Need some advice...sibling behaviors

These are not huge problems but just little things that are making some days
seem very long, Lol.

They each think they should be the last one to do xyz. Could be closing the
door, letting the dog out, putting the cup away...anything. They fight and
argue, cry and tantrum, and keep trying to be the last one to do it until
there is a brawl or I fear something will be damaged. I won't allow the
brawl to go to far because Luke will bite and I'm desperately trying to
extinguish that behavior. I've never seen this interaction end positively
with or without my participation. Reasoning and offering alternatives or
distractions doesn't seem to be working. Any suggestions.

Luke will do some dumb 2yo thing and I'll redirect or tell him not to. No
problem he generally accepts that. But then up Hunter shoots (with a smile
only an annoying 4yo can manage ;-) to go do the exact same thing - often
more then once. I snapped and had a mother tantrum tonight which I know is
not the answer. I'm having a heck of a time getting Hunter to behave
properly lately but this just takes the cake. Any suggestions here?

Thank you bunches!

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Mary Gordon wrote:
You want advice....well, as mom of three, I'd say...get used to it!!

HA - that is what I was afraid I was going to hear :-) I hate to say it but
I actually remember my brother and I being the same way (we are 12 months
apart). My poor mother!

There are things you can do to reduce it. Standard tips include
1 Focus on Each Child's Individual Needs
2 Give Each Child Special Time with You
At least once a week, plan a special date with each child.

I used to do this regularly but in the last month it has been hectic.
Hunter and I really need this again. Luke and I get it quite a bit.

3 Don't Compare Kids
4 Be Aware of Favoritism
5 Respect Each Child's Space

Getting their own rooms really helped this and Hunter has a desk now which
he thinks is the cats meow and Luke is not allowed to play in it unless
Hunter invites him too. It has MARKERS. Luke and markers need
lots of supervision! ;-)

There are also some good books out there such as Siblings Without
Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish

Great tips - Thank You. Good book and I did read it when I was pg with Luke
but I think I'll read it again now, when I have actual experiences to relate
it to. I'm also glad to hear that it isn't necessarily my poor parenting
abilities, that it is somewhat normal. Half my frustration is with myself
thinking I should be doing something but don't know how/what to do.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

x-no-archive:yes
(Mary Gordon) wrote:

Very good advice.

Just a note on equaling portions. With two you can say - you divide
it up and your sibling gets first choice of the pieces.

You want advice....well, as mom of three, I'd say...get used to it!!

My personal theory is that sibling rivalry comes wired in - a survival
thing built into kids back at the dawn of humanity where the
scrappiest kid who got the most attention, the most food, the best
sleeping spot was the child who survived when there was scarcity.

Its kind of dysfunctional in the modern world in western countries
with an embarrassment of resources, but I'm not sure they can help the
impulse. Our kids (12, 9 and 5) fight over who gets to sit in which
seat in the car - and no there isn't one preferable one, since the one
they fight over changes from time to time. Its about control. They
fight over who gets to say hello to mummy first, who goes down the
stairs last, who gets to open the door when someone rings the bell.
They fight for possession of the stupidest tiny (i.e. a toy owned by
Kid A who never plays with or pays any attention to suddenly becomes
the hub of a huge fight when Kid B tries to play with it.) They get
into wrangles about sharing treats (you have to get out the molecular
scale to ensure the milkshakes are all exactly the same)or even
regular food (i.e. "she got a bigger piece of chicken than
me!!"...never mind that mummy points out there are more pieces left in
the oven so there is more than enough for seconds.

There are things you can do to reduce it. Standard tips include
1 Focus on Each Child's Individual Needs
It's impossible to treat each child equally, so don't even try.
Besides, even if you did manage to dish out exact-same-size portions
to two kids, each would swear that the other got more. So when your
three-year-old complains that you're spending too much time carrying
his baby sister, say, "Your baby sister needs me to carry her. You
need me to read you stories." Or when your two-year-old cries that he
wants to play with his big sister's bicycle, say, "Her bike fits her
and your bike fits you."

2 Give Each Child Special Time with You
At least once a week, plan a special date with each child. Let each
one know that everyone's special time is sacred. During an older
child's special time, make sure your toddler is engaged in an activity
with another caring adult or give your older child his special time
while your toddler naps.

3 Don't Compare Kids
It's tempting to tell your whining four-year-old to speak nicely like
his three-year-old sibling or vice versa. Far better, however, is to
focus on the whiner and say, "I can't listen while you whine. Use your
good voice." Leave any mention of his sibling out of the discussion.

4 Be Aware of Favoritism
It's natural to feel closer to one child than another now and then due
to differences in temperament, but it's important to avoid being
obvious in treating children differently.

5 Respect Each Child's Space
Don't let your toddler destroy a drawing that your five-year-old
slaved over. Help your older child protect his stuff while protecting
the younger one from the dangers of toys meant for older kids.

There are also some good books out there such as Siblings Without
Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish
http://enotalone.com/books/ASIN/0380799006.html

Mary G.

grandma Rosalie

Very good advice.

Just a note on equaling portions. With two you can say - you divide
it up and your sibling gets first choice of the pieces.

What a great idea. Mine might be a little to young and we haven't had this
particular war yet but I'm definately remembering it!!

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Rosalie B. wrote:
x-no-archive:yes
(Mary Gordon) wrote:

Very good advice.

Just a note on equaling portions. With two you can say - you divide
it up and your sibling gets first choice of the pieces.



Yep. My mother always made us do that. And once we got old enough
to fight over what to watch on TV, she started rotating "weeks" among
us. On my week, I got to pick the TV shows. I could be overridden
if there was something on that my parents particularly wanted to watch
(not often) or if there was some really special show on that week
that wouldn't be repeated. But for the ordinary sitcoms, cowboy shows,
etc. - it was up to me. If the others didn't like what I picked, too
bad - they'd get their turn when their weeks came around.

Clisby

(Mary Gordon) wrote in message . com...
You want advice....well, as mom of three, I'd say...get used to it!!

As another mom of three I say, good post, Mary!

When I see all or some of mine *getting along* I do two things: First
I make a mental note or take a mental picture. It gives me a reality
check and helps me focus on the positive things. All in all, my 3 get
along fairly well and I think I feel this way because I vividly
remember the little things they do *well* together.

Second, I compliment them. But not overly so. For example if I see
them all drawing and painting together, I'll make a comment like: "Hey
guys...having fun? I like those pictures!" It's casual, not gushy.
(Though inside I feel like raving about what perfect children they are
right then and why can't they ALWAYS do that and so on...)

I also like what Mary's post said about NOT trying to make life fair.
It isn't. And while I try to spread my resources like time and food
and toys as fairly as possible, sometimes that doesn't happen and
nope, that's not "fair." I think of it as a life lesson. And I think
that the less I struggle to make sure everything is exactly fair and
right, the less they bicker.

I also encourage them to work things out between them. If they're
fighting over a toy, I suggest that they take turns, but I don't step
in and physically hand the toy back and forth. (My youngest is almost
3, so sometimes his lack of a "sharing gene" comes forth and I do have
to help more.) I let them "own" their spat.

And then sometimes we do what my husband calls "blanket discipline"
(he comes from a family of 5 children and now understands why this was
done! His parents were way more harsh, though.) If there's a huge
squabble going on and I don't have all the information at hand, I put
a stop to the "he said, she said" stuff and make *everyone* take a
little break. Not a time out, really. I just have them all kind of sit
away from each other and play something else.

Having said all this, I've been known to not-so-politely ask that NO
ONE in the car say ANOTHER WORD. Which usually starts a fight about
whether or not "umpf" is a word and who said it last...

- Bev

Kris wrote:
We had some of this too. Now at 6 and 4 things are considerably
smoother.

Yea!!

Taking turns even for some of
the silliest things and letting them keep track of whose turn it was.
Not everything but 1 or 2 big points of argument. If necessary you
could even hang a chart on the bottom of the refrigerator where they
can 'track' things.

Hmm. They are generally good about taking turns with toys, especially if I
remind them. Sometimes a new toy causes a problem but toys are easy to deal
with because I can just remove them if they cause to much grief. I might
have to consider a chart for some of the fun chores though. Things like
letting the dog out, doing the dishwasher etc. It might be hard for Luke
to grasp but jeez, he's already getting ticked, might as well try something!

Step in before things
go too far. It seemed to me that once it reached a point of going too
far it was too hard to pull them back to 'negotiation ground'.

I have to do this because of Luke's biting. I sometimes wonder if things
would be better if I could stay out of it but I can't ignore the biting.
They do really well on lots of things actually but there are few activities
that just zoom right past negotiation really really fast.

We also do not have regular TV viewing. I know lots of people believe
different things about this but I feel it has made a difference in
their actions.

They watch about 30 minutes in the morning - so they sit still and eat
before we have to leave. Plus I'm so not a morning person that I take the
easy way out ;-) Then there is about an hour in the evening when we sit
with dh and watch TV. They either watch TV or play. Like tonight they
played - nicely even!!

Didn't mean for this to get so long. :-)

No problem. I enjoyed it and got some good ideas!
--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)