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Gag of the Week....



 
 
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  #31  
Old April 4th 07, 11:21 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

'Kate wrote:


Ubuntu Edgy (v. 6.10) on #1 son's recommendation and it's working well.


#1 Son has grown up to be very wise man...



The kind with the paycheck that says that 7 years of school was worth
it... I hope! Ok, so sure, it took 5 full time and 5 part time years to do
the 7 but hey... that's 'cause I have three kids. I call that
"Life Experience".


You do understand there are people who are really proud of your achievements
dont you?

(Enuf o that... I swear I'm filling up here ;-) )


Damn. I wish I had thought of that. Now I have to google chinchilla
sheers.


dont shear 'em ... skin 'em ... (make a casserole at the same time)


I wasn't thrilled with Grisham after the first few books. Too formulaic.


Yeah I know what you mean. I *loved* the first couple I read ...

and now? not so much


We just finished cooking veggie fried rice for 50. #1 son has a fundraiser
at the college tomorrow.


mmmmm veggie fried rice and fresh chinchilla burgers ... mmmmm


Monday's my late work night... 7:30 am to 8:30
pm. It's nearly midnight and I have to get up by 5:30 but I'm... tired but
maybe overtired? I could use a back rub. These are the times when I miss
having a spouse. 'Cause... you know, rumour has it that some
spouses help.


really? ... I have no experience of that rumour ;-)

Be kind to yourself ... have a holiday or summat


--
Zorro

This space to let ...


  #32  
Old April 5th 07, 12:01 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

'Kate wrote:



Hey. Can you do me a favor? Or.. a favour. :-) What's my ICQ number?


YHM

--
Zorro

This space to let ...


  #33  
Old April 6th 07, 02:11 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she
took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the
most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories
is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."


--
Zorro

This space to let ...


  #34  
Old April 16th 07, 04:18 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one
day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three
days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more
severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of
laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny
leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"



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  #35  
Old April 17th 07, 09:41 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

"'Kate" wrote ...

8


[...] the joke's funny too but... what was that teacher doing using a snake
to
hold up her hose?

Bada bum.


;-)

you be Dean ... I'll be Jerry

z


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  #36  
Old April 27th 07, 05:50 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

***An OLDIE .... But Good ***


Mens Rules

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be
opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked
before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.


--

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  #37  
Old May 2nd 07, 01:01 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

(I dont believe a word of it ... but funny stuff)



The following questions and answers were collected from last
year's GCSE exam results in Swindon. These are genuine responses!! (from 16
year olds)!



Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.
abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels,
A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look
like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head



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  #38  
Old May 3rd 07, 02:27 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 52
Default Gag of the Week...

"'Kate" wrote ...


they're too funny to be real.


Absolutely ... even the first one gave it away ...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Even I know the right answer to that one

Bob Gaudio
Tommy DeVito
Gerry Polci
Joe Long

Frankie Valli's Backing group ... right?


huh?


wha?

/sniff/

I'd best move to Swindon then ... ;-)

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