Driving in the car with Grandma

On Sat, 12 Jul 2008 01:49:33 -0600, "Michelle J. Haines"
wrote:

Tai wrote:

And that would be more important than her safety and anyone else's she
might encounter while driving? You are a paramedic?

I'm an EMT, I'll be a paramedic next year.

I could see it being a very difficult conversation and tact would be
necessary plus she might not listen to you, anyway, but don't you think
that family members and friends have some responsibility in helping
people realise it may be time to hang up their car keys?

Why don't you call whatever your driver licensing authorities are and
tell them you grandmother may need to be tested?

My grandmother and I don't live even remotely close to each other, she
occasionally visits every year or two. That adds complications.

Any chance other family members live closer and can do something about
it? Imo, you have a responsibility to try something to get your
grandma off the road since you know firsthand that she's an unsafe
driver.

Nan

Nan wrote:

Any chance other family members live closer and can do something about
it? Imo, you have a responsibility to try something to get your
grandma off the road since you know firsthand that she's an unsafe
driver.

No, my mother and sister are even further away, and my brother further
than that. However, I've discussed this repeatedly with my mother, who
basically tells me I'm full of crap and there's nothing to worry about.
It's possible when she's at home or with my mother, both places she is
more familiar with, she's not nearly as confused.

Michelle
Flutist

In article , Michelle J. Haines says...

Nan wrote:

Any chance other family members live closer and can do something about
it? Imo, you have a responsibility to try something to get your
grandma off the road since you know firsthand that she's an unsafe
driver.

No, my mother and sister are even further away, and my brother further
than that. However, I've discussed this repeatedly with my mother, who
basically tells me I'm full of crap and there's nothing to worry about.
It's possible when she's at home or with my mother, both places she is
more familiar with, she's not nearly as confused.


Yeah. And what does one do? Go over to her house and steal the keys? Then
there'd be an outcry about her dignity and independance.

Thankfully, when my Mom got to that stage she wanted to move back close to my
brother to an assisted living facility. We made the excuse that it was strange
and dangerous out there (she was getting senile) and that she didn't need to
drive anyway.

People say "go and do something", but for someone who is aging in place and
cherishes their independance, what do you tell them? IMO it's a good matter for
yearly driver's license testing past a certain age - the same "indignity" we
subject those under 20 to.

Here's an interesting article with a lot of comments about exactly this:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2...-conversation/

Banty

"Michelle J. Haines" wrote:

Nan wrote:

Any chance other family members live closer and can do something about
it? Imo, you have a responsibility to try something to get your
grandma off the road since you know firsthand that she's an unsafe
driver.

No, my mother and sister are even further away, and my brother further
than that. However, I've discussed this repeatedly with my mother, who
basically tells me I'm full of crap and there's nothing to worry about.
It's possible when she's at home or with my mother, both places she is
more familiar with, she's not nearly as confused.

My mother was driving up to the time she turned 96 and at that time
she had been driving for 82 years. She was also living on her own.

Sometimes I could drive with her and sometimes it was harder - more
because I am a nervous passenger than because she didn't drive well.
She also did very much better in areas that she was familiar with. But
basically, so do I. I would never want her to drive in an unfamiliar
place. She no longer traveled long distances by herself, and I think
she restricted her driving at night. She went to the store, the bank
and to meetings.

So it isn't inevitable that an older person can't drive and I don't
think it is fair to say that because someone gets confused in an
unfamiliar place that they therefore shouldn't be driving. My younger
sister gets confused in unfamiliar places, too, but she's been like
that since she was much younger - before she got to be a grandmother.
Some people are just not good drivers, and it doesn't have anything to
do with their age.

..

On Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:03:43 -0600, "Michelle J. Haines"
wrote:

Nan wrote:

Any chance other family members live closer and can do something about
it? Imo, you have a responsibility to try something to get your
grandma off the road since you know firsthand that she's an unsafe
driver.

No, my mother and sister are even further away, and my brother further
than that. However, I've discussed this repeatedly with my mother, who
basically tells me I'm full of crap and there's nothing to worry about.
It's possible when she's at home or with my mother, both places she is
more familiar with, she's not nearly as confused.

You may be right. Heck, *I* get confused when driving in places I'm
not completely familiar with.

Nan

On 12 Jul 2008 15:03:10 -0700, Banty wrote:


Yeah. And what does one do? Go over to her house and steal the keys?

My dad didn't need to steal them. He told grandma he was taking them
and she had to accept it. She'd caused one accident by hitting the
house behind her garage as she was backing out... tore the gas meter
off the house and caused a major gas leak.

Then
there'd be an outcry about her dignity and independance.

Luckily my grandma enjoyed walking and lived close enough to the
stores she wanted to shop at.

Thankfully, when my Mom got to that stage she wanted to move back close to my
brother to an assisted living facility. We made the excuse that it was strange
and dangerous out there (she was getting senile) and that she didn't need to
drive anyway.

People say "go and do something", but for someone who is aging in place and
cherishes their independance, what do you tell them? IMO it's a good matter for
yearly driver's license testing past a certain age - the same "indignity" we
subject those under 20 to.

Here's an interesting article with a lot of comments about exactly this:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2...-conversation/

Banty

Interesting article.

Nan

Rosalie B. wrote:

So it isn't inevitable that an older person can't drive and I don't
think it is fair to say that because someone gets confused in an
unfamiliar place that they therefore shouldn't be driving. My younger
sister gets confused in unfamiliar places, too, but she's been like
that since she was much younger - before she got to be a grandmother.
Some people are just not good drivers, and it doesn't have anything to
do with their age.

Well, I'm not going to take the time to sit and detail all of the
specific problems we've seen in my grandmother. But it included when we
lived up on a farmhouse (the only house in the area for several miles).
We were showing her the property, and walked around the house from the
front to the back. As we were walking up the back road, she stopped and
said "Where are we? Who's house is that? Who's kids are those that I'm
hearing? Are those your's?"

I'm not jumping at shadows, Rosalie, even my husband sees significant
degrading of her previously sharp mental processes in the last 5 years.

Michelle
Flutist

"Michelle J. Haines" wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:

So it isn't inevitable that an older person can't drive and I don't
think it is fair to say that because someone gets confused in an
unfamiliar place that they therefore shouldn't be driving. My younger
sister gets confused in unfamiliar places, too, but she's been like
that since she was much younger - before she got to be a grandmother.
Some people are just not good drivers, and it doesn't have anything to
do with their age.

Well, I'm not going to take the time to sit and detail all of the
specific problems we've seen in my grandmother. But it included when we
lived up on a farmhouse (the only house in the area for several miles).
We were showing her the property, and walked around the house from the
front to the back. As we were walking up the back road, she stopped and
said "Where are we? Who's house is that? Who's kids are those that I'm
hearing? Are those your's?"

I'm not jumping at shadows, Rosalie, even my husband sees significant
degrading of her previously sharp mental processes in the last 5 years.

OK - that sounds like significant mental deterioration. I am coming
from the perspective of having a mother who was sharp and active up to
almost the end, and who (as someone has said) valued her independence.
It made her furious that doctors etc would talk to her companion as if
she was deaf (which she was not) or non compos mentis. My sister felt
that it was the abrasions of life which was keeping her alive.

She always told me that she did not want to go into a nursing home.
When she was 96, she had significant health and breathing problems
which landed her in the hospital ICU several times. After that she
really could not live at home by herself anymore even with full time
practical nursing help. We felt that we had to put her into a nursing
home where she died basically within two days. I think this was
partly because she didn't see any point in living in a nursing home,
and partly because the nursing home did not know how to supply her
with oxygen that she needed to stay alive without struggling to
breathe. Her doctor was very upset (I mean more than would have been
expected) because he expected her to live a good while more. [Not
that I was not also, but he was quite indignant.]