strict/rough relative - LONG

Long vent coming up...

Over the weekend we had Kaylie's dance recital so we had a few relatives
here for a few days. We all know how the stress levels can go waaaaay up
when you have mothers, mother in laws, etc all together. I dont know if it
was just me and being stressed or if I was justified in doing what I did but
you guys can let me know what you think.

Sat night Kaylie had to be at the high school early so my mom and my FIL's
wife-to-be stayed behind to come later. We took Kaylie and the baby with us,
they were going to bring Noah with them. Everything was fine, but I did
notice Noah was acting very quiet and clingy when they got there, which
isn't real typical of him. I was distracted though because I was working the
concession stand the whole time and running in and out to watch her dance.
We got home late so went right to bed.

The next day we were rushing around because she had another performace that
afternoon. My mom pulled me aside and told me that the night before my
father-in-law's fiancee' had been very rough with Noah and my mom was not
happy about it but didnt want to start anything so she hadn't mentioned it
to me right away. They were standing around talking and Noah was waiting for
them, standing at the tv watching Spongebob. All of a sudden she grabbed his
arm and pulled him so hard that he tripped forward and fell and said to him
"are you coming or are you going to stand there all night and watch tv?" I
guess he got tears in his eyes and said "im sorry, i didn't know we were
leaving right now" Then she did it again while they were walking in to the
school, grabbed him right by the arm and was dragging him in the door. My
mom did say he said "ouch, you're hurting me!" and she just told him to be
quiet, that he had to hold on to her in the parking lot.

I was NOT happy but I didnt say anything because I hadn't seen it. My mom is
actually friends with this woman (I tolerate her, but otherwise that's about
it) and she was suprised at her behavior.

Then as we were getting ready, I noticed Noah had some sticky stuff in his
hair. I think it was candy and you know how it can get all crusty and it
pulls when you try to brush it out. Well, I touched his hair and he jumped
away and didnt want me to brush it because it hurt. I said that was fine,
I'd give him a bath when we got back. Well, she grabbed him, put him in a
headlock and had the brush and started pulling it through his hair. He was
SCREAMING for her to stop, that it hurt and she said "hold still! I'm
getting this stuff out now" and I just pushed her and grabbed Noah and
yelled "dont you ever touch him again! You're hurting him!" and the whole
house got quiet and she looked shocked and said she would never hurt him on
purpose but I said, it sure looked like you were!!

Then, later on at the school as I was walking into the auditorium, I saw her
holding Xander by his ankles, over her shoulder calling him her "sack of
potatoes" and I had a fit. I told her not to hold him that way again. He was
bawling and was clearly not enjoying it.

So now there is this big riff and I dont know how to handle it. We're in
their wedding, in 2 weeks. I dont even want to be around her. What would you
guys do? Did I overreact because I dont feel like I did. Noah is not exactly
the kind of child you can tease, I know I mentioned it on here before how
sensitive he is, he's hurt so easily and now he's petrified to be around
her. sigh

Thanks for listening,

Kari
mom to Kaylie (8) Noah (5) and Xander (7 mos)

"Kari" wrote in message
. ..
Long vent coming up...

Over the weekend we had Kaylie's dance recital so we had a few relatives
here for a few days. We all know how the stress levels can go waaaaay up
when you have mothers, mother in laws, etc all together. I dont know if it
was just me and being stressed or if I was justified in doing what I did
but
you guys can let me know what you think.

Sat night Kaylie had to be at the high school early so my mom and my FIL's
wife-to-be stayed behind to come later. We took Kaylie and the baby with
us,
they were going to bring Noah with them. Everything was fine, but I did
notice Noah was acting very quiet and clingy when they got there, which
isn't real typical of him. I was distracted though because I was working
the
concession stand the whole time and running in and out to watch her dance.
We got home late so went right to bed.

The next day we were rushing around because she had another performace
that
afternoon. My mom pulled me aside and told me that the night before my
father-in-law's fiancee' had been very rough with Noah and my mom was not
happy about it but didnt want to start anything so she hadn't mentioned it
to me right away. They were standing around talking and Noah was waiting
for
them, standing at the tv watching Spongebob. All of a sudden she grabbed
his
arm and pulled him so hard that he tripped forward and fell and said to
him
"are you coming or are you going to stand there all night and watch tv?" I
guess he got tears in his eyes and said "im sorry, i didn't know we were
leaving right now" Then she did it again while they were walking in to the
school, grabbed him right by the arm and was dragging him in the door. My
mom did say he said "ouch, you're hurting me!" and she just told him to be
quiet, that he had to hold on to her in the parking lot.

I was NOT happy but I didnt say anything because I hadn't seen it. My mom
is
actually friends with this woman (I tolerate her, but otherwise that's
about
it) and she was suprised at her behavior.

Then as we were getting ready, I noticed Noah had some sticky stuff in his
hair. I think it was candy and you know how it can get all crusty and it
pulls when you try to brush it out. Well, I touched his hair and he jumped
away and didnt want me to brush it because it hurt. I said that was fine,
I'd give him a bath when we got back. Well, she grabbed him, put him in a
headlock and had the brush and started pulling it through his hair. He was
SCREAMING for her to stop, that it hurt and she said "hold still! I'm
getting this stuff out now" and I just pushed her and grabbed Noah and
yelled "dont you ever touch him again! You're hurting him!" and the whole
house got quiet and she looked shocked and said she would never hurt him
on
purpose but I said, it sure looked like you were!!

Then, later on at the school as I was walking into the auditorium, I saw
her
holding Xander by his ankles, over her shoulder calling him her "sack of
potatoes" and I had a fit. I told her not to hold him that way again. He
was
bawling and was clearly not enjoying it.

So now there is this big riff and I dont know how to handle it. We're in
their wedding, in 2 weeks. I dont even want to be around her. What would
you
guys do? Did I overreact because I dont feel like I did. Noah is not
exactly
the kind of child you can tease, I know I mentioned it on here before how
sensitive he is, he's hurt so easily and now he's petrified to be around
her. sigh

Thanks for listening,

Kari
mom to Kaylie (8) Noah (5) and Xander (7 mos)



1. You are not overreacting in the slightest IMO.
2. Who has the rift? FIL mad at you? Just FIL's fiance? You did right. It
does not have to affect yorur whole relationship unless the folks are
unreasonable. Apologize and kiss butt as much as possible while making it
clear that manhandling the children is not ok. She is not in tune to the
kids' points of view. It sounds like she is not seeing them. The sack of
potatoes thing could be fun for some kids. She was just not looking AT
Xander. So be as conciliatory as you can without giving the impression that
what she did was OK.
3. If Noah is petrified to be around her, try to arrange that he never has
to be around her without you. He is five years old, for pete's sake. I am
getting angry thinking about it now. What was she thinking?

Hi -

No, you're not overreacting. She was being (mildly) abusive to your
son.

You may want to (or have hubby) talk this over with your FIL. People
who are abusive to kids may also be abusive to spouses. Have your
husband or someone make SURE that there aren't signs of this in your
FIL's relationship already, and keep an eye out in case such a situation
does start to occur.

If it were me, I'd also NEVER leave my kids alone with this woman. I
would make sure to ALWAYS be present when she is, and actively making
sure that my kids were okay. (And I'd try not to be around her too much
in any case.)

You've got a tough situation, since maintaining peaceful family
relations is important too. But you've got to keep your kids safe as
well.

GOod luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

1. You are not overreacting in the slightest IMO.

Thanks


2. Who has the rift? FIL mad at you? Just FIL's fiance?

Well I think neither of them are happy with me. She didn't say goodbye when
they left, he just said "see you in 2 weeks" and that isn't how they usually
act to us.

.. The sack of
potatoes thing could be fun for some kids. She was just not looking AT
Xander. So be as conciliatory as you can without giving the impression
that
what she did was OK.

Yes, If he had been laughing it would have been one thing. I dont know how
she couldn't have know he was not happy.

3. If Noah is petrified to be around her, try to arrange that he never has
to be around her without you. He is five years old, for pete's sake. I am
getting angry thinking about it now. What was she thinking?

Exactly. I told Noah that I will (or his father) be with him all the time
around her. At least for the time being. I plan on talking to her about it
but Im just not sure it will sink in. You should see how she treats her
daughter (who's 13) She's scared to death of her own mother.

Kari

Kari wrote:

I saw her
holding Xander by his ankles, over her shoulder calling him her "sack of
potatoes"

Xander is 7 months old? Right?

Do NOT let this woman be alone with your children, EVER!

Poor Noah. You don't treat any child like that especially a sensitive one.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
http://ca.geocities.com/bironmonger/
Please excuse the quality. It is under construction and I am still
learning. :-)

"Oh please. Now you're the Usenet Savior. Spare me.
At any rate, I don't suspect you'll be able to maintain a nice facade
in any other groups for very long."
~ Nan in MKB

In article ,
"Kari" wrote:

Long vent coming up...

Over the weekend we had Kaylie's dance recital so we had a few relatives
here for a few days. We all know how the stress levels can go waaaaay up
when you have mothers, mother in laws, etc all together. I dont know if it
was just me and being stressed or if I was justified in doing what I did but
you guys can let me know what you think.

I don't think you overreacted.

The woman sounds like a lot of my dad's family -- that's how they treat
kids in general. They don't think of it as disrespectful, and would
deny it if you called it that -- but it is.

What I do is stay really, really close to my kids when those folks are
around. If they start to do something the kids don't like, I intervene
immediately and firmly, and just tell them that my kids don't like what
they're doing. At one point, a cousin of mine actually complained to
his mother about me -- and SHE complained to MY mother! (Who,
fortunately, sees things my way -- I was just kind of stunned to have a
man in his 30's whine to his mommy that his 33 yo cousin was being mean
to him....)

If she's anything like dad's family, there is no way you will ever get
her to understand that what she's doing isn't OK. All you can do is
stay close, smile a lot, and be almost apologetic -- gee, you're really
sorry, but your kids just don't like that kind of physical treatment.

Good luck. I would plan on not being able to leave your kids with her
for a very, very long time! Like, until they're 30 or so . . .

meh

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Kari" wrote in message
. ..
Long vent coming up...

snipped post on crazy woman

You didn't overreact. You acted (or reacted, I should say) perfectly
normal. She's the one that acted abnormally.

You have every God-given right to have and enforce your boundaries,
especially when it comes to your children.

Don't apologize. Be nice, be sweet, be as you usually are towards her. And
like others said, don't let the kids be around her without you or someone
there to protect them. I wouldn't care what the woman thought, it should be
(read should) be common knowledge that you don't treat children that way.
You don't owe any excuse or apology for protecting your children.

Take care,
Heather
DS, 8 years old

Xander is 7 months old? Right?

Right. She also has thrown him in the air and catch him. My husband has done
it too and I totally went through the roof. Believe me, I am NOT happy about
it at all.


Do NOT let this woman be alone with your children, EVER!

Thank you so much. It is so good to hear that Im not alone in my feelings!!

Kari

In article ,
"Kari" wrote:


Xander is 7 months old? Right?

Right. She also has thrown him in the air and catch him. My husband has done
it too and I totally went through the roof. Believe me, I am NOT happy about
it at all.

Why? Not trying to be a hard ass here, but if the baby enjoys it --
and most of the babies I've been around seem to really like it -- why is
it a problem? I've done it a LOT, as have many others I've known, and
I've never known a baby to get hurt. (Though I'll admit that when my 3
teenage brothers started playing "catch" with their youngest sibling,
Mom did insist that they had to be REALLY REALLY close together first!)




Do NOT let this woman be alone with your children, EVER!

Thank you so much. It is so good to hear that Im not alone in my feelings!!

Kari


--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Why? Not trying to be a hard ass here, but if the baby enjoys it --
and most of the babies I've been around seem to really like it -- why is
it a problem? I've done it a LOT, as have many others I've known, and
I've never known a baby to get hurt. (Though I'll admit that when my 3
teenage brothers started playing "catch" with their youngest sibling,
Mom did insist that they had to be REALLY REALLY close together first!)

Well, the baby doesn't really enjoy it as far as I can tell. He was crying
when she did it and he wasn't laughing or anything when my husband did it.
FWIW, he used to do it with Kaylie and she loved it and he knew I didnt like
it but I didnt stop him either. I'd look away because it made me nervous.
And, she was older, around 2ish I'd say.