your child up
from childminding and taking care of bath time as a chore you could think of
it as a bonding experience? Maybe the two of you (you and your child) could
stop and do something fun before heading home.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a nice long discussion
about things. Try not to turn it into an argument.

Nadene

"Plissken" wrote in message
news:ju9hc.175878$Pk3.127223@pd7tw1no...
You may not understand why she wants to work but the fact of the matter is
that she *does* want to work. You should try and support her in that
decision and not question why. I think you need to sit down and have a
discussion as to exactly what she would expect of you if she were to
return
to work and exactly what you would be willing to do. I don't think it
would
kill you to take on a few things around the house.

If you earn good money and she starts work and brings in a little extra
maybe you could hire a housekeeper to come in once or twice a week to take
care of the housework so no one has to worry about that. You could pick up
some take out a night or two a week to make things easier. I'm sure you
could come up with other things that could make your life easier if your
wife were to return to work. Maybe instead of think of picking your child
up
from childminding and taking care of bath time as a chore you could think
of
it as a bonding experience? Maybe the two of you (you and your child)
could
stop and do something fun before heading home.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a nice long discussion
about things. Try not to turn it into an argument.

I don't want to turn it into an argument, I really don't. The whole thing I
don't understand is that I can earn in 4 hours what she will be taking home
for 20 hours after she has paid out childcare, travel etc. If we really
needed the money that bad I would work those 4 extra hours, but we don't.

I also don't see the point in paying some housekeeper money, when my wife
doesn't need to work. Once we have paid the housekeeper, I doubt very much
there would be any of my wife's wages left. I don't see the point. She has
everything she needs and I try to give her everything she wants. Why is she
doing this?

My life will be harder, her life will be harder and our son will be left
with a childminder instead of being home with Mum. I don't think she is
being fair to either of us.

Hi -

I thnk it's an *excellent* idea for your wife to go back to work, even
though you earn plenty of money to support your family. Here are some
reasons why:

1. What will your family do if something happens to you? Suppose you
become ill, or have an accident, or just anything happens that
causes you to become a drain on the family finances rather than a
contributor? (Remember, insurance doesn't cover everything ...)
Your family will be far more secure if your wife is on track to
being able to provide for you all.
2. Your wife may wish to set a good example for your son. In most
homes these days, both parents contribute both financially and to
household tasks. And both parents do the parenting, too! If you,
as parents, fail to model this kind of behavior for your son, he may
have trouble when it comes time for him to start his own family.
3. Are your wife's mental health and sense of self worth important to
you? These may be driving her desire to work, and are very
important reasons.

Given the depth of your feelings and your wife's feelings, perhaps you
might benefit from some marriage counseling. You both have very
different views of what is important, it appears, and you need to air
these views and then come to some sort of an agreement that you both can
live with.

You may find that you actually LIKE to partcipate more with your
family. (Maybe you participate a lot already; I can't tell from your
post.)

Whatever happens, I hope you and your wife work things out successfully.

--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

Jamie wrote:

I also don't see the point in paying some housekeeper money, when my
wife doesn't need to work. Once we have paid the housekeeper, I doubt
very much there would be any of my wife's wages left. I don't see the
point. She has everything she needs and I try to give her everything
she wants. Why is she doing this?

If you are unwilling to share in the day to day home responsibilities then I
think a housekeeper and eating out or ordering in more is an excellent
solution if you can afford it. In essence you are willing to pay your wife
to be a housekeeper but not anyone else. That is fine if you wife wants to
be the housekeeper but if she wants to do something else, and you can pay to
have the house cleaned so she can do something else, why wouldn't you?

Working is about a lot more then money. It provides a person with adult
interactions, stimulates their mind in a way that is hard to do at home,
offers feelings of productiveness, and other things. Often times the wage
is just a side benefit but not the primary reason for working. There are
lots of people that work because they want to, not because they have to.

My life will be harder, her life will be harder and our son will be
left with a childminder instead of being home with Mum. I don't think
she is being fair to either of us.

Her reason for being is to make your lives easier. She is not only a mother
and wife but a person of her own as well. Many (not all) people find jobs
to be an excellent way to feel fulfilled as an adult individual in ways that
homemaking and motherhood can't. There might be other ways to fulfill that
as well but they will most certainly involve her *time* so the issue remains
the same (whose going to help with the home making tasks and the
childrearing).

Be careful not to make mountains out of mole hills just because you don't
want things to change. It can't really be that difficult to get a 9yo ready
for bed or stop on the way home from work to pick him up. It seems like a
small thing to do for your own child and a small thing to do to support your
wife.


--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (3)

"Jamie" wrote in message
...
She has now announced that she wants to go to work part time. I have no
problem with this. What I do have a problem with is her expectations of me
when she does return to work. She says as she will be working she wants me
to help out with dinner, bathtime laundry, picking up son from childminder
etc. I have told her that the last thing I want to be doing when I have
been
at work all day is making dinner or getting our son ready for bed. I have
said that it is her choice to work, she has no need to work, so if she
wants
the extra responsibility of a job as well that is her choice.

What can I do? My wife is getting really angry about this. She doesn't
have
to work. I have enough to do without having to deal with the chores and
kids
stuff too. She says eventually she will go full time and the chores with
have to be spilt 50/50. I think this is unfair especially as I will be
earning about 4 times her salary.

Money should not be the determining factor in how much chores you do or
whether your wife works. DH brings in a higher paycheck, but he still does
chores. Your wife needs to work for her own reasons, which you need to
respect. If you stayed home all day, perhaps you'd understand her better.
I know I need to work because I need the adult interaction and the job gives
me a sense of self (not everyone needs that, but I do) and to keep me in the
loop in case I do need to work in the future (and you never know if
something will happen to you or your job or your finances). I don't have to
work for the money. DH brings in enough for us. I want to work and I
wouldn't be a very good wife/mother if I didn't work. Glad I have a DH who
supports me.

Anyway, we hire a housekeeper to help out with the housecleaning. You might
do the same.

"Jamie" wrote in message
snip
My life will be harder, her life will be harder and our son will be left
with a childminder instead of being home with Mum. I don't think she is
being fair to either of us.

Have you considered what might be fair to your wife?

From your posts, this is all about the money to you. It is not about the
money to your wife. She's been at home for nine years, and that's grand, but
she wants to broaden her horizons and do what you did, which is work and
develop and make a name for herself in a social/professional sphere. From
what you have said, she is looking for fulfillment and respect, rather than
being what started as staying home with the baby but has eroded into
something akin to servitude.

May I gently suggest you ignore the money aspects and take a look at the
situation from her perspective? You do need to talk about this with her, and
the level of disagreement your posts reveal suggests to me that counselling
might help as well.

--
Marnie
--

On Tue, 20 Apr 2004 13:58:07 +0100, "Jamie"
wrote:
I am not a troll. Do you think I am a troll because my wife wants to work
even though I earn good money? Believe me, I wouldn't work if I didn't have
to so I have NO idea why she wants to work either.

Maybe because you treat her like a housekeeper and babysitter and
won't bother helping out when you're home from work? If she went to
work she'd be respected for what she did there.
It ain't about money here...
Marie