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End of my rope



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 1st 06, 04:57 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
NanWithCollegeKid
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 4
Default End of my rope

Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing
else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she
doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet
to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so
I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family
counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone
know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting
very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am
afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a
long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan

  #2  
Old September 2nd 06, 09:20 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
NanWithCollegeKid
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 4
Default End of my rope

Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together! Your perspective is
refreshing.

Believe me, I know about the effort of college and have just completed
a Masters. At 51 my strength is waning a bit though and I tend to
overdo it - including the worrying..

But now after 7+ years of divorce, it is time for "me." ...A good job,
a good life, and you are right ...in a year or two, a smaller place to
live.

Fond regards,
Nan




'Kate wrote:
On 1 Sep 2006 08:57:51 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing
else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she
doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet
to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so
I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family
counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone
know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting
very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am
afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a
long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan


I think you have things backwards. You do what you have to do to sustain
your lifestyle first. You do not need a perfect home to work. All you
need to do is get yourself ready and walk out the door. She's 19 years
old not 19 months old. She can feed herself and do her own laundry. She
can clean up her own messes. If she doesn't, then either live with it,
clean it yourself, or tell her to clean it. If she makes an effort at
all, even if it is not up to your standards, do not criticize her. Live
with the job she did. Next time, if she does a better job, notice it and
praise her for it (small praise for small jobs.... more praise for a
better job... a treat for a job really well done).

You will have to become more tolerant of messes. You may have to learn
that Monday through Friday, the house will get messier. You'll end up
spending a larger part of the weekend cleaning and getting yourself
ready... but that's life.

She's going to college. Count your blessings that she's smart enough to
and wants to. Going to college is hard work. It takes energy to sustain
a high level of concentration. I've gotten out of weightlifting classes
energized but math classes drained... that's just how it goes. It may
seem like it takes very little effort to just sit, listen, and take
notes but it doesn't. That's her job... getting good grades. It keeps
her scholarship going. Later, she can find more scholarships to apply
for and earn even more.

When you're at your wits end, take a deep breath. Blow bubbles. Find
what makes your heart sing and spend time doing it. If housework does
that for you, then great... everyone wins. If you're like most people,
it isn't. Limit your cleaning time to 45 minutes per weekday and 3 hours
on the weekend. Put the music on loud and get it done. If you can't get
everything done in that amount of time (excluding laundry), you need a
smaller home.... you have too much crap to clean.

Simplify your life. Get rid of knick knacks that need dusting. You're a
working woman. Knick knacks are not for you.

Get rid of everything you haven't used in a year. You don't need it.

Subscribe to flylady.com ... probably at yahoo now. She'll get you
organized so that you're not spending all your time doing what you don't
like to do.

And get a bottle of bubbles.

'Kate


  #3  
Old September 2nd 06, 11:15 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Moon Shyne
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 427
Default End of my rope


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together!


On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day
too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was
less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if
the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006
the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember
was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or
pajama and movie day.


NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house more
often!

That's my story and I"m stickin' to it.


  #4  
Old September 3rd 06, 12:16 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 52
Default End of my rope


"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together!


On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day
too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was
less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if
the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006
the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember
was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or
pajama and movie day.


NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house
more often!

That's my story and I"m stickin' to it.



lol... I try telling that to my mom!


  #5  
Old September 3rd 06, 01:06 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Moon Shyne
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 427
Default End of my rope


"Tiffany" wrote in message
news:[email protected]

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together!

On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day
too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was
less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if
the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006
the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember
was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or
pajama and movie day.


NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house
more often!

That's my story and I"m stickin' to it.



lol... I try telling that to my mom!


Most times, I hate that my parents live so far away from me (or vice versa,
since I'm the one who moved out here) - they miss seeing their grandchild, I
miss being able to drop in and see them......

On the other hand, we only have to have a cleaning frenzy infrequently (like
for last weekend when my dad and stepmom were in town)






  #6  
Old September 4th 06, 02:12 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Claudia
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 6
Default End of my rope


NanWithCollegeKid wrote:
Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing
else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she
doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet
to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so
I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family
counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone
know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting
very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am
afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a
long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan


Hi... I'm a newbie too...
Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture
helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single
mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything
from teen years fresh in my mind...
I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the
things you said made me think she might have a case of depression...
again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem
it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated.
Did she used to help and now she doesn't?
I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel
like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go
to school and go to church.
Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for
more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the
best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times
before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and
I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it.
I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help.
I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I
raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules
in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what
the situation is now to what you want out of the situation.
In that case it helps:
- to keep few rules and make sure they are followed
- ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between
you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's
accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a
symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a
daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about
me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her.
I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying
to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School?
I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is
feeling.
-Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together,
chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be
online talking to her friends.

Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not
good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely
lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her
right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then
you don't get to see the fruits of your work.
When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we
don't want to deal with. We stay til the end.
I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm
pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each
other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again.
Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy...
Please don't give up on your daughter!

Claudia

  #7  
Old September 7th 06, 05:35 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
NanWithCollegeKid
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 4
Default End of my rope

Kate,

Congrats on you upcoming Masters! Lots of work and lots of pride, well
deserved.

Honestly, you do sound like you "have it together." And nice to meet
you too!

Nan

'Kate wrote:
On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together!


On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day
too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was
less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if
the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006
the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember
was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or
pajama and movie day.

Your perspective is refreshing.

Believe me, I know about the effort of college and have just completed
a Masters. At 51 my strength is waning a bit though and I tend to
overdo it - including the worrying..


Ah yes. Anxiety is my old friend too. Nowdays, I check with people I
trust to make sure the worry is valid. It isn't always and I'm getting
much better at telling when it isn't and when to ask. And I remember to
take time for me and time to breathe, sing, and oh, lots of things that
I love to do just because I love to do them. Love my job. Love the kids
at work... it's all good this year.

Congrats on the Masters! I'll have mine in May. Finally! I'll be 48 in a
few months.

But now after 7+ years of divorce, it is time for "me." ...A good job,
a good life, and you are right ...in a year or two, a smaller place to
live.


That sounds perfect! And you sure deserve it. You worked hard enough for
it.

Fond regards,
Nan


Niceta meetcha,
'Kate


  #8  
Old September 7th 06, 05:52 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
NanWithCollegeKid
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 4
Default End of my rope

Dear Claudia,

Thanks for the perspective. I enjoyed the younger years with Ali and
had tons more energy in my 40s than I do now in my 50s! (Probably my
frustration with physical change is affecting me.) But adult children
have their "pluses" too, so I have to go with it.

And I appreciate your comments and suggestions!

Nan

Claudia wrote:
NanWithCollegeKid wrote:
Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing
else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she
doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet
to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so
I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family
counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone
know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting
very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am
afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a
long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan


Hi... I'm a newbie too...
Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture
helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single
mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything
from teen years fresh in my mind...
I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the
things you said made me think she might have a case of depression...
again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem
it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated.
Did she used to help and now she doesn't?
I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel
like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go
to school and go to church.
Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for
more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the
best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times
before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and
I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it.
I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help.
I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I
raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules
in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what
the situation is now to what you want out of the situation.
In that case it helps:
- to keep few rules and make sure they are followed
- ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between
you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's
accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a
symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a
daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about
me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her.
I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying
to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School?
I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is
feeling.
-Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together,
chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be
online talking to her friends.

Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not
good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely
lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her
right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then
you don't get to see the fruits of your work.
When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we
don't want to deal with. We stay til the end.
I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm
pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each
other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again.
Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy...
Please don't give up on your daughter!

Claudia


 




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