FAQ - March 2005

KEWL!

'Kate wrote:
Yes.. I know I'm stepping on toes. Throw a rock at me. :-)
Contributors to this FAQ
------------------------
[Snip]

We would like this FAQ to reflect the views and experiences of the
people of alt.support.single-parents. This is our group, and we're
here to help each other. But remember, helping is not always shown by
AGREEING with everything everyone says.


If you have anything you'd like to contribute to this FAQ, please
post a follow up.

Thanks Kate - things not well with my dad, and I missed the first again.

Mea culpa.


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
Yes.. I know I'm stepping on toes. Throw a rock at me. :-)


Welcome newbies!


alt.support.single-parents
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) and Resource Guide
------------------------------*---------------------


Contents
---------


Introduction


Frequently asked questions
1. Are non-custodial parents welcome on this group?
2. How can I make time to care for my family while going to school
or working full time?
3. How can I feed my family nutritious meals on a limited budget?
4. What is a good way of dealing with the everyday stress of being
a single parent?
5. Is there life with teenagers or toddlers...they're one in the
same, right?
6. Why do I seem to be working to pay the babysitter, or how do I
reduce the high cost of day care?
7. How can I negotiate the public assistance system (food stamps,
AFDC and medical care) without getting lost in the shuffle?
8. How can I get my child to mind without feeling guilty?
9. How can I help my children cope with divorce?
10. Isn't this group called alt.SUPPORT.*? Why are people so darn
*mean* here
sometimes? Why doesn't everyone here love me?
11. How can I get the most bang for my buck from this group?
12. Just who, exactly, is welcome on this group?


Health and Medical References
Groups and Organizations for Single Parents
Web Sites for Parents
Recommended Reading
Other Newsgroups of Interest
Contributors to this FAQ


Introduction
------------


Welcome to alt.support.single-parents! This group was created to
address the unique problems that single parents face and to provide a
forum where single parents can support each other and help with
solutions to parenting problems. Single parenting can be a difficult
job at times, and single parents are often overworked, underpaid,
exhausted and generally very busy people, to say the least. This FAQ
will attempt to address a few issues of interest to single parents.
Hopefully it will grow as people add their ideas and comments (see
"Contributors to this FAQ").


It is understood that there are many people who have not been with us
very long, so here is just a brief summary of some commonly accepted
methods and observances. Practicing these will help to ensure your
acceptance and will promote a longer stay here with your fellow single
parents. And above all else, have fun! Our lives are tough enough as
it is. No need to make it any harder on ourselves!


Punctuation and Grammar are important. Just like in the real world,
first impressions are important. However, we cannot see you, so our
first impressions are made based on your posts. We'd like to hear your
ideas. However, if you want us to take your thoughts into
consideration, we need to be able to understand them, for example:


The following post is something that most would not bother to read:


PLESE HELP!
I tink tat my ex is an ass. I wants to move away buts h'es fighen me
in coart and makings it raelly hard for me and myh new loover.


If you have spell check, it is recommended that you turn it on.
Capital letters and end punctuation also help to make a post look neat
and easy to read.


Please snip your quotes. If someone posts a long message and you want
to respond to that message, don't quote the whole thing! Quote the
sentences that are relevant to the comments that you are going to
make. After reading someone's post, most people do not want to read it
again in its entirety when reading your reply.


However, remember to quote at least some of the message that you are
replying to. Most of the time, the reader does not remember the
message at the beginning of the thread if it was read three days ago.
If you choose to reply to this message without quoting it, the reader
is going to have no idea what you are talking about.


WebTV'ers, as well as AOL'ers, have a unique problem, it appears.
WebTV does not have an "Insert Original Message" option to click on,
necessitating that the user copy and paste from the message being
replied to. A WebTV-specific cut/copy/paste and "quoting text"
tutorial is found at:
http://www.geocities.com/~by20*00/cutcopypaste.html


Some just paste the relevant text and enclose it in angle brackets or
other marks, which is faster and works very well.


Don't post in HTML. This is not a binary newsgroup. Most of us cannot
see your pictures, and sometimes it even freezes up our systems. Also,
try not to type in CAPITAL LETTERS. This means that you are yelling.


WebTVers: Music and background pictures are lovely but take time to
download. Please be considerate of those who pay for internet access
by the minute and post only the text of your messages. Expect
complaints if you post more than just text.


Remember to attribute your quotes. Before you quote someone
(briefly), make sure to let us know whom you are quoting. It is good
to spell your names correctly. Yes, you are permitted to misspell
words (don't worry - it happens!),


Make your messages short and to the point. Many people would rather
read short posts than long, drawn-out messages with no point. Also,
remember to separate the message into paragraphs if you have a lot to
say. It is much easier to read, neater looking, and less likely to be
skipped over by another reader.


Please lurk for a while to get a feel for our newsgroup. This means
that you hang around for a little while before making your first post.
Lurking for an hour and then posting probably won't give you a good
feel for the group. But don't worry! You don't have to hide in the
darkness for a whole year before you say something. Usually, it is a
good idea to lurk for about two weeks before posting.


Coming in and insulting the other posters is not a good way to start
things off. Show us your intelligence and make a name for yourself by
using humor, knowledge, and kindness, and your days here will be a lot
more fun than if you make a name for yourself through hatred, control,
and rudeness.


This group is primarily about parenting. People whose main interest
is in starting a relationship with someone might have better luck in
one of the other newsgroups, for example the various singles,
personals or romance newsgroups. Those who are looking for ways to get
more money via Child Support are often pointed to a group specifically
for that purpose, because we have found that fighting can occur for
several months on minor little issues. We are here to help each other,
and learn from each other, even if we don't always like each other.


It also means we might disagree at times. Who here hasn't disagreed
in some way with their former spouse about a parenting issue? In order
to avoid long protracted, and usually senseless in-fighting, we
recommend (like any time one posts a Usenet article) that one stop,
think, count to ten and think again before replying. Especially if one
is angry or doesn't like the response they get, or see.


Also, since this *is* a support group for single parents, many
readers of this group prefer not using phrases that have a negative
connotation such as "illegitimate children" or "broken home." All
children are legitimate human beings, and many single parent
households work very well!


Note: this FAQ will be posted on the first day of each month.


Frequently Asked Questions
--------------------------


1. Are non-custodial parents welcome on this group?


Yes! If you are a parent and you are single, then you are
definitely a single parent and welcome on this group! Any insights
you have to offer on solutions to the problems of single parenting are
bound to help someone somewhere!


2. How can I make time to care for my family while going to school or
working full time?


Many single parents are very busy people, and finding time to fit
everything in can be a challenge. Work, school and family care are
the important things, and often other activities such as housekeeping
have to be assigned a lower priority. You don't need to be "super
mom" or "super dad". If the dirty dishes have to stay in the sink
overnight or the vacuuming or laundry or grocery shopping has to wait
until the weekend, don't worry about it. It helps to work out and
stick to a regular schedule.
Children, no matter how young, can be assigned simple tasks to help
out. You may need to lower your standards a little, but be sure you
never redo what your children have done. In this way small tasks get
accomplished, you develop a sense of accomplishment in your children
and increase their self-esteem (while decreasing the overall burden
for yourself). Be sure the tasks you assign them are age appropriate
and that you teach them how to do the task before making it
their permanent job. Keep organized by making lists of things that
need to be done. Post a list of grocery items on the fridge...have
everyone add to it as the week progresses. To avoid making multiple
trips, try to run as many errands as possible each time you go out.


3. How can I feed my family nutritious meals on a limited budget?


Some single parent families have tighter budgets than other
families, but nutrition doesn't have to suffer. In fact, some of the
most nutritious foods like fruits, vegetables, beans and grains (the
foods at the bottom of the "food pyramid") are among the cheapest.
Frozen dinners can be nutritious if you shop carefully, but they tend
to be relatively expensive. "Fast food" should be avoided because of
high cost and poor nutritional value. Investigate possible
alternatives to "regular" grocery shopping such as co-ops, food share,
food banks, public assistance, etc. And don't forget to feed
yourself! Your kids are important, but remember that you need to eat
to maintain your health and energy level so you can be there for them!

SHARE is a good resource for inexpensive food. Either $13 or $14
plus two hours of volunteerism (*very* broadly defined) you get a
share package worth approximately $30. There is no needs test-
everyone is welcome, and you may acquire as many shares as you think
you can use in a month. They do take food stamps. For more
information and a list of sites near you, call 1-800-499-2506.

The American Red Cross WIC program provides vouchers for certain
important protein type foods to help alleviate the threat of low
hematocrit in children. Assistance is based on all children under the
age of five in the family.

Many churches will have food programs as well. One recommendation
is to check with your local Salvation Army or United Way for various
avenues to explore.


4. What is a good way of dealing with the everyday stress of being a
single parent?


The best things you can do to deal with stress are to eat healthy,
balanced meals (esp. lots of fruits, vegetables and complex
carbohydrates), exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep and avoid
alcohol and caffeine as much as possible. Try exercising with your
kids, like playing or running with them outside, skating, bicycling,
going for walks, etc. This way you can get some exercise and spend
time with your family.

5. Is there life with teenagers or toddlers...they're one and the
same, right?

Children of all ages demand a great deal of attention from their
parents. If you're a single parent, you're the one who has to provide
for their needs, and this can be difficult with everyone else
demanding attention also...work, school, ex's, bills, your child's
school, etc. You still need to have a life of your own, however.
Plan relaxation time after the kids go to bed, or rise 30 minutes
before they do and enjoy a cup of coffee by yourself before the rush
of the day starts. Don't be afraid to take some time for yourself now
and then!

6. Why do I seem to be working to pay the babysitter, or how do I
reduce the high cost of day care?


If at all possible, try to work with other parents on childcare
issues. Many parents, whether single or married, are very busy and may
be willing to help each other with childcare. Talk to people and be
creative! Babysitting co-ops are flourishing everywhere these
days...they work on a barter system. We used poker chips as "payment"
-- one chip for each hour. The more you watch someone
else's kids the more chips you accumulate. I watched kids on the
weekends and one evening a week. It gave my kids something to do and
I earned chips to use while I worked or attended class. Another
possibility might be to trade other skills you may have (auto repairs,
computers, etc.) for babysitting services.


7. How can I negotiate the public assistance system (food stamps, AFDC
and medical care) without getting lost in the shuffle?

Look, you're not a "bad parent" if you need help making ends meet.
When you apply for any type of public assistance remember to have
*every* possible document they ask for with you at the time. Call the
local office and ask for a list of documentation they need. Plan to
spend most of the morning at the office. Even if your appointment is
for 9 AM, the case worker probably won't get to you until 10 and the
interviews can take as long as an hour. Once you jump through their
hoops you'll be expected to show up for a case review every six
months. You will probably have a new caseworker each time also. Most
of all, be patient...it's only temporary and the help you can receive
will reduce your financial stress levels by half!


8. How can I get my child to mind without feeling guilty?


Single parents sometimes succumb to the urge to be "friends" with
their children or worry that they are being too harsh with them. The
important thing to keep in mind is that *you* are the parent and the
authority figure in their lives. Discipline must be consistent for
your child and for your own well being. Younger children don't need
"reasons" behind your rules, but you may want to sit down with older
children (school age) and make a list of "house rules" and
consequences for the entire family...this means you too. Don't
forget everyone's chores. Also include a "reward" for the member who
follows all the rules each day (for young children...under age 7 or 8)
or week (for older children). Your children will have many friends in
their lives, but you have to be their parent, especially now when they
are adjusting to their lifestyle.


9. How can I help my children cope with divorce?


Divorce can be hard on adults, but it can also be devastating for
children. Some ideas for helping children cope with divorce:


- If possible, help your children maintain a stable, loving
relationship with *both* parents.


- Establish regular, dependable visiting patterns with the
non-custodial parent.


- It does help the children if you maintain a healthy and
positive outlook on life. Living in the past and holding resentments
are not the best for your children (not to mention the toll it takes
on you!).


- The children need to know that they are loved by *both*
parents, and it helps to frequently reassure them of this.


- Never try to make your children take sides, and never try to
use your children to hurt your ex-spouse.


10. Isn't this group called alt.SUPPORT.*? Why are people so darn
*mean* here sometimes? Why doesn't everyone here love me?


We are people who have nothing in common for the most part...
except for one of the most challenging jobs there is. What brings us
to the same group is one item out of a multitude of possibilities.
Only one. That isn't always going to be conducive to us all sharing,
and us all playing well with theirs, all of the time. We have found
"support" on the web is most often a misnomer.


Solution? Take what applies, and leave the rest behind. Participate
if you like, but not everyone is going to love you. Remember, this is
the 'net, not group therapy. Will you, or anyone, really be affected
tomorrow, or in 5 years?

Best advice we can give you? "Don't take the 'net so darn
seriously!"


11. How can I get the most bang for my buck from this group?


You get what you put into things. If one doesn't participate, but
just sits there and reads, they're probably not going to stick around.
It's too bad really, because there's a *lot* of good info, and
feedback, available here. Sometimes people aren't *looking* for
feedback, they're looking for someone to cosign their BS, and there
can be a tad of a rumble. But if you're looking for a place to use,
contribute, share, and receive info on single parenting, there
aren't many better places.


Most of the whining about demon-exes, child support, ad nauseum
gets squished pretty quickly, and what we end up with are mostly
supportive people sharing their experiences, and needs.


12. Just who, exactly, is welcome on this group?


If you are a parent and you are single, have experience as a single
parent, or the intricacies of being a custodial or non-custodial
parent, then you have an understanding of the complexities of being a
single parent and are welcome on this group! Any insights you have to
offer on solutions to the problems of single parenting are bound to
help someone somewhere!


Health and Medical References
-----------------------------


"The AMA Family Medical Guide" (Random House) has information on
symptoms and risks of various illnesses and injuries (and self help if
any), prescription drugs, self diagnosis symptom charts and a wealth
of medical information.


"Gray's Anatomy" (Running Press) has detailed illustrations and
descriptions of the various body systems (skeletal, muscular, nervous,
vascular, digestive, etc.).


"The Physician's Desk Reference" is a comprehensive resource that
describes the purpose and side effects of many prescription drugs.


"The Complete Book of Food Counts" by Corinne T. Netzer is a list of
over 12,000 foods, showing calories, carbohydrates, protein,
cholesterol, sodium, fat and fiber for each item.


"Smart Exercise" by Covert Bailey has some very good information on
aerobic and anaerobic exercise, diet, metabolism and related topics.


Groups and Organizations for Single Parents
------------------------------*-------------


Parents Without Partners
National. 500+ chapters. Founded 1957.
Educational organization of single parents (either divorced,
separated, widowed or never married). Newsletter. Online chat room.
Single parent magazine, chapter development guidelines. Membership
dues $20-40.
WRITE:
PWP
1650 S. Dixie Highway, Suite 510
Boca Raton, FL 33432
CALL: 1-800-637-7974
(561)391-8833
FAX: (561)395-8557
E-MAIL:
WEBSITE: http://www.parentswithoutpartn*ers.org


Big Brothers/Big Sisters
(check your phone book for the number in your area)


National Congress for Fathers and Children
9454 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills CA 90212
1-800-SEE-DADS
URL: http://www.ncfc.net/


Single Mothers by Choice
P.O. Box 1642
New York, NY 10028
(212) 988-0993
URL:


National Organization of Single Mothers
National. 3 affiliated groups. Founded 1991.
Networking system serving single mothers. Provides information and
referrals to single mothers. Dues $19. Assistance in starting new
groups.
WRITE:
NOSM
P.O. Box 68
Midland, NC 28107
CALL: (704)888-KIDS
FAX: (704)888-1752
E-MAIL:
WEBSITE: http://www.singlemothers.org


Single Mothers By Choice
National. 20 chapters. Founded 1981.
Support and information to mature, single women who have chosen, or
who are considering, single motherhood. Services include "Thinkers"
workshops, quarterly newsletter, and membership. For a brochure and
list of back issues of newsletter
WRITE:
SMC
P.O. Box 1642 Gracie Square Station
New York, NY 10028
CALL: (212)988-0993


National Organization of Single Mothers
Publisher of Single MOTHER Magazine
P.O. Box 68
Midland, NC 28107-0068
(704) 888-KIDS


Phoenix Single Parents Association
http://www.singleparents.org


Single Parent Resource Center
International. 7 affiliated groups. Founded 1975.
Network of single parent self-help groups. Information and referral,
seminars, consultation, resource library. Separate group for men and
coed groups. Working on groups for homeless single parents and mothers
coming out of prison.
Newsletter. Guidelines and materials for starting parenting and teen
groups.
WRITE:
Single Parent Resource Center
31 E. 28th St.
New York, NY 10016
CALL: (212)951-7030
FAX: (212)951-7037
E-MAIL:


Rainbows Peer Support Group
1111 Tower Road Schaumburg, IL 60173
(847) 310-1880 Fax: (847) 310-0120
TOLL-FREE: 1-800-266-3206
URL: http://www.rainbows.org/


G I N G E R B R E A D: The charitable organization for all single
parents and
their children.
7 Sovereign Close,
Sovereign Court,
London E1W 3HW.
Tel: 020 7488 9300
Fax: 020 7488 9333
Advice Line... 0800 018 4318. Open Monday through Friday 10am to 4pm
Advice Email: .
Fax...0171 336 8185
E-mail:
URL: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/


Web Sites for Parents
---------------------
Resourse for Single Mothers
http://www.singlerose.com


The online resource for single parent families
http://www.singleparentcentral*.com


The Single Parent Network
www.makinglemonade.com


The Divorce Homepage
http://www.divorcesupport.com/


Fathers' Rights and Equality Exchange (F.R.E.E.)
http://dadsrights.org/


ParentsPlace
http://www.parentsplace.com/


Parents Without Partners
http://www.parentswithoutpartn*ers.org


Welcome to Parent Soup!
http://www.parentsoup.com/


Widowed Young
A discussion group for people who are (or who have been) widowed
under the age of about 45. (This is not a rigid limit.)
http://www.topica.com/lists/wi*dowed_young


Safely Surfing the Internet: Guidelines for Parents and Children
http://www.safekids.com/child_*safety.htm#Guidelines
and you might just wish to peruse the whole link:
http://www.safekids.com


Low and no cost childrens health insurance program in the US:
http://www.insurekidsnow.gov/


US State Medicaid Toll-Free Lines
http://www.hcfa.gov/medicaid/o*bs5.htm


Free prescription drugs program
http://www.sunflower.org/~cfsd*ays/freedrug/htm


(US) Student Financial aid
http://www.fafsa.ed.gov


US income tax forms and info
http://www.irs.gov


Know that everything you say on usenet is archived at google and so
you should watch WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!!!
http://www.google.com/advanced*_group_search?hl=en


For people who feel abused online
http://www.haltabuse.org


For child support, custody, and divorce help
http://www.findlaw.com


This is a place that gives free help with budgeting
http://www.crown.org/tools/bud*getguide.asp
http://www.crown.org


Recommended Reading
-------------------
"You Are Your Child's First Teacher"
by Rahima Baldwin-Dancy
ISBN: 0890879672
Format: Paperback, 384pp
Pub. Date: May 2000


Publisher: Ten Speed Press
Edition Description: REVISED
Barnes & Noble Sales Rank: 26,212


"The Omnipotent Child" (out of print)
http://www.omnipotentchild.com*/child-rearing_books.htm)
ISBN: 096932717x
Publisher: Palmer Press


"Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems"
Author: Richard Ferber,MD
ISBN: 0671620991 (ER163)
Format: Paperback


"Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the
Mall? : a Parent's Guide to the New Teenager."
Author: WOLF, ANTHONY E.
Publisher: Farrar Straus & Giroux; (August 1, 2002)
ISBN: 0374528535


"I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors"
by Aphrodite Matsakis
ISBN: 157224058X
Publisher: New Harbinger Pubs (2nd Edition)


"Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families"
by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
ISBN: 0316109967
Publisher: Little, Brown & Company
Pub. Date: September 1988
Recommend Age Range: 5 to 8


"How to Make Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours"
by Dr. Kevin Lehman
ISBN: 0800757319
Publisher: Revell, Fleming H. Company\
Pub. Date: September 2000
Edition Desc: 2ND


Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid without Losing Your Mind
Michael J. Bradley Foreword by Carroll O'Connor
ISBN: 0936197439
Publisher: Harbor Press, Inc. (Gig Harbor WA)
Pub. Date: September 2001
Recommend Age Range: 5


"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" Faber,
Adele and Mazlish, Elaine
ISBN: 0380811960
Publisher: Morrow,William & Co
Pub. Date: July 1999


"Managing And Understanding Parental Anger"
by Harriet and I.J. Barrish
ISBN: 0933701411
Publisher: Westport Publishers
Pub. Date: April 1991
Edition Desc: REV


"Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Shared Custody Work" by Isolina
Ricci, Ph.D
ISBN: 0684830787
Publisher: Simon & Schuster Trade Paperbacks
Pub. Date: October 1997


Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's?: Parenting Together while
Living Apart
Marc J. Ackerman
ISBN: 0471130486
Publisher: Wiley, John & Sons, Incorporated
Pub. Date: October 1996


"Operating Instructions"
by Anne Lamott
ISBN: 044990928X
Publisher: Random House, Incorporated
Pub. Date: April 1994
Edition Desc: REPRINT


"Positive Discipline for Single Parents"
by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin and Carol Delzer
ISBN: 0761520112
Publisher: Prima Communications, Inc.
Pub. Date: July 1999
Edition Desc: 2ND, REVISED


"Redirecting Children's Behavior, Discipline That Builds Self Esteem"
by Kathryn J. Kvols
ISBN: 1884734308
Publisher: Parenting Pr., Inc.
Pub. Date: November 1997
Edition Desc: Revised


"Siblings Without Rivalry"
Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine
ISBN: 0380799006
Publisher: Morrow,William & Co
Pub. Date: January 1998


"Single Mothers by Choice"
by Jane Mattes
ISBN: 0812922468
Publisher: Random House, Incorporated
Pub. Date: April 1997
Edition Desc: 1st ed


"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"
and....
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families"
by Covey, Stephen
ISBN: 0307440850
Publisher: St. Martin's Press, Inc.
Pub. Date: September 1998


The Complete Idiot's Guide to Single Parenting
Sara Dulaney Gilbert
ISBN: 0028624092
Publisher: Hungry Minds, Incorporated
Pub. Date: April 1998


The Single Mother's Survival Guide
Patrice Karst
ISBN: 1580910637
Publisher: Crossing Press, Inc., The
Pub. Date: March 2000


The Ultimate Survival Guide for the Single Father
Thomas Hoerner Patrick David (Illustrator
ISBN: 0967473640
Publisher: Harbinger Press
Pub. Date: May 2002


The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most
Challenging Concerns
Andrea Engber Leah Lungness
ISBN: 1580623026
Publisher: Adams Media Corporation
Pub. Date: February 2000
Edition Desc: 2ND


Magazine: "Going Bonkers?"
(covers stress, weight loss, parenting, sexuality, self esteem, etc.)
$9/year ($15 for two years), published quarterly.
For information, write to: Going Bonkers
P.O. Box 189
Palm Beach, FL 33480
or call 1-800-403-8850 (in Florida 407/659-0975)


Other Newsgroups of Interest
----------------------------


misc.kids
alt.parents-teens
alt.parenting.solutions
alt.support.divorce
alt.support.step-parents
alt.child-support
alt.dads-rights


Contributors to this FAQ
------------------------


We would like this FAQ to reflect the views and experiences of the
people of alt.support.single-parents. This is our group, and we're
here to help each other. But remember, helping is not always shown by
AGREEING with everything everyone says.


If you have anything you'd like to contribute to this FAQ, please
post a follow up.