dumb family.. baby shower rant

Jill wrote in message
. com...

"Donna" wrote
You know, though? The one thing I am utterly certain of, is that even
without yelling, I will undoubtedly stumble across a way to make my kids
feel miserable and unloved, and I won't even know it. sigh It just
seems
to be the nature of parenting sometimes, you know?

There's still a big diffrence between the above, and what you'd say is
toxic, which causes the same feelings. In my first talk with my mom in
weeks
which I KNEW better than to break down and talk, she said a lot of things
like "When I am dead and gone you will be sorry you ignored me" and "I
hope
you don't treat Rachel like you treat me". THAT made me flip absolutely
out-- the baby isn't even born safely and here andhealthy yet, and my mom
is
already throwing her up in her manipulative arguing. I am still
furious.....what this tells me is next time, don't reveal the gender, and
don't reveal the naame ahead of time. That's all *I* can control.

The more this goes on the more I realize the best advice in the world is
just control yourself and what you can control and then don't let anything
else eat you up. Easier said than done but it IS doable and it does work.

As hard as I try I can't always stick to it though. I felt so much better
in
just not dealing with her. Just halfreading and ignoring the emails and
not
answering the phone. She sent several emails though with statements in
them
that were completely blatantly false and still attacking my husband so I
broke down, and called, to once again try to cut the sh*t out, it doesn't
work.

I SWEAR I am 27 and my parents do activelt try to make me miserable. why
ELSE would they even say the things they say. My husband works a job that
demands a lot of his time. He chooses to take college courses as well so
one
day he can make even more money with shorter hours, he is working toward a
master's degree. He is taking 2, yes I know it's my last trimester but
they
are online courses so he is taking them from home but has to spend time on
them. I just shouldn't tell my parents this because they file it away in
their memory......and then yesterday they were telling me that he needs to
grow up, that he shouldn't do what HE wants he should be home with me.
What--- he is supposed to just stop life, and sit around and hold my hand
and wait for the baby to come?? And he is supposed to cut his working
hours
shorter if he really loves me and lose his job for not filling his duties?
Now THAT's wise thinking! But my parents keep saying that if he wasn't so
selfish they keep implying he would quit school, cut back on work etc. It
gets under my skin because it's like they love to keep saying "He doesn't
LOVE you enough! ".....they just have no place saying things like that. It
is NOT concern for me.......they do it purely to make me feel less good.
Like instead of being okay and happy, they WANT me to feel unhappy and
realize my situation isn't as good as I think it is. Bullsh*t. I tell them
to butt out and they STILL repeat it. FWIW, don't care that my husband is
taking courses from home! I WANT him to get a master's degree because he
is
Before dd#1 was born. Dh had to get a new job, we had to find (+ rent) a
house in an area we didn't know at all, dh had to finish his DPhil, and
write the thesis for it, hand it in, we moved house, dh started his new job.
These were between when I was 35 and 37 weeks pregnant.
A busy 2 weeks...
Debbie (maybe it's something to do with the name Rachel?)

Donna wrote:

Which is why DH won't make me some, and why he won't even teach me how
to do it, the bugger. He relies on MIL, who usually just buys them from
some Ukrainian church ladies, or something. ;-) She doesn't want to
make them, either.


If you are really interested, I'll send you my recipes. They will be the
Polish versions, rather than the Russian versions, but I don't know how
different they will taste.

Oh geeze, I've got recipes coming out of my ears already. I have all of
the Ukrainian recipes - just don't have the know-how yet. The only
thing I've mastered is the cheesecake, and I'm pretty good at the
medivnik (you know you did a good job when real Ukrainians say they like
it and willingly take the leftovers home). I need to practice with
other stuff, but some of it is just too labour-intensive to try by
myself. Thanks anyway, though. Oh, and one thing... Ukrainian stuff
and Russian stuff is actually pretty different. Heck, the two groups
don't even use the same alphabet. (in this introductory Ukrainian class
that I tried to take once, there was this Russian girl who was just as
lost as I was ;-) and she was from Ukraine! She was living in the
capital, IIRC, which apparently has a very large Russian population.
Heh heh, so she came to Toronto to study Ukrainian.) I think all of
Eastern Europe has zillions of dishes in common, though, but the recipes
are different from region to region. The most common is probably
Borscht, which actually sounds like a German name, but apparently almost
every eastern European country claims ownership of it. ;-) Oh and of
course, as you know, everyone has pierogies. (and so they should)

In e%L%b.423772$na.812906@attbi_s04,
Shena Delian O'Brien wrote:

*Hillary Israeli wrote:
*
* All due respect, that is not what you said before. You said they would
* come after the baby was born, right?
*
*Yes, they will. That doesn't mean I don't want to see them at all before
*the baby is born.

Well, of course, but you said "I thought my family would *want to see
me*. Apparently, it's more convenient for them *not to see me*." Yet it
sounds from what you are now saying that they do, in fact, want to see
you, it's just a timing issue. I mean, it sucks it can't be the way you
want and all, but at least they are coming, right?


--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

Jill,
It always helps me in situations like this to think of those people as
pitiful. It's actually sad that their best survival mechanism, their best
coping skills are to try to bring you down and make you feel bad. Whatever
they had to endure in their lives, however their parents parented them, made
this survival tool seem useful. It's really sad that this is the "best"
they can do as a person and as a parent. Don't get sucked into it.
Whatever they say to you isn't true and it isn't about you, it's about them,
and says a lot more about them than it does about you.

Really, if you can pity them and feel sympathy for them, it might help you
not get sucked into their emotional games.

Hugs and good luck.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_guest,
Password: Guest1
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html

::: At this point, if I don't change the way I view my situation, my
::: relationship with my mother is surely going to deteriorate to a point of
no
::: return.
:::
::
:: That's my daily struggle. ....I expect my mom to be the way she is and
:: expect nothing less of her so I don't know why I still get bothered but I
:: do. That's why I really think I have to make them realize that I AM NOT
:: going to talk to them if they keep acting this way to me.
::
:: They do know how to break me down....it rattles on my nerves when I make
a
:: resolution to stop talking to my mom, and I stick to it, and I begin to
:: slowly feel happier and more relaxed. But then they start emailing me
:: telling me "YOu will be so ashamed when we are dead and gone and it is
going
:: to happen soon and you will be sorry then that you neglected us".

Yikes! I believe the ONLY problem b/w me and my mother is that she is stuck
in her depression and can't seem to get out of it since the death of my
stepfather and since my brother has broken her heart. I tend to take it
personally.

:: I don't think it's a true statement because I know
:: why I can't be around their bull NOW even if it means never. But it still
:: rattles me because I know they are also going around telling anyone who
will
:: listen the same thing and it makes me so uncomfortable, I want to stop
it!
::
:: So I am bad....I am struggling with myself, to make myself get over the
:: hump. It IS my responsibility to put a stop to it even if just by saying
:: "Well ok. If that's what you think." and not getting drawn back into
:: arguments. It is SOOOOO hard to do! Pregnancy hormones is not my excuse
but
:: that makes it so much worse, it just drains you....

I believe the pregnancy hormones really do a doozie on us. I'll try to do
what Kevin suggested, "Wait until the baby comes and see how she acts". He
seems to think it will be all that is needed to pull her out of her
depression and give her the hope and happiness she is lacking.

In your case, it may just be enough that YOU are the mommy and in control
and YOU are going to do whatever it takes to ensure the security and safety
and protection of your child. If your mother wants to be an active part in
your daughter's life, she will soon rise to the challenge of holding her
tongue and doing what is right for you and her granddaughter.

Does that make any sense at all?

~Carol Ann

A right of passage definately sounds pretty close to what I meant. I've
mentioned a baby shower a couple times to my mom but she hasn't really
seemed to be interested in talking about it. The last shower was less
than a year and a half ago, when my brother and his girlfriend had a
baby boy, born Oct 2002. Others have forgotten? I seriously doubt it.
I don't have any sisters, no close female friends where I live (just
moved here late last year), and no close female family members except
for my mother.

I've resolved myself to the fact that I'm not going to get a baby shower
or much support either with gifts or moral/emotional support. Heck, I
never even got a congratulations from any of my family members since I
told them I was pregnant. Maybe it's the fact that my baby will be the
fourth grandchild in the family and hence the excitement of new babies
is done and over but darnit, this is exciting for me and if my family
doesn't feel the need to participate then so be it. For some reason I
just had it in my mind that my family would be more interested in my
pregnancy and this baby then they are.

Yeah, I'm a bit jaded but at the least I can't be accused of being
selfish and having expectations that are way too high like previous
posts seemed to think. I don't expect anything from any of them, at the
least not anymore.

Hi Angela,

Don't know if you're still reading or not, but I just wanted
to say that it sounds to me like it's not about the gifts but
about the right of passage. If everyone else in the family
had a celebration at this point, I'd say it is very strange
that they're not planning one for you. Have you talked to
anyone about it? How long ago was the last shower? Is it
possible that others have forgotten?

"Jill" wrote in message .com...

That's a good description- it IS a sad attitude to have the "Oh well" about
the emotional distance but you just _cannot_ keep letting people worry you
to death. They say I am a bad daughter because I no longer let them
criticise and mentally abuse me. (It IS mental abuse IMO when a parent still
tries to beat you down like you are a child and not let you be your own
persson, and criticizes you continually for not catering to them and doing
what they want, and not recognizing that you are very well free to live your
own life not wrapped up in theirs..it's mental abuse when they keep on
chipping away at you)...I had to just let it go and SAY "oh, well, okay." In
some of my past threads you can see I was getting really upset about it all.
Things are much calmer for me to just focus on my pregnancy and just ignore
the crap, and the ONLY way I was able to make it stop was to STOP having
communications with them. I ASKED them to stop...but it never stopped until
I cut communications. It was never going to, until I started doing what they
wanted me to and even then that wasnt good enough, there was no winning.

My mom still emails me with pitiful little emails, all innocent sounding
"sniffle sniffle, I don't want to bother you. My friends want to give you a
shower, don't we desrve to be in the baby's life, sniffle sniffle"......I
can't respond because I stopped the cycle, I REFUSE to get it going again.
Her calling my husband was completely OUT of line. He has never done
ANYTHING to her except fix things for her etc etc. She is jealous of his
parents, ass evidenced by what she keeps harping on. There is noe xcuse for
her always telling me that HIS parents think THEY have a say in raising my
baby while her and my dad aren't allowed too etc....that's what made my
husband angry when she called him, she was attacking his family whom she has
only met like TWICE, telling him they think they control things! She told
him he cares more about them than me, just because I confided in her about a
certain situation, she had NO business saying that.

I learned my lesson....we had no better relationship when I did try to talk
to her, it was just the same old sh*t over and over...and over.....I am NOT
an ungrateful uncaring daughter, but for godssakes I am 27 years old I can't
take it anymore, they will NEVER get off me. It's the only way I know to
stop it. I can't take my mom's little comments about us not going to a
certain kind of church, about how his family thinks they are going to be
closer to my daughter, .....and I ALSO can't take my mom's little backhanded
comments trying to make me feel like my husband is not treating me right etc
etc etc etc etc etc.

So I think that's it----nothing may ever get resolved but you can resolve
yourself.


Wow--you have just described my ILs! My husband finally said, "Enough
is enough. You are not allowed to treat my family this way. When you
are ready to behave like adults, let us know." We send them birthday
cards, thank you cards, our Christmas letter, and a present from our
son for Christmas. They send him a birthday present and a Christmas
present each year. They have started sending birthday cards to myself
and dh too. Every once in a while, I'll get a random email from his
mother feeling the waters to see if we're willing to just ignore all
that happened and to see if she can manipulate me against my husband.
I reply answering the questions that she has politely, and then direct
her to contact my husband if she wants to relay information or
questions to him. I had to put my foot down to being the go between.
After I reply, she "disappears" for 3-6 months until she sends another
random email.

((hugs)) It's a tough road, and I feel badly that they are missing out
on their one and only grandchild right now, but that is a choice they
have made. They only have to talk to my husband, and we would more
than happily allow them back in as long as they are choosing to *not*
be toxic. Sad for everyone involved, but we refuse to allow their
toxicity to touch our son.

Sharalyn
mom to Alexander James (9/21/01)